Deep Talks
A many year journey through a complicated sib relationship.
Author's Note: This is a long one. It just is. It's also a very slow burn. You've been warned.
Thanks to LizHaze for making it through the whole thing and giving her usual very solid edits advice.
Also all characters over eighteen at all times no exceptions.
****
Chapter One: Kasey at Eighteen
****
It probably started earlier, but I couldn't think of when. All I know is that it was the first time I recognized that something wasn't quite right. That I had feelings I probably shouldn't.
It was Xander's own fault, really. He was the one who made it obvious.
"So what do you think?" he asked.
"Hm?"
"About Zoey?"
Zoey. Xander's new girlfriend. He'd brought her over to meet the family, so clearly it was at least somewhat serious.
"Don't like her," I replied automatically.
Xander sighed. "Dammit, Kase. Why do you hate every girl I see?"
"I don't."
"You do."
I stopped and considered. Did I? Ok, maybe I did. But that wasn't my fault that my big brother had poor taste.
"Well date someone better, then."
"Oh this is not on me. If you hate every girl I'm with, that's a you kinda problem."
"There's been, like, three, dude. You could just be getting unlucky."
"Zoey's number four, thank you very much."
"And I'm sure she'll be pleased to hear she has a number."
"What's wrong with her anyway?"
"Wrong? Nothing in particular. Just don't like her."
"That's petty."
"Well hey, Xan, you asked, didn't you? You coulda just not asked."
"Maybe I care about your damn opinion."
"Well... good, then. Fine." I took a deep breath. "She's fine, I'm sure."
"Really?"
"No. But I'm trying to placate you."
"You're not meant to tell me that's what you're doing."
"Tough."
"Whatever. I'ma go text her. 'Cause I like her."
"I'm sure you do. She touches your dick, I take it?"
"It's not about that. Don't be shitty."
"But she does, though, yeah?"
"... yes. Shut up."
"Yeah. Good luck with that."
Xander shook his head and left.
I made sure the door was firmly closed, then flopped down on my bed and tried not to cry.
Why did I even want to cry? It didn't make sense. Things had gotten maybe a little heated, but nothing to get worked up over.
Or maybe I'd been worked up already. Why, though? Was it since meeting Zoey? Since having family dinner with her?
She was long gone, though. Safely back at her own house. Why did I care? I didn't have to even really talk to her if I didn't want to.
But she had Xander's attention. Maybe that was it. He was all stupid and enamoured with her. The way he got with girls sometimes. That was just how boys were anyway. They'd get all infatuated with some girl. Especially if she touched his dick. They loved that.
Not that girls were any better. I got fed up with my friends at times and their swooning over boys. There were other things in the world than relationships. I didn't know why I had to always be the one to remember that.
I hugged a pillow tight to my chest and once again tried to calm down. It was possible I was the problem. That there was something wrong with me. I hated that feeling. It crept up sometimes, and if I was already primed for a bad mood, it could ruin me.
Possibly, just perhaps, if everyone else in the whole damn world wanted to get all stupid over some person they liked, maybe that was what I was supposed to do too. And if I really thought about it, I couldn't remember anyone ever making me feel like that. No one ever capturing my soul in that way.
And that was scary. Both the idea that someone could do that to me, and the fact that it hadn't happened. Maybe I was just broken.
Like, for fuck's sake, the closest person to that was probably Xander of all people. My brother. That was just wrong. It was probably just because I'd never fallen for anyone. That I didn't know what it was supposed to feel like. And whatever sibling bond there was there, that was the closest I could get.
I laughed humourlessly at myself. No boy to get properly jealous over, so I did it over my brother instead. How pathetic was that?
****
It was only in hindsight that I recognized I might have actually been onto something there. Something deeper than I would have guessed.
I had to watch Xander be all goofy over Zoey. Do his usual thing, except more evolved. He grew up and learned a little more with each relationship, it seemed. And here I was still relationshipless and inexperienced.
It was the insane jealousy that did it, I think. The way I secretly loathed Zoey, but had no idea why the fuck that was. I thought about it sometimes, really thought hard, and couldn't come up with anything. She was a sweet enough girl. Never mean toward me in any way. But I hated her.
I hated her because she was with Xander.
"Zoey's fine," I told Xander one day.
"What?"
"Zoey. She's ok."
"Oh. Was she not ok?"
"I don't like her."
"... I'm confused."
"I don't like her, but she's ok. If you want my opinion. Which you sometimes do."
"Oh, um, good then. I think?"
I shrugged. "Just saying."
"Is this from back when I asked-"
"What I thought of her. Yes."
"And you still don't like her?"
"Right. But that's not her fault. You shouldn't hold that against her."
"I don't, but thank you."
"Sure." I turned to go.
"Kase?"
"Yeah?"
"Why don't you like her?"
"No good reason."
"Oh." Xander scratched his head. "Uh, so this whole thing where girls are catty and hate each other for no reason, that's all kinda bullshit and exaggerated, right? Except... that's exactly what you're saying you're doing?"
I thought about explaining it to him, but I still couldn't explain it to myself, really. I only had hints of what I was feeling. Suspicions. And not very good ones. Not ones I understood properly. It was easier to lie.
"It's not always bullshit. It's only unfair as a general stereotype. Some girls are like that, yes. And I guess I'm one."
"I don't believe that."
I shrugged. "Can't help what you believe."
"There's something more, Kase. I know there is."
"Nope. I'm a simple girl with simple emotions."
"That's not even remotely true."
"Is."
"Isn't."
"Is!"
"Fine. You win. You're simple."
"Thank you." I shrugged awkwardly and turned to leave for the second time. "Have fun with her."
"I will, thank you."
****
The day they broke up was probably the happiest day of my whole year.
That sounds horrible. It is. It was. But what can ya do?
Xander was disconsolate. Mopey. Just a bit of a dick, even. I loved it.
I sat with him a while in his room while he refused to get out of bed. Just sat and talked. Nothing else. But I had him all to myself for a while, and that was enough for me.
"Never liked her anyway," I said.
Xander snorted. "Yeah. I believe I remember something to that effect."
"I may have mentioned it."
"Once or twice or... every time you saw her."
"I wasn't that bad."
"You so were."
"Maybe three or four times I said something. Tops."
"Uh huh. She liked you, you know."
"No she didn't."
"Yeah she did. Thought you were an adorable little sister."
I flushed with brief anger before recalling that Zoey was gone anyway. But she wasn't wrong, if that's what she thought. I was only ever Xander's little sister. That was all I could be.
"Good for her, I guess."
"You really don't have anything nice to say?"
"Is that what you want right now? Me to sing her praises?"
"Hm, no, maybe not."
"Mmhm."
"Maybe... maybe be a little spiteful?"
I grinned. "That I can do. You ever notice how one of her fingers is kinda weird?"
"Oh my god. I mean, yes, I did. She broke it when she was little."
"So weird."
"Dude, come on, less petty, please."
"And when she looked at you sometimes, all I could see was a big stupid dear. It was those eyes."
Xander laughed softly. "You're horrible."
"When you were first together, she wouldn't stop playing with her hair. It drove me crazy. It's like, yeah, we get it, you like him. Stop twisting your finger all up in there and trying to give yourself curls. She did, you know. That one side of her head was always a bit curly and the other wasn't. For like a solid month."
"That's not true." Xander paused. "Is it?"
"Totally is. Like she couldn't help but make sure everyone knew she liked you."
"That's not really a bad thing. Could we do more bad things? Like real ones?"
It felt like a bad one to me, but then I was in a weird place. "Heard she liked kicking puppies."
"Kase!"
"It's true. You know those kicker guys in football? And they gotta, like, get a ball through those metal post things? She does that on her weekends. But with puppies."
"Oh my god. Stop."
I grinned. Xander was cracking up in spite of himself. Ragging on his exes to make him laugh? Now this I could work with.
"Used to trip old ladies trying to cross the street too."
"Shut uuuppp!"
"And she was never any good at painting her nails. You could tell."
"... I kinda love that you're throwing those out back to back."
I moved to sit close to Xander and patted his head. "You're gonna be ok."
"Yeah, I know. Just feels shitty right now."
I patted him some more, almost stroking his hair before I had to pull back and restrain myself. I didn't want to make it weird. Not while we were having such a good time. Or while I was, at least. I was helping, though. It wasn't all selfish.
"D'you ever think..."
Xander opened one eye. "What?"
"Nothing."
"No, what?"
"It's stupid."
"Tell me."
"Ok. Fine. You ever think about, like, if we were together?"
"What?"
"I mean, you know, hypothetically. If I wasn't your sister. And we just kinda, like, were together for a bit. And like, how long we'd last."
"Oh Kase. That doesn't even make sense. I can't think of you that way."
"No, no, obviously," I said hurriedly. "But just... you know. If."
Xander reached over and squeezed my hand. I hoped to hell he couldn't feel how my heart was beating and how anxious and awkward I felt. What was I even thinking asking a question like that?
"I think you'd make a great girlfriend," he said. "For the right guy."
"Oh. Yeah. Right guy."
"I'm glad we don't have to worry about that."
I swallowed painfully. "Yeah. Good."
"Wouldn't want to ever lose you."
I dug my free hand, the one he wasn't holding, into my thigh, feeling my nails bite skin. How could he make me feel so miserable and so happy at the same time?
He was right. It was good that we wouldn't ever have to break up and lose each other. That part was great.
And it was silly anyway. We were sibs. Always would be. Thinking about being different people wasn't helpful. Even if we were, there was no guarantee he'd ever be interested.
Not that I was. Not really. I couldn't be. He was my brother. These thoughts made no sense.
****
I guess I got crying pretty loudly. I didn't think I was, but Mom heard me from the hall, so I must have been.
I stifled myself pretty well when she came in, but I could hardly hide how I was feeling. Not after she'd heard me, and definitely not after she saw my face.
"What's wrong?" she asked, face full of motherly concern.
"Nothing," I lied, as though that would explain things sufficiently for her.
"I thought your brother was having the bad day. I didn't realize you were too."
"I wasn't."
"Honey, I haven't seen you cry like this for... well, years anyway."
Mom wiped my face, drying it off some. Her touch and concern helped some, but also in another, deeper way just made me feel shittier.
"I don't know why," I said.
"I think you do," Mom said gently. "I think you don't want to tell me."
"It's stupid. Xan's going through stuff. His is real."
"Ah."
"What?"
"A boy, then?"
My heart jumped in sudden panic, even though the way she said it suggested she didn't have a clue which boy. "No!"
"Xander's thing is real, you said. As if, possibly, yours is over a boy who maybe doesn't like you?"
Fuck. How did she do that?
She still didn't know. She couldn't know. But that was too uncomfortably close.
"Maybe," I said.
Mom started rubbing my shoulder. "Oh sweetie. I wish I could save you some of this heartache, but it's just something that's going to happen from time to time."
"Thanks?"
"Did that sound bleak? Sorry. There'll be lots of good. Lots and lots. But there's going to be bad times. And maybe this will help later on."
I snorted softly. "I don't think so."
"I know it doesn't feel like there's anything good right now."
"That's true."
"But it won't seem so bad tomorrow. Or the next day. Sometime soon."
"Ok."
"You want some ice cream?"
I struggled with my inner turmoil. I wanted to keep moping. But holy fuck did ice cream sound amazing.
"Yes please."
"Ok." Mom patted my head. "Ice cream in bed, ok? It'll be better."
"Hope so."
****
Mom maybe knew what she was talking about. It hurt for a few days, then it got better. I got back to normal, more or less.
I still looked at Xander sometimes just a little wistfully, but that was all there was. Nothing more than that. Not really.
I got a date to my high school prom. I didn't really know how it had happened. Jake asked me, and it felt like I probably better just say yes. I didn't particularly care one way or another, but everyone was going. Everyone was getting dates. That was just what I was supposed to do. So I did.
"Do you think he'll want to dance?" I asked Xander.
I was already in my dress. It was early, but I wanted to make sure everything was ok. So I was now kind of stuck just... waiting. Waiting and getting nervous.
"Depends on the guy, I guess. I don't know anything about him."
"I hope he won't want to. Except... then what do we do?"
"Beats me. I went for dancing."
"Of course you did."
"Tasha was a good dancer."
"Uh huh. You just wanted to get close to her."
"They don't let us do anything fun. But yeah, I guess it got me close. Slow dances are where it's at."
I shook my head and plucked at my dress around my cleavage. It wasn't sitting quite right. It looked weird.
"God I really don't want to slow dance. I don't like him near enough for that."
"So why are you going with him?"
"He asked."
"Ah."
"That's what I'm supposed to do, isn't it?"
"You can do what you want, Kase. Don't do things just 'cause that's what you think you have to."
I sighed to myself. I wished I could just do what I want.
Xander's eyes were on me in the mirror, but not in any meaningful way. Just 'cause we were talking. I looked pretty good. Not great. My dress wouldn't quite do what I wanted. But it was a good presentation overall. And I got nothing from him. Nothing to indicate that I was even dressed up. I might as well have been in an old pair of jeans and a t-shirt for all it affected him.
God I hated that feeling.
"Maybe it'll be canceled," I said with some small hope.
Xander smiled. "It won't be."
"I know."
"Go. Dance. Have fun."
"Maybe I only want to dance with the right guy."
"Who's that?"
"There... isn't one."
"Oh. That complicates things." Xander shrugged. "So maybe Jake's good enough."
"Enh."
"Give it a shot. Dance close with him. See if you enjoy it. You don't have to like him or go out with him or anything. Just dance."
"I won't like it. I... I don't even know how. Not really."
"No?"
"I guess I've never done it. Never seemed like the right time."
"Oh well now you have to, then. Last chance before school dances are a thing of the past, right?"
"But-"
Xander hopped up and snatched my phone from where it was sitting. I watched him in the mirror, all frowny and confused, even though I understood that he was picking some music that would play on the speakers in my room.
Somehow, even though I fully anticipated him playing a song that could be slow danced to, I didn't expect him to actually try dancing. Let alone with me. This in spite of the two of us being alone in my room.
"Come on," he said with an easy smile. "No pressure. Nothing to it. It's not, like, a complicated dance or anything."
"I know."
"Teenagers can do it. It can't be that hard."
"I know!"
"You kinda just move a bit and use it as an opportunity to get all close and stuff."
"Jeez, I kn-"
I squeaked as Xander yanked me toward him with all the casual display of force an older brother could muster. I fought a bit just for the show of it. He laughed and pulled me tight to him anyway.
It was a rush. My heart went crazy immediately. My head spun. Xander had me close, right up against him, arms around me.
"Relax," he whispered. "Feel the music. Don't think."
"How'm I gonna not think?"
"Fine. Think if you want. Let Jake guide you if it comes to it. Just follow him. Think about whatever you want. It'll be fine."
"It'll be fine," I echoed weakly.
It was more than fine. With Xander, at least. He felt so good against me. So warm and solid. Like I could put my whole weight on him. Let him carry me.
I tried not to give in. To not make it obvious how easily he could make me feel things. The pretense got harder and harder to keep up.
I wanted to melt into him. To let him guide me in slow circles all evening. To rest my head on his shoulder. Feel his breathing so close to my ear. Feel his heart beat next to mine. Listen to him murmur instructions and suggestions. Whatever he wanted to tell me, really. It wasn't about the words. It was his voice. His voice and his warmth and... and everything.
"Am I doing ok?" I asked, just to pretend like I cared about learning. Like I wasn't already getting everything I wanted out of the moment.
"You could loosen up more."
"Oh."
"You're hanging maybe a little tight on me. You know, if I'm Jake and all. You might give him ideas."
I blushed warmly. "Oh."
I didn't let go even fractionally. I clung to Xander. He let me. Every now and then he'd encourage me again to loosen my grip, and every time I ignored him.
We danced through a few songs, and I actually did gain a certain comfort with the process. Like I probably could acquit myself well enough at the actual prom. If it never came, if Xander and I just kept dancing, it'd be such a better night. A perfect night, perhaps.
But reality intruded. Dad came by to inform me that my date had arrived. Dad was far too amused about it. Only probably because he knew I didn't go out with boys, and that I was somewhat embarrassed about the whole thing. What was it with parents enjoying their kids' humiliation anyway?
I had to pretend like I wanted to go. Like I didn't want to stay in my brother's arms. Like my legs weren't jelly from our less than twenty minutes of dancing together.
I hated it. I hated it so much.
****
"So you're going out with Jake, huh?"
I shrugged uncomfortably. "Whatever. Maybe. Yeah."
"Cool. Guess he made an impression at that dance."
I tried not to look right at Xander. How could I tell him that I'd enjoyed myself, but only because his touch was still fresh on me. His scent still lingering on my senses. That if I closed my eyes I could pretend Jake was Xander. That my date was a sufficient stand in for my brother at prom for me to be able to lose myself in the illusion.
People just assumed I was into Jake. Even Jake himself did. He asked me out. I didn't know what to do. I said yes. I was stuck with it.
It wasn't the worst, but it certainly wasn't the best.
"Just trying it out," I mumbled. "Don't date much. Thought I should try it."
"Probably a good idea. Get a sense of what you want, if nothing else.
"Yeah. Maybe. Yeah."
"It'll be good for you."
"Hope so."
"It will."
"Why are you always so certain about my stuff?"
"I mean, I know you, don't I?"
I felt a small warmth inside. "Yeah."
"So I got a pretty good feel for you."
"That's... good."
"Have fun with it. See what happens."
"Ok. Yeah. Sure."
****
Chapter Two: Kasey at Nineteen
****
Jake didn't last. I knew he wouldn't. I just didn't know how long I could pretend.
University was a convenient excuse. I didn't go anywhere. Xander had stayed local, so of course I was going to.
Jake wanted me to come with him. Or to stay with me. One way or the other. I told him that didn't make sense. That we'd already been accepted and enrolled at our respective schools. We couldn't change plans now. The world didn't work like that.
He wasn't happy. I had to pretend like I wasn't either. But I was so relieved. It made things so much easier. I could breathe again. Get back to being me and not acting like I liked being a couple.
Jake would have got tired with me anyway. I didn't let him do much beyond kissing. He wanted more. He was nice enough about not going further, but he really badly wanted to. I could tell. I thought he'd break up with me on his own a few times, but he never did.
I got to drive back and forth from campus with Xander every day. Even those days where I wouldn't get to see him otherwise, we at least had those moments.
It was pretty bad, I had to admit. If I wasn't his little sister, it would probably constitute some pretty sketchy behaviour on my part. Or maybe it was worse because of that.
I was just happier with him. Just being in the car next to Xander. Some days, that was the highlight. It was what I looked forward to.
"I think I'm gonna ask Milly out," Xander said.
I repressed a sigh. I'd seen it coming. He told me about girls he was into. I didn't know why. Maybe just because we had the time every day. And possibly because I encouraged it. I couldn't help myself. I knew I'd hate it, but I hated not knowing even more.
"Which one's she?"
"Dark hair. Glasses. Cute smile. You two hit it off when you met, remember?"
"Oh."
"Don't 'oh' me."
"What?"
"You're doing it again. You liked her. As soon as I said I was gonna ask her out, you went all sullen."
"Didn't."
"Did. You're doing it now."
"She's... nice."
"Kase..."
"She is. She's nice. I... like her. She's fine."
I hated her.
"Really?"
"Really."
"Ok. Good."
I stared out the window. Fuck. Xander was right. I actually did like Milly. Except... I didn't now that he was gonna ask her out. Why was I like this? I should make more of an effort. I didn't hate her. I just hated what she represented. Or something.
I hated that I wasn't the one drawing Xander's affections.
It was stupid. I was being stupid.
"There's a boy," I said.
"Hm?"
"Gene. He's nice. He likes me."
"Oh. Well great." Xander side-eyed me. "Is it great?"
"It's ok. He might ask me out soon. I think. He's working toward it."
I'd been being deliberately obtuse. Making Gene's job harder. He wanted to, though. I could feel it.
"Ask him out."
"What?"
"You ask him. See what happens."
"That's not how it works."
"Why not? Do you like him?"
"I don't know."
"Do you think you could?"
I thought about it. I didn't really know what it would mean to like a boy. I knew what it felt like to be around my brother, but it must be different than that. It had to be. And whatever I was supposed to feel, I wasn't convinced I was feeling it. But I probably needed to keep trying.
"Maybe I'll ask him," I said.
"Good. Do it. Tell me how it goes."
"Will you... will you not ask Milly today? In case it goes bad?"
Xander gave me a funny look. "I mean... yeah. If you want. Doesn't have to be today. You nervous?"
I was, but not really about rejection like Xander probably assumed. I was more nervous about getting a yes, if anything. More importantly, though, I'd bought myself a day before Xander would have a new girl, and I'd be a second priority again.
Being second sucked. It was so much better when he was between girls.
****
My grace day wasn't enough. I knew it wouldn't be, but it still stung when Xander and Milly started going out.
Gene and I started going out too. It was ok. Nothing special.
Gene wanted to make out and stuff. I expected that. It was ok too.
What made it better was thinking about Milly, bizarrely enough. We'd be making out, and I'd think of Milly getting Xander. Making out with him. What that would feel like. I put myself in her head and imagined Gene was Xander.
He wasn't anything like my brother, really. But if I closed my eyes and lost myself deep enough, I could make believe. Those moments were so good. I felt all the things I couldn't seem to find with Gene normally, or with Jake before him.
And I wondered what it all meant. Brothers and sisters couldn't make out, obviously. I was only imagining what Milly was experiencing, which wasn't so bad, in a sense. I couldn't help feeling like if Xander ever tried to kiss me, I'd let him. I'd let him so hard.
But I shouldn't. Couldn't. But I would.
****
The day I discovered incest porn was huge for me. I honestly didn't know how I'd missed it for so long.
Sure I didn't really do the whole porn thing for the most part. It wasn't really part of my life. I masturbated sometimes. Probably not as much as a lot of people, and definitely not as much as Xander, say.
Yes, I had an idea how often he jerked off. So what?
Point was, somehow, I'd missed it. There was a lot out there. A looottt. It was like seeing in grayscale, and suddenly realizing that there were colours everywhere around me. Except with porn.
I was riveted. I clicked through video after video. My heart pounded, my fingers trembled, and my pussy gushed like it never had before. I'd never in my life been so turned on.
But it wasn't even about that. I hardly touched myself the whole time. I just sat wide-eyed and fascinated, exploring this brand new world.
I couldn't get enough. It wasn't horniness. It was something else. It was, perhaps, the first time in my life that I'd felt justified in thinking some of the things I did about Xander. The first time I realized I wasn't alone and a weird little aberration. Validation from a terribly unlikely source.
People thought about being with their siblings. Fucking them, mostly, according to these videos. But then, they were porn vids. That was their whole thing.
Probably some people didn't really want that. Surely some of them must just want to, like, kiss and be held, right?
Or was that just me? Was I still the weird one here? Somewhere in between wanting a platonic relationship with my brother, and wanting to bone him. I couldn't be the only one in there somewhere. I couldn't.
But none of these videos, amazing as they were, seemed to support that. There were no videos of sibs making out like crazy, then falling asleep together. They were straight up all fucking all the time.
I'd been home alone. I was sitting in the middle of the living room, cross-legged on the couch. I hadn't intended to look up porn on my laptop. That was the only reason I wasn't safely holed up in my room. I didn't even realize how long I'd been there, and how stiff my legs would be when I finally moved them.
"You know other people can hear that, right?" Xander said.
I jerked my head up, cheeks flushed and heart racing in sudden panic. "What? Where'd you come from?"
Xander spread his arms. "I live here. As do our parents. Watching porn with the volume up... it's a bold choice. I like it, though."
I shakily found the volume and muted the video I was in the middle of. "I didn't mean to... it wasn't..."
"Something good, huh?"
"No. I..."
Xander walked over, stepping behind the couch and looking over my shoulder.
Why didn't I just slam the laptop shut? I wanted to. My hand jerked to do it. But I didn't. I wanted him to see. I needed him to. It was proof that I wasn't crazy.
"Oh wow. That's what you're into?"
A bolt of excited stress tore through me and just kind of stayed there, yanking my insides painfully. "I didn't know it existed."
"Huh, really? It's, like, all over the internet."
"I never knew."
"That's insane." Xander paused, still watching the action on screen. "Although... you've never been super into boys..." He scratched his head. "Do you... not watch much porn either?"
"Not much. No."
"Interesting. I woulda thought... actually no, I shouldn't speculate on that."
"On what?"
"On your... habits."
I was so excited I could burst. I felt like I was close to something. Not what I wanted. Not my goal. But something. Maybe something helpful.
"What do you mean?"
Xander was quiet for a moment, which only gave me longer to speculate about what he was thinking and what exactly he'd say.
"You, uh, masturbate, don't you?"
A thrill ran through me, deep and tight, and so very wonderful. "Yes."
"I mean... do you not watch porn while you do?"
"Not a lot. I don't do any of that stuff very often, really."
"Hm. Yeah, maybe that makes sense. You've never really been super into any of it, huh?"
I fidgeted and wondered if I should pretend that I actually did more of that stuff than I truly did. Masturbating. Watching porn. Anything to get Xander talking about it more. Or thinking about me doing it.
I recognized that some of my hopes were impossible. I'd been watching too many pretend brothers and sisters using the flimsiest excuses to do unspeakable things to each other. Somewhere inside me, I had a hope that Xander was thinking of those same things with me. He wasn't. But maybe.
"I am sometimes," I said cautiously.
"Sure. Yeah. But not a lot. You never even were all into boys like some girls are."
No. Not like some girls. Not like most girls, even. He had that right.
"I'm kinda weird, huh?" I said.
"Enh. Who's to say. Maybe you got, like, a low sex-drive or something. Or... I mean you're probably not asexual I guess. But if you are, that's cool, you know."
"... asexual?"
"You know, like... well I don't know how it works. But not really into sex, I guess. Or maybe, like, people have different types of other people they're into, and maybe you don't really have any preferences. Not really into anyone. And that's totally fine. Except, you know, I don't think that's quite right. And I might not understand what I'm talking about anyway."
I nodded slowly, digesting the brief rant. "No. No I don't think it's quite right either. Not me. Not exactly."
"Didn't think so."
"But maybe... I'm very specific."
"Ha, yeah. Specifically into brothers and sisters getting it on by the look of it."
I blushed so hot that it was a damn good thing I was faced away from Xander. "I told you. I didn't know it was a thing," I mumbled.
"Sure."
"But, like, hypothetically if I did like that stuff, is that ok?"
"Don't see why not."
My heart pounded, racing hard in my chest. I felt about ready to throw up, or pass out, or something. "What if I thought about you?"
"Me?"
"You're my brother."
"Yeah. Huh. I get what you're saying. Guess that'd be maybe a little weird."
"Oh."
"It'd probably be fine though. Everyone was weird thoughts."
"Right."
Xander patted my shoulder. I couldn't decide if I wanted more of his touch, or to run from it.
"You're ok, Kase."
"You think?"
"Just... don't let the 'rents catch you like this, yeah? Don't want to have to explain why you're thinking about me like that, do ya?"
Oh god oh god oh god. He said it like a joke. Did he know? He didn't know. He couldn't know just how true it was.
I wanted to scream at him that it was all real. That he had to know it was real. But I didn't. Obviously I couldn't do that. Couldn't tell him the real reason I'd been so enamoured with these videos. More than mere morbid curiousity and a passing kink. I couldn't be sure he'd accept it in that context.
****
I thought about going further with Gene at times. When I closed my eyes and we got all close and kissy and stuff, I was better than ever at pretending like he was Xander. He never got close enough to really hit the right spots for me, but it was something.
I watched more videos. They gave me ideas. They took the edge off too. Gave me some kind of pseudo-outlet. They weren't really any better than Gene in many respects, but at least I could sit and watch them, one after another, skipping past the sex for the sake of what little plot and romance I could skim from them.
They were easier that way than Gene was. He was nice, and he was patient, but he got horny. I felt bad leading him on. Like I was ever gonna feel something more for him. I didn't really know what to do about that.
I gave him a handjob. He liked that. I didn't mind it. I spent most of the time wondering if it was anything like jerking Xander would be. If his cock would be similar. If it would feel the same in my hand.
I'd jerk Xander off if he ever asked. Do it in a heartbeat. It wasn't really what I wanted from him, but I'd be all over it.
Cum is weird and gross but also kinda super fascinating. I learned that. All those cumshots in porn made a lot more sense all of a sudden. It was still bizarre how much focus there was on them, but I was closer to understanding the appeal, at least.
"I think I have to break up with him."
Xander shrugged, eyes on the road. "Not working out?"
"I don't feel anything for him."
"Oh. Then yeah, probably should break up."
"Figured."
"Did you at least get something out of the relationship?"
"... not really."
"Oh."
"Maybe a bit. I learned some things. But I don't know that much had to do with him."
"Um..."
"Did that make any sense?"
"Not really."
"Oh."
"Like... what did you learn? Anything good?"
I slumped lower in my seat in the car. "You don't wanna hear what I learned."
"Try me."
"Don't say I didn't warn you."
"I won't."
"I... I want someone more like you."
Xander didn't know how to take that. I was pretty sure I would have gotten quite a staring-at if he hadn't been driving.
"How like me?"
Like exactly you, dummy.
"I don't know, just... like you. Like a brother."
"Oh. Incest fetish again."
"No! Well... no-ish."
"Uh huh. Dang. You know you shouldn't be telling me how much you like that stuff."
"I thought you were fine with it."
"I am. Just, you talk about it enough, I'm gonna have to start giving you shit about it."
"You really don't have to."
"I think I might, actually. Contractual. Big brother, remember?"
How the fuck could I ever forget?
"It's not really about the porn," I said uncomfortably.
"Hm?"
"Like... fuck, this really is gonna make it worse."
"Intriguing."
"The porn's just the closest I can get."
"... Kase?"
"There's not enough story to them. Just... lots of fucking."
"Oh. Ok."
Xander seemed relieved. I'd been so close to revealing that I was fixated on him. Maybe I should have just gone for it. But it could have gone so bad, and I didn't like the way he seemed happier about my criticism of porn vids. Like he wouldn't have been ok if I'd said something else. Something about him.
"I mean, you know there are other options," he said.
"What do you mean?"
"You know. You want story. Have you tried actual stories? Erotica?"
"What's that?"
"Seriously?"
"Yes. Seriously. What is it?"
"How are you my sister? I bizarrely feel like I've failed you as a brother. You're so behind on your knowledge of adult entertainment."
"I'm not! You're not! Just... what?"
"It's porn, but with words. I mean, some of it's way more romance than porn, I guess. Some of it might be what you're looking for."
"I'll, uh, have to check it out."
****
Xander was right. He was so very right. Erotica was what I'd been missing. It was so much closer to what I wanted than porn was.
A lot of it was trash, but I was used to that. Many evenings of clicking through dumb porn plots had inured me to it. Even the stuff that was well written was often so focused on sex as to be a serious impediment.
But some stories... some hit just the right spots for me. Sometimes there were pages and pages of it. Stories of brothers and sisters falling for each other, sleeping together, snuggling, talking, sharing. And sure they'd inevitably fuck, but that was ok.
Sometimes it flowed so naturally that I was dragged along and read the whole thing, seeing the beauty in it all. Other times I skipped over the sexy times and got back to the good stuff.
More and more, though, I was certain that if I ever was going to have sex, it had to be with Xander. It had to be. And maybe... maybe I'd love it. Some stories made me think it would be the pinnacle of my life. Others, I was back to thinking it was something I'd do to make him happy, and that would make me happy, and that was fine. It depended partly on my mood and how horny I was, and how the story was written.
Rarely, but sometimes, I'd get myself off to them. Sometimes in those cases I wanted the dirtier stories. I wanted sisters getting happily pounded by their brothers. I wanted lust-fueled sexy times. I wanted them looking deep into each other's eyes and cumming together and all that shit.
But mostly I wanted all the stuff around sex. Not the sex itself.
I got even more ideas from my obsessive reading. It felt like all I did, at times. My personal hobby. Becoming a connoisseur of incest erotica. And sometimes, some of those ideas could be applied to my reality, with varying degrees of success.
Slowly but with a goal in mind, I began covering myself less around the house. Wearing fewer clothes, or stuff that wasn't quite fully appropriate. It wasn't easy. It couldn't be anything that scandalized Mom or Dad, nor even Xander for that matter. I wanted him to look, to be interested in what he saw, but in a way that didn't freak him out, or that gave away what I was up to.
It was a tight line to walk, and I didn't always hit it right. More than once I got sent back to my room to put something else on. Something I'd never in my life had an issue with.
"Honestly, Kase," Dad said one morning. "Pants at the table. Pants. You always used to wear them."
I shrugged as casually as I could, not looking at Xander though I so badly wanted to know what he thought. "It's no big deal."
"You're right. It's not a big deal to go put pants on."
"I can do it later. I'm hungry."
Dad sighed, torn between affection and annoyance that I hadn't already gone to get dressed. "I don't remember ever having this issue with you before."
"It's not an issue."
I took a chance and sat down just as I was. It really wasn't anything scandalous. A shirt and panties, the latter covered by the former, if more daringly than ever before. Most of my legs were bared, but that shouldn't have been enough to get me in trouble.
"Kasey's just growing up," Mom said.
"I am?"
"I've seen it lately. You're maybe a late bloomer, but you're finding yourself now."
I shook my head and poured myself some cereal. This was not headed where I thought it would.
"Do late bloomers not wear pants?" Dad asked.
"Oh now honestly. Kasey's always been a little shy. I think it's great if she's getting over that. Besides, it's only family here. If we had guests, then yes, pants would be more appropriate."
"Maybe I just won't wear pants tomorrow. See how you like it."
"Don't sulk, dear."
Xander was grinning to himself, wisely staying out of the whole thing. I stared a little too long and caught his eye. He only grinned harder and winked at me. I had no idea what that wink was for.
****
"Erotica was a good suggestion," I said.
"Likin' it, are you?"
"Mmhm."
"Is that what's gotten into you lately?"
"What do you mean?"
"You're different. Everyone can see it. You must know that."
"Well... maybe. Maybe Mom's right. Maybe I'm getting less shy."
"I don't think that's it. I mean, partly, maybe. But it was never about being shy with you, was it? It's that you don't see the point."
"I... don't see... the point?"
"Yeah. In, like, dressing for people. Trying to get their attention. Or whatever. You're getting it though, aren't you?"
I squirmed and unconsciously tugged at my top. I was showing more cleavage than I was used to, still hoping to get one person's attention in particular.
"Maybe."
"Yeah you are. It's great."
"You think?"
"Sure. It's good to be comfortable with stuff like that when you find the right guy. Or girl."
"I'm not-"
"Hey, whatever, I'm just saying."
I nodded and looked down. "So what do you think?"
"Me?"
"Yeah."
"Of you?"
I flushed. "Yeah. Would it work on you?"
Xander was silent for a moment. Without looking at him, I had no indication of what he was thinking. I had to risk peeking at him. He only looked thoughtful.
"It just might," he finally said.
My heart swelled. "Really?"
"Yeah. I think a lot of it would be the extra confidence. But, you know, more leg and boobies never hurt, right?"
I started to cross my arms in embarrassment, then stopped myself. "Right."
"You should think about doing that thing with your hair more too."
"What thing?"
"You know, when you..." Xander made a few motions with his hands, but seemed not to have the words. He struggled a moment, then gave up. "The thing."
"I still don't know what you mean."
"You've done it before. Lots. Like... like this."
He stepped closer and reached for my hair. I stood so very still for him. His touch was so perfect as he fussed with me, trying to recreate something like what he was imagining.
I wanted him to play with my hair for hours. To just feel it. To be with him, and to have him touching me. Just caressing. Feeling cared for.
"Something like that," Xander said all too soon. "But with the braid and everything."
"You know I can't see it."
"Well, yeah, but... but..."
I took my phone out and snapped an awkward selfie. It gave me some sense of what he meant, and actually I did know which hairstyle he meant once I saw.
"Oh. That. Like kinda pulled up and braided on one side, and down and in my face in the other, yeah? You like it like that?"
"Kinda, yeah."
"I could maybe do it more often."
Xander smiled. "You should. It looks good on you."
"Thanks."
****
I wore my hair like Xander liked it. Not always, but a lot more often. He knew it was because he'd asked. He smiled sometimes when he saw me, in a way that made me all melty inside. I had to consciously not do the same thing to my hair every day. It was tempting, but I got better results when I waited a few days in between.
I carried on trying to dress a little more fun. A little sexier, maybe. It got me compliments sometimes, and sometimes those compliments were from Xander, which was what really mattered.
It got me more attention from other boys too, though. Somehow, without meaning to, I picked up another boyfriend. Avery. Probably not quite as nice a guy as I was used to, but it made me feel less horrible about myself knowing that I wouldn't be giving him what he wanted.
And to be fair, I was more explicit about not really being interested in a relationship, so he had fair warning. I said we could hang out sometimes, and maybe we'd make out on occasion, and stuff like that. He said he was fine with it. He was expecting to grow on me, of course, and expecting things to progress. Maybe it was still kind of shitty leaving him that hope, but I'd been very clear that I wasn't going for any of that, so it wasn't all on me.
Xander was seeing someone again too, and maybe that was why I said yes at all to Avery. Some feeling of loneliness or jealousy, or even just that Xander was with someone so there was no point holding out for him until he was single again.
****
Chapter Three: Kasey at Twenty
****
I got a part-time job while still doing school. I needed money. Money for clothes and makeup. Stuff I wouldn't ordinarily have gone for before. I was trying out new things, and I needed the funds for it.
Plus, rather naughtily, I had started messing around with sex toys, and they cost money too. I couldn't exactly ask for financial help buying them from either Mom or Dad.
I got a dildo 'cause I thought it might be fun to have something I could pretend was Xander getting all bad with me. That didn't really work the way it did in my mind. The vibrator I got was better. It felt really nice just having it pressed to my clit, just gentle on me, while I read stories or thought about my brother.
I got another, more powerful vibrator after that one. A magic wand. Mostly because of stuff I'd seen online. I used it much less frequently, but it was so good for getting off when I really, really needed to. That wasn't often, but it was nice to have when I needed it.
The other upside to my job, aside from the money, was Lily. Lily was another girl who worked there, about a year older than me, but close enough to my age as made no difference. I was intitally drawn to the ever-changing artful streak in her hair, and her related attitude of not stressing over much, including stuff that would have made me a ball of anxiety. And she seemed to like me, which was important too. She was the closest thing I had to a friend there at first, and later on she became one of my best friends.
At some point, we bonded over Xander. It kind of cemented us in a way that I very much wasn't used to.
"So that guy who picks you up sometimes," Lily asked one day, "that's Avery, yeah?"
"No," I said. "That's Xander."
"Oh. Oh wow, wait, that's your brother?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"I don't know. Just... the way you look at him, I assumed boyfriend."
"I don't have a boyfriend."
"Right, well, the guy you're... what, seeing? The guy you do stuff with sometimes?"
"Sure."
"Just call him your boyfriend. It's easier."
"Not for me."
Lily went quiet. Contemplative. "So what's Xander's deal then?"
"His deal?"
"Or your guys' deal."
"There's no deal."
"I mistook him for your boyfriend, and now you're adamant your actual boyfriend isn't your boyfriend either. There's something."
I looked at Lily. She looked right back. Fuck it. It wasn't a great job. I only liked it for Lily being there some days. If this fucked things up, I could always leave.
"I've got a thing for him," I said bluntly.
"For... Xander?"
"Yeah."
"Your brother?"
"Yes."
"Oh." Lily took a moment with that. "I can see it."
"You can?"
"Yeah. I mean, I've kinda got a thing for him, and I barely know him."
"Don't you dare."
"Ha, relax. I'm more into girls anyway."
"You are?"
"Yeah. Boys are fine sometimes, but girls... yeah, girls are better." She peered at me. "Have you seriously not noticed me flirting with you?"
"Was that... for real flirting?"
"Depended on how you took it."
"Oh."
"Is that ok?"
"I mean, yeah, it's fine. I'm not-"
"No no, I get it. It's ok. Long as you're cool with me being... me. Some people still aren't in this day and age."
"Sure." I shrugged. "I don't really understand how any of that stuff works. Not in any kind of normal way. It's good for people to figure it out, I think. At least what works for them."
Lily smiled. "I like that way of looking at it. But sounds like you've got troubles, huh?"
"You could say that."
"About your brother."
"Yes."
"How long?"
"Oh, fuck, like... I don't even know. It's just kind of always been a thing, maybe. But for a long, long time I was too young for it to be a... a problem."
"Makes sense."
"Apparently I used to sneak into his room when we were little. Like if I was having a bad night or something. I don't think it was on purpose, at least at first. He was just closer. But from what I remember... he was so good about it. I realize now he wasn't really any more mature than I was, but he seemed like he was at the time. It seemed like nothing could hurt me while I was with him."
Lily put a hand to her heart. "Awww. That's cute."
"Shut up."
"No, it is, though."
"You think?"
"Yeah."
"I mean, maybe it was kinda cute. It made me all warm and happy. I remember that. Usually he wouldn't let me sleep with him. But he did sometimes. I wasn't allowed to touch him. I remember that. We had to have our own sides of the bed. But... it was enough. He was there. He was warm, and his bed smelled different from mine. I... I snuck in a couple times when he was away or something. Just 'cause his bed made me sleep better."
"That's adorable."
"Yeah. Or obsessive."
"Do you think you're obsessive."
"Yeah. Probably. I don't mean to be. But just, like, why can I not get it through my head that I should be going after basically any boy other than Xan?"
"Enh. Not the worst, though. Sure you can't really be together, but at least he'd never treat you shitty, right?"
"Never."
"Yeah, see, so there you go. Worst you could do was be with someone shitty to you. By comparison, the doomed romance isn't so bad."
"Huh. Maybe. That's a good way to look at it."
"I think so."
"So... you don't think it's a problem if I don't get over him?"
"It's obviously not ideal. But, like, you know how often I get crushing on straight girls? I'm not exactly ideal either."
"That's not quite as bad."
"No. Maybe not."
I sighed. "I think Xan thinks I'm, like, asexual or something."
"Oh. Are you?"
"I don't think so. But maybe. I just, like, sometimes I think it'd be easier being totally asexual, maybe. So I wouldn't have these feelings for him."
"Yeah, asexual wouldn't cut it. You'd need to be, like, aromantic."
"What?"
"Yeah. Asexual is mostly to do with sex. If you've got romantic feelings, that's a different thing." Lily shrugged. "Unless you just really, really want to bone him and aren't all deeply in love."
"I wouldn't say I'm in love. But... yeah, that makes sense. I don't know that I actually want to... have sex with him. I would, but it's not about that." I considered. "Aromantic, huh?"
"Yeah. But I don't think it's something you can, like, learn. It's just something you are."
"Maybe if I try really hard..."
Lily smiled. "Don't think so."
"Dang."
"Yeah."
"Lily?"
"Hm?"
"I don't know why I told you any of this, but thanks for being pretty great about it."
Lily smiled. "Hey, no worries. It's no fun going through this stuff alone."
"Tell me about it."
****
Maybe it was just having someone who knew and was ok with it. Maybe that was all it took. My fantasies, my thoughts of Xander, made me feel a little less guilty and alone, anyway.
Having it figured out in my head that there was a difference between sex and romance helped too. It seemed so obvious in hindsight, but I wasn't sure I would have put it together on my own. I didn't want to fuck my brother necessarily, but I so badly wanted a relationship with him.
Not that it mattered. I couldn't have either. He was always chasing after other girls. Or in relationships with them. I still had to resign myself to never being the kind of girl he looked at that way.
I got myself kind of in trouble. It was all my confused feelings. Maybe I just wanted to try some things and see what I felt.
Whatever it was, I let myself go too far with Avery. Let him start taking some of my clothes off, let him get his dick out, touched it, stroked it, halfway convinced myself that I might as well try sex. Might as well see.
But I couldn't do it. I didn't want it. The closer we got, the more panicked I got, and the more I just wanted to run.
It was even harder for me because I could see how excited Avery was getting. How much he wanted it. I started to worry, to get truly afraid that he wouldn't accept a no from me. But what else could I do? I didn't want it. I couldn't do it. Just couldn't.
"Stop."
"What?"
"Stop! I... I can't. I don't want to."
Avery looked confused, then hurt, then annoyed bordering on angry. "What?"
"Stop," I repeated. "Give me my shirt."
"Oh seriously?!"
"Yes. Please?"
Avery fell back on the bed with a groan of frustration. His cock was out and hard, his underwear halfway down his legs, his shirt open, but not quite out of the way.
I wrapped my arms around myself, wondering if I dared to just start grabbing my clothes and dressing. I had my panties on, and my jeans only opened enough so he could get at me some. I kind of liked having my pussy touched, but it was better when I did it myself, or used a vibrator. It wasn't good enough to be worth it, at any rate. I wasn't even sure I was getting wet for him.
"What the hell, Kasey? How long are you gonna do this to me?"
"Do what?"
"Be a... cocktease."
I flushed a little angry, but also kind of embarrassed. "I'm not."
"You are."
"I told you! I told you I never wanted anything. Not really."
"Then why did you ever go out with me?"
"You asked. And I thought... I don't know what I thought. But I told you I didn't want to be your girlfriend."
"You... ugh, you don't make any sense. This is torture."
I was getting more angry by the moment, which helped fight my fear and uncertainty, at least. "So find someone else, then! Jesus. Don't put your shit on me. I've got enough of my own."
"Yeah? Like what? What shit do you have?"
"None of your business."
Avery looked disgusted. "Yeah. None of my business great. Fine. Whatever. Just go."
I wanted to remind him he'd driven me, but I didn't quite dare. I picked up my bra, my shirt, whatever of my things I could find. Maybe I'd miss something. I didn't care. I just wanted out of there.
My fingers trembled as I tried to call Xander. I didn't even think about anyone else. Didn't consider it. I needed my brother. He needed to come rescue me.
The phone rang forever before he finally picked up.
"Kase?"
"Come get me," I blurted.
"Um... Kase, I'm kinda with-"
"Please!"
Xander hesitated a moment. It wasn't long at all, but I had a sudden panic he'd say no.
"Are you ok?" he asked.
"No. I'm... I'm safe. But I'm not ok."
"Shit. Ok. Where are you?"
"Just... I'll be in front of Avery's. You remember where?"
"Yeah. I remember. Did he do something?"
"... no. Yes. But no. I don't know."
"Shit shit shit." Xander's voice was in and out a little like he was moving around frantically. "Ok. Find the nearest, like, coffee shop or something, ok? Wait there. Text me where."
I nodded, feeling reassured already. "Ok. Thanks, Xan."
"Yeah. Of course."
I realized that I was still holding my bra in my hand as I marched down the street, fighting tears. I stuffed it in my coat and kept walking. I didn't know what else to do.
The barista at the place I walked into gave me a concerned look and seemed like she wanted to ask about me, but I mumbled my way through an order and she just kind of let it go.
The drink I got was way more chocolatey and sweet than I usually went for. More desert than coffee. It tasted good, though, and comforting. Not unlike a hot chocolate on a cold, miserable day.
Xander rushed in the door a little while later, after I'd finished most of my drink despite trying to sip it slowly. He looked a bit wild, but calmed down when he saw me, and that I was sitting there relatively ok.
"Jesus, Kase. You had me kinda scared."
"Sorry. I was kinda scared myself."
"What happened."
I shrugged. "He wanted sex. I didn't."
"What? Did he..."
"He didn't do anything. It's my fault, kinda. I let him get further than usual. Get my clothes off and stuff."
"It's not your fault," Xander said firmly.
"It kinda is. I told him I didn't want any boyfriend stuff. But, like-"
"No, Kase. It's not your fault."
I felt a warm reassurance in his repetition and conviction. "I shouldn't have gone out with him."
"Maybe not. But... you have to try so you know, right?"
"I guess. I'm tired of trying, though. It's so much work. And so stressful. I don't like it."
"Yeah. Yeah I kinda get that." Xander shook his head. "It's worth it. When you can find something good, even for a little while, it's worth it."
"I wouldn't know."
"Well that's what the trying's for. Although... shit, Kase, I don't want you in situations you're not comfortable with."
I squirmed. "I'm not comfortable with much, seems like. I thought... maybe if I just had sex, if I just did it, maybe stuff would make more sense?"
"It doesn't really work that way. If stuff doesn't make sense before you do it, it probably won't after either."
"Oh. Well... fuck."
Xander chuckled as I dropped a heartfelt f-bomb. "You wanna hang here for a bit? I'm gonna order something if we're sticking around, is all."
I looked up suddenly regaining awareness of something other than myself. "Oh. Oh shit. You were with Beth, weren't you?"
"Kinda, yeah."
"Shit. Like... like how with her?"
"You really want to know?"
"Maybe?"
"Mid-sex."
"Oh no." I buried my face in my hands. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine. She was pissed, but she was fine when she realized you were in trouble."
"But I wasn't! Dammit. Why'd you pick up? I coulda got a cab or something."
"Kase, seriously, like I'm not gonna pick up when you need me?"
I flushed warm inside. I wished I had more of my drink left to hide behind, not just weird, sugary dregs. Why couldn't he say stuff like that more often? That was what I needed in my life.
"I didn't need you as bad as I thought."
"Yeah you did. It's ok. People have emotions. Be ok with that."
"Ok." I looked toward the counter. The same barista who'd served me earlier gave me a questioning look when I caught her eye. I smiled hesitantly like I was ok. Because I was. Nothing could hurt me right now. Xander was here. "Maybe... maybe you should order something?"
Xander nodded easily. "Sounds good. You want something else too?"
"Maybe. Yeah, maybe. Here, I'll pay though. You came out to get me and everything, and-"
"Nah, it's on me, Kase. Just sit tight."
Again that warm flush inside, deeper and more visceral. It was like... like how a date was supposed to feel, I thought. They never did much for me usually. And not that this was a date at all, but Xander showing up and paying for me and just wanting to take care of me... it all felt so nice. Like I mattered.
"You should maybe eat something too. What do you want?"
I broke out of my daydream that must have only lasted a few seconds, though it felt longer. "Oh, uh, actually yeah, I'm kinda hungry. But wait, for real let me give you money for that."
Xander stopped my hand fumbling with my purse. He patted my shoulder. "What do you want?" he repeated with a look in his eye like he wasn't going to let me convince him.
Drink-wise, I only had a tea the second time around. It was nice. A bit odd coming on the heels of my previous drink, but hot and soothing, adding to the warmth inside me from Xander's care and attention.
We sat and drank and ate. I only picked at my food, but we sat for long enough that I finished most of it eventually.
I wanted it to last forever. At least all evening, maybe. Until they kicked us out. I'd been on track for having the worst night in a long, long while. Now, somehow, it was the best.
Just me and Xander having a not-date. Just the two of us. Talking, smiling, laughing. Me being cared about in a way I could never imagine getting from anyone else.
The hard part was knowing how much harder this was going to make any attempt at getting over him. It felt like that was never happening at this rate.
****
"That's amazing," Lily said.
"You think?"
"Yeah! It's like... jeez, I don't know. Like your hero came to your rescue or some shit. I don't know. It's all romantic and stuff."
"It's not, really. He was in the middle of... he was with his girlfriend."
"Well see? That's even better. He chose you."
"Nah. He thought I really needed him."
"You did."
"No. I mean, yeah, kinda. But I woulda been fine."
Lily tapped my shoulder with her fist. "Stop being a bummer and just enjoy it."
I smiled cautiously. "It was so super nice," I admitted.
"There, see?"
"Like, I don't know, I just have this feeling like Xan will always be there when I need him. And he was."
"Right? Sweet. Romantic. Etc."
"And, like, having all his attention. Even if it was for something shitty. That's all I want, really. I just want to always feel like that. Or as much as possible. Like I'm all that matters to him."
"You're so far gone for him, you know that?"
"I am aware, thanks. It's been a struggle."
"It's cute though."
"Ha. Just imagine if he actually felt the same about me and... and stuff... happened."
"Sex?"
"Yeah."
"I dunno. It'd be kinda hot, I guess."
"He's my brother!"
"I know. You're the one with a crush on him. Don't be judging me."
"I'm not. But, like... do you actually think it'd be hot?"
"Kinda, yeah. Brother and sister? Yeah."
I blushed. "That kinda does it for me too," I admitted quietly.
"Well no shit. Obviously with you it would."
"Not so obvious. Not much does it for me."
"Dude, out of everyone I know, you'd be the obvious choice to be into that kink just generally. And at least a few people I know gotta be into it. It's big these days."
"Yeah, really though. You, uh, you have any favourite stuff online?"
Lily grinned. "Porn?"
"Yeah. Maybe. Or... stories?"
"Ooh, stories, huh?"
"I like some plot and romance and stuff, ok? Porn doesn't always do it right. Actually it never does."
"Mmhm. Alright. My secret little kinkster, huh? We got a connoisseur here."
"I don't know about that."
"You know exactly what you're looking for, don't ya? You probably think most stuff's trash, and you only go for real quality."
"What's wrong with that? No ones wants trash."
"When it comes to sex and romance and shit? Yeah, sometimes they do, actually. I know sometimes I just want something hot and dirty."
I shook my head. "No way. Gotta be done right. Hot and dirty's a waste if it's not set up well."
"Mmhm. Connoisseur. Or snob, maybe. Incest porn snob. Now there's something I never thought I'd see."
"Oh shush."
Lily just grinned. "Hey, wanna watch some stuff with me sometime? You can show me some of your favs."
"What, together?"
"If you're cool with it. You could just send me links or something if you want."
"I can't... that's..." I screwed up my face. "No one watches porn together. That's not what it's for."
"It's fun. You should try it."
"You've done it?"
"Yep. Well, only with a girlfriend. But I liked it when we did it."
"It'd be weird for us."
"Why? I already know what you're into."
"No but like..." I felt myself blushing red enough that Lily had to notice. "Like... we couldn't... get off together."
Lily laughed. I felt embarrassed for a moment, but it wasn't that kind of laugh. It wasn't teasing. Or at least, it mainly wasn't.
"Oh, Kase. Sure we can if we want. But nah, we don't have to watch it like that. We can just watch it. Just have fun. If you want to."
"Oh. Well... maybe."
"I'll take a maybe."
****
The memory of my rescue stuck with me longer than it did with Xander or Lily, or anyone else who might know, I assumed. I thought about orchestrating another scenario somehow, another occasion where he could come save me and care about me and make me feel special the way I so desperately wanted. It was a bad idea for several reasons, and I gave up on it.
I did other stuff, hoping it would have an effect. I made sure to wear my hair the way Xander liked, and I dressed skimpier around him when I could. Sometimes as daring as a cami and panties, leaving legs, midriff, and cleavage all well on display, as well as my panty-covered butt if he wanted to look.
He did look at times, I thought. Not quite the way I wanted, but at least somewhat appreciatively, perhaps.
Mom and Dad weren't thrilled, but whatever. Mom at least was supportive, seemingly understanding some of what I was going through. I did catch her frowning at times when I was too underdressed, same as Dad did.
Xander never minded how little I wore, but it was frustrating not to know for sure if he liked it.
"You know what's weird?" Xander asked while we were hanging out in his room.
"No. Tell me."
"You might actually be the girl who dresses sexy around me the most."
A small, thrilling surge of victory hit me inside. I tried not to smile like a total lunatic. "You think I look sexy?"
"Well obviously. A lack of clothing is, like, a pretty good bet. And you're pulling it off these days."
I looked down at myself. Cami and short shorts today. And Xander fucking liked it!
"Thanks."
"Honestly, Kase, if you ever find the right guy, he's gonna be super lucky."
I nodded and toyed nervously with the braid I'd put in my hair. The one I wore most days now, just for Xander.
"I think... I think it still wouldn't work on 'the right guy'."
"I can't see why not."
"Well... it hasn't yet."
"Oh?" Xander's eyebrows went up. "Are you telling me there's someone you haven't told me about? How long?"
"Long."
"What? Hm. You're gonna have to give me a hint. But, like, why haven't you gone after him instead of these other guys you've been with?"
"Couldn't."
"Why not?"
"It's complicated."
"Oh." Xander shrugged. "Well you don't have to tell me. But you can."
"You wouldn't like it."
"Try me."
"You wouldn't!"
"I said try me."
My heart pounded. He was forcing me. It took discipline to never tell him the truth. If he pushed, how was I supposed to hold it back.
"You can't get mad."
"I won't."
"Promise?"
"Kase, it's me."
I nodded. That was enough. Xander. My big brother. He wouldn't be mad. But he'd reject me. I knew he would. He didn't know what he was leading me into, but he'd gone and done it now.
"Yeah," I said. "It's you."
"Right. So who is it?"
"You."
"No, who's the guy?"
"You."
"Kase?"
"Dammit, Xan, it's you. It's always been you."
Xander took a long time to process. I could see him working through it. See it in his eyes.
"Me?"
"You."
"That doesn't make any sense."
I laughed weakly. "Sure it does."
"But... it's not 'cause of, like, that stuff you're into, is it? The porn? Because-"
"I'm into the porn because of you," I said softly. "Not vice versa."
"Oh. What? Oh. Oh Kase."
"Yeah." I sighed. "Sad, huh?"
"It's... something."
"So go on."
"Go on what?"
"Tell me what you think."
"I don't know what to think."
I smiled sadly. "Sure you do."
"Kase, I really don't."
"You think it's weird."
"I don't."
"No?"
"No. But it's confusing. I don't understand... really? It's me?"
"Yes. Of course it's you."
"Why me?"
I sighed and hugged my arms around me, regretting my lack of clothing all of a sudden. I needed something for comfort, and didn't have it. "It just is. That's all. It happened. And it's so far back that it's not really obvious when."
"Oh. But... you've never liked guys. Not really."
"None except you."
"Oh Kase..."
"Yeah, I know. Pathetic. But it is what it is."
"Not pathetic. Just... unfortunate."
"Hm, yeah, that too." I fell back on Xander's bed, back to not caring what he did or didn't look at. And maybe hoping just a little that he was looking at something. "Maybe it was that time you pushed a kid for me. That one who kept bugging me when I was... fuck, I don't know. Little. Or maybe it was when Mittens died and I was a wreck and you kind of held me together somehow." I shrugged. "I really don't know what it was. But you've always been there, you know? Always."
"I'm your brother."
"I'm aware."
"Like, brothers are there for sisters. It happens lots."
"Not like you."
"You make me out as something I'm not."
"Just how I see you. You gave up sex for me."
"Not permanently."
"No. But you did. That night."
"Yeah, well, you needed me."
I smile wanly. "Exactly. You've never not been there when I needed you. And... and you always make me feel better. Everything's better when you're there. Good stuff's better. Bad stuff's less bad. You can melt me with a smile. Especially when I know it's just for me."
"Kase, come on."
"I'm just saying. It's not some flighty thing. It's how I feel. I don't want anyone else. I just want you. And I can't have you. I know that. So I steal what I can."
"So... the outfits?"
"To see if I got your attention, yeah. It kinda worked."
"Jeez. It kinda did. I didn't realize..." Xander shook his head. "You tricked me."
"Sorry. It's all I've got. You've been so good to me, and all I've got is... I don't know. Boobs, I guess. You like boobs."
"Are you kidding me?"
I cringed. "You don't like them?"
"No. I mean yes. Kind of. Don't confuse me. I'm saying you're amazing, Kase. You don't need to flash skin at me. You've been there for me just as much as I have for you."
"Nah."
"Yeah. You have. Every break up, you've been there."
"'Cause it makes me happy some other girl doesn't have you for a while."
Xander snorted. "Well yeah, ok. But you actually really help. Just so you know."
"Oh."
"Or, like, you do actually make some good points about who I'm seeing. In between petty snark. It helps me not be too stupid sometimes."
"Again, self-serving."
"Sure. I guess. Shit, I don't know, now you're in my head. Kase, you're the best sister I could have hoped for, ok? And if it's all because... because you want to have sex and stuff-"
"What? Ew. No. I don't want that." I hesitated. "I mean, I would if you wanted. But that's not what I want."
"You don't?"
"No. I just want... I want to be your girlfriend, ideally. I want you to always look at me the way you sometimes do, when I'm the only one you're thinking about. And you know, if sex would get that for me..."
"We're not having sex, Kase."
"No, I know. Just saying. It's on the table."
"Well take it off."
"Nope."
"Fine. Whatever. Don't act like you don't want it, though. The problem with me knowing the porn you're into is playing coy doesn't work."
"Only because of you! I told you. All I really want is the stories that, like, tell it properly. That aren't all fucking and banging and stuff."
"They're still incest."
"Thought you didn't care about that."
"I don't. But there's context to it now. And... and I don't know if it's healthy."
"Obviously it's not healthy! Are you kidding? Obviously it's not."
"Oh. Well... good, then. As long as we're clear."
"We're very clear. Ask me if it helps any."
"... does it help any?"
"It does not."
"Oh. Damn."
"Yeah."
I lay there on Xander's bed. I longed to bury myself under his covers and cocoon myself in. To take solace and comfort in being surrounded by his scent and lingering presence. It probably wouldn't have gone over particularly well though.
Silence reigned for a time. I was thinking. Xander was thinking. We were both kind of worked up and unsure of ourselves.
"I still love you, you know," he said quietly.
I managed a weak smile. "Thanks."
"You're my sister. Always. That's not changing."
"Yeah. Unfortunately."
"No. Not unfortunate. Whatever you think right now, I wouldn't change us being sibs for anything. And I don't think you would either."
"It's like you know me or something."
"Yeah. Maybe I know you."
I groaned. "No, Xan, I wouldn't give you up for anything either. But... dammit I just wish I had a chance, you know?"
"Kase..."
"No, I get it. I understand. And if I wasn't you sister, I'd have even less of you. Way less. But it hurts. It hurts a lot sometimes."
Xander smiled crookedly. "Guess I was wrong. I thought going out with boys would help you see some of the good parts of relationships. Maybe you already knew."
"It's torture!"
"Yeah. That's part of it."
"I don't like it!"
"That's part of it too. But you know, don't you? That you put up with it all because sometimes... sometimes there's nothing in the world that comes close."
Fuck. I did know. The good moments with Xander were the best dang parts of my life. And the bad parts were, as I'd stated, torturous.
"Why'd it have to be you," I whispered.
"That I can't answer."
"Damn."
"Yeah."
"Thanks for trying."
Xander snorted and moved closer. He ran his hand over my head sympathetically, petting me like I was a sad puppy rather than a very sad sister. "You'll be ok."
"Will I?"
"Yes."
"... will you play with my hair some more?"
Xander chuckled softly. "You think that's appropriate?"
"No. Do it anyway?"
"Will it make you feel better?"
"Yes. Probably not long term. But for a little while it will."
Xander weighed his options, then nodded. "Ok. But no getting more attached."
"How would I possibly get more attached than I already am?"
"Just sayin'. Don't."
Laying my head in Xander's lap and letting him tease my hair helped to salvage the day. Between that and our whole conversation, which honestly didn't go as disastrously as it might have, I had mixed and complicated feelings for a long while afterward.
At least I still had my brother.
****
Chapter Four: Kasey at Twenty-One
****
"You can't move out!"
"Kase, I-"
"You can't! Don't even say it!"
"Look, you know things with Beth have gotten pretty serious."
"Yeah, but-"
"This is what people do. They move in together."
"Doesn't mean you have to."
"I want to."
"But-"
"Look, I'm done with university. My job's going ok. I've got a girlfriend, and we're good together. You don't even hate her."
"I do now."
"I know. But really, we can't stay home forever. You know that."
I folded my arms and shook my head in childish petulance. "It's not fair."
"No, it's not fair. I agree with you there. But... maybe some space wouldn't be a bad thing in the long run? Not right away, but eventually. Maybe."
I felt myself tearing up. I wanted to hold it together. To try and pretend like I could handle it. But I couldn't.
"It's... it's not fair," I repeated, not quite crying yet.
"I know. I'm sorry."
I turned around. Xander already knew I was breaking down. It wouldn't do any good to try and hide it. But I tried anyway.
"Ok. Whatever."
"Kase-"
"Whatever! Go, then."
"This has nothing to do with you, you know. I don't love you any less."
"I never should have told you how I felt."
"Ok, obviously this has nothing to do with that."
"It... whatever. Just go."
"I-"
"Go!"
I hated being shitty to Xander, but I didn't know what else to do. I needed to be alone. I needed him out of my room. Most times if things were bad, I wanted him as close as possible. When things were bad because of my feelings for him, sometimes I needed the opposite. This moment in particular, I just couldn't handle having him in my room.
He was going to leave me. Of course he was. I had to have known it would happen eventually. But in my little fantasy world, we'd live together forever. I didn't know how I'd thought that would work.
Finally alone, I cried. I just cried. Nothing else to be done. I couldn't stop him. Couldn't break him and Beth up. Couldn't prevent time from marching on.
If I somehow did something drastic enough that he couldn't leave, it'd only strain our relationship, and I knew it. That didn't stop it being tempting to do... something.
Mom came in after the worst of my emotions had flowed out of me. By then, I was mostly just curled up in a ball, occasionally sobbing.
"He's not going that far, you know," Mom said gently.
"Too far."
"I know. It feels that way, doesn't it?"
"I hate it."
Mom's hand landed on my shoulder, gently rubbing in circles. I tensed against it, then slowly relaxed, and eventually rolled onto my tummy so she could rub my back. Neither of us said anything about it. It was like I was a kid again, and for the moment I didn't care at all. It was comforting, and I needed it.
"It's not easy for me either," Mom said. "My babies getting all grown up. You'll be moving out soon too, I expect."
"Maybe."
"And I've just got to watch you go. I can't hold you back. That would only hurt you."
"Xan hurt me."
"No, sweetie. He's just living his life. He doesn't want to leave you, but you know he has to have his own life, don't you?"
I squirmed. "Does he really have to?"
"Yes."
"Damn."
"I love how close you two have always been. Never fighting like some siblings do. Never had to worry about you when you were together. You'd always look after each other."
"Xan looked after me."
"Mmhm. You were there for him too. Don't think I haven't noticed."
"Not the same."
"Maybe it seems that way. I think you both just do it without thinking. You could help him after breakups in a way I never knew how. Or when he broke his leg that time."
I smiled despite myself. "He thought he was gonna be a skateboarder."
"Mmhm. At first, while he was stuck in bed or on the couch, I couldn't pry you away from him. He would have been miserable if you weren't there looking after him and just... being with him. We had to drag you away at night just to make sure you slept. And I still remember finding you asleep next to him some mornings."
I smiled a little wider, cracks of happiness marring the otherwise smooth surface of my current tragedy. "He tried to learn to use the crutches. And he was sooo bad at it."
"He got there. But yes, he was at first."
"Well what's he gonna do now if he does something stupid again, huh?"
"He'll deal with it. It's not like you won't see each other, but maybe it's good to sometimes grow on your own. Maybe?"
"Ugh. Don't want to."
"I know. It's not going to be easy."
"No. It's not."
****
I sat next to Lily on her bed, staring vacantly at the porn playing on her tablet propped up in front of us. It was an incest scene. It almost always was with us.
It had been weird at first watching this stuff with her, but fun and exciting too. It made me feel less alone. These days it barely even registered as anything abnormal.
Lily was bottomless and casually rubbing herself. I'd taken my jeans off, but just kind of sat there without ever touching my panties, let alone beneath them. I couldn't cum as easily as she could at the best of times. With my heart still heavy at losing Xander, I didn't even feel like bothering.
Lily made herself cum before she finally stopped the video. "Not in the mood, huh?"
"Nah."
"Thought it might help."
"Sometimes it does." I sighed heavily. "I don't think much of anything could help right now."
"He's only been moved out a week. It might get better."
"Yeah. It might." My heart tightened. "I miss him so much."
"I know."
"He still came over on the weekend, but only for a couple hours, and mostly only to grab some more of his stuff."
"Oof."
"I slept in his bed last night."
"Yeah?"
"Still smells like him. I'm dreading the day Mom decides to wash his bedding and put it away. She will, you know."
"Well... yeah, I get that. Can you just ask her not to?"
"I can't imagine that would go over well."
"Why not? Just tell her you want to... smell him... sometimes... Ok yeah, maybe don't do that."
"Yeah."
"Well, like, steal his pillows or something. Just play it off like you want them for Maximum Comfort or something. It might help."
"Maybe. It's gonna be brutal anyway. Whatever I do."
"It is. But you're hanging in there, yeah?"
"Technically."
"Make him visit more. Go visit him."
"Friggin' Beth's always around!"
"Friggin' Beth," Lily agreed supportively.
"You know the worst part?"
"No."
"I don't even hate her. I want to, but she's actually nice. She's good for Xan. I can see it."
"Oh."
"Usually it's so easy to hate them. But I can't even with her. Even though... shit, I'm pretty sure she was the first girlfriend he had sex with."
"You think?"
"Best I can figure. Maybe he and Milly did it. I don't know."
"How would you know these things?"
"Best guesses is all. I know exactly the first time Xan and Beth had sex. He was so fucking happy for days. Like irritatingly happy."
"Oh. Yeah. That kind of thing. I getcha."
"Or maybe he's fucked them all. Every fucking girl. Except me. Everyone except me."
"Don't spiral, Kase."
"Doin' my best."
"I know. You don't even want to fuck him anyway."
"No, but... if he wanted..."
"Yeah, dude, I know. But that's not what you want. Not good to fixate on it."
"Easier said than done."
"Sure. Most things are. Plus you just said you only thought it was Beth. Not, like, 'everyone'."
"That's true. Doesn't help much, but yeah, you're right. I might be spiraling a little."
"No way, really?"
"Shush."
"I think it's good at least that you're not instinctively hating Xan's girlfriends anymore."
"Maybe. Could just be Beth though. Maybe she's just, like, actually not a bad person or something. Maybe she can make Xan happy. I do want him to be happy."
"Yeah, of course."
"But, like, how'm I gonna be happy?"
"Shit, that's the trick alright. Pretty sure everyone asks themselves that."
"Are you happy?"
"Enh. I'm doing ok, I think. Be happier if I could find the right person. You know, kinda like you."
"A girl?"
"Probably. Not necessarily, but probably."
I nodded, feeling just stupid enough to carry on my line of thought. "What about me?"
"Uh... in what sense?"
"Like you kinda liked me, right?"
"Well yeah. Still kinda do, but just low-key. Not a big deal. What are-"
I moved quick, darting in to kiss Lily. She was very clearly surprised. Even once she figured out what was happening, she let the kiss linger a moment before pushing me away.
"Kase, don't."
"But you like me."
"Yeah. But that's not you."
"How do you know? Maybe that's why I don't really want boys. Maybe I like girls."
"But you don't, do you?"
I struggled internally. "Well... no. I don't think so."
"Don't try and force it."
"But... but..." I slumped back. "I'm sorry."
"It's ok. It was a nice kiss, if that helps."
I snorted. "Yeah. I mean actually, it was kinda nice. I think maybe... maybe I've never started a kiss."
"What? Really?"
"Yeah. I've been ok with kissing boys sometimes. But never really excited enough to want to go for it. Just, like, let it happen when they wanted to."
"Well gee. I feel special now."
"You should."
"Did it... do anything for you?"
"Ugh. No. Not really. And... and I just realized your pussy's still out, and now I feel even weirder about what I did."
Lily laughed softly. "I'll put pants back on."
"I appreciate it."
"It really wasn't a bad kiss."
"Thanks?"
"If you ever feel like you actually really might like me, I'd do it again."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. But I'm not being your get-over-Xander-free card."
"No. I know. Sorry again."
"It's cool."
"I don't think it'd really get me over him anyway."
"No. Probably not. You want ice cream?"
I nodded. "Yeah. Yeah I really do."
"Great. Go pick some up and we'll have at it."
"Oh you dick. That's such a tease."
Lily beamed angelically. "You owe me one. You just surprise-kissed me."
"You said we were cool!"
"We are. We'd be even cooler if you get us ice cream."
"Right. Because it's cold. Ha ha, etcetera."
"I didn't actually mean it that way, but yeah, that too."
"You know this means I gotta put pants back on too."
"The world is just full of hardships."
****
Chapter Five: Kasey at Twenty-Two
****
I moved in with Lily. Her roommates left and she needed some new ones anyway. I was one, this guy Brendan was another. He and Lily were already kind of friends, and we got along well enough, so it was fine.
It was good for me. I couldn't handle living at home without Xander. As predicted, Mom had washed his bedding and ruined me being able to sneak in and sleep in his bed to pretend like he was still around. For a while I'd still been able to curl up in one of my brother's hoodies I'd stolen, but that wasn't nearly enough.
The good news was I probably grew out of some of my obsession. I hated to think that other people had been right, that it wouldn't be so bad, that I'd actually come out better in the end. They were right, though. I didn't strictly need Xander in my life. I missed him, but I could function. Even enjoy myself.
I still texted with Xander frequently, and we met up sometimes. I tried to get once a week with him, but sometimes it was two or three weeks between visits.
I was waiting for him at a coffee shop this time. Coffee dates were easy and reminded me of the time he'd rescued me.
"Hey, Kase."
I looked up from my phone and smiled. "Hey, Xan."
"Waiting long?"
"Nah. I was early anyway."
"Mmhm. I'ma grab a coffee and be right back."
I nodded and went back to my phone while Xander was ordering. Really, though, I watched him while pretending to be looking down.
He looked good. He always did to me. But maybe... maybe he didn't look like he was putting quite the same effort in as I was used to. I'd been noticing a faint trend toward slacking off. Ever since he and Beth moved in together, I thought. Like he just didn't feel the same need to attract attention these days.
"How's it like being out of school finally?" Xander asked.
"Pretty good. It was getting tiresome."
"Yeah. I get that. I miss parts of it, but overall... nah, don't miss it."
"Mmhm. My job's going good too. I wasn't sure at first, but they're finally letting me do some of the stuff I'm supposed to be there for."
"What were you doing before?"
"Like... busywork. Printing stuff. Entering data."
"Oof."
"Yeah. Had to tell them that wasn't why I wanted the job. I got a degree for a reason, and it wasn't to be an intern."
"Went well?"
"Yep."
"Nice." Xander favoured me with a broad smile. "You're really figuring the world out, huh?"
I shrugged. "I don't know about that."
"I do. Honestly, you might not like to hear it, but I think you're doing better without me around all the time."
I fidgeted with my half-finished drink. "No, you're right. I do hate it, but yeah, it was good for me."
"I'm glad."
"It's... it's whatever. It's good. I miss you."
"I know. I still wake up sometimes and think you're gonna be there. Start thinking about, like, asking what you want for breakfast, or if you need a drive. Then I remember... you know."
"You think that stuff?"
"Not a lot. But sometimes. I miss living with you too, you know."
"Well good. You should miss me."
"I do."
I nodded like it was settled. "So, uh, how's Beth?"
Surprisingly, Xander seemed to struggle with a fairly usual and innocuous question. "She's... good."
"Is she?"
"Yeah."
"Buuuttt?"
"I don't know. She's talking about getting married."
I choked on my coffee. "What?"
"Yeah. Like not right away. But she thinks maybe we should at least get engaged or something?"
"Really? Isn't it kinda early for that?"
"That's what I thought," Xander said, seeming relieved that I agreed. "Like I really like her and everything. And living together's going good. But... I'm not ready to be married."
"What's the hurry?"
"Exactly. But maybe... maybe I just go along with being engaged? See how that goes?"
"Xan..."
"I know. I shouldn't do it if I don't want to."
"Correct."
"But I don't not want to, if that makes sense. I'm not sure. And engaged isn't as crazy as married."
"You get engaged, she's gonna push for marriage."
"Probably, right?" Xander sighed. "I kinda miss just dealing with you wanting to get in my pants. Simpler times."
I giggled softly and looked around to make sure no one heard. Though to be fair, no one knew us, or that I was his sister. "I never tried to get in your pants."
"Easy to say now."
"I never did! Being in love with you and wanting to bone you are two different things."
"Ah. So you never wanted to bone me. Good to know."
I shifted awkwardly. "Well... maybe not never..."
"Ha. I miss you, Kase."
"Could always move in with me. I'll leave my roommates, you leave your girlfriend. We could get back to our weird little codependent sibling thing."
"I could be down for that. Lemme give this thing with Beth a go first. Your plan can be the backup."
There was conflict within me between the easy, mildly fucked up banter we slid into, and the sad knowledge that I wasn't going to get picked over Beth. I knew that right from the start, of course. But I liked to pretend even just for a moment.
Still, it wasn't as heartbreaking as it would have been even a year ago. I was getting better and more independent all the time. Didn't mean I had to like it.
"Your funeral," I said, feigning disinterest as best I could.
"It's gonna be fine," Xander said, trying to convince himself as much as me.
"I'm sure she'd be glad to hear that it'll be... 'fine'."
"Oh shush. How's your love life going?"
"Low blow, bro. Low blow."
"Hey, I don't know. Maybe you actually found someone. How'm I to know if I don't ask?"
"Me and Mr. Vibey are doing just fine, thanks for your interest."
"Mr. Vibey? You don't really-"
"No. It doesn't have a name. I'm not that weird."
"Good to know."
"I'm thinking of trying out butt plugs."
Xander went gratifyingly pink. "Kase!"
"You asked."
"I did not ask about your masturbation habits."
"You essentially did."
"I did not."
"Lily says butt play's pretty fun sometimes. I thought-"
"Still didn't ask!"
"No." I grinned devilishly. "But you're going so red I couldn't help myself."
"Well... stop."
"Poor innocent brother. Such a prude."
"Not wanting to hear about my little sis sticking things up her... butt... does not make me a prude."
"You didn't care about my vibrator."
"That's... I don't know. That's easier. Normal."
I arched an eyebrow. "Ooh, ok, so you actually are a prude. How did I never know?"
"I'm not!"
"Have you even done any butt stuff?"
"What, me? Or with a girl?"
"Either."
"... no."
I cackled gleefully. "I finally got one up on you!"
"Whatever."
"At least I've tried-"
"Please don't tell me what you've tried."
"Don't you wanna knooowww?"
"No."
"Even if-"
"Nuh uh."
"-it was just fingers?"
"What part of 'I don't want to know' is confusing you?"
"Oh I get it. I'm just loving this."
"I bet you are."
"You know, if Beth won't do that stuff, you could always-"
"Kase, I don't want to threaten our coffee dates. But if you finish that sentence..."
I threw my hands up. "Done! I'm done."
"Good."
"Prude."
"Little shit."
I grinned.
Xander shook his head. "I think I miss the days of you being all repressed and semi-asexual and whatever."
"Oh I still am. Don't worry. Just... I try stuff sometimes. Lily's been good for that."
"Oh yeah? Anything going on there?"
"Ha, no. Not like that. Nothing romantic."
"Ah. Oh well."
"But she has shown me some stuff."
"... in what sense?"
"Thought you didn't want to know."
"You're right. I don't."
"But you were cuuurious for a sec, huh?"
"Maybe."
"Me with another girl, eh? That's what does it for you?"
"Not hardly."
"It did. For a sec it totally did."
"Stop grinning like that."
"Can't."
"You're a weird girl, Kase."
"Yeah. I've been told."
****
"You mind if Brendan joins us?" Lily asked.
"With what?"
"Our porn night."
"What, seriously?"
"Yeah. Is it ok? We could watch on the tv in the living room if we didn't have to keep it all secret."
I folded my arms. "Lily, did you already tell him about it?"
"Maybe."
"Lily!"
"Well he was curious."
"So what?"
"He's our roommate. He's cool. It's fine."
"Says you. I don't want to have to stop watching what we want to just so-"
"Oh, no. No no. He's cool with incest vids."
"... he is?"
"Yeah."
"You told him everything?"
"It kinda happened. It was going so well, and we just kept talking."
"Ugh."
"Come on. You like Brendan."
"I like lots of people that I don't want to share my dirty side with."
"That's fair. Give it a try anyway?"
"Is he gonna perv on me?"
"I dunno. Probably not."
"Great."
I had my doubts, and it was definitely a little awkward at first, but it actually wasn't too bad. I kept all my clothes on at first and made Lily sit on the couch with Brendan while I took the recliner.
Lily wasn't bothered and was first to strip her jeans and panties off so she could freely rub herself.
She had to repeatedly nudge Brendan before he finally got his dick out. He didn't seem any much more comfortable than I was at first.
Once they were both masturbating, I felt like it was probably fine if I did too. I left my panties on and just sneaked my fingers in underneath, still not quite willing to give Brendan a show in case he looked my way, which he occasionally did.
"You guys really do this a lot?" Brendan asked.
"For sure," Lily said. "Had to always be on my little tablet though. The big screen's way better."
"And it's always... incest?"
"Nearly always, yeah. Sometimes I pick something else. Kasey's a one-track girl though."
"Oh shut up," I said, flushing slightly. "Don't blame me."
"It's genuinely mostly because of you though," Lily said. "I never watched nearly so much incest porn before we started doing this."
I shook my head and pulled my knees up, curling into more of a ball while still rubbing myself. "You make me sound like a total perv."
"Which is funny considering how horny you generally aren't."
Brendan looked back and forth between us. "I'm missing something, aren't I?"
"Lots of things," Lily said. "Enjoy the show, would you?"
All three of us pretended to go back to watching the porn on the tv. It wasn't particularly doing much for me, though, and I kind of just left my hand covering my pussy, barely moving.
The initial setup had been kind of sweet. A sister all nervous for prom. Her brother danced with her some before she went, made her feel more confident. When she got back, she sneaked into his room and they talked some.
Then they boned. They always boned. Never just fell asleep all cuddled and snug. It was ok, but not what I wanted.
As soon as sex happened, that's all it was. Maybe they'd call each other 'brother' or 'sister' sometimes, but it lost all meaning. It kinda sucked. Sometimes vids could still do it for me at that point. This one couldn't.
Lily and Brendan didn't have that problem. They played with themselves while watching the action. Brendan even scooted his pants down to his ankles and freed up more of his cock for stroking and for someone to peek at if she wanted. Which I did.
It wasn't really sexual. Not like I was getting off on seeing his penis. It was more just that I was used to Lily being bottomless, and us casually being together half naked. A boy with his cock out that wasn't expecting me to do stuff was a bit of a novelty.
It gave me ideas, honestly. Thoughts of Xander in particular. Wondering if there was ever a world where he and I did something like this. Masturbating together to videos of pretend siblings falling for each other.
That was wishful thinking, of course. He wasn't interested that way. And even if he was, he had a girlfriend he was about to get engaged to.
At least my little daydream got me kind of worked up again. Gave me something to rub myself to, even if it wasn't enough to really get me there. I needed something way better to cum. Lots of times I didn't finish. It was fine. I wasn't even jealous much of Lily these days, and her superhuman ability to usually cum when she wanted to.
Though admittedly, it probably just meant she was normal, and only seemed to have powers relative to my dysfunctional self.
****
Mom and Dad were thrilled to hear Xander and Beth were engaged. I had to endure a family dinner with everyone gushing about it.
For the most part, I stayed quiet and picked at my food. Xander had moments in between acting excited where he went just as quiet as me. No one seemed to notice. Just the two of us at times, making knowing eye contact across the table.
We somehow made an excuse to stand outside by ourselves for a bit after dinner. Xander casually sipped at a half-emptied beer bottle. I'd already had two glasses of wine and needed to chill so I could drive myself home later. The buzz was already on the downswing, and I needed to just let it fade no matter how much more pleasant it would have been to ride the evening comfortably drunk.
"Pulled the trigger, huh?"
Xander shrugged. "Wouldn't say that. Married would be the trigger, wouldn't it? More like cocked the gun, if anything."
"Hehe, cocked."
"It's a real word."
"I know. But it's funny."
"You're taking this remarkably well."
"Oh, I hate it, thanks for asking."
"No, I know. But you haven't been actively sulking."
"True. Seemed uncouth."
"Fair." Xander took another drink. "We're gonna be happy."
"Never said you weren't."
"We love each other."
"Who you arguing with, Xan?"
"Just sayin'."
"Mmhm."
"I'm not ready to get married yet."
"I know."
"But I should be."
"Who's to say when you 'should be'?"
"It's good though. The sex has been way better since we did the whole 'engaged' thing."
"Thanks for sharing?"
"Beth's happy."
"Xan, listen, you don't have to get married. And even if you do, it doesn't have to be yet. Stay engaged a while. See how it goes."
"That's the plan. I'm already worried for when she gets impatient though."
"Have you told her any of this?"
"How can I do that? She'd be crushed."
"Seems like you dug yourself quite a hole then, didn't ya?"
Xander sighed. "Yeah. I think I did. This is supposed to be fun. It's so stressful."
"Even with the good sex?"
"That helps. Lots of other stuff's good. I don't mean to imply it isn't. I'm happy with her."
"Uh huh."
"I'd be happier if... if we could just be together, you know? Why we gotta be making it a whole thing?"
"Don't ask me. She's your girlfriend. Sorry, your betrothed."
"Ugh."
I grinned. "And just think. You coulda had me instead. Never woulda been any issue about marriage."
"You mean 'cause it's mildly illegal?"
"That too, I guess. I just meant I wouldn't really care."
"At all?"
"Nah. Well, maybe I shouldn't say at all. It'd feel kinda nice everyone knowing we were together, I guess. Even if that's the impossible cherry on the already-nearly-impossible sundae."
"You still think about stuff like that?"
"Sure. Less than I used to. It helps not always having you around. It sucks too. But at least I think about other stuff. I still basically only get off to brother and sister stuff online."
"You know I don't need details like that."
"You asked."
"I did. Not that specific, but I did."
I hesitated while Xander took another drink. "There's this guy Brendan..."
"Your roommate? Or another one?"
"No. Him. He's kinda interesting."
"Oh?"
"Yeah."
"Like for real?"
"I think so. Maybe. I don't know that I could really be into him. Not like in a normal way. But he's been watching porn with me and Lily. He's kinda into that stuff too."
"... you watch porn together?"
"Yeah. Have I never said?"
"Maybe. You'd think I'd remember that, though."
"Mmm. 'Cause you do so enjoy the thought of me and Lily messing around, don't ya?"
"You continue to misinterpret things. Deliberately, I assume."
"Enh."
Xander shrugged. "Well if Brendan already knows what you're into, could be a good thing."
"Yeah. I think so."
"Makes it easier when you want to explore your kink some more. Since he already knows about it."
"Does make it easier. Never dared bring it up before." I shivered slightly even though it wasn't that cold out. "You think he'd be ok with, like, calling me his sister or something?"
"Don't know. Don't really want to know."
"Oh come on. You're curious too."
"Do you even know if he's interested in the first place?"
"Well... no. But he probably is. Boys like girls who will play with their dicks. If I offer, I'm probably in."
"I... shit. I wanted to say it's not that simple, but it definitely can be."
"Mmhm."
"That's not a solid basis for a relationship, let's put it that way."
"Who said anything about a relationship? I just wanna see if I feel anything for a guy who can... push my buttons."
"You want him to pretend to be me or what?"
I felt my face warm. "Not... not exactly. Just pretend to be a brother, maybe. That's all. He couldn't be you."
"That's a relief."
I looked at Xander, feeling self-conscious. "But you know my interest in this stuff comes from you," I said softly. "Not the other way around."
"... I guess I probably did know that, yeah."
"You made me the mess I am."
"Don't blame me for you being a little weirdo."
"I blame you."
"Fair enough." Xander finished his beer. "Ready to head back in?"
"Are Mom and Dad and Beth all still raving over her ring?"
"Probably."
"Ugh."
"Come on. It'll be fine. We'll be together."
I eyed Xander sidelong as we went back in. It was unfortunate getting excited over him saying we'd be together, when in fact the whole problem was him being together with a different girl. And yet, despite all my progress, something small like that was all it took to make me all fluttery inside.
How, after all this time, could he still do that to me?
****
It was weird to realize I'd gotten used to Brendan and having him join Lily and me in our little perv parties. I saw an awful lot of him without pants on. Mostly in the context of jerking off.
I would even go so far as to say that I kind of liked having him around. Lily had been huge for me. Having a friend who understood and empathized with my unfortunate attraction. Brendan became something similar. Not quite as important, but meaningful to me in a different way from either Xander or Lily.
Brendan was a boy who I was fairly close to, but wasn't related and wasn't trying to get in my pants. That confused me at first, but I got to really cherish it after a time. Despite us masturbating together to incest porn, we probably had the healthiest and most normal relationship I'd ever had with a boy.
It was either that comfort or some sort of self-sabotage that led me to push things, and I really couldn't tell which.
I waited until a night where Brendan and I were doing a porn night but Lily wasn't with us. Those nights were pretty rare, her being the most likely of the three of us to initiate such events.
"So hey," I said, eyes locked firmly on the screen. "Can I ask something?"
Brendan nodded, which I only caught because my attention was firmly on him in my peripherals. He was slowly stroking himself while we watched a pretend brother and sister do the initial awkward dance that would inevitably lead to sexy times.
"Go ahead," Brendan said.
"Just, like, hypothetically... how would you feel about me sucking you off?"
Brendan couldn't decide between gaping in astonishment, or smiling like a goof. Even staring more directly at him didn't sort out which emotion he was going to land on.
"How hypothetical?"
"I'd like to try it."
"Oh! Well-"
"But I don't want it to be a whole thing. Like... is it ok if we do something like that and then maybe that's it? Maybe nothing else?"
"Maybe nothing else, or definitely nothing else?"
"Maybe. Just maybe."
"Ah." Brendan wrestled briefly with the decision. "I can't pretend like I haven't thought about you a bit," he admitted.
"Really?"
"Is that surprising?"
"Maybe not. You've seen... you've seen bits of me. My pussy, particularly."
"Not often. You keep it pretty covered even when you're half naked."
I grinned shyly. "Frustrating?"
"A little. But I don't know. I like this whole... getting off together thing. I didn't want to ruin it."
"I appreciate that." I let my legs fall apart somewhat, keeping my hand well away, letting Brendan get a peek at me if he wanted. "You seem cool. Pretty chill. There's some stuff I'd like to try when there's no pressure. And I might still not really like any of it. But... I'll definitely make you cum, at least."
"That's a hell of an offer."
"Good enough for you?"
"I'll try very hard not to get my hopes up for anything more."
"Probably wise."
I wasn't convinced Brendan could stick to his promise. He already looked so awed even as I first knelt in front of him. So thrilled by what was happening. Maybe I'd misjudged and he had a serious thing for me already. But if that was the case, he'd behaved himself really well so far. That counted for a lot.
Right off the bat I enjoyed playing with Brendan's cock more than any of my previous experiences, few as they were. It was my decision. Not coerced. And I was pretty sure if I backed out, he'd be chill about it. Disappointed, sure, but not angry or annoyed.
"You're dripping some."
Brendan flushed rather cutely. "Yeah, that happens."
"'Cause of porn?"
"Sometimes. Some of these vids are pretty hot."
"What about on your own? When you pick what you watch?"
"Yeah. Sometimes then too."
"Huh. So it's nothing to do with me?"
"No, it's, uh, it's definitely about you right now."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Shit, I don't know if you want to hear this, but you look pretty fucking fantastic like that."
"On my knees?"
"Partly? Like, I don't know, bottomless. On your knees, yeah. And, like, looking at me all fascinated like that. And touching me."
I gripped Brendan's cock tighter, getting an adorable little exhaled sigh from him. "That's what does it for you?"
"Those are all pretty good things, sure. Plus... plus it's you. You're very easy to crush on."
I tilted my head. "Are you crushing on me?"
"Kinda? Maybe? I've never masturbated with girls like I have with you and Lily. It's... it's hard not to look. To be interested."
"In me? Or in both of us?"
"... is it bad if it's both of you?"
"No. It's better that way. This isn't about hooking up or anything, right?"
"Uh... sure?"
"So it's better if it's not just me anyway."
I started sucking Brendan before I chickened out. I didn't know what I was doing, really, except for what I'd learned watching porn, and my experience coaxing out cum with handjobs.
I didn't hate it. It wasn't directly stimulating, but there was an appeal to it. It was a fairly intimate feeling. Taking a boy in my mouth.
He loved it. I could tell that easily enough. Guys were easy enough to please by just paying any attention at all to their penises. Until they wanted more. But initially, yeah, that tended to do the trick. It was working for me, at any rate.
At least I was getting more out of it than I usually did. I felt far more in control. I'd initiated, and not through any sort of pressure I was feeling to perform or conform. It was my own choice. I could take my time, find out how I felt, and have that knowledge and experience all safely tucked away.
Brendan felt kind of weird in my mouth, but not in an unpleasant way. Just... weird. New. Different.
The more I sucked, the deeper and longer I bobbed my head up and down and caressed his shaft with my lips, the more I got into it too. I could almost say for certain that I was enjoying myself.
There was a power to it. To being in control. To making him feel good on my terms. And, of course, I was learning. I was getting a taste, so to speak.
There was an actual flavour, I found. A very subtle one to his cock itself, and a somewhat more prominent taste to his precum. I was familiar with precum, having had it over my fingers. But to taste it on my tongue was something else entirely. And I could play with it if I wanted. I'd never felt comfortable enough before to just stop and run it through my fingers, or give little licks and contemplate it in my mouth.
So much of the moment was really very nice. I didn't feel vaguely horrible about myself, which I realized I probably always had before, even if I'd tried to fight it.
"Kase?"
I looked up, startled. Brendan had been quiet for a while, other than the little moans and sighs I teased out of him. It made no sense, but I'd somehow almost forgotten he was there.
"Yeah?"
"You're gonna make me cum."
"Oh. Right."
"Is that ok?"
"That's largely the idea."
"Oh. Sure. Ok."
"How close are you?"
"Pretty close."
"Where..." I blushed. "Where do you want to do it?"
"Oh, uh, I just thought... is in your mouth ok?"
I nodded, feeling a warmth in me that really hadn't been present the whole time. Maybe it had been there in some small form, never really making itself properly know. Something about the way Brendan was looking at me now, and the way I was forced to acknowledge what we were doing, it kind of worked for me. Got me excited.
"That's fine," I said.
"And... and could you look at me?"
"Look at you?"
"Sorry. I mean, whatever you want. I just... I like when you do."
More warmth. More tingles.
"Ok," I said quietly.
I sucked Brendan harder, keeping my hand low on his shaft and squeezing some. I flicked my eyes up at him in semi-regular intervals. Had I been doing that? At first maybe I had. Then I'd gotten so focused on just his dick.
He liked it though? Why did that do things to me? I liked it, whatever it was. I liked that he liked it.
Brendan's cumshot was hot in my mouth. The flavour stronger than his precum. Way stronger. Not one that I immediately loved, but I didn't hate it. And it was so weirdly hot taking it all in while doing my best to stare up at him. He was staring right back so damn intently, until finally he shut his eyes and rolled his head back with a satisfied groan.
I took my cue to pull off his cock. I still had a good mouthful of cum. I debated what to do with it at first. Any other time, it would have been a rush to the sink to spit it out. With Brendan, in the moment, I went for it and just swallowed.
He gave an extra groan like I'd done something hot. Maybe I had. My hand was, admittedly, sneaking down to my pussy even while I sat back on my heels right in front of him.
It was easily the clearest view of me masturbating Brendan had yet received. I didn't mind. He looked, but it wasn't even a pervy kind of look. It was a look of appreciation. He liked what he saw, but didn't need to make anything of it. He was sated for the moment. And, probably, he would have been respectful enough not to ruin it for me even if he'd still been horny.
Whatever the case, I came on my knees in front of a boy while his cum still lingering on my lips, tongue, and throat. It was hot, embarrassing, mildly slutty, and just so damn good.
****
"I sucked Brendan off."
Lily looked at me, shocked just for a second or two, then grinning wickedly. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Good for you."
"Thanks."
"How'd that happen?"
"I... I wanted to try it. And I did. He was accommodating."
Lily snorted. "Bet he was. How was it?"
"I think I kinda liked it. I'm still not quite sure why, but I've got some thoughts. I think I gotta do it some more."
"You should."
"You support me, huh?"
"Well duh. This is probably the healthiest sexual thing I've ever heard about from you."
"Sucking some dude off?"
"No, Kase. Not some dude. A dude you and I both know pretty well. Well enough, anyway. Someone you're comfortable with. Someone who presumably isn't going to be a total shit about it."
"He's been pretty good. He's hinted he'd be up for it again. I think he's really hoping it's gonna happen more. But he's been good."
"Good. If he ever isn't... I'll set him right."
I giggled. "I bet you would too."
"I got your back, you know."
"Mmhm. And I definitely appreciate it."
"Do you think you're gonna... be a thing?"
I shook my head, feeling heat rise to my cheeks. "No, I don't think so. Nothing like that. I mean... probably not."
"Ooh, but not definitely not?"
"It... it wouldn't be fair. Even if I wanted to. I couldn't promise that it'd be anything real. Not with me. You know how I am."
"Babe, no one can ever promise that a relationship is gonna work out. I know how you are. Brendan's got an idea too, remember, and he still likes you."
"He does?"
"As a friend, I mean. He'd probably go for more. I could see it. I'm just saying. He comes to our little incest nights. He's as bad as we are."
"Maybe not quite as bad."
"No. Maybe not quite."
"We'll see how it goes."
"All anyone can do."
****
Brendan was pretty dang accommodating, really. He seemed to be good with the level I wanted. It probably helped tremendously that what I wanted was to make him cum a couple times a week. It was a pretty alright deal for him.
It got better when I finally worked up the nerve to ask if he could pretend I was his sister. I'd already started pretending he was my brother while I sucked him off. Not Xander, but just some nebulous bonus brother. I didn't mention that, but he might have been able to guess.
Brendan wasn't sure what to do with the request at first, but it didn't bother him. It just took some time to figure out how comfortable he was with the pretense, and how to make it work. Once we got into a bit of a flow, it made things so much better.
"What are you doing?"
I grinned up at Brendan as I knelt in front of him. I was getting so comfortable doing it. It wasn't even something I second guessed anymore.
"You're hard."
"We can't do it out here. We'll get caught."
I almost exclusively sucked Brendan off while having porn nights, out on the couch. I'd tried in his room, but I just didn't like it quite as much in there. I wasn't sure why. Privacy should have been more important to me. But, too, it was a somewhat more intimate and personal setting, and I maybe didn't want that.
"Mom and Dad are out," I said, getting into the pretense while scooting Brendan's boxers down. His pants were already off.
Brendan took a moment, then shrugged and decided to play along. "They could come home."
"Nah."
"And Lily's still here."
I started stroking his cock, rubbing my thumb over the head to pick up any initial precum. I wasn't sure if Lily was meant to be our sister in the scenario. In my head, she definitely was.
"She won't mind."
"She might tell."
"She won't." I licked Brendan's cock, just a bare flick of my tongue, but I knew what he liked and it made him so weak and compliant for such very little effort. "Don't you want your blowjob, bruh-ther?"
"Unf."
Lily padded in, spoiling the buildup slightly as we weren't quite far enough in for my taste. She'd witnessed our blowjob sessions a couple times already, so that wasn't an issue, but I hadn't yet told her about the incest fantasy. Not that it could possibly surprise her.
"Again?" Lily asked. "You're really starting to make me doubt previous claims regarding your libido."
I tried to ignore her and took Brendan deeper in my mouth. He was blushing cutely, but still liked when I looked up at him while taking his cock. He wasn't fully used to Lily watching, but clearly was willing to make a lot of little sacrifices for the sake of semi-regular blowjobs.
"You're gonna make me want to get in on that if you keep it up," Lily grumbled settling down for some bottomless self-love, as was her wont.
I kept my eyes fully on Brendan as I pulled my lips back, leaving a soft trail of spit halfway down his cock. "Ooh, you kinda twitched at that," I said.
Brendan frantically waved like he wanted me to shut up, but it was too late.
Lily snorted. "Of course he did."
"It's like he wants both his sis-ters sucking on him."
Brendan groaned and covered his face. Lily looked at me.
"Oh really? Is that the game you're playing?"
"What did you expect from me?"
"How'd I get roped in?"
"You just said-"
"I wasn't serious."
"So just watch then."
"Yeah. Already am, thanks, since you two literally won't get a room."
I squirmed a little, partly for the game, and partly for actual arousal. It was still a novelty for me, getting wet while messing around with a boy.
"You won't tell, will you?" I said shyly.
"... what?"
"Mom and Dad. You won't-"
Lily groaned and lashed out with her foot, just barely catching my shoulder hard enough to be a rebuke. "Stop!"
"I'm sorry I'm a bad sister. I can't help-"
Lily giggled and kicked me again. "Stop. Seriously."
"She won't," Brendan mumbled.
"And you put up with it?"
"Well... yeah."
"Oh. Right. The sucking you off thing. Fair enough, I guess."
My cheeks burned. They weren't playing along, but it was still kind of ok. It wasn't quite what I wanted from my games, but it was good in its own way.
Behind the teasing and exasperation was a tacit acceptance of my kink. Neither was bothered by it. Possibly my insistence on doing stuff less privately than it could be was a very slight issue, and dragging them both into said kink, but I wasn't being rejected for any of it. Just teased some.
Teased was ok. I could live with it.
Lily still rubbed herself. She was watching the porn we had playing, but also keeping an eye on Brendan and me.
I really, really wanted to know if any of her masturbating was over us. Over me in particular. Probably not, right? But maybe. She'd had a bit of a thing for me at one time, and it was possible that hadn't gone away entirely.
Did I want her to still have a thing for me? Not really. Nothing major. But maybe... maybe a little something, possibly.
I was getting so bad. I felt like an entirely different person than even a year or two ago. I remembered the feeling of trying desperately to like someone, or to enjoy being liked, or anything at all.
Probably I still wasn't there yet. Not quite in a 'normal' place when it came to sexuality and romance. But it was something. Something other than Xander, which was important.
I made Brendan cum while Lily was right there watching. In fact, I made him cum on my face. It made a better visual than in my mouth, and both were pretty visceral for me anyway. With an audience, the facial was better, unless I wanted to be super obvious and open my mouth to show off a cummy tongue, which I didn't really.
I'd learned plenty of things from porn, but I didn't always want to emulate them. Just sometimes. When it felt right.
I feigned indignation, even though I'd been the one to make Brendan blow his load.
"Not on my face! Bad brother!"
"I didn't... I thought you were gonna... swallow."
"Of course I was. Can't leave messes for Mom and Dad to find. Then you go and cover your little sister like that." I shook my head in mock despair. "So bad."
"Your acting's even worse than some of these videos," Lily remarked without malice.
"Shut up!"
"It is."
"He came on my face!"
"Yeah. I watched you jerking him off onto you. And you're still just sitting there all messy. You think we can't see you playing with yourself?"
I was, indeed, rubbing myself. It wasn't quite doing it for me. I needed... something. I was trying to keep some kind of roleplay going, but it wasn't working.
Jeez. I needed a 'brother' to apologize for cumming on me. Or maybe just to tell me I looked cute like that. Something.
Brendan was very little help immediately post-cumming. He wasn't hardly horny at all in the aftermath. Lily was actively unhelpful.
What I wouldn't give for Xander to walk in and see me like that. And maybe do... things to me.
Things? Like what? I was over him. Sort of. Not really. Better than I used to be.
But I needed something more than desperately trying to imagine I'd been cummed on by my brother. It wasn't enough.
I sat on the couch next to Lily and tried to rub myself to incest porn, the way that we'd made a bit of a tradition for us. Even with my messed face, it wasn't enough. If anything, the cum seemed to make it trickier for me. It was kind of hot, but in a distracting way. I just didn't know what was up with that.
If I got too frustrated, there was always my magic wand. I only used it tactically, but there was a possibility I should put it into a heavier rotation. It could get me off when nothing else could. Super powered vibrations truly were a magic all their own.
In the meantime, I just kept trying. A cummy face and a boy willing to pretend to be my brother really should be worth more when trying to orgasm. They really, really should.
****
I dreaded the dinner with Xander, Beth, and our parents. I had an inkling I was going to hate it. I wasn't sure why. There was just that sense.
And, indeed, Beth started talking about 'plans'. Wedding plans. Not in direct terms, but gushing over ideas for dates and locales and all that crap. It was miserable.
I went outside after supper to take a 'smoke break.' There was no smoking involved, it was just what it felt like. It was better than thinking of it as an 'avoid a breakdown in front of your family' break. It had to be.
"You're hiding," Xander said.
I smiled, not turning around. I was secretly ecstatic that he'd bothered to come find me, but I also wasn't sure I was ready to talk.
"Thought I might take up smoking. I'm getting practice in standing outside by myself. It'll come in useful, I think."
"Oh. So you're not out here sulking then?"
"Why ever would I be sulking?"
"Beth wants to set a date."
"So I hear."
"How much do you hate it?"
"I'm... I'm happy for you."
"Kase?"
"Oh god I hate it. I hate it so much."
"Yeah. I figured."
Xander leaned against the rail next to me, both of us staring out over a dark lawn in the late evening moonlight.
"I wish I could hate her more," I said.
"You don't hate her?"
"Not as much as... not like I used to. With your girls. Beth honestly probably is the best of them."
"Well... thanks?"
"I don't want you marrying her though."
"Yeah. Me either right now. She says we can wait a while for it. She just wants... I don't know. A timeline? Commitment?"
"You're pretty committed."
"I thought so. Needs to be 'official' or something I guess."
"Uh huh."
"It feels like a lot."
"Does it?"
"Yeah. I don't know. Maybe that's silly. Lots of people are married with kids at my age already."
"And lots of them are miserable about it."
"That's true. I forget that sometimes."
"Divorce rates are high for a reason. Nevermind the amount of people suffering through the rest of their lives with someone they never would have married if they'd been a little more clever."
"Also true. Do you think that's what I'm doing?"
"You're not married yet, are you?"
"No, but... but I can see it coming. She wants it."
"And what do you want?"
"I don't know. That's what makes it so hard. I like living with Beth. I really do."
"Do you love her?"
There was a hesitation. Just enough to keep me from dying entirely.
"Yes."
"Yes. Good. Well that's fine then. I'm sure it'll work out."
"Don't be shitty."
"What do you want me to be? You know I don't want you to be with her."
"You said you don't hate her."
"I mostly don't. If she makes you happy... you should be with her." I turned my head and looked fully at Xander. "Promise me you won't let her trap you. If she doesn't make you happy anymore, don't stay with her."
"What if it's not that simple?"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"It just isn't always simple."
"It can be. Every couple weeks maybe just think if you're happy where you are. When you think about getting married for real, think harder about it. Don't do it if you're not sure. Simple."
"It's not!"
"Sure it is. If you're worried about losing out on sex, dump her and come over to see me. You can-"
"Don't finish that sentence."
"Xan, I'm doing way better without you than I thought, but if you ever need anything at all from me-"
"Kase, I'm not using my sister to... to..."
"As a cum dump?"
"Come on!"
"What? I watch a lot of porn these days. I know some filthy things."
"Probably watch more than I do."
"No doubt. You got a girlfriend holding back your corruption. I don't."
"You don't need to be crude."
I shrugged. "Just saying. If you needed something 'crude' to get you through at some point, I'm here."
"If anything was ever gonna happen, and it's not, I don't want it to be like that. That just feels like a horrible thing to do someone. Let alone you."
"I volunteered. I can make my own decisions."
"You'd really be ok if I came over and just... oh god, no, I can't even say it."
"Prude."
"I think I miss the days when you didn't even know incest porn was a thing."
"I don't. It's the only thing that gets me even kind of horny. Even if it's only a poor substitute for something real."
"You ever think that maybe you've built up too much of a fantasy? If I ever did stuff with you, and especially if it was only for my own gratification, that maybe you'd feel horrible after? That maybe the fantasy of it would be ruined, and you'd discover you never really wanted it?"
"Probably be best to find that out and get over it, don't ya think?"
Xander snorted. "You've got an answer for everything, don't you?"
"I spend a lot more time thinking about it than you."
"That's true."
We stood in silence a long moment. I didn't mind the quiet. I kind of wished I was brave enough to scoot closer to Xander and press against him, if only for a moment, just to feel him. I didn't get that contact very often these days, outside of hugs.
"We should head back," Xander said. "Before anyone comes looking. Beth and Mom are gushing so hard to each other they might not have noticed. But someone will sooner or later."
"Oh. Yeah. I guess."
Xander was already turning to go in. Impulsively, I dove against him, wrapping my arms tight around him, going for the biggest, comfiest hug I possibly could.
He felt like he might resist at first, then his arms were around me too, holding me close, taking comfort in me just as much as I was in him.
The hug didn't last as long as I would have liked, but it was enough to get me through the rest of the evening.
****
Chapter Six: Kasey at Twenty-Three
****
I went out shopping with Mom. There wasn't any particular need for us to shop together, but it was a nice little ritual at times that kept us closer than we otherwise would have been.
Plus, purely pragmatically, it meant Mom sometimes bought me stuff I needed, or at least could drive it to my place for me. I really needed to get a car of my own one of these days.
Somehow the subject of Xander came up. Not that it was all that unusual. He was a big part of what Mom and I had in common, and was a pretty big deal in both our lives.
"I think they're going to set a date soon," Mom said.
"Hm?"
"Xander and Beth."
"Oh. For a wedding?"
"Yes. Obviously that."
I shook my head dismissively. "Nah. Don't think so."
"Why do you say that?"
"Xan doesn't really want to."
Mom sighed. "Kasey..."
"What?"
"You know it's happening."
"Not necessarily."
"And here I thought you were over this."
"Over what?"
"This... possessiveness. Xander needs to do his own thing."
"Yeah, I know. I'm not being possessive. He really doesn't want to be married right now." I shrugged. "Nothing to do with me."
"They've been together a while now. They're engaged. They love each other."
"Sure."
"So why wouldn't they get married?"
"Dunno. She's not right for him, I guess. Or maybe he's just not interested in marriage at all. I can't know everything that's in his mind."
"Are you sure it's not just wishful thinking?"
"Pretty sure."
"And this isn't another one of those things where you don't like your brother's girlfriends for no reason?"
"There's always been reasons. Not always good ones." I kept walking, making Mom have to keep up with me. "I like Beth, as far as these things go. I mean, I don't. But I do. She's ok. Xan should have someone better than just ok, though."
"That's... true. Sort of. There's nothing wrong with Beth, though."
"I know."
"So... so..."
"Why are you having this conversation with me anyway? Shouldn't you be talking to Xan? Asking him how he feels?"
Mom sighed. "He won't talk to me. Not about anything like that."
"Oh."
"He'll talk to you. Can you ask him?"
"Ask him if he's setting a date? Nope."
"No?"
"No. Obviously not. Even if he was going to, soon or in a while or whatever, you can't just be asking people that stuff. Puts all this pressure on."
"Hm. True."
"Why are you so desperate anyway? It'll happen if it happens."
"I'm not getting any younger, you know."
"Oh whatever. You're not hardly an old lady yet."
"... I miss you both, ok?"
"I'm literally right here."
"Not like that. Like... when you were littler. When you needed me. When we had our family all together."
"People grow up, Mom."
"I know. And I think I've been feeling that more lately."
I contemplated. "So really... you want grandkids?"
"Is that too much to ask?"
"I dunno. Maybe. What's that got to do with a wedding?"
"Well... that's how these things go."
"Sometimes."
"Right. Sometimes."
"I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here, Mom. Do you even know if Xan wants kids?"
"He won't really tell me stuff like that either."
I laughed softly. "You're not doing well at getting all his secrets, huh?"
"He never really was much of a sharer. Not with me."
"Not with most people," I said, feeling a small warmth at knowing I was Xander's most likely confidante for deeper stuff.
"No. Maybe not. I could ask Beth. She might tell me."
"Who's to say she knows?"
"Who would, if she doesn't?" Mom narrowed her gaze at me. "Do you know?"
"Never came up."
"Uh huh."
"Really. It never has."
"Ok then."
We kept walking, heading toward checkout. I'd been too distracted to look at much, but Mom had what she came for, so it wasn't a total disaster.
"You know I'm probably not having kids," I said.
"I... guessed that."
"Ah."
"Is that horrible of me?"
"Can't see how. It's accurate."
"I don't mind, you know. I want you and Xander both to do what makes you happy."
"I'll let you know if I ever figure that one out."
"Just... I'd so like to have grandkids. Even if they'd make me feel ancient."
"Hm... thought of getting a puppy?"
"That's not the same, dear."
"Arguably better, though. Much more trainable. And people don't look at you funny when you put them on leashes."
"You're not as funny as you think you are."
"Just saying."
"Mmhm. You want anything before we leave?"
"Nah, I'm good. We could maybe look at some clothes after, though? There's a good store pretty close."
"Your wardrobe getting sparse again?"
"Maybe. It happens."
"Well... I suppose as long as I'm not getting grandkids, I might as well dote on my children some more."
"That's the spirit! Love you, Mom."
"I wish you wouldn't only say that when you're getting something you want."
"But that's when it's most true."
"Still not as funny as you think you are."
I just grinned.
****
"Mom thinks you're setting a date."
Xander sighed and fidgeted with his coffee. "Yeah."
"Don't sound so excited."
"Dude, I'm not ready."
"I know that. How come Beth doesn't?"
"I don't know! I've told her. But... I don't know. Maybe once it happens-"
"Idiot."
"Hey!"
"You don't want it."
"It's not that simple."
"It is."
"It isn't. I don't want to lose her."
"Yeah? Why? Sex that good, is it?"
"You of all people should know it's not that." Xander hesitated. "Well, mostly not that."
"Uh huh. Xan, can I ask you something?"
"When have you ever not?"
"Is Beth the only one you've ever had sex with?"
"Oh wow."
"Is she?"
"None of your business. But no. Just... the only one where it's been more than once."
"Ah. That's it, then."
"It's really not."
"It is. It's about sex."
"You're infuriating. You don't even like sex."
"I might once I tried it. Maybe I should with Brendan."
"Yeah?"
"I dunno. Been toying with it. Might as well, right? He's the least obnoxious boy who I've ever kind of had a thing with."
"That's not a great way of making the decision."
"You're getting married to the first girl who wanted to sleep with you repeatedly. Don't talk to me about bad decisions."
"You're getting borderline mean there Kase."
"Sorry. You're right." I shrank back in my seat some. "I'm all jittery over it. I see myself having to be there. Watch you get married. It hurts. Even as best as I can let you go... I don't know if I could do it."
"No good lashing out at me about it."
"Some good, actually. It's your call. You're the one doing it."
"Not yet."
"Slowly but surely, Xan. She's got you wrapped around her little finger."
"Doesn't."
"Absolutely does."
"... does she?"
"Yep."
"Fuck."
"Mmhm."
"I don't like it. That's not how it's supposed to be."
"You have the power to change things."
"I don't know that I do. We're moved in together and everything."
"Sure are."
"And I don't want to lose her."
"So you keep saying."
"This sucks."
"Yup."
"Why is life so hard?"
"Pff, you're asking me?"
"Thought you might have figured it out by now."
"I'll let you know if I do."
****
I still had nervous energy to burn off. I couldn't stop thinking about the terror of having to go to my brother's wedding. Probably, god forbid, be part of the wedding party.
Bridesmaid? Probably. Ugh. Have to be next to Beth instead of Xander, even. Just the worst. It would have been so much easier sometimes if I could just hate her properly.
I released some of my tension by going after Brendan even harder. More blowjobs, more pretending he was a second brother, more showing off while Lily was around.
It was, for me, fairly slutty. I recognized that it wasn't really. Not enough that probably anyone would actually label me that way. But it was definitely the most wanton I'd been in my life. Not that it was much of a contest.
I went even further than that one night. A little sister blowjob and facial, followed by my usual rubbing one out, just wasn't enough. I still needed something. So I did all I could think of to do.
I pattered softly into Brendan's room that night. My face was all scrubbed clean, no traces of cum left. I wore only panties still damp from playing with myself and one of his shirts that came down low enough to mostly cover said panties. It was what a horny little sister would wear, I figured. And even if it wasn't, it would probably work for him, right?
"Brendan?"
"Hm? Kasey?"
"Yeah. It's me."
"What's up?"
I got closer in the dark, feeling my way carefully to the edge of his bed. "Do you think it'd be ok if I slept with you?"
"Um..."
"I just mean sleep. Nothing else."
"Oh. That's... I don't know."
"You can feel me up some if you want. I don't mind."
"God, Kase..."
I crawled in, forcing Brendan to move over and make space. He hadn't rejected me yet. Not fully. I could sense it might be coming though. I really wasn't sure what I'd do then.
"I can suck you off again too, if that helps."
"No, I'm good, thanks." Brendan let me snuggle under the covers. "This is more brother stuff, isn't it?"
"Yeah."
"I don't know that I can handle being... whatever I am to you. Not forever."
I lay still. "Kinda shitty of me, isn't it?"
"No. I wouldn't say that."
"We can do more stuff if you want. What do you fantasize about doing with me?"
"Arrggh. Don't do that to me."
"I mean it. I don't mind. You've been good to me. I can be good to you."
"See, that. That's been bugging me. You don't actually want a relationship with me, right?"
"I don't think I know how."
"We could figure it out if you wanted. But I don't think you do."
My chest was getting all tense. I regretted crawling under the covers already. It made things that much more awkward.
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine. I knew what this was. I just... I don't think I can keep doing it if there's not, like, something emotional going on. Something more than you pretending to be my sister. It's kinda hot, but... it's not real."
"Shit. Yeah. I know." I sighed heavily. "You know what sucks?"
"What?"
"The fact that you don't even want to take advantage of me makes me kinda wish you would."
"That's horrible."
"It is, isn't it?" I shrugged as I sat up and swung my feet back out of bed. "Let it never be said that I know how to handle relationships in an emotionally healthy way."
"Kasey... you can stay for tonight if you want. If it's just sleeping."
I smiled sadly and shook my head. "Thanks, but I can't now. I appreciate you being decent, Brendan. I'll try not to make things weird."
"You got to be pretty good at blowjobs, you know."
I laughed in an awkward, stilted way. I was caught unprepared for finding anything funny.
"Thanks. I try."
"Kasey?"
"I'm tryin' to leave you be, you know."
"I know. Just... do you really have a thing for your brother?"
"How gross do you think it is if I do?"
"I think it explains a lot. That's all."
"Well... I do. Xan was my first crush. And somehow, maybe, still my only one."
"Ah."
"It sucks. I don't recommend it."
"It hasn't gone away at all?"
"Not the way you'd hope. I dunno. You were the closest to ever pushing me into something more normal, but I don't wanna lie and pretend like I would have been able to love you properly. I don't know that I can with anyone. Even with Xan. If he'd ever loved me back like that... shit, I mighta just fucked that up too. Maybe it's better to stay a fantasy. Maybe I'm broken, and that's as good as it gets."
"I don't think you're broken."
"I am. It's only a question of how badly. And whether I can maybe be put back together. I mean, I'm already more whole than I ever was. You helped some."
"Oh. Well... good."
"Mmhm. Night, Brendan. Thanks for everything."
"Oh sure."
I stepped quickly out the door and shut it behind me, leaving Brendan alone. In the aftermath, I felt kind of stupid for ever trying.
It wasn't stupid. It was good. We were on the same page, basically. It sucked losing what we had. And I could have kept it going if I'd been more restrained. But maybe it was better that it didn't go any longer. Maybe getting everything out of it that I had was good enough.
It didn't really help in the moment. I'd tried to hold it together in front of Brendan. Not let him see the hurt in me.
Because it did hurt. It was good. It was adult. It was responsible. Nothing bad had happened. I didn't blame either of us. It was the way things had to be.
But goddamn it hurt. It was a rejection. It was the closest thing to a relationship I felt like I'd ever been in. And it was over. Probably. Definitely? No. Probably.
I went to Lily. I didn't know what else to do.
With her, I didn't ask. I'd never slept with her before, but asking just felt like I'd open myself up to double rejection, and that was too much for my poor heart this night.
Lily had been asleep already, but I woke her up trying to sneak into bed with her. I only knew I had because once I'd settled, she rolled toward me and put an arm around me.
"What happened?" she whispered.
"I fucked up. No. I didn't, actually. Kinda I did. I don't know. But Brendan and I are done."
"Ah. Fuck, dude."
"Yeah."
Lily squeezed me tighter. "That sucks. He was good for you, I think."
"I think so too. But I could never give him what he deserved."
"You don't know that."
"I do. I wasn't going to love him. Not the way he should be."
"Maybe not. But you know that's kinda the point of relationships. You chill for a while and see if love happens. Forcing it or needing to already be there, that's missing the point."
"... you think I should have tried?"
"I really don't know. I'm just saying if you never really try, you'll never really know."
"Huh. Maybe. Yeah. I guess."
"Sleep on it, ok? Whatever happened with you two, I'm sure if you want to talk again in the morning Brendan will listen. He's a good guy."
"He really is. Better than I deserve, probably."
"You stop that. Don't be mean to yourself just 'cause you're feeling bad."
"Sorry."
"Go to sleep. You'll feel better tomorrow."
"Ok."
It took me a while. Lily was back to sleep long before I was. But being next to her, feeling her comforting presence, listening to her breathing, it helped. It allowed to me to calm down and eventually join her in slumber.
****
"So, uh, we're setting a date."
I clenched my fist so tight it hurt, but under the table so it didn't show. "Of course you are."
"I pushed it to next spring. I said spring weddings seem like the best. Beth went for it."
"Uh huh."
"She... she'd like you to be a bridesmaid."
The knot inside me squeezed tighter. "I can't."
"I mean... it's not that big a thing. Just gotta show up for a few things. Get some pictures."
"Look happy?"
"Well... ideally, yeah."
"Xan, you know I can't."
"It's most of a year away. Maybe it'll be ok by then?"
"It won't."
"Oh."
"I can live with you getting married. That's fine. But it's gonna make me sick just being there, let alone being part of it."
Xander sighed. "You know, at some point you're gonna have to get over this whole thing."
"Fuck you."
"Kase-"
"No, seriously. You think I haven't tried? You know I've tried. You don't take me seriously, I get that."
"I do."
"You don't. You'd think it would have been long enough now that you'd get it. But you don't. It's just something silly to you. Like I'll grow out of it. I'm fucking broken, Xan. Always have been. I can't just, like, be normal. I can't do it. I'm all fucked up."
"No, Kase. You think I don't take you seriously? I do. I just don't see you the way you do. I don't think you're broken. You never have been."
"Twenty-three and never had a real, functional relationship. What do you call that?"
"If you think everyone's running around having functional relationships, that might be your problem. Hardly anyone does."
"Who are you kidding? Everyone's always finding someone they like. Everyone. You do it lots. Or you did, before Beth."
Xander snorted. "Nah, Kase. Why do you think I've stayed with Beth so long? The other girls I was with... those relationships would not have been healthy to stay in."
"You seemed fine with them at the time."
"Yeah. For a time. You see people getting in all these relationships and think they've got it figured out? They bounce between people specifically because they don't have it figured out. They're trying desperately to be happy. To find someone who makes them happy. And it's not working. They aren't winning the race. They're still trying to find which direction to run in."
I sat back, stunned at the torrent of words flooding from Xander's mouth and the sheer intensity of them.
"You go in so pessimistic," Xander continued. "I've seen it. And that's not great. But honestly, it doesn't put you any further behind anyone else, really. Going in thinking you've found the one when you haven't isn't better than going in assuming it's all doomed to failure. Neither's good, don't get me wrong, but you're not in such a bad place."
"But aren't... aren't they, like, going in with a chance, though? A chance at being normal. I don't even have that."
"Maybe it'll work out if you find the right guy. Who's to say?"
"There only ever was one. And he's getting married."
"You haven't met even a decent fraction of the guys out there, Kase."
"Yeah. Obviously. No one can. You can only meet who you can meet. Only so much you can do." I sighed miserably. "This idea of there being 'the one' out there never made sense. Like how are you gonna find them in a billion other people? It's an even more cruel joke for me 'cause I did, and he's my brother. And it's bad and stupid and I'm surprised you still put up with it, really."
"Don't say that."
"Well really, though."
"I need you in my life. I've got no one else to tell all this fucked up stuff about me. And it matters more than you know that whatever else happens, you care about me."
"But... you're not broken. You're all normal and all like 'can't fuck my sister, durrrr.'"
"Why'd you give me a stupid voice? That's a perfectly sensible thing to say."
"Maybe it shouldn't be, ever think of that? You say people are being all dumb and shit and have no idea which way to run? Maybe they shouldn't be so uptight about who's right for them."
"So just... boink your sib if it feels right?"
"Why not?"
"I really don't think I have a sufficient grasp of philosophy to delve too deeply into that one."
"Well if you figure it out, get back to me. In the meantime, I think I got somewhere I need to be."
"You think?"
I stood up and stretched, trying to release some lingering tension. "Yeah. I think. It may all go horribly. But on the other hand, probably can't make it any worse."
"... you've got me intrigued, but I have the feeling you're not gonna tell me what this is about."
"Correct." I hugged Xander tight. Despite having my mind basically made up, I still needed to feel him for a moment. To take comfort in him the way I just couldn't seem to grow out of. "Congratulations on getting married. Tell Beth I'll be her stupid bridesmaid, ok?"
"Really?"
"Yeah. Serve her right when I throw up during the ceremony."
Xander snorted, then giggled at the absurdity. "I hope we get pictures."
"I'm sure we will. Bribe the photographer if you have to."
"Will do. Love you."
"Mmm. Love you too."
****
Brendan was perfectly chill, just hanging out at home. A perfect foil to the bundle of nerves that I was.
I didn't know what else to do other than just launch into it.
"Do you wanna go out sometime?"
Brendan tilted his head curiously. "What?"
"Go out. With me. Date. Do you want to try a date?"
"I... didn't we... did I miss something?"
"Of course you did, but that's not important." I pushed my hair back, stalling for a few precious seconds. "Look, part of our problem was we didn't do things in any kind of normal way, yeah? So... do you want to try being normal? Just go on a normal-ass date?"
"Maybe?"
"Oof."
"No, like, I don't get it. I thought you didn't like me that way."
"That's what dating's for. To maybe find out. No blowjobs. No brother stuff. No sneaking into bed. Just... just a date."
"... maybe there could be some blowjobs?"
I grinned cautiously. "Have to play your cards right for that, boyo."
Brendan grinned back. "Say Saturday?"
"See you then."
I walked way quickly so as not to show how fluttery I went all of a sudden. Maybe this was a terrible idea, but it felt kind of exciting. Not necessarily in a good way, but maybe. Hopefully.
****
Chapter Seven: Kasey at Twenty-Four
****
I'd never realized how good it felt just holding hands. It wasn't something I'd had many opportunities for. I was pretty sure Xander and I had held hands in our younger days, back when it didn't really mean anything. Evidently that either had a lingering effect on me, or it was just something I naturally liked and had forgotten about.
Brendan found it all very adorable. At times, though, it probably drove him a bit crazy.
I liked the hand holding, the cuddling, the caressing, the lying together and whispering all sweetly. He must have missed the blowjob sister phase at times. He was happier being normal, sure, but I could tell there was an undercurrent of horniness in him at times that I didn't really feel.
Sometimes I did. Sometimes I was as happy to play with his dick as he was to have me getting him off. Other times I only really did it because he wanted it. And still other times I strictly ignored his hints because I just wasn't in the mood. But at least I felt like I didn't have to be in the mood all the time. That it wasn't a failing in me. That was progress, probably.
But perhaps it wasn't enough.
"Hey, Kase?"
I lay next to Brendan, only slightly more clothed than him. The taste of his cum fresh on my tongue. Directly after a blowjob wasn't when I usually expected anything too serious, but there was something in his tone...
"Yeah?"
"How come you never want me to do you?"
"What you mean?"
"You know what I mean."
"I don't."
Brendan sighed. "Like... licking you. Fingering you. Anything."
I shrugged. "Not that big a deal."
"It kinda is. I want to make you feel good, you know. It doesn't always have to be one way."
"It's not. I like making you cum."
"Sure. But I like making you cum too. And... and I know maybe I'm not great at it..."
"It's not you. I only cum easy with certain things. My magic wand will usually do it. Or just the right porn. Otherwise, it doesn't really happen much."
"Yeah, but, like, I need practice, don't I? Or I won't get better."
"True, I guess."
"But it's like you don't want me to."
"It's unnecessary, is all."
"Disagree. But, uh, that kinda brings me to something else."
"What?"
"Sex."
"Oh."
"I didn't want to push anything-"
"I just made you cum, didn't I?"
"Yeah. And that's great. But Kasey, I really like you. Really, really like you. It's not about cumming."
"It's not?"
"No. It's like... like... it's more special, I guess. I don't know. It means something. And maybe it kinda means something if it never happens, but in a worse way."
I felt a small tingle in me. Something more than cumming. That I could work with.
I thought back to my stories. The ones that had initially opened up my world. They'd all been brothers and sisters, sure, but beyond that, I only really wanted to see them fucking if it was more than that. If it was, as Brendan said, special.
"How special would it be?" I asked tentatively.
"What?"
"How special?"
"I dunno. A lot?"
"Brendan!"
"What?"
"I'm serious. How special?"
"Kase... fuck. Like, ok, sometimes I think about doing it with you and... and it just feels so right. Like it kinda hurts to think about, but in a good way. An ache. Like a longing or something."
I tingled harder inside. "Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"That's pretty special."
"I guess."
"You know I haven't done it before."
"I assumed."
"Is that ok?"
"Yeah. Of course."
I could see Brendan getting excited. I was, admittedly, pretty excited too. Maybe we should just do it. See what happened. It'd be special, right? We'd been together a while. I liked Brendan. Maybe not quite as much as he liked me, but it wasn't all that far off. Not enough to be a problem, hopefully.
I squirmed, racing through possibilities in my mind, trying to figure out how it would go. If it would be anything at all like some of my favourite, most romantic stories that I revisited regularly. The ones where sibs fell madly, stupidly in love, and the hell with the rest of the world anyway.
It wasn't quite as special and romantic just being a regular couple, but there was precious little anyone could do about that. It was, too, a lot simpler that way. Probably for the best.
"If we did it," I said slowly, watching Brendan's eyes light up, "would it be ok if I changed my mind? I can't promise I wouldn't, is all."
Brendan wrestled with that one. "I mean... yes. Yeah, it's ok, but..."
"I don't intend to. I'm just saying, if we start and I don't like it... you need to be ok with stopping."
"That's fair. Have you never... like anything at all in..."
I tilted my head curiously until I realized what he meant. "Oh. Dildos, you mean. Yeah, sure. Not my favourite, but they're ok, I guess."
"Oh. Well, like, it won't be any worse than that, right? And it should be a lot better."
"Ooh. Confident, are we?"
"I'm pretty sure it'll be better than just a toy."
"Depends on the toy."
"You trying to make me insecure or what?"
"Maybe a little."
"Oh thanks."
"Well I'm gonna be a little insecure too. So it's only fair."
"I don't know if that's really how it works."
"You wanna argue, or you wanna have sex?"
Brendan didn't even think about it. "Sex."
He started rolling toward me, and I gently pushed him back.
"Not now."
"Uh... what?"
"Obviously not now. If we're gonna do this, it's not gonna be after you just came already."
"I can go again."
"I know. But... not like I want anything cheesy and romantic or whatever. I'm not a lovesick teen. But maybe a little special?"
"Oh. Special. Yeah, that makes sense." Brendan visibly relaxed. "We can do special."
"Again with the confidence."
"Again with the making me insecure."
I laughed softly and kissed him. "Good night, Brendan. Don't be up 'til all hours worrying about this."
"Don't worry. It's gonna be so good."
****
"So... I think I'm gonna have sex with Brendan."
It took Lily a moment to process, then she grinned widely. "Oh thank fuck. Finally."
"Hey now!"
"Well you have to admit, it's about dang time."
"That's exactly no one's business."
"Excuse me, who insisted just now on informing me all about it?"
"... shush."
"Was it you? I think it was you."
"Are you gonna be a supportive best friend or what?"
"I can be supportive and teasing. Multitasking isn't that hard in this case."
"Sure."
"Sooo?" Lily leaned casually forward toward me. "You excited?"
I groaned and slumped, letting my emotions take over. "I'm so fucking nervous."
"Ha, yeah. That makes sense."
"Does it?"
"Yeah. You never got a first time out of the way early. At least you're doing it now."
"I don't want to do it wrong."
"Don't worry about that. Just get through it. Brendan'll enjoy it whatever happens. You know, excepting a real disaster. Just try to not hate it. And maybe pick up a few things."
"He might hate it."
"He won't. You let him cum in you, he'll be a happy boy."
"He can't cum in me! Has to be a condom."
"Oh, well, yeah. Fair enough. Not on the pill, huh?"
"You know I'm not. Why would I need to be?"
"I guess I just assumed you were. I don't know why, in hindsight. We should see about getting you on it. Or actually there are other options. Supposedly better ones. If I went out with boys more often, I probably would have looked into them more."
I squirmed uncomfortably. "Well... whatever. Condoms are fine."
"They're fine, but not great. Best to stay safe though, you're right. Go with them for now. But we're looking into options, ok?"
"Unless he breaks up with me 'cause I'm so bad."
"He won't. And even if he does, you still need options for the next boy."
"Why do you assume there'll be another one? If this goes horribly, maybe I just won't bother."
"You want a happy, healthy relationship as bad as the rest of us, Kase. Wanting it with your brother doesn't change that."
"Maybe it does."
"It doesn't. And honestly, that's not even the worst baggage I've ever seen. You're not the hopeless case you make yourself out to be."
"Says you."
"Yeah. And I'm an expert. So deal with it."
****
The day came. I still wasn't sure I was ready, but it had to happen sometime.
Brendan was good about it. He took me out to dinner and everything. We had some wine together back at the apartment. Some calm music. Trying to get me all happy and relaxed I guess. I went a little harder on the wine than maybe I should have, but that was on me and my nerves, not Brendan.
There was something brotherly about the way he took me to bed. I didn't dare say that out loud, even though he probably would have understood. I didn't want to ruin the mood. It helped, anyway. Helped to feel like I was cared about. Like the sex was just happening between two people who wanted it rather than something orchestrated.
I wished I was more drunk. It wouldn't have been good, probably, but that was where I was at.
Still, I liked it at first. I liked being in his arms, slowly dragged along while he held me and we stopped a few times to make out. Then more of the same on his bed.
Then he insisted on licking me out. Which was fine, but I didn't really want it. I wanted sex. In the sense, of course, that I wanted to get to it and see whether I hated it or not.
Brendan's attempt at pleasuring me was doomed to failure. He wasn't going to make me cum like that. I could barely make myself cum without some specific tools and/or techniques. He didn't really stand a chance with just his tongue.
It felt nice. At least there was that. But then there was all that pressure on me to make sure he knew I was enjoying it, and then to pretend like he made me cum at the end. That part I wasn't in love with.
I could have just been honest, sure, but again, I didn't want to spoil things before they'd been given a real shot.
"You ready?" Brendan whispered.
I nodded. "Yes," I whispered back.
He had to stop long enough to put a condom on. I'd insisted on it, and he couldn't argue that it wasn't the smart thing.
Once he came back, I tried to hold him close. Partly just for the intimacy of it, but partly too so he wouldn't see my face. I didn't know what I looked like at the moment, or what I'd look like when it happened. I didn't want to have to worry about it either way. If we both could have been blindfolded, that might have been ideal.
Brendan found my entrance and pushed into me so very carefully. He didn't need to be nearly that delicate. I'd played with myself lots, and my pussy could definitely take it.
Nevertheless, he stayed slow and gentle, only gradually filling me up. He was restraining himself for me, even though faster would have been better.
I thought about saying something, but just left it. There was so much potential for things to all end in tears that I didn't want to add conflict over a non-issue.
"That ok?"
I nodded, knowing he could feel the movement of my head against him. "Yeah."
And it was. Just ok. Nothing overly good or bad about it. Just... yeah. A cock in me. A real one. It wasn't particularly magical, but it was maybe better than a dildo, or at least I could convince myself it was. But again, dildos had never done much for me. They didn't stimulate me the right way.
Now maybe Brendan's cock in me while I vibed my clit...
This wasn't the time for that, though. This was only a first trial run. Maybe things could be added next time. Not now.
"Harder," I urged.
"You sure?"
"I won't break."
"No, but... first time and all..."
"Yeah. Still won't break."
"We can just go slow if you want. It doesn't have to-"
I growled in my throat. "What's the point if we're not gonna do it for real?"
"Ha, yeah, ok."
Brendan started thrusting in me. Some actual fucking motion. It was better. Still not great, but better. I could be ok with it. It was sort of like a mediocre massage, in that it wasn't really worth all the fuss but as long as we'd started already I could probably relax and enjoy it for what it was.
I continued to cling to Brendan as he let himself enjoy it more. I didn't want him to see the lack of rapture on my face. It was good that he was getting into it more. His little grunts and sighs in my ear were nice. And the happier he was, the happier I was just to feel him against me. I could take pleasure in his pleasure.
If not for the pressure to have an amazing time, I probably would have liked it better than sucking him off. Blowjobs were, similarly, about making him feel good, mainly. I could enjoy that part of them without having to feel like I needed to experience certain things too.
It really came down to the pressure on me more than anything. I wasn't sure how everyone else handled it. Although they probably just liked fucking, which must help.
"Unf, god you feel so good," Brendan moaned.
I didn't know what to say to that. Did I feel good? Probably. No reason I wouldn't.
He fucked me harder, losing the precious sense of control he'd started with. Again, I kind of liked that. Liked that he was enjoying himself, and got some more enjoyment out of the feeling of him moving faster.
I had to admit, his cock probably was better than a dildo, even if it wasn't the part I was most enjoying about sex. Maybe it was the combination of things that made it better as one big package. The actual mechanical sex along with the warmth, intimacy, and feeling that Brendan was loving it. I could get behind that. Sort of.
I stroked his hair and ran my fingers up and down his back. I tried to encourage him as best I could. He should cum. I needed him to finish. The sooner the better. I could enjoy sex, I decided, but only if it wasn't a drawn out affair. Not like porn videos where dudes lasted ten minutes, twenty minute, half hours, or whatever.
No. Brendan could have his fun, cum, and we'd all be happy with it. It could be fine.
"Cum," I found myself saying aloud, though I wasn't sure I meant to. Once I'd spoken, I mentally shrugged and went with it. "Cum!"
"Hnnggh. Not yet."
"Yes yet. Cum, Brendan. You want to."
"I do, but-"
"Do it."
"Kaseyyy."
"Do it! Cum!"
Brendan grunted and shook his head, then came. I couldn't actually feel the mess, since he had a condom on and all, but I knew his orgasms well enough even from a different perspective.
He was the one to cling to me afterward. I just kept running my hands over him, all gentle and comforting and whatnot. Bringing him back down softly
"That was pretty amazing," he murmured.
"Mmhm," I responded noncommittally.
"You didn't cum, did you?"
"... no."
"I wanted you to."
"I know. It wasn't going to happen though."
"Oh."
"Not your fault. I don't cum easy."
"I know. I thought... maybe sex..."
"From what I've read, it's less likely from straight fucking than other methods. Another one of those porn lies."
"Oh. Well fuck."
"Nah, it's fine."
"Do you want me to-"
"No," I said, forestalling whatever offer Brendan might have made. "Let's just enjoy the moment, ok?"
"Yeah. Ok." Brendan kissed me softly and caressed my cheek. "I love you."
My eyes went wide. I nuzzled against his cheek so he wouldn't see my reaction.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
Seriously? Love? Dammit. Fucking damn it.
What was I supposed to do with that? I'd had so much on my mind this whole time, and now switching gears like this? Impossible.
Fuck.
****
"He told me he loves me!"
Lily's eyes went wide for a second, much as mine had upon first hearing it. "Oh. Oh wow."
"I know!"
"Like... during?"
"No. After. Right after."
"Fuck."
"Exactly!"
"What did you say?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"What could I say?"
"Well... nothing."
"Right."
Lily pushed her hair back and shook her head. "Sorry, dude."
"Ugh. What do I do?"
"I don't know."
"I... I don't love him. I really like him, but not... not that."
"I know. I get ya."
"What do I do?"
"Stay chill, I guess. Maybe it's fine. Maybe he doesn't even remember saying it. Might have been a post-orgasm kinda thing. You might have rocked his world."
"I doubt it. It was... ok."
"For you, sure. For him, who knows?"
"You think?"
"He really liked it, didn't he?"
"Sure seemed to."
"So maybe he just thought he had to say it or something. Maybe it's not a whole big thing."
"Maybe." A small hope bloomed in me, though I was sure it wasn't right. "So I just... hope he doesn't bring it up again?"
"No. You should probably talk about it."
"Fuck."
"Yeah."
"I don't want to."
"I know."
"Ugh. Can you do it for me?"
"... talk to your boyfriend about loving you?"
"Yes."
"Obviously not."
"Damn."
"This happens sometimes, Kase. It's something you gotta learn to deal with."
"How do you deal with it?"
"Honestly... usually it leads to a breakup."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah. Sooner or later. If one's in love and the other isn't... what else do you do?"
"You've never had, like, a mutual love thing?"
"Oh sure. Or I thought I did. Weirdly those didn't last all that much longer."
"Why do I even come to you for advice?"
"Sometimes the wisest girl is the one who's made the most mistakes."
"... I don't know if that's deep or not."
"Me either. But hey, honestly, this isn't your fault. Whoever pulls the Love trigger is responsible for the consequences."
"Even if it's been long enough that maybe I should love him too?"
"Don't be getting into that. You love him or you don't. Nevermind whether you should or not. Shoulds don't belong in this conversation."
"Yeah. Maybe."
"Take some time. Figure it out. You don't need to rush regardless of what you decide."
"You say that-"
"'Cause it's true."
"-but the wedding's coming up."
"Oh. Oh shit. I forgot about that."
"I didn't."
"Damn. Xan's still going through with it?"
"Apparently."
"Shit. You doing ok?"
"Obviously not."
"Right."
"Why's everything gotta be so complicated? And all at the same time?"
"Hell if I know."
****
"Still getting married, huh?"
Xander fidgeted. His leg bounced nervously. "Yeah."
"That excited, are you?"
"Hush. You know I'm... anxious."
"I know. I'm surprised you haven't called it off, really."
"How am I possibly supposed to do that? Everyone's excited. Beth. Her parents. Our parents. Our families. Her friends. My friends. Ugh. Everyone."
"I'm not."
"Ha, no, I know. I appreciate it."
I smiled at the absurdity of it all, but the smile faded pretty quickly. "If it goes ahead... I'll be there. For the ceremony and everything. I promise."
"You gotta be. You're a bridesmaid."
"I'll be your fucking best man if I gotta be. I'll be there."
Xander smiled, small but genuine. I knew he knew what I was saying. And I meant it. Whatever my feelings, however much of a mistake I knew it was, and however much it hurt, I wasn't going to abandon my brother to his fate all alone.
"I miss you," he said quietly.
"We see each other all the-"
"Not often enough. Not like it used to be."
A small hole inside me made itself known. The one I variously tried to ignore or fill in. The one Xander had left in me without meaning to.
"Not like it used to be," I agreed. "But at least we're learning, yeah? Getting better at the whole 'independent adult' thing."
"Arguably, sure. I feel like I peaked, though, and I'm on the downslope now."
"You'll soon have a wife to help with that."
"Yeah. I will."
"It'll be good, right?"
"Probably. I don't know."
I watched Xander slowly spiraling. There was nothing more I could do for him right now. And I still had burning news I wanted to share. I'd hung onto it way longer than I wanted to. At least I had Lily to share that stuff with, or I would have gone crazy waiting to tell my brother.
"I had sex," I said.
Xander's head jolted up, mind-train derailing instantly. "You did?"
"Yeah."
"With Brendan?"
"Obviously."
"Right. Well that's... good."
"You don't sound sure."
"No I mean it is, isn't it?"
"I think so. Definitely in some ways it is."
"But?"
"But I don't know. He likes it way more than I do."
"I could see that. I'd be surprised if he didn't, honestly."
I snorted. "Thanks."
"Well... really though. It's you."
"It is me."
"How you doing with it?"
I shrugged. "Enh. It's fine. I probably should have realized he'd want it a lot more after the first time."
"I'd imagine so."
"Uh huh. But, like, it's so much work. I miss just sucking him off. He got to feel good, I got to make him feel good, it's all pretty straightforward and easy. Now he's hell bent on making me cum and stuff."
Xander laughed. "Oh my god. Of course that would be a problem for you."
I flushed. "What? I'm serious."
"I know. It's just... you know how many women have the opposite problem?"
"How would I know that?"
"Like... a boyfriend who wants to make you cum. And that's a problem for you." Xander chuckled and shook his head.
"Well, ok, like, it'd be fine, but he can't do it, is all. And it gets exhausting. Makes me just wanna grab my wand and bang one out for myself instead of letting him try to fuck me good enough or whatever."
"So tell him."
"What?"
"Girls especially, sometimes they need certain things. You gotta communicate that. Don't just expect him to figure it out."
"What, like, hey I don't wanna fuck, I'ma actually just vibe myself?"
"Nah, Kase. But maybe be like, hey, you wanna use this toy on me after you get off?"
"Oh. You think I could just do that?"
"Don't see why not."
"He might not like it."
"So? Then you know. And if he really wants to make you cum, he shouldn't be so concerned with how he does it. If he's got that whole thing where he thinks his dick'll take care of everything, you've got bigger problems."
"Yeah. Yeah maybe." I smiled cautiously at Xander. "Thanks. That's actually good advice."
"Hey, what are brothers for anyway?"
We both paused a moment.
"Well, probably not convos like this usually," I said with a small, insane giggle.
"Yeah. Yeah I'm just starting to think about it now and... yeah." Xander rubbed his face. "Giving my little sister advice on how to get off with her boyfriend. That's weird, isn't it?"
"Not for us, really. We're well past that in weirdness."
"Mmhm. Maybe."
"I like what we have. It's not what I wanted, exactly, but it's important to me. Wouldn't trade it."
"Me either."
****
The wedding snuck up on me. I knew it was coming. Dreaded it coming. And yet somehow, I still didn't expect it when relatives started popping up and rehearsals started happening, and all that other junk.
I'd been trying to sort out things with Brendan, though I didn't make as much progress on that as I would have liked. I had to put a pin in it anyway.
Somehow, Beth and I bonded through the lead up to the ceremony itself. We'd been ok anyway, but she did a weird sort of anti-bridezilla thing, and I actually found myself enjoying her company.
Which only made me more conflicted when we misplaced Xander on the wedding day.
There was an initial sense of relief that hey, no groom no wedding, right? Except that was quickly overwhelmed by Beth freaking out, her mom trying to calm her down, my Mom dialing Xander over and over, and every other woman there all trying to help. Some of them even managed to not make things worse, which was nice.
I wandered out. I was useless there, and unlike everyone else I recognized it.
Xander didn't answer me either when I tried his phone. That was fine. If I couldn't find him I could find him. That was all.
Except... dammit. I needed to find him. There was a possibility he actually wasn't ok. He might need someone. He might need me.
Sure he might just be running from the wedding and simplifying my life for me, but it could be something much, much worse than that for all I knew.
The next step was getting hold of anyone he might be with. Friends and family and whoever else. Except who would he go to that wasn't already here? No one, right?
Then I stopped and just thought. I must have looked silly. People were rushing around frantically, or at least purposefully. I was just standing there in my stupid dress trying to breathe deeply and calmly, and just have a good think.
No one paid me much mind, which was nice of them.
All my thinking didn't lead to much, but there was one place that popped into my head. Somewhere no one else would find him. Even if he wasn't there, at least it wouldn't be redundant effort.
"Hey Mom, I need to borrow your car."
"What?"
"Your car. Please?"
Mom gave me a look of hope. "You know where he is?"
"No. But I have a guess."
She hesitated, then shrugged and handed her keys over. "Find your brother."
"Do my best."
Someone would have checked our parents' house. Probably. Xander wouldn't have gone there anyway, but even if he had someone would have seen him.
However, in all likelihood, no one had bothered scouring the park nearby. Why would they? There was no particular reason he'd be there.
And yet, as I parked and started walking, I knew I was right. I knew he'd be there. What's more, I knew right where he'd be.
There, by the pond, watching the ducks, was a hunched figure on a bench. As I neared, he straightened up and looked toward me. My sad, worried, tired looking big brother.
"You tracked me down, huh?"
I sat beside him, looking so very out of place in my formal wear.
"Just a guess."
"How many other places did you try?"
"None."
"So not really a guess."
"Sure it was. I didn't know. I guessed. I got lucky."
"No one else would have found me here."
"An educated guess then."
Xander sighed and slumped down again. "No. Not a guess at all."
"Why do you keep saying that?"
"Because it's not the first time."
"Hm?"
"You really don't remember?"
"What?"
"What was I, like, ten? Twelve? Something. I got upset about something. What was it?"
My memory jogged. "Oh shit, yeah. That's what it was."
That's why I'd been so certain. It came back to me then. Tracking Xander down here as a little girl after he'd run away.
Not a proper run away. Just an upset little boy dealing with shit he couldn't handle. Not so different from now, in a way.
And me, even littler, but I knew where he'd gone, and I was determined to follow. It wasn't a bad walk from our house, though pretty far for us at the time with no adult supervision.
"Was that when Grandma died?" I asked.
"Yeah. Yeah I think that was it."
"Must have hit you hard, huh? I don't remember being that bothered for some reason."
Xander gave a short, humourless laugh. "You know what? It wasn't even missing her that hit me that bad. I think that was the day I realized I was going to die. And it scared the shit out of me."
"Oh. Oh wow. I don't remember that."
"I probably didn't tell you. I'm not even sure I knew what was going on at the time. I didn't have the words or experience or anything. It was like my first time dealing with existential dread, and could nooottt handle it."
"No kidding."
"But you found me."
"Yeah. That was our spot for, like, what, a couple months? Something like that. We loved it. I remember that. We'd come to the park and really annoy Mom 'cause we just wanted to watch the ducks. I think they had their babies, maybe."
"Ha, yeah."
"And I don't know, it just made sense that you'd be there when no one could find you."
"You know me too well."
"It's kind of a problem."
"Sometimes it's the best damn thing in the world," Xander said softly.
"I... what?"
"It is. I needed you that day. You were my little sister. Even younger than I was. But you were there, and you just, like, held me and patted my head while I was freaking out."
"And crying."
"And crying, sure. I didn't even feel bad about it. You didn't mind. Didn't tease me or ask questions or anything."
"It didn't matter," I said, remembering the moment viscerally for a second. "I just wanted you to feel better. I didn't care about anything else. That's what freaked me out most about that day, you know. I'd never seen you like that. Upset as all hell, sure. But not quite as... primally, I guess."
"Mmhm."
"But after a while you went quiet and just, like, laid there with your head in my lap. It was ok then. We watched the ducks. Just watched them."
"And Mom and Dad called down havoc when they realized they'd lost us both."
"Ha, sure did. God, you think they remember that day?"
"I assume. The one and only time they had to get the police involved looking for us. Probably memorable."
"Police? I don't remember them."
"You mighta been asleep by then."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I was still awake and in your lap and stuff, but I think you fell asleep sitting there. Your hand was still on my cheek I think."
"Oh."
"It was nice. I was gonna walk home, but I didn't want to wake you, and obviously wasn't going to leave you."
"Huh. Yeah, I really don't remember any of the fallout for the rest of that day now that you say it. I remember after that. We got helicoptered good for a bit afterward."
"Yep yep. Good times."
I smirked crookedly, then let it fade. "Good times," I echoed.
I reached over and pulled Xander toward me. He resisted for only a moment, then fell across my lap, scooting down so his head rested on my thighs.
"It's a nice dress," he said faintly.
"Thanks."
"Softer than it looks."
"Maybe that's just me."
"Oh. Maybe."
I stroked Xander's hair. "Mom said something like that a little while back. About how often we were there for each other. I only remember the times I needed you. Somehow the ones where you needed me don't stick the same."
"We both had our moments," Xander mumbled.
"I guess."
"You were about the best sister I ever could have had."
"Glad you think so."
"I mean it."
I smiled, feeling warm tingles inside. I tangled my fingers gently in his hair. "You were the best brother."
"Was?"
"Still are."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Even though I'm marrying someone other than you?"
"Don't spoil the mood."
"Sorry."
"It had to happen. We can't be together like that. I've never been under any illusions."
"Well..."
"Ok. A few illusions. At times. Whatever. You know what I mean."
"I do."
Xander sat up slowly. I hated to have him leave my lap, but I let him go.
After stretching, he just sat staring at me for a moment. It was so piercing. So intense. It made me feel all small and helpless in the best possible way. He could have asked me anything, anything at all, and I couldn't have refused him.
In a way, that was exactly what he did. Sort of.
Xander, still staring at me in that irresistible way, leaned in. He leaned in dangerously close, until his warmth and scent was all there was in the world, then just kept coming.
His lips met mine. I was shocked, taken aback, but even as my reaction would have been to pull away from literally any other guy trying a move like that, I pushed into him. I accepted my brother's kiss and gave it right back.
My heart pounded like a bass drum, out of control, no particular rhythm to follow. I vibrated all throughout, just small shivers, but everywhere, consuming me.
And still he kissed me. Still I felt my brother's lips, tasting them for the longest, sweetest moment of my life.
Why was it so fucking good? I mean, I knew why. I absolutely knew why. But I thought I'd been exaggerating what it would be like. Making it into something reality could never match.
That wasn't at all what I'd done. I'd under-anticipated. I'd expected too little.
Fuck it was good. So fucking good. The one perfect moment in my life.
And then it was over.
I blinked. Seconds? Had it even been seconds? Or had we been frozen for hours? Probably closer to the former than the latter.
Xander was still looking at me, but no longer in the kind of way that made me a melty little sister. Just... just like my big brother. Like who he was.
"Sorry," he said.
"It's ok."
"It's not. I'm getting married. I shouldn't be..."
"Making out with your sister?"
"I definitely shouldn't be doing that."
"Probably not."
"Oh god I shouldn't have done that."
I put my hand to Xander's cheek. "It's ok. It's... a wedding gift. That's all."
"That's not how wedding gifts work."
"Why not?"
"I can't give away presents at my wedding."
"You didn't. You took one for yourself."
"... I did?"
"It was a beautiful kiss, Xan. Best of my life."
"It-"
"Shush. It honestly was. So yeah, kind of amazing for me. But you needed to try it. I... know the feeling."
"Oh. Really? You think?"
"You can't tell?"
"I don't know. I'm very confused."
"Woulda been easier if you'd hated it, huh?"
"Oh wow. So much easier. Just... fuck. I wish I'd hated it just now."
"Be better if were terrible at kissing each other."
"Ugh. So much better. Seriously."
"Sucks to be us."
"For real."
I smiled, taking an extra moment to just drink it all in. Including the leftover tingles from my one perfect kiss. The only one I'd probably ever get.
Worth it. So fucking worth it.
"Speaking of sucking... we should actually get to the wedding at some point."
"Yeah. Fuck. Probably."
I laughed with unfeigned joy. I didn't even care anymore that Xander was getting married. "Don't sound so excited."
"I mean, it's good. It'll be good."
"Sure."
"I love her."
"Yup."
"You're not being helpful."
I patted Xander's shoulder. "Come on, bro bro. Time to be adults."
"Yeah. Shit. Alright."
We walked back to the parking lot.
"I got dirt on my dress," I said.
"Where?"
"On the hem."
"Oh. Whatever. No one will notice."
"Pretty sure someone will."
"Then fuck 'em. You're best sister. Kick 'em out. I hereby grant you authority."
"Best sister?"
"Like best man, but-"
"Yeah, no, I get that. The effect isn't the same."
"Don't care."
"I-"
"Don't care. You're standing with me, ok?"
"That'll fuck with tradition."
"Mmhm."
"And literally all the planning for the ceremony."
"Ask me if I care."
"Do you-"
"Nope."
"Xan?"
"Yeah?"
"Good luck."
"Thanks."
"Love you."
"You too."
****
"He kissed me. He fucking kissed me!"
"Yes," Lily said patiently, but with gleaming, excited eyes, "so you've said. repeatedly."
"I don't think you're getting it. He kiss-"
"No, I get it. But he still got married."
"Well, yeah. He had to."
"He could have run off with you."
"With his sister? Uh huh. Yeah. That'd go over great."
"What happened to the desperate little thing you used to be. You would have gone for that in a heartbeat."
"Maybe I've matured."
"... I want to make a joke, but honestly... yeah. You have."
"Well... good, then."
Lily leaned in closer, mischievous spark still in her eye. "So how was this legendary brother-kiss?"
"Oh my god so good."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Like... what was the best you've ever been kissed?"
"I... hm. Good question. Maybe that time when-"
"Better than that."
"You didn't let me-"
"Then double it."
"That doesn't make sense."
"Imagine never wanting it to end."
"Ok, sure."
"Then when it ends, you're still happy, because it's right there lingering. It was a magical fucking moment, and there's no way you can be unhappy afterward. Your whole body is just fucking revved up. Like you wanna... wanna..."
"Fuck?"
"What? No. Don't ruin this by being gross."
"Oh come on. Don't tell me you wouldn't have fucked your brother right there."
"Lilyyy. Don't ruin this for me."
"I'm not ruining a damn thing. You would have."
"Ok, yeah, sure. He was getting married though."
"That's your counter-argument?"
"Shush. Don't bring logic into this. I'm warning you."
"Wouldn't dream of it."
I leaned closer to Lily. The two of us were huddling in like conspirators, afraid of being overheard but wanting to share every juicy little secret.
"We danced after the wedding," I hissed in a hushed tone, like it was dangerous to even say aloud.
"That's traditional."
"Specifically me and Xan, I mean. My dress and shoes were... less than pristine. He didn't give half a shit. He danced with me longer than Beth, even. I watched the video after and counted."
"Of course you did."
"The slow song, Lily. The slow song! Fuuuccck."
"You bad girl. Dancing platonically with your brother in public like that. What will the neighbours think?"
"Nothing platonic about it. It was what sex wishes it could be."
"That... ok, what?"
"You heard me. Sex wishes it could be that good."
"I really don't think that's true."
"You ever danced in someone's arms, head on their shoulder, slowly melting into them, letting them carry you, feeling like you'd happily just fade away like that, still held and safe and snug?"
"That's quite a claim."
"It's what I felt. I thought I'd never top that kiss. And then a few hours later..."
"Better, huh?"
"Longer, at least. Not that pure moment of intensity, but just, like, I can die happy now, is what I'm saying."
"And at his wedding no less."
"I knooowww! That's part of what makes it so good. It wasn't just slow dancing. It was... everything. Everything all together. I can't describe it."
"You gonna try and dance with him more? Right in front of his wife?"
"Don't be silly. Wouldn't be the same. You can't force moments like that."
"You haven't even tried."
"Are you luring me into doing something stupid."
"Maybe. It's all very fascinating. That's all."
"Uh huh. Stop perving on my life."
Lily snorted. "You want me to be fascinated. You'd be miserable if I wasn't."
"... maybe. Shut up."
****
Chapter Eight: Kasey at Twenty-Five
****
Sex with Brendan got better. It still didn't seem worth the effort most of the time, but he really liked it, and I liked that he liked it.
A bigger problem was that it was getting more and more frequent for him to say that he loved me after sex. Hoping he'd just drop it probably hadn't ever been the correct course of action, but these things aren't emotionally easy to handle.
"I love you," he said yet again.
It spoiled the moment somewhat. We were lying in a rare moment of post-orgasm, where we'd each had one fairly close together. Mine was vibrator assisted, his was more traditionally penetrative. It would have been a nice time anyway. Could have gone to sleep all restful and content.
But no.
"Brendan?"
"Yeah?"
I squirmed anxiously. "I can't say it back."
"That's ok."
"It's not. You keep saying it. It's been months. I can't say it."
"Maybe I said it too soon."
"Maybe."
"But I don't think I did. It's what I feel."
My tummy knotted up tighter. "I don't," I said in a bare whisper.
He was slow to answer. "What are you saying?"
"I think it might be unfair to let you keep thinking it's gonna happen. I think maybe what we have right now, that's about all that it's ever going to be."
"... never anything more?"
"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. I like this. I have no idea if I'll ever want more than what it is."
"Oh."
"Is that horrible?"
"No. No I guess I knew what I was getting into."
I felt stung, even though I knew exactly what he meant, and it was a fair assessment. I wasn't quite right. I knew that. A girl doesn't get hung up on her brother like I did if she wasn't a little broken.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"It's fine."
"Ok."
It wasn't fine. We both knew it.
****
"I hate this," I told Lily. I was still a twisted mess inside.
"Well, you know, messy breakups are a part of life."
"Is that what it is?"
"Not the messiest, sure, but kinda messy. And definitely a breakup."
I sighed. "Yeah. Fuck. He found a new place yet?"
"Supposedly."
"He didn't have to move out."
"What, even after you two broke up?"
"We didn't have to break up either."
"After you told him you'd never love him?"
I gaped at Lily. "Are you not on my side?"
"Of course I am."
"What was I supposed to do? Let him keep believing that... that... I'd change?"
"Maybe. If he was happy, and you were happy, maybe that was enough."
"It wasn't. If he'd just stopped saying it..."
"Yeah. Yeah you might be right. You probably needed to tell him."
"I think I did."
"It probably was the mature and responsible thing to do." Lily sighed. "But now we need to find another roommate."
"Oh gee, thanks for caring."
Lily hugged me. "I do. I'm proud of you. Your first long term relationship. Fairly healthy as these things go. And you're only mildly nonfunctional in the aftermath. That's pretty good all round."
"Oh good. That makes me really excited for... life."
"It's good. Seriously. You've got experience now."
"So I've got experience. So what?"
"It makes next time a little better. Or less terrible, as the case might be."
"Oh good. There's that to look forward to then."
****
Mom took me out. Shopping, nails, food, drinks. Someone must have told her about Brendan. I didn't. But presumably she would have found out eventually anyway, so whatever.
"I dunno," I said. "It kinda sucks. I liked him."
"He was good for you. I could see it."
"Well... yeah, kinda, I guess."
"But you're doing ok, right?"
"Yeah, no. Pretty good. It's weird getting used to having so much space again. I like it, I think. But it was nice just... having someone. Sleeping with someone. Sleeping alone all the time isn't the same anymore."
"I can understand that. Are you... interested in anyone?"
"Mom! It's been, like, a minute. Gimme a chance."
"Sorry. Just curious."
"Just because I gotta figure stuff out again on my own doesn't mean I want to jump into anything."
"No, I know. I was just wondering. I thought there might be. Maybe that was part of the split."
"Come on, really? You know I don't fall for anyone easily. Let alone more than one at a time."
"I know." Mom took another long sip of her drink. "There was someone though, wasn't there?"
"No."
"But... you remember around Xander's wedding?"
"Sure."
"There was someone then. I didn't want to say anything, but I could see it."
"Oh my goddd. Do I need to cut you off?"
"We're getting picked up, darling. It's fine."
"I don't care about that. There was no one else the whole time I was with Brendan, ok?"
"There was. You were so happy for a while after the wedding. I expected you to be mopey. But you weren't."
"I was happy for Xan."
"No. You didn't want him to get married. Don't think I don't know."
"Well... whatever."
"Was it someone you met at the wedding? We could get you in contact."
"Oh really? Even if it's someone married? Or related? Or-"
"Well obviously not in those cases." Mom frowned. "Related?"
"To Beth, I mean."
"Right."
"'Cause that's be weird, like, hooking up with her cousin or something."
"Was it her cousin?"
"No, Mom. There was no one. I was there for Xan. That's all. It was his day. I was happy for him. Even if it was a terrible, terrible mistake."
Mom laughed just a little off-kilter, but triumphant. "I knew it!"
"Yes, well done. I'm possessive of my brother. You worked out my least secret secret. Well done you."
"So what were you happy about then?" Mom asked, drilling deep as though she was some kind of emotional investigator hot on the trail of... something.
"You wanna know?"
"Yes."
"Xan was by the duck pond. That's where I found him. And I remembered when we were little. Some stuff. It was nice. And, like, he's always gonna be my brother. I'm not gonna lose him just 'cause he marries someone he shouldn't. Got nothing to do with anything. No one else is ever gonna be his sister. It's special."
Mom teared up a little. "It is." She clutched my hand. "I love how close you two have always been. Warms me inside."
"Does it?"
"Yes. Makes me feel like I did some things right. And that you'll both always have someone."
"Yeah. Kinda how I feel too." I patted Mom's hand. "You did lots of things right. You and Dad. Not everything, but you know, pretty good overall."
Mom kept staring at me all misty-eyed. "I think I shouldn't have any more to drink."
I snorted at the way she broke the moment. "Yeah, Mom. Probably a good idea."
****
Chapter Nine: Kasey at Twenty-Six
****
"Marriage is the wooorrrst."
I grinned at Xander from my end of the couch and sipped my wine. We were chilling at his place. Beth was away for the weekend.
"So it's all going well then?"
"Ugh."
"Oh good."
Xander shook his head, a little further along to be drunk than I was. "I don't know what happened."
"I do."
"Shush. It was so good before we got married. What happened?"
"You didn't want to, remember? We both knew it wasn't what you wanted."
"I know. But... it shouldn't have changed things."
"It does, though. From what I understand."
"Maybe? Fuck. Like, why is there less sex? There should be more!"
"Have you told her that?"
"No. I... I don't even really want more. It just gets so... normal. Not boring, but... well yeah, boring."
"Whip out some ropes and cheerleader outfits and butt stuff. Easy. Solved."
"Beth's not really into that."
"I meant for you."
"Oh ha ha. So hilarious."
"Thank you."
"You think me getting tied up and..."
"Pegged."
Xander gave me such a dirty look. "And that. You think that's gonna-"
"Pegged. Say pegged."
"No."
"Prude."
"I'm not."
"You've been getting more and more a prude since you were with Beth. You used to know all this stuff I didn't. And be into stuff. You introduced me to erotica, remember that?"
"Did I?"
"Yeah."
"Oh wow. That was... forever ago."
"Mmhm."
"You were all into... incest and stuff."
"Still am. It's my main thing that gets me off."
"Don't say it like that."
"Like what?"
"Like some kind of subtle invitation."
"It wasn't. You're married. I've matured."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."
"So you wouldn't do stuff with me?"
"Now who's making invitations?"
"It was a hypothetical."
I shrugged and finished my glass. Xander refilled it without asking. "Hypothetically... yeah, I'd do stuff with you. Of course I would. But that was never in the cards for us."
"So defeatist."
"Again with the making subtle invitations."
"I'm not! I'm just saying. You used to be so super into me."
I gave Xander a Look. "You feeling neglected now that your baby sis doesn't have a hopeless crush on you?"
"... maybe."
"It's still pretty bad. It's just not as overwhelming as it used to be."
"Ah."
"I sometimes imagined what it'd be like having sex with you instead of Brendan, you know. I felt bad about it. Like it was kinda almost cheating. But people have their fantasies, right?"
"They do."
"What's yours?"
Xander looked confused. "Mine?"
"Yeah. I've got the whole incest thing. Specifically you. What's yours?"
"I... don't have one."
"Of course you do. What, are you embarrassed? Is it that much worse than me wanting to be with my brother? I can't imagine that."
"I really don't think I've had one that's been, like, quite so omnipresent. It changes."
"Fine. So what's the current one?"
"Really?"
"Yes."
Xander finished off his drink. I grabbed the bottle of wine and drained the remainder into his emptied glass.
"Fine. It's butt stuff."
"Ha!"
"Not pegging."
"Pff. Vanilla motherfucker."
"No, listen. No making fun."
"Ok."
"But... yeah. Beth won't do butt stuff. I've asked."
"Shoulda figured that out before the wedding."
"But like... I thought once we're married... we'd try stuff."
"Is that why you went through with it?"
"Only partly."
"Dude, people don't get less inhibited after marriage. Whoever they are is basically who they are. Marriage just... solidifies things."
"How the hell would you know?"
"Am I wrong?"
"... no. But how the hell would you know?"
"Me and Lily talk about this sort of thing sometimes. She's got theories."
"And that's one of them?"
"Yep."
"Huh."
"So what else is there to this little fantasy?"
"Nothing."
"How can it be nothing. It's literally just stick your dick in a butt and cum? There's so little imagination to that it actually hurts."
"Just, like, regular sexy stuff. Except doing it in the butt. That's a perfectly reasonable fantasy."
"It's not. There's no story there. No reason for the butt stuff to happen."
"Why do I need a reason?"
"Have you seriously not ever watched porn? Read stories? Anything?"
"Of course. Not much for a while, but-"
"That's how you get the best stuff! You put stuff in that's not just the sex. You think videos do well if it opens on a dude sliding in a butt and ends with him cumming? No. No you need more. Like, some kind of seduction. Or some play acting. Like 'oh nooo I don't do buuutttt stuuufff' then all kinds of like touching and licking and eventually she loves it, or whatever. Nevermind that the girl in question has done like a billion anal vids already."
"... how the fuck much thought do you put into this stuff?'
"Is there more wine?"
"Don't change the subject. And... yes. There is."
"Good."
Xander got another bottle. We got straight into it.
"And stories. You need buildup in stories. You need reasons why it's hot that the characters are gonna do butt stuff. You can't just be, like, girl bends over from the word go and then there's a cock in her bum. Doesn't make sense. Needs to be, I don't know, at the very least like she has an interest but doesn't think good girls do stuff like that. But she really wants to try, and it's all hot and forbidden for her."
"Do you have a porn addiction? Is this a cry for help?"
"Maybe and no, respectively. Or, like, the sister stories. Where she gets her brother in her butt. Now there-"
"That's not realistic. Sisters aren't getting fucked in the ass by brothers."
"Who the hell said anything about realistic? You need stories, is all. Stories and reality feed on each other, but they aren't the same by any means."
Xander was quiet for a long moment. I worried I'd said something I shouldn't, or that he was too drunk. He hadn't had any more than me, though, so he shouldn't be too far gone.
"Maybe... maybe she's a little sister type," he said.
My eyes went wide and I carefully set my glass down before leaning closer on the couch. "Little sister?" I asked, smile forming on my lips.
"Type. That type. Like all cute and innocent, but also horny."
"Uh huh. But you described her as 'little sister'. Don't think I didn't catch that."
"No, obviously I know you caught that. Don't get all excited over it."
"Too late."
"Plus it's an anal thing. So, like, not whatever your fantasy is."
"I'd do anal."
"No you wouldn't."
"Why would you say that? I've been very clear about being open to trying stuff."
"You also don't cum easily from most things."
"Yeah. So? The one doesn't preclude the other."
"... have you done butt stuff? With Brendan?"
"Not with him, no. Just on my own."
"How much on your own?"
"Enough."
"How much is enough?"
I shrugged. "I've got a sense of it. I could take a cock, I think. For the right guy. A... big brother type, let's say."
"Uh huh."
"It's not as big a deal as people make it out to be."
"You haven't done it for real."
"Says who? Like I need some boy to make it count? Get over yourself."
"Fingering your butt is not the same as-"
"I've done more than that."
"Like what?"
I grinned wickedly. The alcohol wasn't helping my sense of propriety any, but honestly I was thrilled that Xander was taking an interest in me sexually. Not in the sense of wanting to really do anything with me, but enough to be exciting.
"Want me to show you?"
Xander actually considered before slowly shaking his head. "That... would be taking it way too far, wouldn't it?"
"Most definitely."
"And yet you offered. Was that for real?"
"Yep."
"Seriously."
"Yuuup."
Xander peered at me suspiciously. "What exactly would you show me if I asked?"
"You have to ask to find out."
"You know I can't risk it."
"I strongly suspect you'd wuss out, sure."
"It's not wussing out. I'm married."
"Ah. So nothing to do with me being your sister then. Interesting."
"That too. Obviously that."
"Not so obvious. You forgot."
"I didn't."
"Did."
"No. Just, like, we can't."
"I know."
"Good."
Xander drank deeply from his wine. I probably should have cut him off. Both of us, really. But I didn't. I couldn't. I was enjoying this way too much.
He drank some more. I drank some more. A dangerous game of drunk chicken.
"You know how long it's been seen I've watched porn?" Xander mumbled.
"How the hell would I know that?"
"Beth says you're not supposed to do it when you're married."
"Ooooh." I cracked up laughing.
"It's not funny."
"It so is! You marry her 'cause she puts out, then-"
"That's not why I married her."
"Then why?"
Xander carefully set his glass down. It took me a moment to realize he was crying. To be fair, it wasn't an obvious cry. Just some tears streaming down his cheeks. Hardly any sobbing or anything to go with.
"I don't know," he said, his voice cracking. "I just thought it made sense."
"No you didn't. We talked about it. You knew you didn't want it."
"I would have lost her if I didn't marry her."
"And you still lost her."
"No. Yes. No. I have her. But... she's not who she was. She's different. You know she wants kids?"
"Sure. Brings it up every now and then."
"I can't have kids, Kase. Jesus."
"Oh? I thought you half wanted them."
"Says who?"
"You've been pretty wicked on the fence about them."
"I don't think that's true."
"It is. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't."
"Make things up why don't you."
"I could. You're too drunk to properly call me on it."
"M'not."
"Yuh huh."
Xander shook his head sloppily. "Nope."
"Yep."
"You wish I was drunk. Then you could... do things to me."
"Like what?"
"Kiss me. You'd kiss me so much."
"I would, would I?"
"Mmhm."
"Would you like that?"
"It'd be nice. But bad. Don't do."
My heart fluttered. "Nice, huh?"
"Mmhm. Don't do!"
"Real mixed signals there, bro bro."
"M'being very clear."
"No. You're not." I sighed heavily. "I'ma have to put you to bed pretty soon."
"No! Stay."
"Of course I'm staying. How the hell would I ever get home like this? Can't take your car, and you certainly can't drive me."
"Lily."
"Oh. Yeah. Fair point."
"She's nice. You should date her."
I snorted. "Oh wow. You're getting to be right out of it, huh? Thought I was keeping up better than that."
Xander snickered. "You drink like a girl."
"Ok. First of all, sexist. Second of all, you can't hold your wine worth shit, so don't get into it with me."
"Had a lot."
"That's... true."
Xander looked up at me with a moment's pure clarity. The look in his eyes electrified me.
"Kase, can we kiss? I really liked last time."
"That was so long ago."
"I think about it sometimes."
I tingled inside. "Me too."
"Can we?"
"It's kinda cheating."
"I know."
"Not right."
"I know."
"We shouldn't do that to Beth."
"Uuuggghhh. Fuck you and your... morals... and shit."
I patted Xander's head. "Good attitude. Well done. Let's get you some water."
****
I spent the night. Part of it in bed with Xander, but not nearly in any kind of secret or sexy way as I might have liked. He just fell asleep partly on top of me, was all, and for a time I thought maybe I kind of liked it.
But no. He was passed out. There was nothing really to be gained from it. No cute little moments or anything. Just some obnoxious snoring.
At least Lily was proud of me. I wasn't convinced I'd handled anything at all correctly.
"No but you did, though," she said. "You didn't help him cheat. That's pretty good."
"He wanted me to kiss him. And I said no."
"I mean, the cheating thing, remember. Plus he was drunk."
"Argh. True. But... yeah, no. He was drunker than I was. Not a good look."
"Exactly. What would it even mean like that?"
"Stop making good points! But yeah. Wouldn't have been worth it. Not like that."
"Correct. Stop beating yourself up. You did great. Like, way better than a lot of my friends would in similar situations."
"... getting drunk with their brothers and making out with them?"
"Not that similar."
"Oh."
"You didn't make out thought, right?"
"No. Alas."
"Good. Thought I'd missed something."
"I might have an excuse to show him my butt next time. If he remembers. And goes along with it."
"Well there, see? Some good came of it all."
"How sarcastic are you being?"
"Like a solid seven, probably. You're gonna show Xan your butt?"
"If it seems like it'll play ok, maybe."
"Why?"
"To prove I'm better at anal than he thinks."
Lily was silent a moment. "Your relationship is something uniquely special, huh?"
"You could say that."
"Please don't try fucking your ass in front of your brother. It's not the power move you think it is."
"Ok, obviously I wasn't going to go that far."
"How far, then?"
"Well... just drop my panties and wait for him to chicken out, durr. Wave a dildo around like it's going up my butt, maybe. He'd never actually watch me do anything."
"So you think."
"Ok, so maybe it's all a stupid idea and I know it, ok?"
"Good."
"It made more sense when I wasn't entirely sober."
"When you were drunk off your tits?"
"I was not that drunk. And also, how drunk would you have to be for-"
"Don't ask me. I don't know what tits have to do with anything."
"Well you said it."
"And I regret everything."
"Yeah. Me too."
****
Chapter Ten: Kasey at Twenty-Seven
****
"Your brother's divorce is taking a toll," Mom said.
"I know."
"Then I don't know why you keep smiling so much."
I forced my lips back to neutrality for a moment, but it didn't stick. "Come on. It's gonna be good for him. He'll be happier."
"You know that?"
"Yes."
"I'm not convinced."
"Trust me. Once he gets over Beth, Xan'll be way happier. She's only holding him down."
"That's not nice."
"Hey, she's the ex now. You're allowed to be petty toward her."
"It's amicable. They may stay friends."
"It's less spiteful than most. That's not the same as amicable. You know she was screaming at Xan that she's gonna be too old to have kids and it's all his fault wasting her time like that?"
Mom winced. "No. Did she?"
"Mmhm. I mean, what the hell, though? You'd think she'd make sure they were on the same page about kids if that's all she wanted."
"It wasn't all she wanted."
"No. But a big part of it, though."
"Perhaps."
"I don't think Xan wants kids at all."
"Maybe he's just not there yet. Some people take longer than others to settle down."
"Kids aren't just about 'settling down' Mom. There's way more to it than that."
"You'll understand some day."
"Doubt it. I'm not having any."
"Since when?"
"We've had this talk."
"I think I'd remember."
"You just forgot. Probably got too excited thinking Xan was gonna have kids. Ok, well, right. I'm not having kids. There, had the talk. Again."
Mom sighed. "Yes, it's all coming back to me. Somehow I'd forgotten."
"You actually knew I wasn't before I told you, if I recall."
"Yes, I'd forgotten. You were right. I got excited over Xander and Beth." Mom drummed her fingers and eyed me. "But you've changed over the years. Maybe-"
"Don't take that tone with me, Mom. It's not happening."
"The right boy. That's all it takes."
"Not in my case."
"Why not?"
"Xan's the right boy. And for a variety of reasons, kids are not on the table."
Mom rolled her eyes. "Ok, yes you'd be good together. If you weren't both my kids, obviously. But that doesn't mean you need to give up on finding someone for real."
"Enh. Might just move in with Xan and start a life together and-"
"Kasey!"
"Lots of sibs do it, Mom. The spinster aunt types."
"Xander can't be an aunt. And neither of you can, for that matter, if neither of you has children."
"Well played. You've really outfoxed me on that one. Guess I'd best go get preggers with some random idiot then."
"Don't be crude, dear."
"No really. Unprotected sex with multiple strangers here I come!"
Mom sighed. "Whatever did I do to deserve such wonderful and loving children?"
"You're just lucky I guess."
****
"So it's done?"
Xander nodded wearily. "It's done."
"Official?"
"Official."
"Nice."
I offered my closed fist to be bumped. Xander just rolled his eyes at me.
"It was all pretty brutal. I thought getting married was too complicated. Turns out getting unmarried is worse."
"Yeah? Why was it so bad anyway? Thought it was just, like, signing some papers and done."
"In theory. Reality got more complicated."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. We both maybe got a little petty about some stuff."
"I thought it was all supposed to be pretty friendly. As these things go."
Xander shrugged. "It was. Doesn't mean there wasn't still some pettiness involved."
"Ah. Well remind me never to get married then."
"Don't have to. Marriage between siblings is rather frowned upon."
I grinned. "Oh really. You proposing already?"
"I just said-"
"I heard you. But it means you were thinking about me and you, huh?"
"That's not what it means."
"Yeah it is. I never brought it up, did I?" I tossed my head flippantly. "Who says I'd even want to marry you?"
"Seriously?"
"I don't need no man holding me down."
"You've been pining after me since... forever."
"Nope. I'm all emotionally mature and shit these days."
"You wish you were."
"I am."
"So... you're not interested in me anymore?"
"Oh I definitely am. Can't seem to shake that whole thing. But I'm content to just be sibs. I can live with that."
Xander drummed his fingers thoughtfully. "You know... weirdly this is probably the time in my life when I could most use you being obsessed with me."
"Didn't time that very well, did you?"
"Apparently not."
"You'll be fine. Get right back to dating loads of girls and banging 'em."
"There have never been 'loads of girls'."
"Sure there have. Used to always have someone to mess around with. I remember."
"Yeah. You remember through the eyes of a jealous sister, maybe."
"That's-"
"Despite your hangups, you've never been that far behind me."
"I've been way behind everyone."
"Not hardly. That thing you had with Brendan, for instance? That wasn't nothing. If not for Beth, you would have had a longer and healthier relationship than I ever did. And actually you may well have me beat on healthier, as it turns out."
"We split up."
"Sure. But not after an ill-advised marriage."
"I advised against it, for the record."
"Yes. I remember."
I squirmed uncertainly. "I don't know, though. I've been broken so long-"
"You were never broken, Kase."
"Yeah I was. Am. There's stuff I don't like. I wanna be with my brother. That's not normal."
"That's the best argument you got?"
"Shut up. I can do better."
"No you can't. You've figured stuff out. It shows." Xander shrugged. "Maybe that's just all it was. Maybe you're a late bloomer, is all."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."
"Well... you... might have a point. Maybe."
"Damn straight I might."
It actually made me kind of anxious to think that I was swinging around to being something like normal. I didn't know what to do with it. Xander at least kind of made sense.
And when I thought about it, maybe a big part of my problem had been trying to force things that shouldn't be forced. Maybe I should have just let things happen slower for me.
But then, too, maybe if I hadn't forced some things, maybe I wouldn't know all the things about myself that I knew, and maybe I'd be worse off.
Life. So friggin' complicated.
****
"So you guys gonna hook up now or what?" Lily asked.
"Can't imagine so."
"Dang."
"What's that mean?"
Lily shrugged. "I guess I'm kinda rooting for you. I dunno."
"We can't actually be together, you know."
"You're both single."
"He's still my brother."
"That's never bothered you. Don't act like I don't know that."
"Well... I know we shouldn't though. We both do. Doesn't matter if... if we're both available, and maybe kinda lonely, and it'd be pretty great, and... stuff."
"That's a really compelling argument."
"Shut up."
"I think you should at least give it a go."
"What, you think I haven't?"
"Not when it counted."
"When does it count."
"Now. It counts now."
"Oh gee, so specific."
Lily shrugged. "Just sayin'."
"Just you wait until you have a weird, unfortunate crush going on. Then see how I prod you about it. Won't be so fun then."
"If I ever fall for my brother, I'll be sure to let you know."
"You haven't got a brother."
"I know. Makes me a lot safer."
"Just wait until I knock up your mom. Then we'll see who's laughing."
Lily cracked up. "What, like a brother thirty years younger than me is gonna be a romantic problem? Bish, please."
"Good to know that's the only problem you have with me fucking your mom."
Lily patted my hand. "Honestly, if you can swing it, you have my blessing."
"You're a weird girl, Lil."
"Thanks."
****
"You know going out with you is the thing I look forward to these days?" Xander said.
"What, you only now look forward to it?"
"No, I mean I always did. But, like, it's so super obvious now that it's the best thing I got going on. I think it was for a lot of the time I was with Beth. I just didn't realize it then."
"Yeah. Sex complicates that stuff."
"Believe it or not, it really does."
"I know. I just said that."
"Yeah, but not in a tone like you fully believed it."
"I don't know. Sex is complicated. Sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad ways. But it's complicated."
"Some people don't think so."
"Some people are idiots though. They end up with STIs and babies and shit and are like 'oh no how did this happen?' and it's like... durrr."
"True."
"At least you didn't make a baby with Beth."
"That's a very good point. That coulda been horrible."
"Coulda been."
Xander fidgeted with his coffee cup. "Kase?"
"Yeah?"
"You ever think about these kinda being like dates?"
I tensed slightly, in a fluttery kind of way. "Do you think they are?"
"Well... they kind of are, right? They're kinda basically like what dates are. Except with a lot of talking, mostly, and no kissing and stuff."
"I think that's just how being friends works, mostly."
"Right, sure."
Xander was still fidgety.
"What are you really thinking?" I asked.
"God, I don't know. I'm all confused. Maybe I need some for real, actual dates."
"Probably."
"But... I don't know how to get them."
"... beg pardon?"
"I don't!"
"You absolutely do."
"No I mean, I thought I did. I used to. But now all of a sudden I want to and just... can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't know! Maybe I'm getting too old. Maybe I wasted my best years already."
"You're not even thirty yet."
"I'm getting close." Xander shrugged miserably. "Maybe my youth was the main thing I had going for me."
I snorted. "Your youth. Right. Nah, dude. It's easier when you're younger, but just like 'cause everyone's durdling around looking for something. People get more set as they get older. Dating pool gets smaller and more complicated."
"Yeah. That's part of it, probably."
"You might just have to work at it more."
"Maybe. Maybe I should just give up though."
I rolled my eyes. "Seriously?"
"Yeah. It just feels bad with all the rejection and lack of interest and lack of options and whatever."
"Uh huh." I stood up, carefully walked around to Xander's side of the table, bent down, and kissed him. I didn't hold it long, but enough to register it properly. "Call this a date, then," I said softly. "Get some confidence back."
He stared at me, stunned and fighting a smile. "That doesn't count."
"What, you need a longer kiss?"
"That-"
"'Cause you'd have to earn it. This was your only freebie."
"My only one, huh?"
"Yep."
"So if I tried to kiss you again right now-"
I danced back lightly, just out of his range. "Don't even think about it."
Xander stood and advanced on me. I skipped back again, smiling broadly at him.
"I thought about it," he said.
"Too bad you're so old. You'll never catch me."
Xander made an indignant noise and lunged for me. I darted away and out the front door. He was still after me, so I ran.
I was laughing, somehow keeping ahead of Xander despite not taking my flight all that seriously. Maybe it was just because he was trying to maintain some level of decorum and I wasn't. He shouldn't have bothered. Half-assing chasing his sister down was worse than just going for it as far as dignity was concerned.
He caught me eventually. Of course he did. I would have had to make sure if he didn't manage it on his own. But it was more of a thrill when it was for real, and his hands were on me, arresting my progress all at once.
I breathed hard and shallow from my brief run, but more so from feeling Xander's grip on me, reeling me in.
"Does this count as earning it?" he asked.
"There's so many people around," I replied softly.
"So?"
"So you're gonna kiss your sis in front of them."
"They don't know."
"We do."
Xander nodded, but it only made him hesitate for a second. He pulled me even closer and kissed me.
Fuck it was a good kiss. Like out of a romantic movie. The kind of kiss where the world stops and the camera pans around while triumphant music plays. The kind where I got all melty and wanted to fall into Xander's arms and let him carry me away... somewhere.
It was right up there with our kiss back from before his wedding. That one perfect kiss I thought I'd get. This one was perhaps a little less spontaneous, but the buildup to it was fun and beautiful in its own right.
I was sent right back to my days of pining over my brother, and my memories of curling up and replaying the kiss in my head over and over. Only this was fresh and real. Actually happening. Doing all the things to me that nothing else could match. Shooting thrills and tingles all through me.
I was even more breathless afterward. I gazed at Xander with wide, adoring eyes as he stared right back, searching for my reaction.
"Maybe I shouldn't have done that," he said.
"No, you definitely should have."
I reached over and caressed his cheek, brushing it with my thumb. He leaned into my touch ever so slightly.
"I'm very confused," he said.
"I know." I kissed him again, just soft and quick. "It's a confusing time. Mostly for you. But generally."
"Are you confused?"
"No. Uncertain, maybe."
"About what?"
"Same things as you, probably. More or less. And probably some things that you haven't considered."
"What makes you think I haven't considered those things?"
"Because I've thought about stuff like this way more than you have."
"Oh. Yeah, probably, huh."
"Definitely. Plus, you're kinda on the rebound. Fogs the mind."
"I don't think I am."
"You hundred percent are. And I'm not getting too invested until I know you're over it."
"Tell that to our kiss just now."
I blushed and looked away for a second. "Told you. Freebie."
"No, the first one was a freebie. The long one was... something else."
"Yeah, well, that's your fault." I poked my finger into Xander's chest.
"Not hardly. I only accept half the blame for that. Don't think I missed how hard you were kissing back."
I flushed even warmer. Of course he knew. And yeah, I was easily as much to blame as he was. But we had to be smarter than that. I certainly did. There was way, way too much at stake.
"You're right," I said. "But for real, Xan, we need to be careful."
He nodded slowly. "True."
"And... and I definitely need to know what's going on with you before I let us do anything else."
"Even if I wanted to kiss you more?"
It was the hardest thing I'd probably ever done to press a hand to Xander's chest and take a full step back to put him at literal arm's length. "Please don't," I whispered. "Not right now."
"Yeah. Yeah ok." Xander swiped a hand through his hair. "You're probably right. I think maybe partly... partly I'm just looking for something. And I knew I could get it from you. That's not fair."
"It's not."
"Sorry."
"It's ok. I knew what I was doing."
"I don't want to do stuff like that. Especially... god, especially not to you."
"I know." I smiled humourlessly and patted Xander's chest. "You just need some time. And some thinking."
"That's all I've had lately. Even before Beth and I were officially done."
"Take some more."
"Ugh."
"I know. But... seriously."
"Yeah. You're right." Xander struggled with something for a moment. "Can we still go out again maybe next week?"
My lips quirked into something more like a real smile. "As siblings? Or as a date?"
"... I don't know yet. Maybe both."
I tingled a little, but tried not to let it show. "Let's hope both." I held up a warning finger. "But if it's at all datey, it's only gonna be innocent, yeah?"
"Yeah. Of course. You're my sis-ter. What else would it be?"
I couldn't decide how best to answer that question, and decided it was best just not to say anything.
****
"Holy shit, for real?"
I nodded at Lily's reflection in the mirror, trying and failing to hold back a goofy smile. I focused hard on getting my subtle makeup just right in an effort to control my reactions.
"Yep," I said.
"Like... a for real date though?"
"We're gonna give it a try. We've been working toward it."
"Oh my god!" Lily squealed and hugged me from behind. "This is fucking exciting!"
"You're telling me?"
"I've been waiting so long for this."
"And you think I-"
"No no, I know it's been even longer for you. But... ah!"
Lily was vibrating. Actually physically shaking her arms to release nervous energy as she paced around behind me.
"We kinda just kept our little coffee dates going," I said. "Seeing how it went. But, like, I think we're ready for more."
"What does 'more' mean? Like... fun times?"
"We're taking it slow, Lil. We have to."
"I can't believe the patience you have. I woulda jumped him as soon as the divorce was signed."
"One doesn't simply jump one's brother."
"You could have. I've seen the way he's been looking at you lately. He woulda let you take him to bed any time you wanted."
I had to put my makeup away. It was as good as it was gonna get. The way Lily was winding me up, I could only make things worse at this point.
"You think I'm gonna take him to bed?"
"I'm saying you could. I'm surprised you haven't. That's all."
"You know... it's probably good this didn't happen a few years ago. I probably would have by now."
"Why is that good."
"Seriously?"
"Ok, yeah. It's good. You're right. Ugh. I just want... I want you to get him, Kase. You've wanted him forever."
I clenched my fist for a second, just trying to do something with all the nerves Lily was firing up in me.
"That's why I gotta be so careful," I said quietly. "It'd be so easy to fuck everything up. I'm still not a hundred percent sure Xan's not just rebounding on me. He knows he was kinda doing it. It's not just me."
"It'd never be totally just a meaningless fling. You have to know that."
"I know."
"Good. Xan loves you."
"I know that too."
"You two are perfect for each other."
"I don't know about perfect..." I smiled slow and wide at myself in the mirror. "But pretty good, right?"
"So good!" Lily clapped her hands on my shoulders and stood behind me. "Get him, Kase. He's all yours."
"Would you please stop being the devil on my shoulder?"
"Not likely."
"I've learned a lot. I'm patient. I want to do this right, if it's going to happen at all. I don't need-"
"Whoa, what was that?"
"I-"
"Do you think it might not happen?"
"That's a possibility with dating."
"But... but... even with Xan?"
I put my hand up to my shoulder, patting Lily's fingers. "If it's not right, then yeah. I have to somehow be strong enough to recognize it. I don't know if he'd see that right now. That makes things trickier, and even more important that I'm smart about it."
"What the hell happened to the lost little sister ready to do anything for her brother?"
"She grew up some, Lil. Maybe not enough, but some."
Lily sighed and rested her chin on my shoulder. "You do rather kill the romance of it all, you know."
"Sorry."
"Please just fall in love with each other and live happily ever after."
"I will certainly do my best."
"That's all I ask."
****
It was a proper fancy restaurant and everything. Like we were real adults on a real date. Which, in fact, we were.
As much as I hated this need I had to go slow and really evaluate where we both were at, I had to admit it added a certain necessary something to dating my brother. I could have just gone with my feelings and let passion dictate my actions, but in some ways this was better.
It meant sitting across from Xander over candlelight for the very first time was nerve-wracking in a way that I never would have thought he could make me feel. My mind was whirring along like crazy. I was nervous like a girl out for the very first time with a boy she super liked but didn't know that well.
I knew Xander. Knew him as well as anyone could know anyone else. And yet I was nervous and anxious and excited, and too many other things to keep track of.
"So this is kinda weird, huh?" Xander said.
"A little."
"But... good, I think."
"Me too. The wine's nice."
"And... you look nice."
I blushed and took another sip, making eyes at Xander over the rim of my glass. "Thanks," I mumbled.
We sat in awkward silence for a moment.
"Is it just me, or is this harder than it should be?" Xander asked.
"It's not just you."
"But why, though? It should be so easy."
"'Cause it's for real."
"What?"
"Yeah. It's a real date. Our first one."
"It's not. We've had loads."
"Transitions from just hanging out. They weren't full dates. They weren't at fancy-pants places like this. They weren't all dressed up, with people around to see us and know we're... well, doing whatever it is we're doing."
"Dating," Xander said softly.
My tummy fluttered a little more helplessly every time I was reminded of it. "Yeah. That."
"I was so nervous before picking you up tonight."
"Pff. I'm still crazy nervous."
"Yeah?"
"You kidding me? Of course I am."
"Ok, good. Me too." Xander tapped at his silverware, then had to forcibly restrain his anxious fidgeting. "I couldn't stop thinking about this. About you."
"Jeez, it's just a date," I teased even while my tummy was flipping out on me.
"With my sister."
I sucked in a sharp breath. "True."
"And, like, I don't know if there's ever been so much riding on a date for me before. I never used to care."
"Yeah, well, just think of it like the old days. This goes bad, you can always find another girl to go out with."
"You know that's not true."
"We can't be too stuck on this working, Xan. We need to be ok if it doesn't."
"... what the hell happened to you? Seriously. With the being all mature and stuff about this."
"I'm not, really. But I'm getting better at faking it."
"Ha, yeah, ok." Xander took a deep breath. "I think maybe partly I'm nervous because... because I think I might be more invested in this than you."
"Well we both know that's not true. I've had ten years or more waiting for this."
"Exactly. You've had all that time to figure things out. To think about stuff and come to terms with it."
"You've had lots too. You've known about me for quite some time."
"That's different from feeling it."
I sat a little straighter, all on edge. "Feeling what?" I asked breathlessly.
Xander fussed with his silverware again, avoiding direct eye contact for a moment. "Feeling what you feel. Those same things."
"How do you know?"
He looked straight at me. "Because I haven't been able to get you out of my head."
"You... haven't?"
"Do you even know how insane I've gone?"
"I have an inkling, sure."
"No but for real. You remember that first time we kissed?"
"You think I'd forget that?"
"No, but I wasn't sure it meant as much for you as for me."
"You kidding me?"
"I'm not. Kase, that moment was with me all through my marriage."
"... so I'm a homewrecking little sister now?"
"No. Not hardly. That's all on me. I'm just saying... fuck. What am I saying? I just mean, like, you finding me that day. That kiss. That's what I thought about. Other stuff too, but mainly that. And then... I wanted more. I still want more. I think about you and... and it's bad, Kase. So bad."
I clenched my fingers. My toes balled up tight. I fought with every single muscle in me to maintain an illusion of holding it together. My head was swimming, and not from the wine.
"It was a good fucking kiss," I agreed.
"The best. I never... I honestly never had one that made me feel so good. Except that one with you on our... date. Our pretend date."
"It was partly real." I leaned forward, still tense, but resting my elbows on the table and trying to pretend like I could cope. "You don't know what those kisses did to me."
"I do. That's what I'm saying. They were worse for me."
"Doubt it."
"Kase, they made me realize the same things I think you already knew."
"Such as?"
"Such as, like, maybe it's always been you, and I was way too slow figuring it out."
I brushed my hair back on one side. My fingers trembled too much to even do a good job of it.
"That's a hell of a line."
"It's not a line. I dated girls 'cause it felt nice and it's what I supposed to do. And I got married 'cause... well it didn't feel right, but again it was what I was supposed to do. And you were there falling for me like you're not supposed to do. And somehow I think you got it right."
"Arguable."
Xander took a deep breath. "This date doesn't feel right. And that's only 'cause we're both all tense and stuff. Or at least I am."
"Oh I definitely am."
"Maybe we put too much pressure on it."
"Agreed."
"But I want to try it again, Kase. I want to find what works for us. Because... I really, really want this to work. If I'd been smart, I would have run off with you before I was married."
I snorted. "You didn't want me then."
"I did. Just that I didn't know it. I kissed you and it made me feel so good for that moment. So free. So happy. Like everything could just be easy, and we could have what we wanted. Then I married Beth anyway."
"You did."
"I thought about you so much. I wanted to kiss you again."
"I remember."
"I think I know what you went through all those years. I'm sorry about that. But I don't want to do that. I just want... you."
I went for a sip of my wine to buy a few seconds, but realized in time that it was just as likely I'd spill the rest of the glass as get it safely to my lips.
Instead, I reached halfway across the table and took Xander's hand. He felt a little less trembly than me, but neither of us was in any great state of self-control.
"Well we'd best try this again, then," I said softly but firmly.
Xander smiled in relief. "Definitely."
"And maybe... maybe it was a good enough date that we still should kiss after."
"I think that's a good idea."
"I'll call Lily and see if she can pick us up."
"Why? Neither of us drank that much."
"I don't know about you, but I wouldn't trust myself to drive a straight line right now."
"Hm. Yeah. Fair."
****
Xander and I were fully making out by his car when Lily showed up. Like really quite aggressively. It had started out as just a nice, gentle kiss that slowly got deeper as we discarded our anxieties and just went for it.
It was something more primal than our previous attempts. Not the single moment of pure beauty that it could have been, but something needier and perhaps more meaningful in a different kind of way.
Xander had me pressed up against the side of his car, hands on my sides at first, slowly working down to my hips and up to my shoulders. I held him to me, encouraging him to press as tight as he wanted.
Our fondling was fairly innocent as these things went. Especially considering how fiercely our lips were locked, and the increasing ferocity of our tongues dancing with one another.
He could have touched me anywhere he wanted. Absolutely anywhere. But he didn't even go for the obvious boob or butt grab. I, likewise, mostly behaved myself with my hands, even though I would have been just as free to wander.
I was annoyed when a car pulled up next to us. Annoyed at the interruption. I wanted more time with Xander. More of him on me. Of his mouth and his hands. And, being hornily honest, the hardness I felt rubbing against my lower areas. I'd never in my life been so eager to grind right back on a boy. My panties were fucking soaked. I just wanted more.
"Excuuuse me," called a cheerful voice. "I'm looking for my friend and her bro-ther. You haven't seen them, have you?"
Xander and I somehow stopped, panting and breathless, still searching each other's eyes before finally wrenching our gazes to the side.
There sat Lily in her idling car. Cherubic face beaming over at us with the sort of innocence reserved for the very, very amused.
"You didn't let me know you were here," I said, unable to let go of Xander lest my legs give out on me without his support.
"I did, actually," Lily said.
"Your phone's been buzzing," Xander confirmed.
"It has?"
"Yeah."
"Oh. Why didn't you say?"
"Are you kidding?"
I blushed and tried taking a tentative step away from Xander. I didn't fall over. That was a good sign.
"How drunk did you two get?" Lily asked.
"Not hardly at all, really," I said. "Don't think we even made it to a second glass."
"Seriously? And you're still making out like this in the parking lot?"
"Shhh."
"What? It's not like anyone else here knows you're sib-"
"Shush!" I tugged at Xander. "Come on."
"And why am I picking you up anyway? I thought you must have-"
I flung open the back door on Lily's car and climbed in. Xander was right behind me. He fell partly on top of me, probably on purpose, and we spent a long moment giggling and pretending to try and get ourselves straightened out, while in fact just getting some sneaky feels in.
"Hey! This is not that kind of car, you two," Lily protested. "This is me graciously picking you two up so you don't crash on the way home. Although with you guys not being drunk I still don't get why."
"Go on a date with your brother sometime," I said, giving Xander a last kiss before buckling myself in. "Then maybe you'll get it."
"That kind of only works for you."
"Well then... I don't know. Meet the right girl, maybe. One who does things to you."
"Does things to me? Like-"
"Not dirty things. I mean, like... like basically makes you drunk just 'cause you're with her."
Xander looked at me. "Is that what I do?"
"Tonight you did. And you know it, 'cause you're in no better shape than I am."
Xander grinned. "True."
We were under way, but Xander ignored that and undid his seatbelt. He scooted over next to. I raised my chin defiantly, like I wasn't going to submit to more kisses, but I was fooling no one.
"Hey! Back in your seat!" Lily said.
We ignored her. Xander's lips were on mine. His tongue brushed between them. My arms went around him. Fuck, why was this so good? And how the hell were we just gonna do this in front of Lily?
Then again, she'd seen everything anyway. What was a little more?
****
I woke up next to my brother.
It took a moment for the realization to sink in, but when it did I smiled so wide it almost hurt. I would have curled up tighter with him, but for the fear of disturbing him. The longer Xander stayed asleep, the better.
For a time, I just watched him. I felt his close presence, listened to his soft breaths, and studied his peaceful face.
My bladder, having awakened me the first place, protested my inaction. I ignored it to the level best of my abilities, but I could only get away with that for so long.
Only with great reluctance did I finally slip away from Xander and patter off to the bathroom.
Lily was waiting for me when I stepped back out. Apparently her senses were tingling. Or she'd been specifically waiting for me to get up. One or the other.
"Sooo?"
I tried to brush past her, to no avail.
"So what?"
"Don't be coy. The state you're in, it doesn't work even a little."
I swiped at my hair. I'd seen a brief reflection of myself and my generally rumpled appearance, but hadn't cared even slightly until just now.
"Xan?
"Of course Xan. What happened?"
My smile beamed out cautiously, bringing along a faint, mildly embarrassed flush of my cheeks.
"He's still sleeping," I said softly.
Lily's eyes widened, then narrowed again as she swept them up and down me. "I almost got excited there for a second. But you're still wearing the same thing you were last night. More or less. It never came off, did it?"
I tried to smooth out my dress. Lily was correct. Neither Xander or I had lost our clothes last night. Well, maybe a few things.
"It was just sleeping," I said.
"No it wasn't."
"Ok, there was some kissing, maybe."
"Some? The way you two were going at it in the car, I can only imagine what happened when you were alone."
"Yeah, I bet you imagined."
"How exciting did it get? Tell me!"
I blushed deeper and tried not to think of my lack of panties under my dress. That wasn't really for naughty reasons so much as they'd just been too fucking wet to sleep in comfortably, and I'd kicked them off at some point.
"I'm amazed I could sleep at all," I said.
"Mmhm. But you did."
"Yep."
"And Xan did."
"Mmhm."
"Did he need... help with that?"
Lily made a jerking off gesture with her hand.
"Would you stop. None of your business."
"Of course it's my business." Lily wrapped her arms around me in a surprise hug. "Mmm, I'm so happy for you anyway. Whatever you got up to."
"Lots of kissing. Lots." I started melting again just thinking about it. "And some feeling. Actually lots of that too."
"I bet."
"Mostly PG."
"Really?"
"I mean... kinda."
"Somehow I bet no one watching would have classified it as nearly so innocent."
I squirmed some, finally pushing Lily away. "It wasn't. Oh my god it wasn't. Lil, I've never been so horny in my life."
Lily beamed excitedly. "That a girl!"
"I mean, it really wasn't anything too crazy naughty or anything. But oh my god though. It did things to me..." I shook my head. "Shit, you know in porn and stuff and the girls supposedly get all drenched and want it so bad?"
"I'm familiar."
"... personally or in porn?"
Lily just grinned.
"Ok, well, I think I got it. For the very first time. I understood it."
"See, there ya go."
"But it took making out with my brother."
"Well yeah. You need the right person. That's what it's all about."
"And that's Xan?"
"You know it is. Why are you even asking that? He's been the right guy for... what, like a decade or something?"
I grinned shyly. "Yeah. I guess that's right, huh."
"Damn straight."
"It was so gooood."
"I bet."
"Like oh my god, though. How am I supposed to be all chill and take it slow and... and..."
"Breathe, Kase. You're doing fine."
"I just wanna jump back in bed with him."
"That's good."
"It's not! I don't just... jump into bed with guys. With any of them. And, like, where's my control?"
"Just enjoy it. Seriously. Have fun. It's Xan. You don't need to date. You know each other as well as you ever will."
"I mean... ok, yeah. Sure. But-"
"No buts. Get back in there. Be a slutty li'l sis. Enjoy yourself."
I gasped in indignation even as I allowed Lily to shoo me back to my room. "You know I was trying to get back anyway before you waylaid me."
"I needed to know what was happening."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did. Now go. Stop arguing."
I stood back in my room, door safely shut behind me, Lily on the other side. I stared at Xander for a moment and wondered if I dared change my clothes. Crawling back in while still wearing my dress didn't sound like the best, but I didn't quite dare strip down to undies. Especially with my panties jettisoned the night before.
Fully changing into maybe, like, a sleep shirt or something might make sense. With or without panties depending on how bold I felt.
I slipped out of my dress and what few underclothes remained. I took a moment to purge my face of the tactical makeup I'd applied the day before. It shouldn't have been left on overnight, but something about falling asleep with my brother had distracted me from dealing with it.
After cleansing my face and throwing on what I considered my cutest baggy sleep shirt, I turned around and found Xander lazily staring right at me.
I tutted indignantly and put my hands on my hips. "How the hell long have you been awake?"
"Long enough."
"And you just watched me change?"
"Well... it seemed like a shame not to."
"I wasn't ready for you to see me... naked."
Xander shrugged, clearly not about to be ashamed of his choice. And in all honesty, I was more secretly thrilled than I was upset. In a nervous kind of way, granted, since I really hadn't been prepared for it, and being naked for someone new was never the easiest thing. Even Xander. Maybe especially him.
"To be fair, I only saw you from the back," he said.
"Uh huh. Nothing in my mirror at all?"
"... maybe a few flashes of boob."
"Right."
Xander reached out a hand, beckoning me back toward him. "It all looked good."
"That's not even the point."
But it was, actually, and I wished I'd thought of some way to trick him into complimenting me more specifically.
"I'm sorry I peeked at you while you were naked right in front of me."
"You were sleeping!"
"I mean-"
"I thought you were sleeping!"
"Mmhm. And I appreciate it."
"Ugh. You're just the worst first thing in the morning, you know that?"
"Just wait until we do even naughtier things. Then see how insufferable I am."
Maybe panties would have been a good idea. Soaking them was far better than letting it all just run down my thigh. Probably. It wouldn't get that bad anyway, I hoped.
Or maybe I wanted to soak myself. I didn't know. I wasn't used to this. Even with Brendan, horniness had to be carefully coaxed out of me. Then there was fucking Xander who could lie there all rumpled and unapologetic and make me all confused and abuzz.
"What makes you think we're doing naughtier things?"
"Didn't you always say you'd basically do anything I wanted?"
"Ha! Is that what you think?"
"Well you said it."
"Mmhm. In my younger days. When I was such an innocent. Not at all capable of looking after myself. You missed your chance, Xan. I'm far cleverer these days."
"And yet you still accidentally got naked for me. How clever do-"
I growled and pounced on Xander. It shut him up for a few seconds, but didn't really accomplish much else. Except to get us rubbing and grinding on each other some, which was its own reward, really.
"I should never have let you in my bed already. You're just gonna be a little shit about it."
Xander laughed and rolled on top of me. He did it so easily, and only partly because I let him. As if I needed to be any wetter, or for the butterflies inside me to whirl any faster. It was simply unfair the way he could pin me down whenever he wanted, and just how little emotional defense I had for it.
"I'm just happy, is all," he said. He got close and gave my cheek some light kisses, eventually culminating in me turning my head so he'd kiss my lips instead.
"Of course you're happy. You've got someone to rub your dick on."
Xander grinned. "Sure. But it's not even about that. I just... fuck, Kase. I'm so much happier already. It's so much easier with you. And I don't mean sex-wise, 'cause that's still more complicated."
My heart pounded and I tried to squirm from under Xander. I didn't try very hard, though, and just ended up rubbing on his boner more than anything.
"You're happier, are you?"
"Yeah. So much. Aren't you?"
"Even without sex?"
"Mmhm. It's just, like, that stuff seemed so important before. With Beth. With Milly. Zoey. Anyone. It was always basically about sex as, like, the driving force, whether it was happening or not. And maybe it never should have been."
"Probably not."
"And then all these years with you, whenever we lived together or hung out or whatever, sex was never an issue."
"Couldn't be."
"Well... yeah, in a sense." Xander kissed me again. "It's just so nice, though. Not having to worry about it. Having a relationship built on lots of other stuff. Still wanting sex, but being ok if there isn't any."
"For real? All this and you'd be ok if we never fuck?"
It figured. He was the only boy who I'd ever been desperately horny for, and who I'd happily let seduce me into things. And now he decided he could do without sex if necessary. What the hell was that about?
And yet, there was something so sweet about it too. Knowing that I was different to him. Special. In a brand new kind of way from what I'd already known. It was so very conflicting.
"I really think I would, yeah."
"Tell that to your dick."
"Ha, yeah, ok. Maybe I should stop grinding on you, huh?"
"... well I didn't say that."
Xander bit his lip a second, and his rhythm hesitated, but he went right back to fully grinding on me like just the baddest big brother. Fuck I loved it.
Thank fuck he was still fully bepanted, because my shirt was not enough protection. He'd already pushed it up past my pussy, and was grinding on my thigh close enough to where he'd hit my soaked entrance sometimes, and even my clit. If I helped him out, he could be directly on it with every move. It took the resistance of a goddess not to move a little and make it happen.
"I'm probably gonna just cum in my pants here."
"Good. Do it."
"That's such a mess."
"Mmhm. But it'll be your mess and not mine, so that's fine."
"Mean."
"Practical."
I pressed back against Xander as best I could, giving him a little extra purchase for rubbing himself off on me. He groaned in a way that absolutely delighted me and only encouraged me to grind back on his cock.
The more I pressed to him, the more he rubbed on my thigh and missed my pussy altogether, but that was ok. I loved it. I was so into the little noises he made, and the increasing desperation of his thrusting. Especially the knowledge that I was helping my brother get off. That was a heady thought, and was keeping me on edge even without direct stimulation.
Xander eventually grunted differently and spasmed, and his rhythm went all to hell before he gave it up entirely.
"You came?" I asked.
He nodded. "Yep."
"In your pants?"
"Of course."
I grinned and gave him a lingering kiss. "Feel better?"
"Definitely. But also... kinda gross now. From the mess."
"Not from the questionable morality of getting off on your sister?"
"Not so much."
"Oh good."
I kissed him some more. I was definitely addicted to that part. There wasn't really any way I was giving up on the idea of sexier stuff, all in due time, but there'd be pure hell to pay if I ever had to give up on kissing Xander for any reason. That was non-negotiable at this point as far as I was concerned.
I began to regret getting Xander off, though. He wasn't grinding on me anymore, and I was still such a horny little thing. I wasn't used to this. To feeling my need so strongly, either alone or with someone.
"Do you need to get off too?" he asked.
"... maybe."
"You can't be more definite than that?"
"Do I need to be?"
"Kinda. Anyone else, I'd probably be trying to go down on you right about now. You... I mean, I know you don't always want certain things, and I don't want to put pressure on doing stuff you don't really want, and-"
Of all the times for a boy to be considerate about my lack of arousal. The one time I actually really needed some attention.
"Ok, I need it," I interrupted.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I'm horny as fuck, Xan."
He grinned with more than a little pride and a definite hint of smugness. "'Cause of me?"
"Well duh. No one else here."
He kissed me. He was still pinning me down. I couldn't get purchase to grind back on him the way I wanted, but boy was I trying.
"That's good for my ego," he murmured.
"Shush. It's not about you."
"Kinda is."
"Xaaannn, I'm horny, ok? Fucking just... just do stuff."
"Is that ok?'
"Yes!"
"You don't want to take it slower and-"
"You're fucking infuriating, you know that?"
"Just making sure. Consent is very important, you know. Good to be on the same page."
I was about ready to smack Xander, but he was already moving. Sliding down my body, in fact.
Instead of the anxiety and reluctance I might have felt under other circumstances, I just got more excited. I didn't know what he was going to try, but I knew it was going to be something dirty, and I was so ready for it.
God it was a weird feeling. Good. Exciting. Fun. But definitely weird.
I squirmed and clutched my hands up to my face. It was one of those moments where I wanted to both cover my eyes and see absolutely everything. I tried to wiggled my hips away from Xander, but it did nothing at all to stop him. He flipped my shirt up easily, baring my wet little pussy to him.
"Oh wow," he said.
"What? What's wrong?"
"Nothing. You're soaked, though."
"I'm not."
"You are. You must know that you are." Xander ran a finger across my slit, making me shiver.
"Ok. Maybe I do."
"It's nothing to be embarrassed about."
"Who says I'm embarrassed?"
"The fact that you're only barely looking at me."
"Shut up."
I grabbed a pillow and put it over my face, blocking Xander out. I still heard his laugh clearly.
Then his tongue was on me. He wasted no time at all burying his face in my snatch. Just going right for me. Apparently he thought it was ok. No warning or anything. No gentle working up to it. Gently teasing around the area. Just straight up licking my pussy.
It was, perhaps, the best feeling in the world. Our intense makeouts being the only real competition. In my horny state, being eaten out took the win, if only in the moment.
Xander pushed my legs farther apart. It wasn't quite the same feeling as being pinned down and grinded on, but it had a similar sensation of me being physically controlled for sexy purposes. And because it was Xander, it just made me wetter.
It was like he was lapping at a constant trickle of my arousal. I felt myself leaking more with every swipe of his tongue, replenishing what he stole.
Xander was clearly loving it. Not on the pure, visceral level I was, but he definitely was. Probably similar to how I enjoyed blowjobs sometimes. Only more so. His tongue was an enthusiastic little thing, flicking tirelessly over my clit and caressing the length of my aroused, puffy lips.
"Fuck you taste good," Xander whispered.
I tossed my pillow aside, daring to look down my body at my brother. "Well don't stop."
"You're enjoying it then?"
"Yeah."
Xander brushed his thumb over my clit, grinning up at me with a gleaming, wet chin. He dipped his head back down, lowering his mouth back to work, and sucked gently on my clit.
"Unfff," I moaned.
I let out more soft little noises, each one getting a pleased reaction from Xander. He'd be smug about it. Being the one to melt his frigid little sis and all. I was ok with that. For the way he was making me feel, he could be as smug about it as he damn well pleased.
"Yes yes yesss," I hissed.
My hand found the back of Xander's head, stroking and encouraging him. I just wanted more. I wanted to cum. I wanted to cum on a boy's face. Another new one for me. But oh god I wanted it so badly.
He was going to do it. It was right there, bubbling to the surface. That feeling that I always had to find for myself, in some capacity. But Xander could do it for me. My beloved big brother. All it took was some sibling makeouts and his fantastic, adoring tongue all over my pussy.
And holy shit it was a good one. Like the best of my toy-assisted orgasms, but with an actual emotional element to it that made it deeper than anything I could do to myself. Someone I loved who loved me back, and who truly wanted to get me off.
Xander kept licking me while my toes curled and I held him down hard against me. He just kept tonguing me. My body tensed, my pussy spasmed, and little thrills ran up through me. If not for him holding my thighs back, I probably would have shut them on his head. I was lost for a long moment, and not fully in control of myself. He had control. My brother. Taking over me by virtue of licking me out so damn good.
I luxuriated in the orgasm. There was nothing else to be done. Just enjoy it and the aftermath, and the physical closeness of my brother. Who was still licking me, for some reason, even if it was only just occasional soft little swipes at this point.
"Holy fuck," I breathed.
Xander lifted his face again, somehow not looking quite as smug as I'd expected.
"You came?"
"What, you couldn't tell?"
"No, I was pretty sure. I just wasn't convinced I'd be able to do it for you."
"You seemed to have it pretty well under control."
He kissed the inside of my thigh. "Not faking it then, huh?"
"Nope. Thank god. Faking it gets exhausting, and it's like what's the point after a while?"
He kissed me again. He was gonna have to stop teasing me down there, or I'd shove him right back into my snatch and make him go again.
Maybe I should just do that regardless...
Xander laid another couple kisses on me, then flipped my shirt back down as though modesty was any kind of concern at this point. He crawled back up and went for a proper kiss, which I only just barely fended off.
"Hey, no! Your face is all full of pussy!"
"Mmhm. Yours."
"I don't want that."
"Why not?"
"That's weird."
"How is that the weird part?"
"It obviously is."
Xander chuckled softly. "Please can I have a kiss?"
He was looking at me with those eyes. Those damn eyes I couldn't refuse. Why did he have to look at me like that while I was riding high and feeling so damn vulnerable to anything he wanted?
"Fine. One."
He grinned and kissed me. Honestly, I didn't taste that bad. Arguably, it was even pretty good. I already knew that. I'd tasted myself before, just out of curiousity. It was even better coming from his lips than my finger or something. And maybe it was even kind of hot getting a kiss from my brother's lips after he'd eaten me out and made me cum. Maybe.
Xander pushed it and kept trying to kiss me more. I giggled and pushed his face away, even when he kept coming back. We got to wrestling again, but having both cummed already, it was a sillier, less overtly sexual kind of play-fighting. Much less grinding on one another this time around.
"I should probably clean up," Xander said.
"Mmhm. Probably."
"Unless you want me to do it again?"
"Don't tempt me."
"It's a serious offer."
"I know." I gave Xander a shove. "Go have a shower or something."
"Ok."
He grinned and sneaked another kiss before rolling out of bed and leaving me alone.
I lay right where I was for some time after. I still felt good. Floaty. Euphoric. Like nothing was quite real.
I didn't really know what to do with any of it. I could easily have said yes to Xander. Let him eat me out again. Maybe multiple times. All morning, if his jaw didn't give out.
But it was probably best not to get carried away just yet. Wasn't it? Or was that silly? Was that just me scaring myself and not really knowing what to do with sex that I was actually really into?
Lily might have some thoughts. And I had to get back out of bed sooner or later. I was getting hungry.
"You two seemed to be having a good time," Lily said airily.
"Spying were you?" I accused, entirely unconcerned.
"No spying required, thank you very much." Lily grinned nearly as smugly as Xander. "I don't think I've ever heard you enjoying yourself so much."
I looked away. "You heard that?"
"Some. Enough."
"Oh."
"But it was good, right? Not disappointing?"
"Definitely not disappointing."
"Good."
I smiled shyly. "Really good," I confirmed.
"What'd you do?"
"None of your business."
"Tell me anyway."
I shrugged and kept silent for all of eight seconds. "He licked me."
"Ooh, good brother."
"Mmhm."
"And you..."
"Oh I didn't do much, really. He came from, uh, rubbing on me. While we were making out and stuff."
Lily laughed in delight. "I'm happy for you, Kase. Really happy."
"Me too."
"So how come you're not in the shower with him?"
I thought about it. It was tempting. Xander would be all naked and wet, and probably hard again. Or he would be if I joined him, at least.
"Shouldn't push it right now."
"The hell you say."
"I'm serious."
"Maybe. But you're wrong. You're in love. You have the one you want. Enjoy it. Don't be so afraid."
"That's... that's not as easy as you make it sound."
Lily sighed and came over to give me a hug. "You love each other, Kase. It's gonna be fine."
"I know. But... I don't know what I'm doing. I've never really wanted someone before. I've been ok with doing stuff. But I've never wanted to do stuff. Not, like, actively. I haven't been desperate for it."
"You're desperate now?"
"Kinda. Maybe."
"So roll with it. Do what you want."
"What if it's too much all at once?"
"For him or you?"
"... both?"
"Well, if it's too much for you, then stop when you want to. If it's too much for him... oh who are we kidding? It won't be. He's so into you it's kinda painful."
"It's not quite that bad."
"Yeah it is." Lily smacked my butt and sent me yelping off toward the bathroom. "Go get him. I mean it!"
"I already did once. Stop trying to run my love life!"
"Then don't make me step in, how 'bout that? Get going!"
I sneaked into the bathroom, butt cheek still fresh off of Lily's sharp smack. As much as I wanted to be in charge of my own relationship, I was pretty sure I also wanted an excuse to let myself go and enjoy the present. If it took Lily bossing me around a little, then so be it.
"Kase?" Xander asked cautiously, apparently noting my entry.
"It's me," I confirmed.
"What ya doin'?"
"Having a shower."
I pulled off my shirt, leaving me all nakey and ready to hop in with him. My pussy was still a wet mess from earlier, and I felt it tingling back to life at the prospect of getting more time with my brother. Nevermind that we were both naked already and barely separated by a lonely shower curtain.
"I'm still in here."
I grinned with nervous excitement, trying not to tremble as I closed the gap and stepped in with Xander.
"Yeah. I know."
I didn't even get a chance to survey his wet, naked body. I was barely in with him before we were at each other, hugging tight, kissing, letting water run down around our joined bodies.
As I'd guessed, he was hard. Pulsing against me, in fact. Definitely happy to have me there, sharing the intimate space.
"For someone who never gets horny, you sure are horny today," Xander mumbled in between wet, sloppy kisses.
"You bring out the best in me."
"Apparently so."
"And... and fuck it. Xan, I love you. You've always been the one who could do this to me. Just... I didn't even know how badly you could make me need you. I didn't know."
"You make it really hard not to get a giant ego over this."
"I don't even care. Have the biggest ego you want. Just... keep doing this. Keep being you." I guided his hand to my pussy. "Keep making me feel things like no one else can. Keep reminding me why I'm yours."
"Are you mine?"
"Have been since forever." I looked at Xander very seriously. "I thought I could be in control. I can't. All of a sudden I have you, and you want me, and... it's like everything I learned doesn't matter. I couldn't even let you shower in peace. Though I partly blame Lily for that."
"I must remember to thank her."
"You really must."
We kissed again, firm and loving, and in that special way that made me all wobbly and melty and weak in my brother's arms. His finger started dancing on my pussy, adding special little tingles and thrills to my already overhyped body.
"We should take it slow," Xander said.
"Mmhm. Probably."
"I don't wanna fuck anything up with you."
"Me either."
"But I already licked your pussy. So obviously that's gotta be ok."
"I mean, if you really wanna do it again..."
Xander smiled wide as he sank to his knees. I leaned back against the wall and spread my legs for both balance and access. This was so new to me, but holy fuck could I get used to it.
****
Chapter Eleven: Kasey at Twenty-Seven Part Two
****
I couldn't get enough. Thankfully, Xander couldn't either.
His living situation was more complicated than mine, and my roommate already knew about and supported our relationship, so there were a lot of sleepovers at my place. A looottt.
It was easily the happiest and most carefree time of my entire adult career. It still scared me sometimes, but not for any rational reason. Nothing happened to make either of us think we were doing the wrong thing. Not by any means.
It might just have been a fear of change. An anxiety surrounding actually finally getting what I wanted. Maybe that was all it was.
It thrilled me to go out with Xander. To be in public with him on dates, or just running errands. Whatever it might be.
I loved holding his hand or sneaking little kisses. Anything that gave away that we were together. No one knew we were brother and sister. That was our secret. It was scary thinking that someone we knew would catch us sooner or later, but even that prospect just got me more worked up, and sometimes meant my panties were soaked by the time I got home.
I was a horny little thing like never before. Never ever. I wasn't sure whether Xander or I was more delighted about it.
"Can I ask you something?" Xander said one morning.
We were cuddled on the couch, having eaten breakfast and still mindlessly watching cartoons. It was all an excuse to be close anyway. Most things were.
I had Xander's cock out so I could play with it. Actually just play. I'd previously enjoyed jerking cocks off to make a boy feel good, but I was only just learning to selfishly appreciate them as toys. At least this specific one. I had so much fun making it hard in my hand, then holding or rubbing it and seeing what reactions I could get.
"Ask me anything. You know you can."
"Mmhm. Ok. Well, you remember when you used to dress like this back at home?"
I considered. I was only in panties and a tight little cami. There had indeed been that phase way back when.
"Sure."
"I just got thinking about it. I never asked at the time, but like, was that all an attempt to seduce me?"
I grinned and rubbed Xander's cock just a tad faster. "Maybe."
"It was, wasn't it?"
"Yeah. It was. Basically. I mean, I don't know about seduce. But get your attention, for sure."
"You know there were times I thought maybe you were actually just coming out of your shell."
"Not really. Except for you, if you'd wanted."
"That was mean. You know I couldn't do anything back then. Not with us both living at home."
"We coulda been sneaky."
"Really? You would have been ok with that? Sneaky makeouts, and that's it?"
"I'm sure it woulda been more than makeouts."
"Yeah, no, but I mean, there couldn't have really been any romance to it. Nothing more than whatever we could get away with unseen."
I sighed. "Yeah. That's true. I woulda been ok with it, I think. But it's better it didn't happen then. It sucks not having that time, kinda, but I think it woulda been worse that way."
"Mmhm." Xander had an arm around me and was casually feeling my tit through my thin top. "I think we're both wiser now. Not wise enough to not get with our sib, but something, at least."
"Wisdom's got nothing to do with who you want to be with. Just got to do with how you're with them, and what you'll accept in the relationship."
"That's... pretty deep."
"Thanks."
"I'ma have to process that some."
"You do that."
Somehow, thinking back to my phase of trying to dress slutty for my brother got me even more worked up. Or maybe that shouldn't have been a surprise. Juxtaposed with our relationship these days, it was kind of fun to think about what could have been going through his head back then, or how close I might have gotten him to doing something stupid.
"How much did I make you think about me?" I asked.
"Kind of a lot. It was confusing at the time. I was trying to, like, not be bad. You definitely got me hard a few times."
"Yeah?"
"Maybe more than a few."
"Oh good."
"I don't know. You kinda threw me right off though. Like, it actually weirded me out too much to really watch any incest stuff for a while."
"Oh. Whoops. Didn't mean for that."
"Nah, it's fine. I think... I think I was just too young to really understand everything about myself. I mean, we all are at that age, probably. They say you're an adult, but like, there's so much stuff you're still figuring out."
"I know, right?"
"And I was in no position at that time to ever accept that I could fall for my sister."
"You were frustrating that way, alright."
Xander's hand dropped from my chest down to my lap. He rubbed me over top of my panties.
"In hindsight, I think I could have fallen for you long ago, if I'd been willing to really think about it."
"Only when you're horny, I bet."
"Hm, maybe. That is a factor at times." Xander kissed me. "I don't know what might have happened. I'm just really enjoying what we have now."
I sucked in a breath as he pressed harder against my pussy through my undies. I was getting all worked up. More so than before, even.
Without stopping to think about it, I slipped out of Xander's grasp and knelt in front of him. He was in his boxers and shirt, cock sticking out through his underwear. I tugged at his boxers until he helped me get them off, and in the process guided him to sit his butt closer to the edge, and closer to me.
"What we have is pretty good," I said quietly, just before attacking Xander's cock.
I'd had some time to get used to having my brother whenever I wanted, basically, but not nearly enough to really adjust to it. It had been, what, two weeks maybe since that first sleepover? Three? Something like that. I had a hard time keeping it straight. If not for my work schedule, I might have lost track of time entirely.
Xander's cock twitched in my mouth as I wrapped my lips around him. My clit gave a little twinge in return.
It was a hard call whether I liked sucking him off better than having him lick me out. They were both good in their own way. I didn't really cum just from sucking him, which was probably the deciding factor there.
But I still fucking loved it.
My traditional favourite sexual activity, sucking and jerking, was improved tremendously with Xander. Before, it was something I was good at, something that kept the focus off of me. Now it was so much better, something I could truly get off on, and I was happy I had so much practice.
Even while learning to be more sexually selfish, I still craved the feeling of making Xander feel good too. It wasn't hard to do. But there was an even more special feeling when I took control of him and made him cum. When I knew that my skill and his love and attraction for me all came together to make him explode.
I gazed up at Xander while I worked his shaft. I grazed the base of his cock with my fingers, but mostly used my mouth to its full capability.
He felt so amazing in me. His little twitches, the steady but subtle flavours of his precum leaking into me, the constant warmth and hardness.
And the way he looked at me. I spent far too much time trying to meet his gaze, because that more than anything was what soaked me. My big brother's eyes looking at me, all full of love and lust and need.
I rubbed myself slowly at first but ever increasing to full masturbation while getting off on getting him off.
Lily wandered in mid-blowjob, bowl of cereal in her hand. It didn't stop me. Her presence still weirded Xander out somewhat. He wasn't used to having her around the way I was. It didn't faze me even slightly to have her there, but I felt the tension in Xander's legs, and a sudden reticence from his brotherly cock filling my mouth.
"Another fun morning, huh?" Lily said without any judgement. She plunked herself down in the recliner, not joining us on the couch. All the better for Xander's comfort level.
"You know you make Xan shy when you just walk in like that," I said, pulling my face off his lap and taking the chance to stroke him and spread spit and precum around with my hand.
"Need I remind you that if you want privacy-"
"Bedroom. Yeah yeah, I know."
"'K. Just so we're clear and all."
"Mmhm."
Xander was doing his best not to look at Lily, and unfortunately that led to less delicious eye contact as I went back to sucking him.
Halfway through her cereal, Lily put on a porn vid instead of the cartoons no one was watching. I wasn't sure if that helped Xander be more comfortable or not. It was the same brother and sister thing we'd watched a few nights ago, one of the rare evenings where Xander wasn't over.
Lily stuck a hand down her panties, rest of her cereal forgotten. She kept her eyes mostly on the screen, but I had the sense that it was a cover for actually watching us.
Again, an audience didn't bother me nearly as much as Xander. I was used to it. To Lily specifically. And if she wanted to get off to a sisterly blowjob playing out right in front of her, I didn't really mind.
Xander's embarrassment didn't stop him from cumming. I was too practiced, too good at what I did. And he loved his li'l sis sucking him off way too much.
I got his full load of cum in my mouth. I was really getting to love that part. Feeling Xander explode in me. Getting the taste of him all over my mouth. It made me so turned on. So horny. It was like sucking him off ramped up to something far beyond, if only for a moment.
About half Xander's cum went straight down my throat as I swallowed the initial shots. I held the rest on my tongue, savouring the moment, the taste, the knowledge that my brother was experiencing pure bliss for a few precious seconds, and all thanks to me.
Doing stuff with Xander had done so much to help me understand sexuality the way I assumed most other people probably just got. It all made sense with him. So much sense.
Which wasn't to say I was above still being the little sister sometimes rather than a sexual partner. Or maybe a combination of the two.
I climbed back atop Xander, deliberately pressing against his cock even as it softened. I went for a kiss and almost made it before he realized.
"Is there still cum in your mouth?"
I shook my head.
"There is, isn't there?"
I shook my head more vigourously.
"Kaaassse? Swallow, please."
I shrugged and swallowed, then opened my mouth wide to show off it being empty.
"That's better."
Xander then allowed a nice, deep kiss, though he broke it off before I really wanted to.
"You still taste like cum."
"Only makes sense. You did just cum all over my mouth."
"You know I'm not really into that."
"You're always kissing me tasting like pussy, aren't you?"
"That's different."
"So isn't."
"So is."
We just stared at each other, then turned as one to Lily.
"Ruling?" I asked.
Lily was still playing with herself, and wasn't even pretending to be watching porn instead of us. "I dunno. Get another mouthful and swap it a little, I'll see what I think."
Xander made a face and rolled his eyes. I cracked up.
"Not all that helpful," I giggled.
"And kinda pervy," Xander added.
"Need I remind you both that-"
"Yeah yeah. I know. We could have privacy if we wanted." Xander ran his hands up from my hips along my back, then back down to my butt. "I'm a little afraid if we stayed in Kase's room anytime we were horny... we'd never really do much else."
I enjoyed Xander's hands on me, feeling me up in my skimpy outfit. I was all worked up from that and from blowing him, and from Lily watching, and from being properly in love and it still being so fresh, and... and... just everything really.
Xander's fingers finally slipped into the front of my panties before I felt the need to guide them there myself. I sighed happily and curled up with my big brother while he rubbed my horny little pussy for me.
I felt so secure, loved, and taken care of.
****
"You two have really been going at it."
I shrugged, flicking my eyes over at Lily for a second.
"It feels good."
"Yeah I bet. I've seen it. It looks amazing."
I grinned. "It really, really is. Who would have thought that teenage me had it all figured out and I just needed to listen?"
"I mean, it always seemed like you did listen, there just wasn't anything you could do."
"Hm, yeah, maybe."
"Xan didn't want it back then."
"True. And I still try and tell myself that I wasn't ready yet anyway. I needed some more life experience. But I dunno. I probably could have been more forceful in seducing him or something. Coulda just gone for it."
"Kase, honey, you wouldn't have known how to seduce anyone back then."
"I... ok, yeah, that's a good point. But still, though."
Lily shifted a bit and slipped a pair of fingers inside herself. In Xander's absence, we were having one of our movie nights. In theory I shouldn't have needed them, but in practice I was horny like never before these days, and having an excuse to play with myself on a non-date night was kinda nice. Plus getting some quality time in with Lily, since I knew I'd been ignoring her somewhat lately. It was hard to think of anyone other than Xander some days.
"I know it feels like wasted time," Lily said while fingering herself. "I feel that sometimes about relationships. Failures or modest successes both. But, like, everything you go through kinda helps. Makes you more ready to handle the real thing."
"You think?"
"I hope."
"Ha, yeah."
I rubbed my pussy a little faster as I got thinking about Xander some more. I mostly ignored the porn we were watching.
Honestly, our incest porn viewings had always been something of a substitute for me. A way of fantasizing about Xander, or someone as close to him as I could get, which unfortunately often just meant witnessing someone pretending to be a brother while fucking their equally pretend sister.
Dirty stories had come closer for me, in that they allowed me more creative freedom in how I imagined the characters, and if I was selective I could get far more romance and connection than I ever could in videos.
Either way, they were only pale imitations of the real thing. I had actual, for real experiences now. Experiences that even in my memory hit me far harder than any porn could ever manage.
I still liked masturbating with Lily. Watching our incest vids. Maybe that was weird. I sometimes worried that maybe it was. I didn't worry too hard, though. It was just something we did, and something that was kind of nice for reasons I couldn't fully explain. Possibly even just for the sense of belonging and having someone to share these things with.
"Hey, Lily?"
"Yeah?"
"So I think Xan's really starting to want sex, and-"
"You haven't done that yet?"
"Don't make it sound so weird, please."
"Sorry. I mean, it's you. Maybe I shoulda guessed."
"Still making me sound weird."
"No I just mean, like, I know how you feel about that stuff. I just thought it was different with Xan."
"It is. That's what I was trying to get at." I grinned softly to myself and rubbed small circles on my clit. "I'm excited."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Like... like I'm not worried or stressed about it. I mean, maybe a little. But not nearly like I usually would be. I think I really want it."
"Well good. So do it then."
"Just like that?"
"Why not?"
"I don't know. I think it's a situation where because I'm not dreading it, I kinda don't really know how to feel. And, like, being excited is kinda giving me some anxiety because of-"
"So essentially you've got a good thing, and you're so not used to that that you're self-sabotaging."
"... maybe."
"Yeah. Don't do that. Fuck your brother, ok? Just do it. Enjoy it."
"Maybe I will."
"Good."
"Ok."
Nervous tingles ran through me, mixing with some pleasant, sexual feelings that I could help along by playing with myself.
Lily and I rubbed our pussies together side by side in near silence for a little while. I wasn't really anywhere close to getting off, but I liked the high I was riding of keeping myself aroused and thinking about Xander. Lily came, though, and just kept a hand between her legs afterward. Both of us touching, but not really searching for orgasm.
"Lil?"
"Hm?"
"I'm gonna fuck my brother."
Lily grinned and started rubbing herself again, only slowly. "Nice."
"I think so."
"Can I watch?"
"No, you fucking perv."
"Hehe, worth a try."
"No it wasn't. Stick with getting off to incest porn like a normal person, would you?"
"I've had to say this a lot already, but you and Xan seriously won't stay in your room to do stuff. Much of the perving is not my fault. I refuse to accept it."
"True. Sex will be."
"At least at first."
"Always!"
"Yeah. You say that now."
I squirmed. "Ok. Maybe I'm kinda bad for that."
"I don't mind."
"Uh huh. I'm just saying, like... ok, so yeah, we kinda get carried away out here sometimes. I used to with Brendan too. And, like, I don't know. It's probably weird, right? Like I'm so sex-averse most of the time... why do I do that?"
"I wouldn't say you're sex-averse."
"I've been averse to sex for most of my life."
"Well yeah, when you put it that way." Lily shrugged, still lightly fingering herself. "I think more than most you just really needed the right person. Or, like, the right kind of connection. Like if you were demisexual or something, y'know?"
"I don't. What's that?"
"Oh. Like when you aren't interested in sex unless there's a strong emotional connection."
"Well duh. That's how it works."
"No, Kase. That's how it works for you. Not for everyone."
I frowned. "But... oh. But... no wait. Um... what?"
"Surely you've realized that before."
"I mean kinda. Sorta. Not in quite such a specific way."
Lily patted my shoulder. "Sorry. Did I blow your mind just now?"
"Kinda. I gotta look into this." I curled up a little tighter into myself, knees up toward my chest, masturbation entirely forgotten even though my pussy was still out and pretty wet. "Does that mean that, like, the whole incest thing isn't actually what I'm after?"
"I don't think it ever was. Not really."
"We've spent so much time getting off to it together."
"Yeah. But, like, you wanted Xander, right? And he happened to be your brother. I think there's a good chance your kink came from him, and not the other way around."
"Oh. Yeah. Probably."
"I, on the other hand, just think it's hot."
I snorted, then giggled, relieving some of my tension. "You perv."
"That's me."
I cautiously looked over at Lily and her concerned but grinning expression.
"You know," I said slowly. "Maybe that's what it is too. Maybe you and me have that connection."
"Hm?"
"Like... that connection I need. Maybe that's why I don't mind doing stuff around you. Or masturbating together. Or whatever."
"... Kase you better not be saying-"
"Whoa whoa, no. Not like... not like I want something. I mean, maybe if I was into girls or something... but no, not like that."
"Good. 'Cause I'm over you in, like, that kind of way. I don't need that complication. Nor do you."
"No. Definitely not. Just, I don't know. You're my best friend. I like being able to do stuff with you. I don't want to, like, be with you. But being open and whatever. It's been pretty great for me."
"Yeah. Me too. Although I think maybe that's enough together time for today."
"Probably the right call."
"Would you mind terribly if I, uh, borrowed your magic wand? Just for efficiency's sake."
I laughed. "It's almost more yours than mine at this point anyway."
"No no, still yours."
"I'm seriously gonna get you your own one of these days. Maybe a big birthday. When are you thirty again?"
"I'm the same age as you, you dick. You know it's not for a couple years yet."
"You've got a year on me. One year closer to thirty."
"Ugh. You're the worst."
"Don't be mean. I'll take back my toy."
"Good luck with that. It's still in my room from last time."
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah. Definitely need to get you your own."
****
"You seem nervous."
"No," I lied.
"Kase, I felt your hand tense up. You're nervous about something."
"No using hand holding to lie detect me. That's cheating."
"I can't help it. You always wanna hold hands."
"Yeah. It's the best. Fight me."
Xander squeezed my hand tighter for a second, reassuring me. "I don't disagree. I'm just saying I can tell something's up."
I shrugged, just buying time. "Maybe something is."
"And you don't wanna tell me?"
"It's a complicated one."
"Is it?"
"Well... no. I don't know, Xan. Like, it's been a nice evening."
"I thought so too."
"Dinner, drinks, a goddamn walk on the beach of all things."
"You don't like that?"
"I love it. I love you."
"... I'm not following what the problem is, then."
"I know." I stopped and waited while Xander took an extra half-step, then turned to me. "You're gonna have to take me home."
"But... Kase, I'm worried. Would you just tell me what's wrong?"
"There's nothing wrong. It's not like that." I reached over and brushed Xander's cheek, looking deep into his eyes. "I want to be alone with you."
"Oh. Well that's ok then."
"Yeah I thought you might be ok with that."
"Am I so predictable?"
"First of all, yes. Second of all, I felt how hard you were when we stopped to make out a ways back, and you know it."
"Ha, you got me. We still gotta walk all the way back to the car."
"I know."
"We could just be bad. This section of beach is deserted."
"Well sure. The sun's basically down."
"We could do stuff here."
"Xan..."
"That'd be kind of fun, wouldn't it?"
"I don't know. It doesn't matter though. This isn't that kind of night."
"What kind of night is it?"
"... a night where you take me to bed?"
Xander took a moment processing. It was partly my fault for being so vague. I couldn't help it though. It was hard to come right out and tell him I wanted sex. It wasn't something I was at all used to, and it just felt like such a strange thing to say.
"Like... 'to bed'?"
"Yes."
"Oh wow. Really?"
I shifted my weight. "Don't make it weird, please."
"No, it's not. Just... I dunno, Kase. I didn't know you wanted that."
"Turns out I really do. But only with you."
"Like as in you want me and are ok with sex? Or you actually-"
"I want you to fuck me, Xan. I can't be any clearer than that. And you know this isn't making me any less nervous."
Xander grinned just the widest, beamingest smile. He enfolded me in his arms and gave me an extremely melty kind of kiss, the way only he could.
My panties were soaked anyway. I must have seemed distant or distracted all evening, but it was only because I was psyching myself up. Thinking about what was coming. Wanting it so badly, but not being confident or comfortable in going for it.
But I was so damn excited thinking about it. All fluttery and turned on from being with Xander, and having my thoughts about him. I wasn't sure when the right time would be, but almost right away this evening had seemed perfect. It was just that kind of night. Everything lined up. Nevermind how damn romantic the sunset walk on the beach was. Cliche as all hell, sure, but anything romantic with my brother-especially in public where I knew people could see us together-was that much more intense than it would have been with anyone else.
I loved him. I loved him so hard. Feeling loved back, feeling like I was his and he was mine, and that we could have a real relationship together, it made me so weak and warm and happy, and even downright sexual.
"I wasn't sure it was ever gonna be something you really wanted," Xander whispered.
"Tell that to my panties," I teased, emboldened by his embrace, even in a public area.
Xander felt even more confident, and stuck his hand right under my dress. I squealed and smacked his shoulder, but let him get his feel in. I only gushed more while my brother rubbed my wet panties in the middle of the beach.
"It's a disaster zone down there."
"I know!"
"You're serious, aren't you?"
"I am!"
"Wow."
"What, did you think I'd never want to?"
"I mean, it was a possibility."
"Really? No way. You wouldn't have been ok with that."
"With you... yeah. I would have."
I blushed. "Nuh uh."
"You're more important than sex, Kase. Way more. Not even a contest. You know how happy I've been with you?"
"Tell me."
"... well I don't really have the words. But I'm just saying everything feels right in a way it never did with anyone else. Sex just isn't as important as you being happy."
"Xan, I still woulda done it with you. And it wouldn't have been a whole big thing."
"I-"
"But that doesn't even matter. I want it. For real."
"Unf. You don't even know how hot it is hearing that from you."
"You forget already that I can feel you poking me?"
"I get hard lots, Kase. This is bigger than that."
"A bigger-"
"Not physically. Shush." Xander kissed me again, but probably only to stop me teasing. "Kase, I'm taking you to bed, ok?"
I trembled and clutched at Xander for support. "Yes please," I said in a small voice.
"I don't wanna let go, but we do have to walk back to the car and everything."
"We better get moving then."
"Yeah. We better."
It still took us several minutes before we went anywhere. Xander didn't want to let go of me, and I didn't want him to release me. For a few moments, I was sure it was going to end up being wild, passionate, ill-considered sex right there in the sand. As deliriously excited as I was, I probably would have gone for it, despite knowing that wasn't what I wanted and almost certainly would be a bad idea.
We made it back to Xander's car, brushed our feet off, and slipped back into our shoes. I kicked mine back off again once we were sat down and fussed with getting all the little granules off. Xander just grinned and drove us home.
I could tell he was spending a dangerous amount of his attention on me when it was meant to be on the road. I couldn't even pretend to be annoyed about it. I loved it. I basked in it. I flirted right back with him the whole way, at times obviously, and at others making it seem unintentional.
Sitting so that plenty of my boobies showed down the front of my dress could be an accident, though it was very much on purpose. Fluttering my eyes at my big bro could hardly be anything other than deliberate.
I pretty much gave up on the game when I hiked my dress up and started playing with myself right there in the car.
"You're gonna make me crash," Xander said.
"So don't look."
"You're playing with your pussy right next to me."
"Only over my panties."
"Still, though."
I made full eye contact with Xander, as full as I could with him only flicking his gaze over to me intermittently, and slid my panties fully down my legs, dropping the soaked material straight into his lap. I then stretched out and rubbed my pussy with increased vigour.
"Fuck's sake, Kase."
"You love it."
"Not the point."
"Your cock's twitching over there."
"I said not the point!"
Xander was on me as soon as we got out of the car. I didn't even have a proper chance to slip my dress back into position, and it remained dangerously high on my hips, just barely covering my butt.
He kissed me aggressively, pressing me back against the car. His fingers almost immediately sneaked under my dress, and I whimpered into his mouth as he felt up my sopping little pussy.
"You're so hard," I moaned.
"You're so wet."
"I know."
"I want you so bad."
"So stop fucking around and get me to bed already."
"You were the one teasing me in the car."
"I was horny. Deal with it."
"Oh I intend to."
An electric thrill ran through me at the intensity of my brother's naughty promise. My clit throbbed, getting almost painful as Xander brushed it roughly with his thumb.
He growled and whirled away, having to forcibly separate himself from me. His hand clasped mine, tight and possessive. I was dragged along behind him giggling and trying to sort my dress out so I wasn't flashing the whole neighbourhood.
My dress lasted all of five seconds once we were in the apartment, making my efforts somewhat wasted. Xander had it up and over in quite an impressive time, really. Already in bare feet, all I had to do was shuck my bra, which seemed somehow more dignified than wearing it with no panties.
Xander was still basically fully dressed, which definitely needed to change. He didn't really give me time, though. He was already nuzzling at my boobs, giving them little kisses, and groping at my butt.
I was naked, wet, and so very willing. I kissed, nuzzled, and fondled back, while primarily giving him access to anything he wished. I fumbled at his clothes as best I could, but only really managed to open his shirt and loosen his belt. I didn't really get anything off of him. I didn't have the time or coordination for it.
"Lemme get you nakkkeeed," I whined.
"Soon."
"Now."
"Let's get to your room first, hm?"
"Not fair. I'm already naked."
"Shoulda worn more clothes I guess."
"You like when I don't wear much though."
"Mmm. That's true. You got me trained way back when. When you started wandering around the house not hardly wearing anything."
"And here I thought you didn't appreciate that."
"Oh I appreciated it. You know I did."
"Do I?"
"Yeah. Just the way you wanted."
"Not exactly. I wanted you to be more obvious about enjoying it and wanting to do stuff to me."
"Hnngg. Why do you say things like that?"
"'Cause I like it."
I hopped into Xander's arms, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He took my weight and carried me off to the promise of the bedroom. He stumbled a bit and bumped me against a wall or two, but those were just extra opportunities to make out and grind on each other in a very unsiblinglike display of love and wanton lust.
Lily caught us. Of course she did. We were making way too much noise, and exactly zero efforts to be subtle. Luckily I noticed her while Xander was nibbling on my ear, and he didn't have a clue. I quickly put a finger to my lips.
Lily nodded and stayed quiet, but ran her eyes up and down the two of us. She had to see that I had nothing on at all, and that Xander was really quite rumpled. Not to mention the ferocity with which he was kissing, sucking, and touching me.
Her eyebrows went up and she made direct eye contact with me. She made a circle with the fingers of one hand and poked it with a single finger from her other hand. The question being somewhat crude, but very clear.
I grinned shyly and nodded. Lily grinned right back, so much broader than my smile. She flashed me a thumbs up, took a last look at the two of us, then disappeared like a ninja.
"Bed," I urged.
"Yes ma'am."
"Don't ma'am me!"
"Or what?"
"Or... or..."
Neither of us ever found out what the consequences may have been. We reached my room, and Xander tossed me to the bed.
And it was an actual toss. I landed with a soft bounce in a tangle of covers, naked, horny, wild, and all sprawled out. I stayed put for a second as my eyes flicked back to Xander, unsure if I should chastise him for throwing me, or if I just wanted him to toss me around some more. It felt somewhat unromantic, but so very exhilarating and sexy.
It was kind of an incredible feeling, actually. Undignified, but so very affirming and hot, my pussy begging for his touch harder then ever before. My big brother tossing me into bed like a plaything, knowing how badly I wanted him and knowing he could have basically anything he wanted of me.
But he didn't follow me fast enough. I gave him a few seconds to admire my wanton, immodest state, then I leapt back out at him. I fell to my knees and attacked his pants while he was still slipping out of his shirt.
"You're s'posed to wait for me," he said.
"Why the hell would I do that?"
"Some sense of propriety?"
I snorted. "Who the hell you think you're kidding?"
"Clearly not you."
I got Xander's bottoms down and tried to go for his cock, but he was stepping out of his pants at the same time and it didn't line up very well. I got a few sucks in anyway before he picked me up and shoved me back into bed, bouncing me again.
This time he was right behind me, landing on me even before the bed had settled. I squealed happily and accepted a quick barrage of kisses, though my attention was down much lower where he was poking me.
Naked, skin to skin. Xander was hard and dripping. I was wet and puffy. We were both so ready for this. I was getting used to being properly horny around my brother. Like insanely so. But this was something else entirely. Something I didn't really know how to handle.
Every little grinding thrust sent shivers through me. Xander was leaving trails of precum on my thigh, and more and more was bumping straight against my pussy. The absolute most delicious tingles and flames danced through me as I felt certain every move would be the one.
I was a desperate little thing. Clutching and panting for my brother to fill up my pretty pleading pussy. I'd never wanted a single damn thing in my life more than I wanted it just then. It was a trippy feeling for me, but one that made perfect sense in the moment. Xander was just who I wanted, and I'd been fooling myself all those years thinking that maybe someone else could substitute for him.
I launched a cry of protest as Xander slipped away, kissing his way down my body.
"Where the hell you going?"
"Gonna eat your pussy."
"Nuh uh!"
"Um... yeah."
"You're s'posed to fuck me! Goddammit, fuck me, Xan. That's the whole point."
"It's called foreplay. Jeez."
"Yeah. The whole fucking night's been foreplay. Have you somehow not clued in how wet I am? I'd drown you if you tried eating me right now."
"Unf. Well you know that makes me need to try."
Despite my protests, my eyes rolled back in pure, helpless pleasure as Xander latched his mouth onto my pussy, sucking and licking on it like the horny big brother he was. Admittedly, if not for my overwhelming need to get his cock in me, it was the kind of night where I could have wantonly let him lick me out for hours, cumming over and over until I was worn right out.
As it was, I just couldn't properly muster the proper tone to stop him. I needed something entirely different from Xander, but his mouth was so good. I was so damn wet, and he lapped up my juices with a lust and dedication that surpassed his usual attentions.
"You taste so good tonight."
I wiggled, then pressed his face back into me. "You always say that."
"Cuz iss twu."
Xander pushed my legs farther apart. I let him spread me. Let him have as much of me as he wanted. I was so damn into it. Nothing else in the world could have distracted me from wanting brotherly sex, but brotherly pussy eating was a closer second than I'd realized, and I was going to get both anyway. I could be patient. Sort of. At least for another minute or two.
"Lick my clit."
"You haven't drowned me yet."
"Greedy brother! Lick my clit!"
"But-"
I wrapped my legs around his head, muffling him between my thighs. So what if he wanted to drink my arousal all night? I wanted a cum, and I wanted him in me.
"You're being obstinate. You could be fucking me already, you know."
Xander's reply was inaudible. At least I seemed to have made my point, and his tongue-work focused much more heavily on my clit.
He knew what I liked and he was pretty good at giving it to me. Once he put his mind to it, he had my eyes rolling back, my toes curling, my fingers tangled in his hair, and my voice only a soft whimper.
My oral orgasm took the edge off. It drained some of my nerves and anxiousness and let it all out alongside tingly waves of pleasure running through me, bolting to or from my clit, the epicentre of it all. Xander still flicked his tongue over me until I finally had to nudge him away.
Maybe he knew what he was doing. Maybe he wanted me calmer and more ready for our first time together.
Judging by his messy grin, though, I suspected that he just really wanted to eat me. And if it meant getting to tease me some in the process, so much the better.
"You're just lucky I really like that," I murmured.
"Some girls would be thrilled to get licked out before sex."
"Uh huh. You know I'll just expect it every time now."
"Don't threaten me with a good time!"
I snorted. "You're such a dork."
"Rude!"
I ran my fingers softly up Xander's cheek. "Xan, would you please fuck your sister already?"
"Unf. No fair saying it like that."
"You're starting to make me feel like you're stalling."
Xander hesitated, and I felt a tight clench of panic inside as I feared maybe he actually was stalling.
"Maybe a little," he admitted. "It's... I don't know. It's a lot of pressure."
"No it's not."
"It is. I love you so damn much. And I know sex has never really been your favourite."
"That was 'cause it wasn't you."
"Mmhm. And if that's really true, then it's still a lot of pressure, but in a different way. What if I can't live up to being your one true love?"
I punched his shoulder lightly. "Idiot!"
"Hey!"
"Worst case is the sex is mediocre and you have to eat me out some more to make up for it."
"I wouldn't feel great about that."
"Jesus, Xan. If we have bad sex, even if we never have sex, it's not gonna change how I feel. You're who I want to be with. Always have been. That's why I want you right now. You're the only one who makes sex really make sense to me. I get it. And... and I really want to try it. It's not about pressuring you. You don't even have to be good. I don't care. I just want you."
Xander's eyes glistened slightly, and he rubbed at one of them with the back of his hand. He looked halfway to crying as he crawled back up to me. That or laughing. Maybe some manic combination of the two.
"You're the idiot," he whispered. "You make it sound so simple. And so good. I'm in love with my baby sister. What's simple about that?"
"Nothing. Everything. I don't know."
I kissed him. It was tender, not full of the lust I would have expected even a moment or two ago. It was something different. Something loving. Something we needed now.
"You're so much better at this stuff than me," he said between kisses. "Emotions and shit."
"I'm really not. It's taken me a long-ass time to figure stuff out. I was in love with you way before I should have been. It's made things hard."
Xander shook his head. "I've loved you just as long. You recognized it in yourself, is all. I tried to find what I needed with other girls. It was never gonna be as good as with you. I wish I'd realized."
"We both needed to learn stuff. It's just what is." I grinned shyly. "You really think you loved me that long ago?"
"Looking back... I can't see how I didn't. I didn't know what it was then. You were my sister. It... it made it hard to see some stuff."
"Even when I had that whole incest fetish thing going?"
"Especially then. I think it just made me shy away from ever really thinking about you. It woulda just seemed all porny and stuff."
"Oof. Cock blocked myself."
Xander laughed softly. "Not exactly. I was slow. Apparently I just am about these things. Things that I think are gonna be really good... they turn out not to be." He met my eyes. "I don't want to do that with you. I don't want to do it wrong."
"I told you. You can't. I just want you. I don't care about the details."
"Even if I said I wasn't ready right now?"
I nodded. "Even then. You'd be wasting a good pussy-flood though."
Xander smiled in a small but genuine way. "Well shit. Can't have that."
"Really though."
His cock had been pressed against me the whole time, unmoving but so hard and warm, dripping and throbbing sporadically. A few times while we talked I felt him twitch. I took it as desire for me. All of it, really. It helped keep me revved up and ready for him.
Not that it compared at all to the way he looked at me when he was finally ready. It hadn't even occurred to me that he'd hesitate like that. That wasn't how I thought of boys reacting to the prospect of sex. It was kind of sweet, though, and I loved him for it.
But that expression on his face when he'd made up his mind that he was definitely going to fuck me, complete with all due love and tenderness he felt for me, that was the kind of thing that drove me wilder than his physical arousal for me ever could.
I gasped aloud as he moved. He was already so close to my pussy, and a gentle movement of his hips ran his shaft over me, so damn near to doing what I needed him to do.
He was more careful the second time, lining up better. He parted my lips and stretched my horny little pussy out, penetrating me, bringing us physically together like never before.
"You're in me," I whispered.
"Mmhm."
"You're in me!"
"I know."
"Mmm, fuck, Xan." I dug my fingers into him, just a little, just to feel him and know that he wasn't going anywhere. "Can you go deeper?"
"Of course." He kissed me even as he sank further into my hot little pussy. "I'm going to give you everything."
"You better."
"I will." He stroked my hair, pushing it back from my face. "I want you to have everything. Not just this. Not just sex. I don't know. I love you, Kase. Fuck I love you so much. Why do you do this to me?"
"If I could answer that, my life would have been a lot less confusing."
"Ha, yeah."
I widened my legs as Xander got deeper, nearer to bottoming out. I wanted to have him just as completely as possible. To have us joined fully in our sibling love. I wanted everything.
A bubble of emotions welled within me. It was really happening. Sex. Sex that I wanted. That I needed in a way I couldn't properly articulate. Sex with my beloved brother. It felt right already. We'd barely even started, in a sense, and still I felt a perfect clarity that this was, in fact, how it was meant to be. Xander was who I needed to be with.
"You fill me so good," I whispered.
"You like it?"
"Mmhm."
"So you don't want me to stop?"
"Don't you dare!"
"Don't worry. I don't dare."
Xander started moving in me. Mostly in and out. A little bit of wiggling too, like he wanted to make sure he was getting just as deep in me as possible.
My pussy was all filled up with him. Getting fucked by him. By my brother. By Xander.
My Xan.
It was so good. Exquisite. Just the best thing a girl could ever dream of.
Xander was in me, on top of me, kissing me, whispering to me. Our bodies lay together, me pinned beneath him, feeling everything. I was his. He was mine.
He thrust harder in me, gaining confidence, letting lust take more control. My pussy accepted him so nicely. Molded itself to him. Clenched around him. We squelched together rather lewdly, the sounds of sex very prominent despite him still being relatively slow and gentle.
And all the while I felt something growing in me. That complicated ball of emotion. All the things I felt. All good, but not at all simple.
There was no time to process everything. Not while Xander kept fucking me, getting into a good rhythm, losing any last restraint and just doing what he wanted. What we both desired beyond anything else for this special night.
I got overwhelmed. There was too much for me to handle. All in the best possible way, but still.
I clung harder to my brother, feeling him so deep inside me. I buried my face in him, inhaling him, muffling myself against his hot skin. I hid away, trying to take comfort and repress something, anything, just enough so that I could focus. I couldn't do it. There was so much. Way too much.
Xander was grunting, his rhythm losing cohesion. The sounds were so beautiful and sexy to me. He was going to cum. Oh god he was going to cum. All inside me. My amazing brother. My love.
I was crying. I didn't know when that had started. My cheeks were wet. Xander's shoulder took on a salty taste. I was absolutely losing it.
And he was cumming in me. I could feel it. The spasms, the gasps and pants, the small shudders, and the hot splash of cum inside me, snugly in my pussy.
I was a mess in so many ways. But I just felt wonderful. Too good to hold it in.
"Aw, Kase, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," I croaked. "Not a damn thing in the whole world."
"You're crying."
"I know."
"What'd I do?"
I held his cheek so tenderly, gazing at him as best I could through misty eyes. "You were perfect," I whispered.
"... is this one of those things I don't get?"
"Oh, Xan."
"What?"
"Nothing." I smiled through my happy tears. "Just kiss me, would you?"
His lips locked with mine for a long, loving kiss. He nuzzled at my cheeks, wiping my tears away with his face. He kissed me in some of the wettest places.
He still didn't get it. I could tell. But he kind of did, and that was enough. I just needed to be held, to be cared for, to be loved the way only my brother could ever do for me.
Xander was still inside me. He was softer, and it was all messy with cum, but he was there. Our bodies were sweaty together in a way that might have been gross under other circumstances. Right now, I wanted everything. Every part of him. As much care and adoration and comfort as could physically be provided.
"I love you so goddamn much," I breathed.
"So... good tears then?"
"Yeah, Xan. Good tears."
"Oh. Ok. Good."
We lay on our sides together, his arms wrapped around me. He held and caressed me a while longer. I couldn't get enough. I was definitely being kind of needy, but it wasn't unjustified. It was our first time together, and it was pretty huge for me. Important in ways sex had never, ever come close to before. I craved that sweet aftercare, and boy did Xander deliver on it.
"So we're gonna do this more, right?" Xander asked.
"Of course."
"Nice."
I chuckled softly. "Not right now, though."
"No. I sensed that."
"Other times. Lots of other times."
"Lots?"
"Hope so, yeah."
"So you really liked it then?"
"How many times are you gonna make me say yes?"
Xander grinned. "I just really like being the guy who finally did it for you. The special one."
"Idiot. You always were."
"Now there's proof."
"Is there?"
"Yeah. I've never been so good that a girl cried from pure joy before. That's gotta be proof, right?"
"Ok, whoa, first of all it's a lot more complicated than that. It's all, like, emotions and shit."
"Sure."
"Second... oh whatever. Just cuddle me some more."
"I'm cuddling as hard as I possibly can."
"And you're doing a great job. Now shush and enjoy the moment."
"I'm enjoying the hell out of it already."
"Bet you are."
"Kase?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you so goddamn much too."
Another shiver and a little tug on my heart, as if I needed more of that. I still grinned widely and nuzzled my big brother, as happy as could be. "Yeah you do."
****
"So you did it?"
I hid my face behind my mug of coffee. It wasn't nearly enough to keep Lily from seeing the wide, foolish grin on my face.
"Yep."
"How was it? I wanna say good just by looking at you."
"Dude. So good." I had to set my coffee down for safety's sake. I couldn't trust my hands to stay calm and collected. "I get it now."
"Sex?"
"Yeah."
"That's awesome then." Lily grinned back at me. "You've graduated to a brand new level."
"Have I?"
"Mmhm. That first time sex is actually good... unf. It's just a whole new world after."
"Yeah, I don't know that it wasn't good with Brendan. It's more like-"
"Did you ever get all stupidly grinny after? Did you ever look forward to it? Did you ever feel like you do now?"
"... no."
"So it wasn't good."
"But that's just 'cause I'm weird."
"Kase, here's the thing. Good sex isn't about the mechanics of it. It's about how everyone feels about it. It could be mechanically terrible, but if you can't stop thinking about doing it again, it was probably actually good."
"How'd you know what I'm thinking?"
"Your dreamy eyes. The way you keep watching to see if Xan's up yet. That smile that won't quit."
"Fine. Ok." I squirmed in my seat. "I wanna do it again so bad," I said in a lower tone.
"Excellent. That's my girl. Fuck your brother's brains out. In fact, go wake him up with sex."
"You think?"
"Do you want to?"
My smile was so wide it kind of hurt. "Yeah. Yeah I really do."
I set my coffee down and pattered off back to my room. I felt Lily's eyes on me, offering delighted support, and maybe taking in some amusement of her own. She was such a bad influence on me, but it was just what I needed at times. A bad influence in the best possible way.
****
Chapter Twelve: Kasey at Twenty-Eight
****
Xander moved in with Lily and me. It just got to a point where it was silly not to be living together. When he was over six nights of the week anyway, give or take, it was only playing pretend that we weren't a full-time kind of thing.
It was better for our respective budgets anyway. The apartment was really meant for three, and while Lily and I could swing it with just the two of us, it was a financial relief to have Xander paying his share.
The practicalities were kind of irrelevant to me most of the time. I was too busy being deliriously happy. Waking up with Xander, going to sleep with him, going out, making out, generally being romantic and/or sexy.
Life made sense. Possibly for the very first time ever.
The only unfortunate part was that I couldn't tell anyone. No one except Lily. Not our parents or friends or anyone else. It was a weird and kind of trippy feeling at time to be so very thrilled with my relationship, and yet not able to tell anyone why. Mom was probably the trickiest.
"You know your brother won't tell me who you're seeing either?"
A small knot of tension grew in me while I perused racks of blouses. Mom was looking for some new clothes, and I was there to help her. Though I mostly kept finding stuff for me more so than anything for her. Maybe it was because I kept imagining what Xander would enjoy seeing me in.
"I'm not seeing anyone," I said, sticking to my line. "And even if I was, there's no reason Xan would know."
"You're living together now. How would he not know?"
"You think I'm gonna bring guys home while my brother's there?"
"I think they'd at least bump into each other."
"Maybe. Doesn't matter. There isn't anyone."
"Of course there is. Do you know how many years I've known you for?"
"I'ma go out on a limb here and say roughly twenty-eight."
"That's right. I have never in my life seen you this happy."
"I'll tone it down some."
"I don't want you to do that. I just want to know what's going on with you."
"Nothing."
Mom sighed and held a shirt up in front of herself. I gave it a once over, then shook my head.
"It's not nothing. That much I'm sure of."
"Ok."
"Which means it's someone you don't feel comfortable telling me about. You can tell me. Whoever it is. I love you. I'm glad you're happy."
"What if I was with some super old guy? Like ninety? And just gold digging like crazy?"
"You're not. We're right back to you being happy, remember? This isn't some scheme. You're actually just doing well."
"What if it was a dictator in some country who's very into violently repressing the-"
"Kasey, sweetie, why the hypotheticals?"
"'Cause there's no-"
"No one. Right." Mom sighed. "If you weren't so happy, I'd be worried, you know? You've never been nearly so stubborn about keeping a secret."
"I'm fine."
"Ok. Let me just ask you this. Is it Lily?"
"Mom!"
"I'm only asking. You know I wouldn't mind. Neither would your father. If it's something like that-"
"I'm not into her that way, Mom. Jeez."
"It's ok if you are. That's all I'm saying. I know you've been best friends for a while now. Sometimes... sometimes you find someone you didn't expect. And that's ok."
"It's not Lily."
"Aha, so it is someone!"
I rolled my eyes. "Gee, thanks for tricking me under the guise of being progressive."
"I can do both."
"Number one mom. That's you."
"I love you, Kasey. Whoever it is, I love you. I won't push anymore today."
"Thanks."
"But if you wanted to share..."
"No. I'm good. Love you too. But seriously, enough."
"Ok. What about this top, you think?"
I shrugged. "Maybe. Try it on."
"Ooh, we got a maybe. Better than we've been doing."
"Don't worry. We'll get there."
****
"I think we should tell Mom and Dad."
Xander frowned. "Hard disagree."
"I'm serious."
"So am I."
"They have to find out sooner or later."
"Why? Why would they ever need to know?"
"They're our parents."
"Yeah. That's a big reason why we should never ever tell them."
"There's a chance they'll figure it out anyway. Mom got close. She thought it might be me and Lily."
"Ha, really?"
"Mmhm."
"That's kinda funny."
"Why?"
"I mean... I don't know. It's not really. I've thought it before. And I could totally see it."
"Could you?"
"Yeah. After me, she's the person you'd be most likely to be with."
"I don't know that that's true. But yeah. There's definitely a world where that happened. I almost sad-made-out with her once."
"Sad-made-out, huh?"
"Yep. Lucky she was being smarter that day than I was."
"Good thing. Wouldn't want to have to compete for your affections."
"A little competition never hurt."
"Disagree. I like you all to myself."
"Bet you do. 'Specially when we can be nakey."
"Mmhm. Those times are my favourites."
"And when we can do stuff."
"Even better."
"Speaking of which, how do you feel about fingering me some?"
"I feel really good about it."
I spread my legs. "Glad to hear it."
****
Lily started getting pretty serious with this girl Hazel. I was happy for her. She hadn't had a tremendous amount of luck with relationships since I'd known her. She'd had some fun, but I'd seen the frustration in her too sometimes.
"Things still going good?"
Lily nodded, giving me that shy but helplessly wide smile that I recognized from my early days of being with Xander.
"Pretty good."
"Nice."
"Yeah. We're going out tonight. I think... I think we're gonna have a sleepover."
"Ooh, there ya go. Excited?"
"So excited. It's been a while. And I think I really like Hazel."
"Me too. She seems to make you happy. That's the main thing. And she's a cutie."
"Damn right she is." Lily sighed wistfully. "It's almost unfair how good she looks sometimes."
I giggled. "Probably 'cause you're so into her."
"What would you know? You don't even like girls."
"Sure. But I don't like many boys either. I know Xan isn't objectively as good looking as I think he is."
"He's pretty alright."
"Mmhm. But he's, like, perfect to me. All he has to do is look at me the right way and I'm ready to melt into his arms."
"Ok, you're right. He's not that good looking. You're just in love."
"Mmhm. And maybe you are too."
"M'not. Too early for the L word."
"Never know."
"I do. Too early."
"Well... maybe after the sleepover."
"Yeah. Maybe."
I helped Lily get ready. She was more neurotic about picking just the right outfit than I'd ever seen her. Another sign there was something special going on with Hazel.
I wasn't really helpful for much other than moral support, in a sense. I could help Lily reject clothing choices, but even when I thought she looked amazing, she still stripped off again and tried something else.
Lily spent a lot of time in her underwear in between options. At times her outfit might call for no bra, and she also switched up her bra and panties a few times too. That sort of thing didn't really even register to me most of the time. Lily and I were pretty comfortable with each other. Somehow, though, I started feeling just a little horny after a while.
It wasn't about Lily, I thought. Not really. Seeing her in any of various states of nudity or masturbation had never done anything for me. But maybe it was something about how excited and nervous she was. Something that reminded me of myself thinking about Xander. In that context, maybe the casual nudity and constant clothes switching was getting me in mind of something different. And maybe, too, my head would flick to images of me posing for my brother in sexy or skimpy outfits.
"You sure this is the one?" Lily finally asked at the end of a long fashion show.
"Pretty sure."
"Maybe I should-"
"Lil, you either go with that one, or you go naked. You're gonna be late if you run through another round."
Lily blushed. "You know, that'd probably work, too."
"Showing up nakey? Yep. It's a strong move. Assuming you don't get arrested before you can sneak off for fun times."
"True. Plus I'm not nearly brave enough to go in public like that. Even if it would be crazy hot."
"But seriously. You look good."
"Yeah?"
"Don't fuss with your top. That's the perfect amount of cleavage just the way it is."
"I can't help fussing. I'm a little anxious here."
"Mmhm. I kinda got that hint from the... four hours we spent on dress up just now."
"It was barely an hour, you ass."
"Still though."
"It really looks ok?"
"You look amazing, Lil."
"Thanks."
"Go get her."
Once I finally got Lily out the door, I had some time to myself before Xander got back. It occurred to me that if Lily was going to be gone all night that Xander and I were going to have some quality time to ourselves in the apartment. That was a fun opportunity.
I made use of the time I had to myself. I showered, getting all squeaky clean and ready for my brother.
After contemplating on the issue of what to wear, and giving strong consideration to wearing nothing at all, I opted for something very similar to back in the old days of trying to get reactions and attention from my brother. A tight cami that left some midriff bared, and a small, cute, but not slutty pair of panties. I wanted to strike a balance between adorable and sexy, plus anything too bold and revealing wouldn't have been something I'd have ever worn before getting together with Xander.
I put my hair up the way Xander loved, with the braid and everything, wondering not for the first time what exactly he liked about the style, and my look just generally. The cuteness? The sexiness? The familiarity? The promise of the things we could do together? Something else entirely?
After applying just a light dash of makeup, I puttered around in my skimpy outfit, burning off some nervous energy. I made us some food, since I had the time and it saved worrying about it later. I was just waiting for things to cook and getting some cleaning up done when Xander returned.
I kept scrubbing dishes, pretending like I didn't even notice. It felt like forever before he finally came to find me. Long enough that I almost gave up and went off to pounce on him instead.
It was worth it, though. I felt his presence in the doorway, pausing and just looking for a moment. I'd been rubbing the same plate over and over with a cloth, not really pretending all that well that I didn't know he was there.
I shakily put the plate down to dry as Xander's soft footsteps crept up on me. I hoped he was horny. I certainly was. This whole time I'd been waiting for him, my panties had been getting less and less clean. Almost to the point I should possibly have changed them. But then again, maybe evidence of my excitement was part of the fun.
"Hey, you," Xander said, slipping his arms around me from behind.
"Hi."
I tried to remain casual, but I couldn't. I'd got myself too excited waiting for him, and I wanted stuff all at once. His hug from behind was nice. His hand sneaking up my top was good too. I didn't feel an erection yet as I subtly pressed my butt back against him, but it was coming.
"Why do you remind me of teenage you?"
"That... might be the effect I was going for."
"Thought it might be. Lily help you with it?"
"Nah. She was too busy getting all crazy over her date tonight. She's sleeping over, apparently."
"Ooh. Good for her. Apartment's ours?"
"Yep."
"Mmm. Nice."
Xander kissed the side of my cheek, nuzzling me briefly before pulling back. He kissed my neck too, where my hair had been pulled out of the way. His hand kept sneaking upward, just brushing the bottoms of my breasts under my shirt.
"Why couldn't you have reacted like this back then?" I complained.
"We weren't together then."
"We could have been."
"Don't remind me. I still regret not going for it sometimes. Even though I know it would have been terrible. We weren't ready. And living with our parents? Forget it."
"Mmm, yeah. I still like dreaming though. Being so into each other that we'd risk it. I don't know how we'd ever get enough sleep, always sneaking into each other's rooms at night."
"Probably we wouldn't." Xander chuckled softly. "I feel like it wouldn't take us long to get caught. In the morning probably. You all naked in my arms, both of us passed out all happy and snug."
"Unf. You think that's how it'd be?"
"I do."
Xander fully cupped my tits, caressing them like his own personal playthings. Which they kind of were.
"I think Mom would notice something," I said, leaning back against Xander for both support and physical contact. His cock was stirring for sure, and wiggling my bum on him was definitely helping. "I think she might have put it together without even necessarily catching us."
"Maybe. You were trying to seduce me all the time and they never figured that out."
"Not all the time. Just sometimes. And other times I just wanted your attention."
"You had it more than you realize."
"Well it's no good to me if I didn't realize, is it?"
"You know how many times I had to hide that I'd popped a boner from my baby sis walking around all hot and cute like that?"
I shivered. "I never knew that."
"Never?"
"You never told me. And I don't think I ever caught you either."
"I got pretty good at hiding that kind of thing. You have to as a teenager."
Xander grinded on me, getting ever harder as he rubbed on my ass. He still fondled my tits while his other hand caressed my tummy, dipping lower and lower toward dangerous territory.
"You've got me now," I said faintly. "All to yourself. Don't have to worry about anyone else seeing anything."
"Unf. I do like it. You know what I want to do with you?"
My heart pounded. With his hand aggressively on my chest, he had to feel it thumping. "Tell me," I whispered.
"Oh wow, you're so wet."
"I know. What do you want to do to me?"
"I wanna get you naked."
"Well that's pretty easy. I'm wearing hardly nothing already."
"Are you imagining this is... you know... back then?"
I closed my eyes and clung to Xander's arm. "I am now," I whispered.
"Not this whole time?"
"Maybe a little."
"That you're, what, nineteen again? Parading around for me."
"Wouldn't call it parading."
"Sure you wouldn't. But, like, what if it had worked, hm? What if I just started feeling you up? Kissing you?"
Xander kissed my neck again, and my shoulder, and my cheek. I trembled and fought for control. It wasn't like he affected me any less now than he had way back when, but there certainly was a difference in imagining it. And I'd encouraged it right from the start with my nostalgic outfit.
What would I have even done back then? I hadn't known myself the way I did now. I didn't know what I was doing. I would have gone with it though, right? Of course I would have. I would have been deliriously happy if Xander had started feeling me up and kissing me and stuff. Just like he was doing now.
"What would you have done with me?" I whispered.
"Pretty much the same things I'm gonna do now. Only I woulda been less good at them."
"Lucky me, then."
Xander pushed my wet panties down my thighs. I let them fall, then carefully stepped out of them and kicked them aside.
I was bottomless, horny, and still getting felt up like crazy. Xander moved on to rubbing my soaked little pussy directly, no panties to interfere.
My top went soon after, also getting tossed aside, and leaving me totally naked for my brother's pleasure and amusement. God I loved it. I wanted him naked too, of course, but there was something so naughty about being nakey for him while he was still clothed. About the idea of him coming home and casually stripping me while he was still dressed. It wasn't even an idea, really, it was what had actually happened.
It had definitely been the right call letting Xander take my few clothes off instead of waiting for him already naked. I savoured the feeling of being unwrapped, of being a present for his roaming hands.
I moaned as Xander kept fingering me. I really was his horny little plaything. His slutty little sister that he could do whatever he wanted with. It still awed me at times the sorts of things he could make me feel. In large part because I'd never felt any of those things before him. He'd made sex fun for me in a big, big way.
Only Xander could strip me naked in the kitchen and effortlessly turn me to putty in his hands. Only he could casually finger me to orgasm like that, keeping me a gooey, horny mess the whole time. Only my brother. God I loved him so fucking much.
"You gonna cum?" he whispered in my ear.
I nodded shakily. "Yep."
"Cum for your brother?"
"Unf. Hey, no fair."
Xander laughed softly. "I like reminding you sometimes."
"Uh huh." I pressed my butt firmly against Xander's raging erection, again wishing there were no pants between us. "I think you just like reminding yourself that you're doing bad, bad things to your li'l sis."
"That too." Xander kissed me and nibbled at my ear. "You know I'd love you the same even without that kink. Even if you weren't my sister."
"Just what every girl wants to hear."
"But it does make it hotter."
I snickered, but it was definitely true. It wasn't like I didn't know how hot incest stuff could be. It was basically the one fetish that had worked for me over the years, though even it was inconsistent. Combining it with being so deeply, helplessly in love was a good match.
Xander made me cum on his fingers right there in the kitchen. His naughty li'l sis letting her brother get her off at his whim.
I writhed around in Xander's arms, partly for legit cumming reasons, and partly to rub my ass over him even more. It would be kind of amazing to make him cum in his pants while I was getting off on his fingers.
"That a girl," Xander said adoringly.
He gave me another kiss, then gently bent me over the counter. I rested there panting softly, sneaking little peeks back at him. His clothes were coming off. Good.
"You gonna fuck me right here?"
"Certainly thinking about it."
"That's kinda bad. Almost like you just can't help yourself."
"Yeah. Almost like that."
Xander grinned. His pants came down, and his hard cock bounced into my over-the-shoulder eyeline. Another gush of arousal flooded my pussy. I was gonna get pounded good. I could sense it.
"Bad brother."
"Ha. Says the girl waiting for me in basically nothing, already soaked."
I wriggled and tried to protest, but there was nothing to be said. That's exactly what I'd done. Waited for him just the way I knew would get me his undivided attention. And I got it.
Our clothes were strewn about with no concern at all. Xander's part of the pile was bigger than mine, since I'd started with so very little on. I loved each and every sound of material hitting the floor, as it meant he was closer to being just as nakey as I was, and so very hard and ready to fill me up.
I got so damn wiggly the closer he got to full nudity. It was like Xander hadn't made me cum only moments before. I was so horny and desperate and ready for him.
My eyes rolled back as Xander teased me with his cock, then slowly put it in me. Those first few moments were magical as he stretched me out, filling my pussy just the way I loved.
"God why do you feel so good?" I breathed.
"'Cause you looovvve me."
"Oh yeah. That."
Xander smacked my butt. I yelped and wiggled, even though it didn't hurt. I played it up just to see if I could make him do it again.
A few more spanks came my way before Xander got settled into a nice rhythm of fucking me over the counter. At that point his hands spent most of their time holding onto my hips and keeping me lined up for his cock.
I got pounded so good by my brother, making me curl and tense and coo. I squeezed his cock sometimes, and delighted in the soft grunts that I got out of him.
"You gonna cum?" I asked.
"Unf. Yeah."
"Soon?"
"Pretty soon."
"Make a mess of my little pussy?"
Xander smacked my butt again. "You tryin' to make me blow?"
"Maaayyybe."
"Bad girl."
"Mmm, for you I am."
Xander slapped my ass a couple more times. Along with him fucking me and knowing he was about to cum in me, my eyes were rolled back and I was all tingly waiting for it.
"Cum in meee," I whined, squeezing even tighter on Xander, gripping him as hard as I could with my pussy.
He grunted, kept pounding me, then buried himself deep in me.
I smiled in pure satisfaction in the brief second I had between knowing he was cumming, and actually feeling it.
My brother's hot cum exploded in me, making an instant mess of my wet pussy. So much creamy cum filled me up. I was a happy, purring sister.
I hated to let Xander go, to let him empty me again, but I needed his kisses. I craved love and aftercare in the glow of something a little hotter and dirtier than usual. Sure I loved sex with my brother, absolutely adored it, but it was so much more to do with him than it was with the act itself.
Sex with Xander made me feel such wonderful things that I'd never dreamed possible. But kissing him and being held so warm and close, those were the sorts of things that made me absolutely melt and feel like everything was just as it should be.
We spent the evening naked together. Sometimes sexually, sometimes sensually, and sometimes just being together.
We were lost in our own little world when Lily came home. I was, in fact, in the rather compromising position of sitting in Xander's lap, making out with him, and slowly riding his cock buried deep inside me again.
None of that would have been much of a problem except that Hazel was right behind Lily, and she was not nearly so prepared for what she saw.
"Goddammit guys!" Lily said. "Seriously?"
I shrunk down slightly. Xander's arms wrapped protectively around me as if by reflex. "What? I thought you were staying at Hazel's tonight."
"Obviously I'm not."
"But... but your sleepover."
"Yeah. Here. Hazel's sleeping over here."
"Oh. Whoops."
Hazel, still wide-eyed, was tugging at Lily's arm. "I thought you said your roommates were siblings."
Lily sighed. "They are."
I looked down at Xander and I, in particular where we were physically connected. There really wasn't any way of pretending like we weren't being all too intimate for brother and sister.
"Nice to meet you?" I tried.
Hazel hid further behind Lily, still hissing urgently. "They can't do that."
"They can and they do," Lily said. "You get used to it."
"Do you?"
"Yeah. You didn't mind that video we watched last week, right?"
"That's not the same."
"No. I know. Is this too weird? I can take you home."
"... I didn't say that."
I smiled hopefully. I didn't want to blow Lily's night for her. She deserved some fun and love in her life.
I wasn't totally sure why I was still so calm. We'd been caught. One hundred percent found out. It could be really bad for us.
But it probably wasn't. Lily was the one in trouble, somehow. Plus Xander was right there with all the comfort I could ever need in my life. Nothing truly bad could ever happen while he held me.
"Sorry," I called softly.
Hazel met my eyes, and I shrugged in what I hoped was a helpless and endearing kind of way. She chewed her lip a moment, then nodded subtly at Xander.
"He's really your brother?"
"Yes."
"Isn't that weird?"
I shook my head. I felt no doubts at all in my heart. "No. It isn't."
I kissed Xander openly, also squeezing him with my pussy where no one could see. He groaned softly into my mouth.
We both knew Lily and Hazel were still right there, just watching. Neither of us particularly cared.
"Damn, that's kinda hot actually," Hazel said in a voice that I was pretty sure was only meant for Lily.
"Tell me about it," Lily answered. "Somehow it's almost always hotter than it is weird."
"Crazy."
"I know."
"How do you live with them?"
"Beats me." Lily coughed gently. "So, uh, we can still leave if you want. Or..."
"We don't have to."
"Yeah?"
"Maybe... maybe somewhere naked siblings aren't making out?"
"My room?"
"Yes please."
I grinned as Lily dragged Hazel away.
"Well that wasn't so bad," I murmured. "Considering we got caught by someone we don't know that well, and almost ruined Lily's night to boot."
"Coulda been worse," Xander agreed, kissing me again.
"Kinda makes me think some more that we should tell Mom and Dad."
"Why would you say that while I'm in you?"
"Just sayin'. We have to sometime. And where it didn't go badly with Hazel..."
"Parents are a way different thing. But seriously please don't keep bringing them up right now."
I giggled softly. "You wanna focus on sex with your sis-ter, huh?"
"Ideally, yes."
"I don't know why you'd always rather do that than have awkward and potentially life-shattering conversations."
Xander rolled me onto my back and followed me down, thrusting right back into me, all the way. "Yeah. Can't imagine why."
He fucked me tenderly, eventually cumming in me yet again, then lay atop me afterward at my insistence.
"I'm not ready for that conversation," Xander said softly.
I was drifting nearer to sleep, even with Xander lying on me and my heart rate still up from his affections. I kissed his cheek.
"We're gonna do it sometime," I reiterated.
"Sure. Sometime."
****
Chapter Thirteen: Kasey at Twenty-Nine
****
Dad and I going out shopping together was rare, but it did happen. In particular when he was having trouble finding something special for Mom. I kind of liked the excuse for being out with him. I wasn't sure why I didn't find more reasons.
Other than the obvious that so much of my free time was spent wrapped up with my brother, one way or another.
"Stop looking at tacky jewelry, Dad. This is an important anniversary coming up."
"How's it tacky?"
"Trust me."
"Ok, but... how am I supposed to know what to look at?"
"Have you seriously not paid attention to what Mom wears? You've had lots of time."
"... not really. All I know if there are some things that look so beautiful on her. But they don't really look like much when she isn't wearing them. It's like... like I need to see them on her to know."
"That's almost sweet, actually."
"Is it?"
"I mean, if you worded it differently, yeah. Like 'she shines brighter than any jewels ever could.' Something like that. That was too much, but you know."
Dad smiled goofily. "She does, you know."
I laughed. "Tell her that sometime. She'll love it."
"I just might."
"Uh huh. Well here, look at these necklaces while you're thinking about how to woo Mom."
"They're nice. You think..."
"If there's one you like, I'll try it on. It'll give you an idea."
"That'd help. You know sometimes when you smile these days, you look just like her."
"I look like Mom, huh?"
"More than usual, I mean. Like... like exactly like her back when we first fell in love."
"Oh."
"I don't remember you ever smiling quite that way before. Not until... what, a few months ago? Maybe a year. It's been nice seeing you that happy."
A small pang hit me inside, but it was quickly covered by the warmth of thinking about Xander.
"Maybe I've never been happy before. Not like this."
Dad smiled. "I'm glad. I know you won't tell your mother what's going on, and you probably won't tell me either, but I'm happy for you."
"Thanks, Dad."
"If you wanted a good anniversary present, though, you could tell Mom who you're seeing. It's been driving her bonkers."
I rolled my eyes and groaned. "No fair. You just said you weren't going to ask."
"No, I said you wouldn't tell me. Big difference."
"Apparently."
"She's happy for you too, you know. But she worries."
"She shouldn't."
"She does. You're with someone who-"
"Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just happy with myself."
"-who you feel you can't tell us about. I'd be lying if I wasn't concerned at times too."
"Jeez. Maybe, ok? Maybe."
"Yeah?"
"No. Maybe. No yeahs. No excited grins. Wipe it right off or I'm leaving."
"You can't. I haven't found the right-"
"No more questions?"
"No more. Promise."
"Good. Now come look at these earrings. Mom needs a nice pair after she lost one of her favs last month."
****
"We're telling them."
Xander groaned. "Are we?"
"Yeah. I've thought a lot about it."
"Just 'cause of what Dad said?"
"Him and Mom. They've been wearing me down."
"They've been hitting me up too, you know. They're convinced I know."
"Well you do know."
"Yeah. But they don't know that I know that you... that I..." Xander stopped and frowned. "Whatever. They can't really know that I know."
"We do live together. And you know all my secrets."
"Ugh."
"It'll give us some peace, at least. Either they'll love us or disown us. And I suspect the former."
"I mean..."
"And I'd like to not have to hide it anymore. I've hidden it all my life, Xan. It feels nice not doing that. Having you. Sharing our relationship with friends. It hasn't blown up yet."
"We've been lucky. Lily's cool. And Hazel."
"And Cece and Mark."
"Right. Why did we tell them again?"
"And James."
"Wait, who?"
"Lily's friend. It's a long story."
"No, wait, hang on, why did-"
"Point is, people are finding out. It's gonna start getting out there. Sooner or later Mom and Dad'll hear even if we don't tell them. They should know. They shoulda probably known already."
Xander groaned again. I slipped my arms around him and pestered him with kisses until he warmed to my embrace and started kissing back. I let him grab my butt and get some feels in too.
"It's gone ok somehow, hasn't it?" Xander said softly.
"Mmhm."
"I keep thinking the world should have ended by now or something."
"Nah. Turns out no one really cares that much if a brother and sister wanna fall for each other."
"You'd think there'd be more of a fuss."
"Enh. Why though?"
"I don't know. Just seems like there should be."
I kissed Xander some more. "S'that bother you? You want more attention?"
"No. I like just being left alone to love you."
"Well then you got what you want."
"Seems too easy."
"So? The rest of it wasn't. Let's take an easy win for once."
"... that actually sounds like a good idea. I just wish my stomach wasn't all in knots thinking about telling the 'rents."
"I know. It'll be fine though. Promise."
****
The day came. Our parents' anniversary. I felt the same nervous flutters and painful tensing in my tummy that Xander did. The closer we got to actually revealing our secret, the more real it felt. It didn't help that Mom and Dad were having such a good evening with their friends, and it felt like we were running the risk of ruining it belatedly.
I began to have doubts that the timing was even right. Maybe it would be better to put it off. To do it some non-special day, perhaps.
But if we delayed it now, what was to stop us pushing it back indefinitely?
By the end of the night it was just us. The family. Me and Xander, Mom and Dad. All four of us were lightly buzzed, enough to make the conversation seem more doable.
"Are you two spending the night?" Mom asked. "I don't want you driving drunk."
I looked at Xander for reassurance. "Nah. We'll probably stick around and clean up some. Xan'll be fine to drive in a bit, yeah?"
Xander shrugged. "I expect so."
Mom pursed her lips. "Well you best be sure. There's no point in you-"
"Yeah yeah, we get it." I took a deep breath, then kept going before Mom could start again. "So listen. There's something I want to tell you. We want to tell you."
Mom arched her eyebrow. "Oh?"
"Yeah. Dad, don't sneak off. This is something I want you to hear too."
"Wouldn't dream of leaving the fun," Dad assured me.
I got everyone wrangled, all sitting down together. I made sure Xander was right next to me, as close as we dared. I took his hand and squeezed it, even though our parents could see the gesture. In a few moments, hopefully it wouldn't matter.
"You've really wanted to know who I've been seeing," I said hesitantly.
Mom snorted. "That's an understatement. Does this mean we get to find out? Why didn't you just bring him?"
"Or her," Dad said.
"Yes, dear. That was implied."
"Just making sure."
I smiled nervously and squeezed Xander's hand tighter.
"She did," Xander said before I could work up to speaking again.
Mom tilted her head in confusion. Dad's eyes flicked to our hands.
I had to just go for it. It'd be easier to just say it now than let it linger.
"It's Xan," I said, not meeting anyone's gaze for a moment. "Xan's who I've been seeing. Who I'm with."
There was dead silence for the longest few seconds of my life. I clutched Xander like I was about to be torn away from him.
"Oh," Dad said.
"What?" Mom said a second later.
"I guess that would explain it."
"What?"
I cautiously looked at Dad. He didn't seem to quite know how to react yet, but there was warmth in his eyes.
"I love him," I said in a quiet voice.
Dad smiled small and crooked back at me. "You always did."
Mom was still in the midst of absolute confusion. Her face flashed about every emotion one could imagine, some more than others.
"Is this real?" she finally asked. "You're sure?"
"Couldn't be more sure," Xander said gently but without any shred of hesitation.
I favoured my brother with a look of pure adoration and had to restrain myself from kissing him. I didn't want to risk it just yet.
Mom slumped back, still thinking. "Well... it makes sense why you wouldn't tell me," she mused.
"Yeah. Sorry about that," I said.
"And why you were so happy."
"Um..."
"I always thought you'd be happy if you could just marry your brother." Mom chuckled with only faint undertones of actual mirth. "Then you just did it anyway."
"We're not married," I said. "I mean, that's probably not really happening."
"No, I know. I just meant..." Mom waved her hand helplessly. "You know what I meant."
"We do," Xander said. "You're not mad?"
Dad shrugged. "How could we be? I didn't expect this, but... it's not like we couldn't have seen it coming if we'd really wanted to look. You're both just who you are."
"And you're happy," Mom said. "Happier than I've ever seen either of you."
I grinned, feeling warmth flood into me. Relief and acceptance, and the constant flow of love from Xander's hand squeezing mine. And our parents too. They'd take some time adjusting, but the worst was past, and it hadn't been that bad at all.
I had to free my hand so I could stand and walk over to Mom and Dad, giving them each a big, slightly tearful hug.
"Love you," I whispered to each of them.
"You take care of each other, ok?" Mom said. "I'm going to be very upset if you break each other's hearts."
"Even if it meant we'd be more normal?"
"You think I didn't see how unhappy you were with all your other relationships? If this is what you need... normal can get fucked."
My eyes went wide at Mom's sudden vehemence and I couldn't help giggling hysterically. Xander, going in for hugs too, looked at me curiously. I didn't deign to repeat Mom's words.
****
"So your parents know and everything," Lily said.
"Mmhm."
"And our friends basically all know."
"We're getting there. I'm kinda surprised the rumours haven't taken off more."
"Enh. Maybe everyone wants to be respectful."
"Maybe."
"It's pretty crazy though, huh?"
"It really is. I just feel..." I squirmed in my seat. "I feel happy. I feel free. It's just all really working."
"Yeah it is!"
Lily offered me a high five. I rolled my eyes at her.
"You think I'ma forget where that hand's just been?"
Lily grinned and went back to playing with herself. Our movie nights were rarer these days than ever, in particular ones where it was just us, but it was nice getting them in every now and then when we could.
A lot of the time the porn we watched did little to nothing for me anymore. It had been my substitute for Xander when I had nothing better. Now that I had him, I was settled into being with him, no pretend sibs getting all hot and bothered together could ever compare.
Lily still rubbed herself all bottomless and horny next to me. I sat with my panties still on, not even really pretending to masturbate. It was, weirdly, mostly about an excuse to hang and chat anyway. Plus even though she wouldn't admit it, I was pretty sure Lily liked an excuse to get off to some incest porn on occasion.
"So hey, as long as everything's going super well and everything..." Lily said.
"Yeah?"
"I was wondering... how would you feel about Hazel moving in?"
"Fine, basically. She's pretty cool. We've got a whole bedroom we basically don't use. Though I'm sure we probably still won't."
"Ideally." Lily grinned. "I'd like having her around more."
"Yeah? You lurrrvvve her?"
"Maybe."
"Or you just want someone to play with your naughty bits whenever you want?"
"It can be both."
"I guess that's probably the dream for you, huh?"
"Is for lots of people."
"Sure. Love's better than naughty times, though. Just sayin'."
"Enh. Depends on the night. Overall probably yeah."
"That's a fair assessment." I checked the time. "Shit. Now I'm just thinking about when Xan's gonna be back."
Lily laughed. "Hey! This is s'posed to be our hangout time."
"I know. But now I kinda want Xan to play with me some."
"You literally just said love's better than-"
"I know what I said. Doesn't mean naughty times aren't really awesome too."
Lily nudged me with her elbow. "Take care of yourself some. You can still do it, I'm sure."
"It's better with Xan."
"He's ruined you, huh? Even your fingers can't compete?"
"Not usually, no."
"Ah, alas. I'm gonna be doing movie nights all alone pretty soon. You won't want to bother."
"That's not true. I still like 'em. Just not for sexual reasons necessarily."
"Porn and masturbating's the whole point."
"You know that's not true. We bonded a lot over this stuff."
"That's true."
"Maybe you and Hazel can bond over it too. If I'm not around or whatever."
"Nah. She doesn't super dig porn generally. She's ok with it, but it's not exactly her thing."
"Pity."
"Right? Ah well. Her loss."
I scratched my head. "You think me and Xan are gonna bother her if she moves in?"
"She's spent the night enough. She knows what the deal is."
"True. I can't promise we'll ever behave more than we do now."
"Wouldn't want you to. Love seeing you happy, Kase."
I smiled. "Yeah. Same."
****
Having Hazel around full time didn't really change anything. I caught her staring sometimes when Xander and I got a little too into each other around her, but that was nothing new. She seemed curious more than anything.
"How'd you do it?" Hazel finally asked one morning.
"Do what?"
"You know. Decide you could be with your brother."
I smiled over my coffee. My mind flashed to Xander still lazing in bed. I had a fresh load of cum in my pussy from wake up sex, and if I didn't have to get to work, I'd still be snuggling with him.
So far, I wore only a pair of panties to ensure my brother's mess stayed put, and one of his shirts that hung loose on me. I'd have to get changed, of course, but it was the sort of outfit I loved wearing when I could. Especially any of Xander's shirts that carried his faint scent.
"It wasn't something I decided, really," I said. "I had to figure it out, sure, but... it's just what I've always needed. It was always him."
"Always?"
"Yeah. Even my best attempts at finding something 'normal' were kinda bad." I sighed wistfully, again thinking of Xander. "With Xan, everything just works. It's so easy."
"Easy? Being with your brother?"
"I know. Doesn't sound right, does it?"
"Not really, no."
"But it is. Social problems and all. It's still so much easier being with him than anyone else. So much better."
Hazel squirmed and looked away for a moment. "That actually sounds pretty romantic."
"You think?"
"I mean... he's the one, right?"
"He is."
"And... and it's like you guys had to get together even though it's something you're not supposed to do."
"Correct. Plus it took Xan a lot longer to figure things out."
"Right. You might never have been together. You could have known each other your whole lives and longed for each other and stuff, and you might never have gone for it."
"Very true." I shuddered. "What a hellish existence that would have been."
"And you're so in love! It's crazy. Just, like, constantly. The way you're always looking at each other... jeez, it's not fair."
I grinned. "It's just how we feel."
Hazel nodded, tapping her fingers nervously on the table. "No, I get it." She coughed awkwardly. "This might be a bad question to ask. I don't know if you'll like it. I mean, what you and Xander have is kinda beautiful and shit, and I don't want to cheapen it or anything, but-"
"Haze? What do you want to ask?"
She took a deep breath. "I kinda maybe want to ask Lily if she'd pretend to be my sister sometimes. Or something like that. Is that weird, you think?"
I laughed. "Ha, seriously? No, of course it's not. Why would it be? Me and Xan don't even have to pretend."
"That's exactly it, though. You guys... it's all romantic and stuff 'cause you found each other in spite of being siblings. That's way different from... from going for the kink of it."
I shrugged. "Sure. Maybe. I mean, I can't promise what Lily'll think, but I can guarantee she won't be bothered by the suggestion. And I'm not either, if you're worried about that."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You should watch some videos with her sometimes."
"The... porn ones? Not really my thing."
"I think Lily mentioned that, yeah. But like, maybe it's just an excuse for you two to get into some roleplay stuff. Maybe she could be kinda like your big sis teaching you some bad, bad things."
"... well when you put it that way..."
"Think about it anyway. And seriously, just talk to Lily. She won't be upset. Promise."
"I was pretty sure she wouldn't be. She's so close with you, and she has an incest kink already."
"Exactly."
"It's newer to me, is all. I think maybe I'm looking for permission to... to feel some stuff."
"Not really something I can give. But... you have my blessing, if that counts for anything."
"It weirdly kinda does."
"Nice. Good luck with Lily."
"Thanks."
****
Chapter Fourteen: Kasey at Thirty
****
"We're really doing this?"
I smiled and squeezed Xander's hand. We stared together at the front of the house.
"We really are," I said.
"It just feels so crazy."
"I know. But it feels good too."
"It does."
"It's weirdly not that much more expensive than our apartment was."
"It kind of is when we're only splitting two ways."
"Well, yeah. But you know what I mean."
"I do."
"We can afford it."
"Definitely."
"I'm gonna miss Lily, but I think it's time we were on our own."
"Plus she's been talking about moving into her own place with Hazel."
"Plus that, yeah."
Xander put his arm around my shoulders. I nestled against him.
"It's a good house."
"Mmhm. Small, but we don't need much room."
"Right. Yard's big enough we could get a dog though."
I pouted. "You keep going on about that. If anything, we should get a cat."
"Dogs are better."
"You would say that."
Xander ruffled my hair, but then smoothed it out for me. "You know, we could get both."
"That's so much responsibility all of a sudden."
"One at a time, then."
"I don't know. Maybe it'd be better to get both at once. So they aren't territorial with each other."
"But it also means getting them both adjusted at once."
"Our kitty'll be fine. You're the one gonna have to train a puppy."
"They're gonna be our pets, Kase. You're still gonna have to be a dog mom."
"I don't know how to take care of a dog."
"We'll learn."
Xander squeezed me tighter to him. I couldn't resist anything at all that he asked when he held me like that.
"Ok," I murmured. "We'll learn."
****
Moving into a house and trying to make it livable was a whole thing. Not that it was all that complicated, but there was just a lot more stuff needed for a house with just Xander and I in it, as opposed to splitting an apartment, or indeed living at home when we were younger. In the latter case, our parents had to deal with all that stuff anyway.
"We're still gonna be working on getting things for months," I complained, sliding into a seat out on our back deck.
Xander, already sitting and sipping a beer, just nodded. "True."
"It's so much worrrk."
He grinned. "But it's worth it, isn't it?"
"I mean, yeah, obviously."
Xander's gaze flicked up and down me. I was free to wear as much or, more commonly, as little as I wanted around the house. It was just us. No one else to offend.
I didn't have the same youthful body as back when I'd first tried to catch my brother's eye with daringly skimpy attire. That didn't seem to bother him one bit. Nor did my experimentation with wearing even less. Like my go-to sleepwear of cami and panties, only without the panties.
Xander really liked me wandering around bottomless. Topless and fully nude were excellent too, based on his reactions, but casually bottomless got him interested the easiest.
Right now I had underwear on, but that was mostly because we were outside, and I wasn't yet confident in how much privacy we had. I'd probably be fine to go naked if I wanted, but there were definitely a few second-story windows around that I could be spied from given the right timing.
"It's our own place," I said, snagging Xander's beer and sipping from it.
"Sure is." Without missing a beat, he grabbed a backup beer and cracked it open.
I'd really only wanted to tease Xander and see if he'd fight me for his drink. Hopefully very physically. But since he wasn't biting, and now had another beer going, I took a longer swallow of the one I'd stolen.
"Have you seen Wisp around anywhere? Haven't seen her in a bit."
Xander looked at me, then down to his lap. I followed his gaze, then giggled. Wisp, our new kitty, was curled up napping atop my brother.
"You know, for someone who didn't want a cat..."
Xander shrugged. "What can ya do?"
"She likes you better than me, even."
"I don't know why."
"I do. But I'm biased. 'Course it's gonna start being a fight over your lap, you know."
"You'd fight our kitty?"
"If I'm horny enough, probably, yeah."
Xander softly scritched Wisp, who flicked an ear and yawned in response.
"Bad influence for our little one, you are."
"I am?! You remember yesterday when you yanked my panties off and bent me over the-"
"Shush. Not in front of Wisp."
I made a rude noise. "You didn't even want a cat. Now you've gone all cat-dad on me. It's kind of annoying."
"Jealous?"
"Kinda, maybe. Yeah."
Xander grinned wider. He carefully picked Wisp up and set her in my lap. Wisp stretched, got resettled, then purred contentedly on my tummy.
"Aw, there's my baby," I cooed, previous jealousy forgotten in the blink of an eye.
Xander's expression remained teasing, but that was fine.
"You're kinda right, though," he said. "More pets might mean less fun times for us."
"Mmhm."
"So... we could just run with Wisp for now. Maybe."
"No doggo? Even though you were dead set?"
"I didn't think I'd like having a cat so much, ok?"
"Hehe. Softie."
"Maybe. So what?"
"I love it."
"Of course you do."
I picked Wisp up again, kissed her forehead, then set her down on the deck. She grumped a bit, but then padded off to explore her domain. I watched her for a moment before slipping out of my chair and kneeling in front of Xander.
"Really? Here?"
"What's the point of having a yard if we can't use it?"
I got Xander's shorts down and his cock out. Something I'd become very proficient at. He groaned happily as I caressed him and felt him grow in my hand.
"You want the neighbours to see?"
"No one's looking."
"You don't know."
"Xan, darling, I want to suck you off."
"... well when you put it that way..."
"Fuck the neighbours?"
"Yeah. Fuck 'em. Let 'em watch."
I grinned and stroked Xander with a firmer grip. "No one's watching. But yeah."
I sucked my brother off. I sucked him off so good. It was so freeing. Out there in broad daylight. In our yard. On our deck.
His slutty, happy, horny little sister, doing all the wonderful things I could think of with my mouth. Making him a very happy and satisfied brother.
I worked Xander's cock lovingly and with all due care and attention. I took him deep, I bathed him with my tongue, I made the most adorable eye contact I possibly could.
It got me horny and wet. I was already kind of worked up, but this took it to another level. Doing stuff with Xander always did. Nothing turned me on like he did. Not even close.
Xander groaned in the deep and guttural way that I loved so much, and filled my mouth full of cum. My eyes rolled back and I got all squirmy. I wanted to play with myself while taking my brother's load. By the time I'd sneaked my hand down to my panties, he was already pretty well done.
I saved most of Xander's cum so I could open my mouth, stick out my tongue, and show off for him.
"When the hell'd you get so bad?" he asked softly.
I swallowed, savouring the experience of having Xander watching me and seeing what a slutty sister I was. Not that there was any doubt left on the issue.
"That's just what you do to me."
"And you're playing with yourself."
"Mmhm."
I knelt in front of Xander, fully masturbating for him. His eyes were on me, so deep and penetrating. Just watching me. So intent.
It got me crazy horny trying to imagine what he was thinking. In a general sense, there was no question what was in his head. In a more specific sense, it was a low-key thrill trying to guess exactly what he wanted to do with me.
"Take your clothes off," Xander said.
"All of them?"
"You're not wearing much. It won't take long."
"But... I'll be na-ked."
"Right."
"Outside."
"Yep."
"What happened to worrying about being seen?"
"You'll be the one all nakey, won't you? I won't have to worry about it."
I stood up a little shakily, from horniness and from sudden jitters. It wasn't really any worse being naked outside than it was giving my brother a blowjob, but it felt more like I'd be in the spotlight somehow.
Plus... Xander wasn't really much of a dom or anything, but those moments when he took firm control could make me so weak and warm inside. Not unlike when he held me all tight and loving, like I was the only girl in the world. The way he looked at me now was just like that, but without physical contact, and with the expectation that I really would do as he asked.
Which I would. Of course I would. I was a horny little thing. And, more importantly, I was his. Even Xander's gaze promised that I'd enjoy myself if I only did as he asked.
And even if there wasn't anything more, if he just wanted to see me naked, I'd still do it for him. I'd do basically anything. Always would have, probably always would.
"Making your sister strip for you might be worse than just getting naked yourself," I said even as I trembled and pulled my top so very slowly up my tummy and over my breasts. "If anyone's watching."
"They would have seen you suck me off already in that case. They know who's the bad one here."
I shook my head, feeling an extra flush in my cheeks. My eyes flicked to neighbouring windows. I didn't see anyone. I was pretty sure Xander thought we were still alone too. He wouldn't have kept playing the game otherwise. Probably.
"I'm just helpless," I said. "I only-"
"You've never been helpless. You just like to play at it."
My panties slid easily down my legs. I was naked in the afternoon warmth. Naked and wet. Getting wetter with every passing moment of Xander just looking at me, drinking me in.
The things he could do to me with just his eyes...
"I like being your plaything," I said in a hushed whisper.
"That's not what you are."
"No?"
Xander stood. He caressed my skin, running his fingers delicately over me, anywhere at all he chose.
"You're my sister. My love. Not my toy."
"I can be more than one thing."
"Not the way I feel about you."
Xander's kiss was warm and firm, making my legs falter slightly. He was right there to lean on, to take support from. I felt dizzy from his kiss, from the situation, from his words, and from unspoken promises.
"You still think you don't do exactly the same things to me that I do to you," Xander said.
"Well, I-"
"You have me wrapped around your finger."
"Do I?"
"You know you do." Xander brushed my hair back. "And I love it. I love being all yours. I'm as much your plaything as you are mine."
"You can do anything you want to me," I argued.
"Yeah. Same."
"But... you're always so much more in control."
Xander snorted. "Is that how you see it?"
"Yeah."
"Kase, I'm still not sure that we're alone. But it doesn't matter. You could tear my pants off in full public and just do things to me. You could do whatever you wanted, anywhere you wanted. What would I ever do about it? I love it. I love you. I always just want more."
I grinned shyly, feeling the soft breeze play on my skin. A moment ago I'd felt naked and submissive. I still felt that, but I also felt the depth of Xander's feelings for me, and just how vulnerable he was in return.
There really wasn't any control to be had between us. We were both equally lost and wrapped up in each other. Maybe I still considered myself the more hopelessly in love of the two of us. If I was, then Xander wasn't far enough behind to make any difference. I needed to remember that.
"You can have as much as you want," I assured him. "Anything you want from me."
"Same."
"K, well... you know what I want right now?"
"You want me to eat your pussy."
I slapped Xander's shoulder weakly. "You fucker. You already knew and you're just standing there not doing it."
"We're having a moment."
I batted my eyelashes. "Pleeeaaase lick my pussy?"
"Unfair."
"I know."
Xander kissed me deeply, his tongue darting around like he was getting it warmed up. I squealed in unconcealed joy as he then tackled me to the ground, carefully laying me down in the grass and not bouncing me off the deck.
He was right there even as I stretched out languidly in the sun, already atop me. He kissed down my neck, lavishing attention on my boobies, then down over my soft tummy.
"You're soaked."
"Mmm. I know."
"Horny little thing."
"Mmhm."
I purred happily as the sun caressed my skin and Xander buried his face in my pussy. He licked and sucked me with brotherly enthusiasm. He tasted my juices and caused me to flood even more.
This was paradise. This was why we'd needed our own place. Basking in the backyard in each other's loving attentions. Being naked if and when we wanted. Doing just whatever the hell we so desired with ourselves.
It wasn't like we'd been overly restrained living with Lily, but this was a whole new level for us. We'd never ever before had the freedom to make each other cum in the fresh outdoors like this.
Xander licked my wet slit and flicked across my clit. He ate me like he was starving, like I was the only thing that could possibly satisfy him.
He made me wiggle and coo, squirm and purr. I basked in the decadence of it all. Of being the most beloved baby sis of all time.
I came for Xander as I always did. Purest pleasure and love washed through me, filling me, making my back arch and my toes curl. He kept licking my pussy throughout. He knew how to coax me so beautifully through an orgasm. To keep me high and happy longer and more intensely, all with cunning use of his tongue.
We cuddled together afterward, lazing in the warm sun and soft grass. Appreciating each other in post-orgasm bliss.
"This is so fucking good," Xander said softly.
"Mmhm."
"We made some good decisions."
"We really did." I nuzzled against my brother. "Hard to believe we got here, isn't it?"
"Kinda, yeah."
"I just love this all so much."
"Mmm. Me too." Xander ran his hand over me, landing on my boobies and gently toying with them. "Speaking of loving..."
I giggled and playfully swatted his hand. "You just cummed in my mouth already."
"Then I licked you and got kinda horny again."
"Well I want cuddles now."
"But... sex later?"
"Maybe sex later. If the cuddles are good enough."
"You drive a hard bargain."
"I know." I ran my fingertips up Xander's arm, then back down again. Just touching him. Feeling him. "The neighbours are either going to hate us... or love us."
"We're very lovable."
"Hope so."
"We don't strictly have to have sex outdoors."
"No. But I'ma want to be nakey out here with you sometimes. And it's our yard. We're allowed."
"Kinda, yeah." Xander closed his eyes and let me cradle his head, sending him love through my fingers. "I really don't want to let anyone mess with this little paradise."
"Exactly, right?"
"Hey, where'd Wisp get to anyway?"
I groaned and tore myself away from Xander. Not far, but enough to flick my gaze around the yard.
"Ha. In your seat."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Just sunning herself."
"Smart kitty."
"I know. She's got it figured out."
Xander kissed me. "Love the fuck out of you, you know."
"Mmm. Me too."
****
Xander and I had a housewarming thing. We decided we'd probably better just do it. We invited friends and family, probably about half of whom knew that we were together, and the other half being on the tentative list to be told at some point. Some of them would figure it out, probably.
I was still waiting for someone to raise all hell over it. Our parents hadn't. None of our friends had yet. Some of our other family made for likely candidates. Not to be mean about it necessarily, but to disapprove of the decision in some way. I could see it.
I didn't even really care. I had Xander. We had our parents, and Lily, and to a lesser extent Hazel. We had some other close people who were on our side, more or less. I didn't need more. If we alienated some, that was just too bad.
I stood pressed up to Xander, his arms around me from behind, his chin resting on my shoulder. I was deliberately in a very girlfriendy kind of pose with him. We got some looks over it. I still didn't care.
Those who didn't know our relationship seemed confused about the whole event. Buying a house was no small thing, but it wasn't typical for a brother and sister to buy one together. The explanation for why didn't really solve that, but it was a good answer, I thought.
"This is getting a little uncomfortable," Xander whispered to me.
"You're not even hard. I'd feel it."
"Not like that. You know that's not what I meant."
I grinned. "Yeah. I know." I put my hands over Xander's where they were clasped across my tummy. "Everyone'll know soon, I assume. Conversations are happening. We won't even have to directly tell everyone."
"It was too many all at once. It's too much pressure."
"Shhh. Just hold me. I'm right here."
"I know. And I love it. But I feel like dragging you away and locking us in our room."
"Always about sex with you."
"You're being deliberately obtuse."
"I am." I patted Xander's hand. "I know. I get it. I'd feel so much better just being alone with you. Just lying in bed and waiting for everyone to leave."
"We could just do it."
"No. We have to get through this. It had to be done at some point."
"Maybe."
"It did. We're not hiding, Xan. It'd be way too late for that anyway. We're in the open. We just have to ride it out."
"If I didn't love you so much, I probably would have run away already."
"It's our house."
"I know. They can have it."
"You derp. Just let's get through it. You can do whatever you want to me after."
"You always say that anyway. You can't use it as a reward."
"Sure I can."
I pressed my butt back against Xander, subtly grinding it on his cock. As expected, I started to feel a reaction fairly quickly.
"So not fair."
"I know. Deal with it."
We had to talk to some more people. I could tell some of them were trying to probe at our relationship. Like they suspected, or had been told, and very much wanted to confirm. I alternated between being direct, and ignoring attempts entirely. It wasn't an effective strategy, really, but like Xander I wasn't very comfortable and needed the occasional defense mechanism to stay sane.
Mom came over and hugged us both.
"You two are staying very close."
"I know. Weird. Like we like each other or something."
"Don't be glib, dear. You should mingle more. You have guests."
"Ugh. Mooommm."
Xander abjectly refused to leave my side. "Yeah, no."
"Well mingle together, then," Mom said firmly. "But mingle. Hosts have duties."
"Not sure who wants us to mingle with them right now," I tried as an excuse.
"Anyone who wants to leave is free to do so."
"Has anyone?"
"A few."
"Oh."
"Might not be 'cause of disapproval," Xander said.
"Yeah. But might be."
"True. Oh well."
I nodded, feeling easier already. "Honestly, fewer people's not a bad thing right now. And if we lose the ones who are upset with us, so much the better."
Mom adjusted a strap on my dress without thinking about it. "No one's going to stay upset."
"Maybe."
"They won't. You invited people who care about you."
"Generally. Aunt Ellen never much liked me though."
"That's not true."
"No, it is," Xander said. "She liked me. Not Kase so much."
"You two are horrible. Your family loves you. And your friends. Trust them."
"Yeah, ok, fine." I took Xander's hand, intertwining our fingers. "We're mingling, ok?"
"Good."
"Jeez. Not like it's our house or anything, huh?" I said.
Xander squeezed my hand. "She's just helping."
"I know."
"Honestly... I don't think we could ask for better than parents who still want to show us off even now."
I felt a small coziness inside, wrapped inside the anxiety and nerves in my tummy. "She's still proud of us, huh?"
"Yep."
"Even though we coulda been massive disappointments."
"Right."
"That's kinda nice."
"It is. Our parents kinda love us, Kase."
I smiled cautiously, still nervous and fluttery and not altogether comfortable, but taking in this other perspective was helping. "We're gonna be ok."
"Yeah. Probably."
We stopped by near Dad where he was barbecuing. He wasn't quite as forceful as Mom, but still with that same love and pride, despite our unconventional love.
Lily and Hazel were around, of course. I'd absolutely insisted Lily be there. She wouldn't have missed it.
"So this is weird, huh?" Lily said.
"Maybe a little."
"Hell of a way to let everyone know you're together," Hazel said. She was staying about as close to Lily as I was to Xander.
I leaned against my brother. "It is, isn't it?"
"Kinda funny watching 'em," Hazel said, glancing around.
"Glad to hear it."
"Just saying."
"Mmhm."
"Shush, Haze," Lily said, wrapping her arms around Hazel and kissing her cheek.
"I never woulda been this brave," Hazel said. "It's a good thing! Probably."
"Yeah," Xander said. "Probably."
"Only a few have abandoned ship on us," I said. "Better than I would have thought."
"There's still time yet," Xander said.
"We need more booze, that's all," Lily said with sudden inspiration. "We'll get a little drunk. Get through the rest of it."
"That sounds like a terrible idea," I said. "I'm in."
"Tight. Let's do it."
It was probably poor hosting practice. I didn't much care. The four of us got kinda buzzed, and it made everything a little easier. Mingling and conversing and not caring so much what everyone was thinking.
I was pretty sure Mom caught on to how tipsy we were getting, but I was doing as she'd asked, so she left it alone.
It would have been interesting to know exactly what she and Dad thought. Sure they'd accepted me and Xander being together, and weren't at all ashamed of us, but Mom in particular still wanted to be able to show us off sometimes. I could see that. This was almost certainly never what she'd had in mind. She was a good sport about it, though. Supporting her children in their love.
It was hard to say what my various relationship dynamics would be going forward. How many of them would stay intact. The most important ones would be fine. That was what really mattered.
****
"You know I said we didn't need a puppy," Xander said.
I tilted my head and just watched him snuggling with Pendragon. "Yeah. I sure feel silly about it."
Xander made some silly baby noises to his pupper. I took a seat next to them.
Wisp was only little still, but she was growing. She already had a big sister's cautious disdain for the new addition to our family.
"You're just gonna have to get used to him," I said quietly as Wisp hopped into my lap.
Wisp curled up in the sunlight and deigned to accept my hand. She purred softly.
"They're gonna be best friends," Xander said, laughing as Pendragon nipped at him.
"Remains to be seen."
"They will. I believe it."
I scritched Wisp's ears. "You know I really only pushed for getting Penny so that Wisp would spend some time with me again. Really annoying how she always loved you more."
"Cats can sense neediness. They don't much care for it."
I sighed. "Maybe I shoulda been a dog person."
"They're better."
"Pff. Whatevs. You and Penny stay over there then."
Xander rolled onto the grass, play-wrestling with Pendragon. "You gotta stop calling him Penny. Gonna give him a complex."
"Shouldn't have called him Pendragon."
"It's a good name!"
"Yeah. And the obvious abbreviation is Penny. What do you want from me?"
"More respect for his masculinity."
I shrugged. "Enh. I think everyone should be a little more flexible on that stuff."
"Even dogs?"
"Especially dogs."
"Oh."
Xander threw a toy and watched Pendragon scamper off after it. He threw it again as soon as it was returned. His face turned to me in between tosses.
"What?"
"Nothin'."
"You're looking at me funny."
Xander grinned crookedly. "Just admiring you."
"Oh shush."
"No, really. Just, like, you're the perfect woman."
"Oh my goddd. What do you want, a blowjob or something?"
"Nah. We're having family time. Don't scar the little ones."
"Swear to god. You've gone all prudish."
"Haven't."
"You won't even hardly take your clothes off outside the bedroom anymore. They're pets. They don't care."
"It's weird though. I wanna be a good pet dad."
"You are. Don't worry about it."
"Gotta worry about it."
"No you don't. You're perfect just the way you are."
"You think so, do ya?"
"Mmhm."
Xander let Pendragon collapse on him, panting softly. "I kinda assumed I'd have, like, human kids at some point."
A twinge of emotional pain flashed through me. "Oh. That."
"Hey, no, I know it's not something for us. I don't even know if I'd really want them. I'm just saying I assumed it'd happen."
"Things don't always go the way you think."
"Tell me about it. I'm in love with my sister. You're the one. Always were. How crazy is that?"
"Pretty crazy."
"And everything's so fucking good."
"I know, right?"
Xander sighed happily and rubbed Pendragon's belly. "How'd we do it, Kase?"
"Fucked if I know. Perseverance? Stubbornness?"
"Ha, yeah. Basically, huh?"
"Maybe some luck."
"Some of that, sure."
"Or maybe just 'cause I always loved you too much."
Xander looked at me with those heart-melting eyes. "Love you too."
****
"No, Penny can't sleep with us."
"Awww, but he's asking so cute."
"You said Wisp couldn't be in our bed. Penny can't either."
"Wisp won't stay still. Just keeps waking me up. Deliberate-like."
"Cats for ya."
"Mmhm." Xander rolled over. "Sorry, bud. Go to your bed. Hey! No whining. Bed. Serious."
I smiled and waited until Pendragon settled in his corner of the room. "There's the strict dad."
"Shush."
"Kinda hot."
Xander snorted. "Fuck off."
I giggled. "Ok, maybe not. But it makes me smile."
"Yeah I bet." He sighed. "Kase?"
"Yeah?"
"Is it weird that we don't fuck all the time anymore?"
"Nah. I think that's normal."
"Even for us?"
"We're sibs. It's probably more normal for-"
"Don't even bring that up."
"Well for real though."
"No, I mean like... like I couldn't keep my hands off you."
"You still can't. You were getting awfully handsy this morning."
"I like touching you."
"Mmm. I like it too."
"But... why don't I want sex all the time? I used to. When we first started."
"There are more important things."
"You were just as horny. Don't pretend you weren't."
"I was. Worse than I am now, for sure." I shrugged. "Maybe it doesn't bother me the same. I never got used to wanting to do stuff like that. Not like most people. I only wanted it 'cause it was you."
"... did you ever really want all that sex and stuff? Or was it just to make me happy?"
"The former. Making you happy feels really good. But there was a period where... where yeah. Where I loved it. Where I wanted nothing else but getting naked with you and getting all stupid... and fucking."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"But it's ok that we don't do it as much?"
"Don't see why not. It's more important that we're together than anything else. That I can go to sleep with you every night." I snuggled into Xander's arms. "That I always get to feel you. Talk to you. Know you're there."
He kissed my forehead. "Yeah. I kinda feel that. Maybe we shouldn't have gotten pets. I feel like I'm all paternal now or some shit. Maybe that's where all my energy's gone."
"Ha. What, you'd rather be a horny thing all your life? Only wanting to get in my pants?"
"I wanted other stuff. But yeah, that was nice."
"Tell me you'd trade Penny for having constant sex drive. Just tell me. I dare you."
"..."
"Go on."
"I wouldn't. Wouldn't even trade Wisp for that."
"There, see?"
"But it feels wrong."
"That's growing up, Xan. We had to do it."
"Urgh. Whatever."
I kissed him softly, lingering on his lips. "You can still have me whenever you want," I assured him. "Any way you want."
"Bleh. I'm so old. I'm all like... we just had sex yesterday."
"Ha."
"It's not funny."
"It is." I kissed him again. "Just hold me and let's go to sleep, ok?"
"Yeah. Ok. That sounds nice."
****
I woke up before Xander. He was still snoozing obliviously. I smiled and watched him for a few moments.
Then I realized Pendragon was watching me in turn. His tail started going when he saw that I was looking back.
"Shhh," I said.
He only wagged harder.
"Don't wake your daddy up, ok? Let's get you some breakfast. Wisp's gonna be demanding pretty soon too."
I got the little ones some food and left the sliding back door open about halfway so they could go in and out if they so chose. I then sneaked back into the bedroom and made sure the door was closed behind me. My panties were off before I hit the bed.
Xander was the only one who'd ever made me feel true arousal. Like I really wanted sex. That hadn't changed. Only the frequency of it had gone down. That didn't bother me the way it did him, and I was pretty sure he'd adjust too, in time.
Regardless, this morning I was feeling it. My brother just called to me in that special way that made me feel naughty things. Even without being awake.
I grinned impishly as I pulled back the covers, then tugged down his boxers. I kind of missed the thrill of always sleeping naked. But we had dependants now. We had to be responsible, to some degree.
I sucked on Xander's soft cock. I knew how to gently get a rise out of it. Nothing too bothersome to his sleep, but more than enough to get him hard.
As soon as I could, I straddled Xander and rubbed my pussy on him. I wasn't quite wet enough, but grinding on him helped a lot. I got him all snugly buried in me before his eyelids fluttered open.
"Oh fuck," he breathed.
"Morning."
"This is nice."
I grinned, nodded, and rocked my hips. "Glad you think so."
"Is this 'cause I was saying we didn't fuck enough?"
"It's 'cause I wanted to. Maybe a little 'cause of that, though."
"Ah. You don't usually wake me up like this."
"Maybe I should."
"Yeah. Maybe."
Xander's hands slipped up my sides, gently pushing my cami up and over my tits. I had to bend down some to help him get rid of my top entirely. He wanted me naked. I was more than ok with that. The way he looked at me hadn't dimmed any with time.
"People just get less horny as they get older," I said. "Or so I understand it."
"Not quite the same for you, is it?"
"Not so much, no." I moaned softly as I bounced around on Xander's cock, all nakey and horny for my brother. "I'm probably not as horny as when we first got together, but I'm still way above what I ever was when we weren't a couple."
His hands were on my hips, encouraging me to ride him as hard as I wanted.
"Maybe we've stolen some things from each other. You don't know how many times I wake up and think about doing stuff to you, then end up just watching you until you wake up."
I grinned. "You can always do stuff if you want."
"I know! But I just... I just wanna watch you."
"That's sweet."
"Annoyingly sweet."
"If you say so."
"Like right now, I totally wanna cum in you-"
"Mmm."
"But I'm already looking forward to cuddling after."
"Unf. My soulmate."
"Shut up."
"Cuddles are great. We won't have time for long ones, probably. I gotta get ready for work."
"Me too."
"Wanna roll me over and pound me?"
"... yes."
I laughed in pure delight as Xander rolled us both over. I smiled and kissed him as soon as I had the chance. I gave him lots of kisses until he started fucking me hard, making me gasp with each thrust into my wet, horny little pussy.
"Mmm, yeahhh."
"Kaseyyy."
"Do it. Harder."
"You always want it harder."
"I want more of you. Always do."
"You just want me to cum."
"Unf. Ok, maybe."
"You probably want me to cum in you."
"Yes please."
"I'm gonna, you know. You're gonna make me explode."
"Do ittt," I hissed, wrapping my legs around Xander and holding him tight. "Cum in meee."
Xander grunted. "You asked for it."
"I diiiddd."
He kept pounding me. Then, sudden and magical, cum was flooding my little pussy, filling me and making me a messy sister. A girl all cummed in by her brother.
Xander kissed me deep. "I should still make you cum," he murmured.
I shook my head. "Cuddles now. You can make me cum after work or something."
"You'll be worked up all day."
"Mmhm. Gonna have a cummy pussy from my baddd brother."
"That doesn't drive you crazy?"
"'Course it does. And it makes it sooo good when you get me off later." I booped Xander's nose. "Don't forget you owe me one."
"Don't worry. I won't."
We kissed some more and snuggled together while we had time. I didn't want to let him go. Xander could still do that to me. Still make me want to hold him and never let go. Just to feel him as close to me as possible. Feel all his love.
A whimpering at the door made us both giggle.
"So much worrrk being pet parents," I complained.
"You love it."
"I do. But it means less snuggle time."
"Or more, depending on how you look at it."
"You know what I mean."
"I do."
Xander gave me a last kiss and stood up. I admired the sight of him as he got cursorily dressed and went to see what Pendragon wanted.
I was still so fucking in love with him it hurt. In the best possible way, though.
****
Epilogue: Kasey Thereafter
****
Xander and I had our life together. Lots of people came to accept it to some degree. A few didn't. That was fine. It didn't really matter.
We were happy together. We had ourselves and our pets, the number of which fluctuated but remained steadily at two or more. We had our house and our jobs. We had the people we cared most about, and we had each other.
Lily and Hazel stayed together too. They were the people we had over the most often. I still loved Lily as the bestest of best friends. She was happy for me, I was happy for her.
I perhaps got a little complacent with everything I had. But every now and then I'd still wake up next to Xander and just start grinning foolishly as I remembered how close I'd come to not being with him. How delicate it had all been. And, most importantly, that I'd made it. I had him. I had my brother forever and ever. I was all his, he was all mine. It was the happiest thought that I could even contemplate.
That or maybe when he'd wake up and catch me watching and he'd smile right back like he knew what I was thinking. He could still make me melt when he looked at me just right. Still and always.
My love. My soulmate. My brother.Deep Talks (With Anal)
A complicated, long-term sib relationship with added scenes.
Pre Author's Note: I don't know that it makes sense to submit a whole other version when I'm really only adding/extending one major scene, plus a few minor additions here and there, but I think it's what I'm doing. I chickened out of including some actual butt play in the original version, but it was always my intent to have some, so here it is.
The majority of the story is identical. I'm estimating the major changed scene will end up around page 16 to 18. This is probably terrible to do, but I spent a lot of time on this story and this is the version I actually wanted a little more, so I feel like I should just do it.
Author's Note: This is a long one. It just is. It's also a very slow burn. You've been warned.
Thanks to LizHaze for making it through the whole thing and giving her usual very solid edits advice.
Also all characters over eighteen at all times no exceptions.
****
Chapter One: Kasey at Eighteen
****
It probably started earlier, but I couldn't think of when. All I know is that it was the first time I recognized that something wasn't quite right. That I had feelings I probably shouldn't.
It was Xander's own fault, really. He was the one who made it obvious.
"So what do you think?" he asked.
"Hm?"
"About Zoey?"
Zoey. Xander's new girlfriend. He'd brought her over to meet the family, so clearly it was at least somewhat serious.
"Don't like her," I replied automatically.
Xander sighed. "Dammit, Kase. Why do you hate every girl I see?"
"I don't."
"You do."
I stopped and considered. Did I? Ok, maybe I did. But that wasn't my fault that my big brother had poor taste.
"Well date someone better, then."
"Oh this is not on me. If you hate every girl I'm with, that's a you kinda problem."
"There's been, like, three, dude. You could just be getting unlucky."
"Zoey's number four, thank you very much."
"And I'm sure she'll be pleased to hear she has a number."
"What's wrong with her anyway?"
"Wrong? Nothing in particular. Just don't like her."
"That's petty."
"Well hey, Xan, you asked, didn't you? You coulda just not asked."
"Maybe I care about your damn opinion."
"Well... good, then. Fine." I took a deep breath. "She's fine, I'm sure."
"Really?"
"No. But I'm trying to placate you."
"You're not meant to tell me that's what you're doing."
"Tough."
"Whatever. I'ma go text her. 'Cause I like her."
"I'm sure you do. She touches your dick, I take it?"
"It's not about that. Don't be shitty."
"But she does, though, yeah?"
"... yes. Shut up."
"Yeah. Good luck with that."
Xander shook his head and left.
I made sure the door was firmly closed, then flopped down on my bed and tried not to cry.
Why did I even want to cry? It didn't make sense. Things had gotten maybe a little heated, but nothing to get worked up over.
Or maybe I'd been worked up already. Why, though? Was it since meeting Zoey? Since having family dinner with her?
She was long gone, though. Safely back at her own house. Why did I care? I didn't have to even really talk to her if I didn't want to.
But she had Xander's attention. Maybe that was it. He was all stupid and enamoured with her. The way he got with girls sometimes. That was just how boys were anyway. They'd get all infatuated with some girl. Especially if she touched his dick. They loved that.
Not that girls were any better. I got fed up with my friends at times and their swooning over boys. There were other things in the world than relationships. I didn't know why I had to always be the one to remember that.
I hugged a pillow tight to my chest and once again tried to calm down. It was possible I was the problem. That there was something wrong with me. I hated that feeling. It crept up sometimes, and if I was already primed for a bad mood, it could ruin me.
Possibly, just perhaps, if everyone else in the whole damn world wanted to get all stupid over some person they liked, maybe that was what I was supposed to do too. And if I really thought about it, I couldn't remember anyone ever making me feel like that. No one ever capturing my soul in that way.
And that was scary. Both the idea that someone could do that to me, and the fact that it hadn't happened. Maybe I was just broken.
Like, for fuck's sake, the closest person to that was probably Xander of all people. My brother. That was just wrong. It was probably just because I'd never fallen for anyone. That I didn't know what it was supposed to feel like. And whatever sibling bond there was there, that was the closest I could get.
I laughed humourlessly at myself. No boy to get properly jealous over, so I did it over my brother instead. How pathetic was that?
****
It was only in hindsight that I recognized I might have actually been onto something there. Something deeper than I would have guessed.
I had to watch Xander be all goofy over Zoey. Do his usual thing, except more evolved. He grew up and learned a little more with each relationship, it seemed. And here I was still relationshipless and inexperienced.
It was the insane jealousy that did it, I think. The way I secretly loathed Zoey, but had no idea why the fuck that was. I thought about it sometimes, really thought hard, and couldn't come up with anything. She was a sweet enough girl. Never mean toward me in any way. But I hated her.
I hated her because she was with Xander.
"Zoey's fine," I told Xander one day.
"What?"
"Zoey. She's ok."
"Oh. Was she not ok?"
"I don't like her."
"... I'm confused."
"I don't like her, but she's ok. If you want my opinion. Which you sometimes do."
"Oh, um, good then. I think?"
I shrugged. "Just saying."
"Is this from back when I asked-"
"What I thought of her. Yes."
"And you still don't like her?"
"Right. But that's not her fault. You shouldn't hold that against her."
"I don't, but thank you."
"Sure." I turned to go.
"Kase?"
"Yeah?"
"Why don't you like her?"
"No good reason."
"Oh." Xander scratched his head. "Uh, so this whole thing where girls are catty and hate each other for no reason, that's all kinda bullshit and exaggerated, right? Except... that's exactly what you're saying you're doing?"
I thought about explaining it to him, but I still couldn't explain it to myself, really. I only had hints of what I was feeling. Suspicions. And not very good ones. Not ones I understood properly. It was easier to lie.
"It's not always bullshit. It's only unfair as a general stereotype. Some girls are like that, yes. And I guess I'm one."
"I don't believe that."
I shrugged. "Can't help what you believe."
"There's something more, Kase. I know there is."
"Nope. I'm a simple girl with simple emotions."
"That's not even remotely true."
"Is."
"Isn't."
"Is!"
"Fine. You win. You're simple."
"Thank you." I shrugged awkwardly and turned to leave for the second time. "Have fun with her."
"I will, thank you."
****
The day they broke up was probably the happiest day of my whole year.
That sounds horrible. It is. It was. But what can ya do?
Xander was disconsolate. Mopey. Just a bit of a dick, even. I loved it.
I sat with him a while in his room while he refused to get out of bed. Just sat and talked. Nothing else. But I had him all to myself for a while, and that was enough for me.
"Never liked her anyway," I said.
Xander snorted. "Yeah. I believe I remember something to that effect."
"I may have mentioned it."
"Once or twice or... every time you saw her."
"I wasn't that bad."
"You so were."
"Maybe three or four times I said something. Tops."
"Uh huh. She liked you, you know."
"No she didn't."
"Yeah she did. Thought you were an adorable little sister."
I flushed with brief anger before recalling that Zoey was gone anyway. But she wasn't wrong, if that's what she thought. I was only ever Xander's little sister. That was all I could be.
"Good for her, I guess."
"You really don't have anything nice to say?"
"Is that what you want right now? Me to sing her praises?"
"Hm, no, maybe not."
"Mmhm."
"Maybe... maybe be a little spiteful?"
I grinned. "That I can do. You ever notice how one of her fingers is kinda weird?"
"Oh my god. I mean, yes, I did. She broke it when she was little."
"So weird."
"Dude, come on, less petty, please."
"And when she looked at you sometimes, all I could see was a big stupid dear. It was those eyes."
Xander laughed softly. "You're horrible."
"When you were first together, she wouldn't stop playing with her hair. It drove me crazy. It's like, yeah, we get it, you like him. Stop twisting your finger all up in there and trying to give yourself curls. She did, you know. That one side of her head was always a bit curly and the other wasn't. For like a solid month."
"That's not true." Xander paused. "Is it?"
"Totally is. Like she couldn't help but make sure everyone knew she liked you."
"That's not really a bad thing. Could we do more bad things? Like real ones?"
It felt like a bad one to me, but then I was in a weird place. "Heard she liked kicking puppies."
"Kase!"
"It's true. You know those kicker guys in football? And they gotta, like, get a ball through those metal post things? She does that on her weekends. But with puppies."
"Oh my god. Stop."
I grinned. Xander was cracking up in spite of himself. Ragging on his exes to make him laugh? Now this I could work with.
"Used to trip old ladies trying to cross the street too."
"Shut uuuppp!"
"And she was never any good at painting her nails. You could tell."
"... I kinda love that you're throwing those out back to back."
I moved to sit close to Xander and patted his head. "You're gonna be ok."
"Yeah, I know. Just feels shitty right now."
I patted him some more, almost stroking his hair before I had to pull back and restrain myself. I didn't want to make it weird. Not while we were having such a good time. Or while I was, at least. I was helping, though. It wasn't all selfish.
"D'you ever think..."
Xander opened one eye. "What?"
"Nothing."
"No, what?"
"It's stupid."
"Tell me."
"Ok. Fine. You ever think about, like, if we were together?"
"What?"
"I mean, you know, hypothetically. If I wasn't your sister. And we just kinda, like, were together for a bit. And like, how long we'd last."
"Oh Kase. That doesn't even make sense. I can't think of you that way."
"No, no, obviously," I said hurriedly. "But just... you know. If."
Xander reached over and squeezed my hand. I hoped to hell he couldn't feel how my heart was beating and how anxious and awkward I felt. What was I even thinking asking a question like that?
"I think you'd make a great girlfriend," he said. "For the right guy."
"Oh. Yeah. Right guy."
"I'm glad we don't have to worry about that."
I swallowed painfully. "Yeah. Good."
"Wouldn't want to ever lose you."
I dug my free hand, the one he wasn't holding, into my thigh, feeling my nails bite skin. How could he make me feel so miserable and so happy at the same time?
He was right. It was good that we wouldn't ever have to break up and lose each other. That part was great.
And it was silly anyway. We were sibs. Always would be. Thinking about being different people wasn't helpful. Even if we were, there was no guarantee he'd ever be interested.
Not that I was. Not really. I couldn't be. He was my brother. These thoughts made no sense.
****
I guess I got crying pretty loudly. I didn't think I was, but Mom heard me from the hall, so I must have been.
I stifled myself pretty well when she came in, but I could hardly hide how I was feeling. Not after she'd heard me, and definitely not after she saw my face.
"What's wrong?" she asked, face full of motherly concern.
"Nothing," I lied, as though that would explain things sufficiently for her.
"I thought your brother was having the bad day. I didn't realize you were too."
"I wasn't."
"Honey, I haven't seen you cry like this for... well, years anyway."
Mom wiped my face, drying it off some. Her touch and concern helped some, but also in another, deeper way just made me feel shittier.
"I don't know why," I said.
"I think you do," Mom said gently. "I think you don't want to tell me."
"It's stupid. Xan's going through stuff. His is real."
"Ah."
"What?"
"A boy, then?"
My heart jumped in sudden panic, even though the way she said it suggested she didn't have a clue which boy. "No!"
"Xander's thing is real, you said. As if, possibly, yours is over a boy who maybe doesn't like you?"
Fuck. How did she do that?
She still didn't know. She couldn't know. But that was too uncomfortably close.
"Maybe," I said.
Mom started rubbing my shoulder. "Oh sweetie. I wish I could save you some of this heartache, but it's just something that's going to happen from time to time."
"Thanks?"
"Did that sound bleak? Sorry. There'll be lots of good. Lots and lots. But there's going to be bad times. And maybe this will help later on."
I snorted softly. "I don't think so."
"I know it doesn't feel like there's anything good right now."
"That's true."
"But it won't seem so bad tomorrow. Or the next day. Sometime soon."
"Ok."
"You want some ice cream?"
I struggled with my inner turmoil. I wanted to keep moping. But holy fuck did ice cream sound amazing.
"Yes please."
"Ok." Mom patted my head. "Ice cream in bed, ok? It'll be better."
"Hope so."
****
Mom maybe knew what she was talking about. It hurt for a few days, then it got better. I got back to normal, more or less.
I still looked at Xander sometimes just a little wistfully, but that was all there was. Nothing more than that. Not really.
I got a date to my high school prom. I didn't really know how it had happened. Jake asked me, and it felt like I probably better just say yes. I didn't particularly care one way or another, but everyone was going. Everyone was getting dates. That was just what I was supposed to do. So I did.
"Do you think he'll want to dance?" I asked Xander.
I was already in my dress. It was early, but I wanted to make sure everything was ok. So I was now kind of stuck just... waiting. Waiting and getting nervous.
"Depends on the guy, I guess. I don't know anything about him."
"I hope he won't want to. Except... then what do we do?"
"Beats me. I went for dancing."
"Of course you did."
"Tasha was a good dancer."
"Uh huh. You just wanted to get close to her."
"They don't let us do anything fun. But yeah, I guess it got me close. Slow dances are where it's at."
I shook my head and plucked at my dress around my cleavage. It wasn't sitting quite right. It looked weird.
"God I really don't want to slow dance. I don't like him near enough for that."
"So why are you going with him?"
"He asked."
"Ah."
"That's what I'm supposed to do, isn't it?"
"You can do what you want, Kase. Don't do things just 'cause that's what you think you have to."
I sighed to myself. I wished I could just do what I want.
Xander's eyes were on me in the mirror, but not in any meaningful way. Just 'cause we were talking. I looked pretty good. Not great. My dress wouldn't quite do what I wanted. But it was a good presentation overall. And I got nothing from him. Nothing to indicate that I was even dressed up. I might as well have been in an old pair of jeans and a t-shirt for all it affected him.
God I hated that feeling.
"Maybe it'll be canceled," I said with some small hope.
Xander smiled. "It won't be."
"I know."
"Go. Dance. Have fun."
"Maybe I only want to dance with the right guy."
"Who's that?"
"There... isn't one."
"Oh. That complicates things." Xander shrugged. "So maybe Jake's good enough."
"Enh."
"Give it a shot. Dance close with him. See if you enjoy it. You don't have to like him or go out with him or anything. Just dance."
"I won't like it. I... I don't even know how. Not really."
"No?"
"I guess I've never done it. Never seemed like the right time."
"Oh well now you have to, then. Last chance before school dances are a thing of the past, right?"
"But-"
Xander hopped up and snatched my phone from where it was sitting. I watched him in the mirror, all frowny and confused, even though I understood that he was picking some music that would play on the speakers in my room.
Somehow, even though I fully anticipated him playing a song that could be slow danced to, I didn't expect him to actually try dancing. Let alone with me. This in spite of the two of us being alone in my room.
"Come on," he said with an easy smile. "No pressure. Nothing to it. It's not, like, a complicated dance or anything."
"I know."
"Teenagers can do it. It can't be that hard."
"I know!"
"You kinda just move a bit and use it as an opportunity to get all close and stuff."
"Jeez, I kn-"
I squeaked as Xander yanked me toward him with all the casual display of force an older brother could muster. I fought a bit just for the show of it. He laughed and pulled me tight to him anyway.
It was a rush. My heart went crazy immediately. My head spun. Xander had me close, right up against him, arms around me.
"Relax," he whispered. "Feel the music. Don't think."
"How'm I gonna not think?"
"Fine. Think if you want. Let Jake guide you if it comes to it. Just follow him. Think about whatever you want. It'll be fine."
"It'll be fine," I echoed weakly.
It was more than fine. With Xander, at least. He felt so good against me. So warm and solid. Like I could put my whole weight on him. Let him carry me.
I tried not to give in. To not make it obvious how easily he could make me feel things. The pretense got harder and harder to keep up.
I wanted to melt into him. To let him guide me in slow circles all evening. To rest my head on his shoulder. Feel his breathing so close to my ear. Feel his heart beat next to mine. Listen to him murmur instructions and suggestions. Whatever he wanted to tell me, really. It wasn't about the words. It was his voice. His voice and his warmth and... and everything.
"Am I doing ok?" I asked, just to pretend like I cared about learning. Like I wasn't already getting everything I wanted out of the moment.
"You could loosen up more."
"Oh."
"You're hanging maybe a little tight on me. You know, if I'm Jake and all. You might give him ideas."
I blushed warmly. "Oh."
I didn't let go even fractionally. I clung to Xander. He let me. Every now and then he'd encourage me again to loosen my grip, and every time I ignored him.
We danced through a few songs, and I actually did gain a certain comfort with the process. Like I probably could acquit myself well enough at the actual prom. If it never came, if Xander and I just kept dancing, it'd be such a better night. A perfect night, perhaps.
But reality intruded. Dad came by to inform me that my date had arrived. Dad was far too amused about it. Only probably because he knew I didn't go out with boys, and that I was somewhat embarrassed about the whole thing. What was it with parents enjoying their kids' humiliation anyway?
I had to pretend like I wanted to go. Like I didn't want to stay in my brother's arms. Like my legs weren't jelly from our less than twenty minutes of dancing together.
I hated it. I hated it so much.
****
"So you're going out with Jake, huh?"
I shrugged uncomfortably. "Whatever. Maybe. Yeah."
"Cool. Guess he made an impression at that dance."
I tried not to look right at Xander. How could I tell him that I'd enjoyed myself, but only because his touch was still fresh on me. His scent still lingering on my senses. That if I closed my eyes I could pretend Jake was Xander. That my date was a sufficient stand in for my brother at prom for me to be able to lose myself in the illusion.
People just assumed I was into Jake. Even Jake himself did. He asked me out. I didn't know what to do. I said yes. I was stuck with it.
It wasn't the worst, but it certainly wasn't the best.
"Just trying it out," I mumbled. "Don't date much. Thought I should try it."
"Probably a good idea. Get a sense of what you want, if nothing else.
"Yeah. Maybe. Yeah."
"It'll be good for you."
"Hope so."
"It will."
"Why are you always so certain about my stuff?"
"I mean, I know you, don't I?"
I felt a small warmth inside. "Yeah."
"So I got a pretty good feel for you."
"That's... good."
"Have fun with it. See what happens."
"Ok. Yeah. Sure."
****
Chapter Two: Kasey at Nineteen
****
Jake didn't last. I knew he wouldn't. I just didn't know how long I could pretend.
University was a convenient excuse. I didn't go anywhere. Xander had stayed local, so of course I was going to.
Jake wanted me to come with him. Or to stay with me. One way or the other. I told him that didn't make sense. That we'd already been accepted and enrolled at our respective schools. We couldn't change plans now. The world didn't work like that.
He wasn't happy. I had to pretend like I wasn't either. But I was so relieved. It made things so much easier. I could breathe again. Get back to being me and not acting like I liked being a couple.
Jake would have got tired with me anyway. I didn't let him do much beyond kissing. He wanted more. He was nice enough about not going further, but he really badly wanted to. I could tell. I thought he'd break up with me on his own a few times, but he never did.
I got to drive back and forth from campus with Xander every day. Even those days where I wouldn't get to see him otherwise, we at least had those moments.
It was pretty bad, I had to admit. If I wasn't his little sister, it would probably constitute some pretty sketchy behaviour on my part. Or maybe it was worse because of that.
I was just happier with him. Just being in the car next to Xander. Some days, that was the highlight. It was what I looked forward to.
"I think I'm gonna ask Milly out," Xander said.
I repressed a sigh. I'd seen it coming. He told me about girls he was into. I didn't know why. Maybe just because we had the time every day. And possibly because I encouraged it. I couldn't help myself. I knew I'd hate it, but I hated not knowing even more.
"Which one's she?"
"Dark hair. Glasses. Cute smile. You two hit it off when you met, remember?"
"Oh."
"Don't 'oh' me."
"What?"
"You're doing it again. You liked her. As soon as I said I was gonna ask her out, you went all sullen."
"Didn't."
"Did. You're doing it now."
"She's... nice."
"Kase..."
"She is. She's nice. I... like her. She's fine."
I hated her.
"Really?"
"Really."
"Ok. Good."
I stared out the window. Fuck. Xander was right. I actually did like Milly. Except... I didn't now that he was gonna ask her out. Why was I like this? I should make more of an effort. I didn't hate her. I just hated what she represented. Or something.
I hated that I wasn't the one drawing Xander's affections.
It was stupid. I was being stupid.
"There's a boy," I said.
"Hm?"
"Gene. He's nice. He likes me."
"Oh. Well great." Xander side-eyed me. "Is it great?"
"It's ok. He might ask me out soon. I think. He's working toward it."
I'd been being deliberately obtuse. Making Gene's job harder. He wanted to, though. I could feel it.
"Ask him out."
"What?"
"You ask him. See what happens."
"That's not how it works."
"Why not? Do you like him?"
"I don't know."
"Do you think you could?"
I thought about it. I didn't really know what it would mean to like a boy. I knew what it felt like to be around my brother, but it must be different than that. It had to be. And whatever I was supposed to feel, I wasn't convinced I was feeling it. But I probably needed to keep trying.
"Maybe I'll ask him," I said.
"Good. Do it. Tell me how it goes."
"Will you... will you not ask Milly today? In case it goes bad?"
Xander gave me a funny look. "I mean... yeah. If you want. Doesn't have to be today. You nervous?"
I was, but not really about rejection like Xander probably assumed. I was more nervous about getting a yes, if anything. More importantly, though, I'd bought myself a day before Xander would have a new girl, and I'd be a second priority again.
Being second sucked. It was so much better when he was between girls.
****
My grace day wasn't enough. I knew it wouldn't be, but it still stung when Xander and Milly started going out.
Gene and I started going out too. It was ok. Nothing special.
Gene wanted to make out and stuff. I expected that. It was ok too.
What made it better was thinking about Milly, bizarrely enough. We'd be making out, and I'd think of Milly getting Xander. Making out with him. What that would feel like. I put myself in her head and imagined Gene was Xander.
He wasn't anything like my brother, really. But if I closed my eyes and lost myself deep enough, I could make believe. Those moments were so good. I felt all the things I couldn't seem to find with Gene normally, or with Jake before him.
And I wondered what it all meant. Brothers and sisters couldn't make out, obviously. I was only imagining what Milly was experiencing, which wasn't so bad, in a sense. I couldn't help feeling like if Xander ever tried to kiss me, I'd let him. I'd let him so hard.
But I shouldn't. Couldn't. But I would.
****
The day I discovered incest porn was huge for me. I honestly didn't know how I'd missed it for so long.
Sure I didn't really do the whole porn thing for the most part. It wasn't really part of my life. I masturbated sometimes. Probably not as much as a lot of people, and definitely not as much as Xander, say.
Yes, I had an idea how often he jerked off. So what?
Point was, somehow, I'd missed it. There was a lot out there. A looottt. It was like seeing in grayscale, and suddenly realizing that there were colours everywhere around me. Except with porn.
I was riveted. I clicked through video after video. My heart pounded, my fingers trembled, and my pussy gushed like it never had before. I'd never in my life been so turned on.
But it wasn't even about that. I hardly touched myself the whole time. I just sat wide-eyed and fascinated, exploring this brand new world.
I couldn't get enough. It wasn't horniness. It was something else. It was, perhaps, the first time in my life that I'd felt justified in thinking some of the things I did about Xander. The first time I realized I wasn't alone and a weird little aberration. Validation from a terribly unlikely source.
People thought about being with their siblings. Fucking them, mostly, according to these videos. But then, they were porn vids. That was their whole thing.
Probably some people didn't really want that. Surely some of them must just want to, like, kiss and be held, right?
Or was that just me? Was I still the weird one here? Somewhere in between wanting a platonic relationship with my brother, and wanting to bone him. I couldn't be the only one in there somewhere. I couldn't.
But none of these videos, amazing as they were, seemed to support that. There were no videos of sibs making out like crazy, then falling asleep together. They were straight up all fucking all the time.
I'd been home alone. I was sitting in the middle of the living room, cross-legged on the couch. I hadn't intended to look up porn on my laptop. That was the only reason I wasn't safely holed up in my room. I didn't even realize how long I'd been there, and how stiff my legs would be when I finally moved them.
"You know other people can hear that, right?" Xander said.
I jerked my head up, cheeks flushed and heart racing in sudden panic. "What? Where'd you come from?"
Xander spread his arms. "I live here. As do our parents. Watching porn with the volume up... it's a bold choice. I like it, though."
I shakily found the volume and muted the video I was in the middle of. "I didn't mean to... it wasn't..."
"Something good, huh?"
"No. I..."
Xander walked over, stepping behind the couch and looking over my shoulder.
Why didn't I just slam the laptop shut? I wanted to. My hand jerked to do it. But I didn't. I wanted him to see. I needed him to. It was proof that I wasn't crazy.
"Oh wow. That's what you're into?"
A bolt of excited stress tore through me and just kind of stayed there, yanking my insides painfully. "I didn't know it existed."
"Huh, really? It's, like, all over the internet."
"I never knew."
"That's insane." Xander paused, still watching the action on screen. "Although... you've never been super into boys..." He scratched his head. "Do you... not watch much porn either?"
"Not much. No."
"Interesting. I woulda thought... actually no, I shouldn't speculate on that."
"On what?"
"On your... habits."
I was so excited I could burst. I felt like I was close to something. Not what I wanted. Not my goal. But something. Maybe something helpful.
"What do you mean?"
Xander was quiet for a moment, which only gave me longer to speculate about what he was thinking and what exactly he'd say.
"You, uh, masturbate, don't you?"
A thrill ran through me, deep and tight, and so very wonderful. "Yes."
"I mean... do you not watch porn while you do?"
"Not a lot. I don't do any of that stuff very often, really."
"Hm. Yeah, maybe that makes sense. You've never really been super into any of it, huh?"
I fidgeted and wondered if I should pretend that I actually did more of that stuff than I truly did. Masturbating. Watching porn. Anything to get Xander talking about it more. Or thinking about me doing it.
I recognized that some of my hopes were impossible. I'd been watching too many pretend brothers and sisters using the flimsiest excuses to do unspeakable things to each other. Somewhere inside me, I had a hope that Xander was thinking of those same things with me. He wasn't. But maybe.
"I am sometimes," I said cautiously.
"Sure. Yeah. But not a lot. You never even were all into boys like some girls are."
No. Not like some girls. Not like most girls, even. He had that right.
"I'm kinda weird, huh?" I said.
"Enh. Who's to say. Maybe you got, like, a low sex-drive or something. Or... I mean you're probably not asexual I guess. But if you are, that's cool, you know."
"... asexual?"
"You know, like... well I don't know how it works. But not really into sex, I guess. Or maybe, like, people have different types of other people they're into, and maybe you don't really have any preferences. Not really into anyone. And that's totally fine. Except, you know, I don't think that's quite right. And I might not understand what I'm talking about anyway."
I nodded slowly, digesting the brief rant. "No. No I don't think it's quite right either. Not me. Not exactly."
"Didn't think so."
"But maybe... I'm very specific."
"Ha, yeah. Specifically into brothers and sisters getting it on by the look of it."
I blushed so hot that it was a damn good thing I was faced away from Xander. "I told you. I didn't know it was a thing," I mumbled.
"Sure."
"But, like, hypothetically if I did like that stuff, is that ok?"
"Don't see why not."
My heart pounded, racing hard in my chest. I felt about ready to throw up, or pass out, or something. "What if I thought about you?"
"Me?"
"You're my brother."
"Yeah. Huh. I get what you're saying. Guess that'd be maybe a little weird."
"Oh."
"It'd probably be fine though. Everyone was weird thoughts."
"Right."
Xander patted my shoulder. I couldn't decide if I wanted more of his touch, or to run from it.
"You're ok, Kase."
"You think?"
"Just... don't let the 'rents catch you like this, yeah? Don't want to have to explain why you're thinking about me like that, do ya?"
Oh god oh god oh god. He said it like a joke. Did he know? He didn't know. He couldn't know just how true it was.
I wanted to scream at him that it was all real. That he had to know it was real. But I didn't. Obviously I couldn't do that. Couldn't tell him the real reason I'd been so enamoured with these videos. More than mere morbid curiousity and a passing kink. I couldn't be sure he'd accept it in that context.
****
I thought about going further with Gene at times. When I closed my eyes and we got all close and kissy and stuff, I was better than ever at pretending like he was Xander. He never got close enough to really hit the right spots for me, but it was something.
I watched more videos. They gave me ideas. They took the edge off too. Gave me some kind of pseudo-outlet. They weren't really any better than Gene in many respects, but at least I could sit and watch them, one after another, skipping past the sex for the sake of what little plot and romance I could skim from them.
They were easier that way than Gene was. He was nice, and he was patient, but he got horny. I felt bad leading him on. Like I was ever gonna feel something more for him. I didn't really know what to do about that.
I gave him a handjob. He liked that. I didn't mind it. I spent most of the time wondering if it was anything like jerking Xander would be. If his cock would be similar. If it would feel the same in my hand.
I'd jerk Xander off if he ever asked. Do it in a heartbeat. It wasn't really what I wanted from him, but I'd be all over it.
Cum is weird and gross but also kinda super fascinating. I learned that. All those cumshots in porn made a lot more sense all of a sudden. It was still bizarre how much focus there was on them, but I was closer to understanding the appeal, at least.
"I think I have to break up with him."
Xander shrugged, eyes on the road. "Not working out?"
"I don't feel anything for him."
"Oh. Then yeah, probably should break up."
"Figured."
"Did you at least get something out of the relationship?"
"... not really."
"Oh."
"Maybe a bit. I learned some things. But I don't know that much had to do with him."
"Um..."
"Did that make any sense?"
"Not really."
"Oh."
"Like... what did you learn? Anything good?"
I slumped lower in my seat in the car. "You don't wanna hear what I learned."
"Try me."
"Don't say I didn't warn you."
"I won't."
"I... I want someone more like you."
Xander didn't know how to take that. I was pretty sure I would have gotten quite a staring-at if he hadn't been driving.
"How like me?"
Like exactly you, dummy.
"I don't know, just... like you. Like a brother."
"Oh. Incest fetish again."
"No! Well... no-ish."
"Uh huh. Dang. You know you shouldn't be telling me how much you like that stuff."
"I thought you were fine with it."
"I am. Just, you talk about it enough, I'm gonna have to start giving you shit about it."
"You really don't have to."
"I think I might, actually. Contractual. Big brother, remember?"
How the fuck could I ever forget?
"It's not really about the porn," I said uncomfortably.
"Hm?"
"Like... fuck, this really is gonna make it worse."
"Intriguing."
"The porn's just the closest I can get."
"... Kase?"
"There's not enough story to them. Just... lots of fucking."
"Oh. Ok."
Xander seemed relieved. I'd been so close to revealing that I was fixated on him. Maybe I should have just gone for it. But it could have gone so bad, and I didn't like the way he seemed happier about my criticism of porn vids. Like he wouldn't have been ok if I'd said something else. Something about him.
"I mean, you know there are other options," he said.
"What do you mean?"
"You know. You want story. Have you tried actual stories? Erotica?"
"What's that?"
"Seriously?"
"Yes. Seriously. What is it?"
"How are you my sister? I bizarrely feel like I've failed you as a brother. You're so behind on your knowledge of adult entertainment."
"I'm not! You're not! Just... what?"
"It's porn, but with words. I mean, some of it's way more romance than porn, I guess. Some of it might be what you're looking for."
"I'll, uh, have to check it out."
****
Xander was right. He was so very right. Erotica was what I'd been missing. It was so much closer to what I wanted than porn was.
A lot of it was trash, but I was used to that. Many evenings of clicking through dumb porn plots had inured me to it. Even the stuff that was well written was often so focused on sex as to be a serious impediment.
But some stories... some hit just the right spots for me. Sometimes there were pages and pages of it. Stories of brothers and sisters falling for each other, sleeping together, snuggling, talking, sharing. And sure they'd inevitably fuck, but that was ok.
Sometimes it flowed so naturally that I was dragged along and read the whole thing, seeing the beauty in it all. Other times I skipped over the sexy times and got back to the good stuff.
More and more, though, I was certain that if I ever was going to have sex, it had to be with Xander. It had to be. And maybe... maybe I'd love it. Some stories made me think it would be the pinnacle of my life. Others, I was back to thinking it was something I'd do to make him happy, and that would make me happy, and that was fine. It depended partly on my mood and how horny I was, and how the story was written.
Rarely, but sometimes, I'd get myself off to them. Sometimes in those cases I wanted the dirtier stories. I wanted sisters getting happily pounded by their brothers. I wanted lust-fueled sexy times. I wanted them looking deep into each other's eyes and cumming together and all that shit.
But mostly I wanted all the stuff around sex. Not the sex itself.
I got even more ideas from my obsessive reading. It felt like all I did, at times. My personal hobby. Becoming a connoisseur of incest erotica. And sometimes, some of those ideas could be applied to my reality, with varying degrees of success.
Slowly but with a goal in mind, I began covering myself less around the house. Wearing fewer clothes, or stuff that wasn't quite fully appropriate. It wasn't easy. It couldn't be anything that scandalized Mom or Dad, nor even Xander for that matter. I wanted him to look, to be interested in what he saw, but in a way that didn't freak him out, or that gave away what I was up to.
It was a tight line to walk, and I didn't always hit it right. More than once I got sent back to my room to put something else on. Something I'd never in my life had an issue with.
"Honestly, Kase," Dad said one morning. "Pants at the table. Pants. You always used to wear them."
I shrugged as casually as I could, not looking at Xander though I so badly wanted to know what he thought. "It's no big deal."
"You're right. It's not a big deal to go put pants on."
"I can do it later. I'm hungry."
Dad sighed, torn between affection and annoyance that I hadn't already gone to get dressed. "I don't remember ever having this issue with you before."
"It's not an issue."
I took a chance and sat down just as I was. It really wasn't anything scandalous. A shirt and panties, the latter covered by the former, if more daringly than ever before. Most of my legs were bared, but that shouldn't have been enough to get me in trouble.
"Kasey's just growing up," Mom said.
"I am?"
"I've seen it lately. You're maybe a late bloomer, but you're finding yourself now."
I shook my head and poured myself some cereal. This was not headed where I thought it would.
"Do late bloomers not wear pants?" Dad asked.
"Oh now honestly. Kasey's always been a little shy. I think it's great if she's getting over that. Besides, it's only family here. If we had guests, then yes, pants would be more appropriate."
"Maybe I just won't wear pants tomorrow. See how you like it."
"Don't sulk, dear."
Xander was grinning to himself, wisely staying out of the whole thing. I stared a little too long and caught his eye. He only grinned harder and winked at me. I had no idea what that wink was for.
****
"Erotica was a good suggestion," I said.
"Likin' it, are you?"
"Mmhm."
"Is that what's gotten into you lately?"
"What do you mean?"
"You're different. Everyone can see it. You must know that."
"Well... maybe. Maybe Mom's right. Maybe I'm getting less shy."
"I don't think that's it. I mean, partly, maybe. But it was never about being shy with you, was it? It's that you don't see the point."
"I... don't see... the point?"
"Yeah. In, like, dressing for people. Trying to get their attention. Or whatever. You're getting it though, aren't you?"
I squirmed and unconsciously tugged at my top. I was showing more cleavage than I was used to, still hoping to get one person's attention in particular.
"Maybe."
"Yeah you are. It's great."
"You think?"
"Sure. It's good to be comfortable with stuff like that when you find the right guy. Or girl."
"I'm not-"
"Hey, whatever, I'm just saying."
I nodded and looked down. "So what do you think?"
"Me?"
"Yeah."
"Of you?"
I flushed. "Yeah. Would it work on you?"
Xander was silent for a moment. Without looking at him, I had no indication of what he was thinking. I had to risk peeking at him. He only looked thoughtful.
"It just might," he finally said.
My heart swelled. "Really?"
"Yeah. I think a lot of it would be the extra confidence. But, you know, more leg and boobies never hurt, right?"
I started to cross my arms in embarrassment, then stopped myself. "Right."
"You should think about doing that thing with your hair more too."
"What thing?"
"You know, when you..." Xander made a few motions with his hands, but seemed not to have the words. He struggled a moment, then gave up. "The thing."
"I still don't know what you mean."
"You've done it before. Lots. Like... like this."
He stepped closer and reached for my hair. I stood so very still for him. His touch was so perfect as he fussed with me, trying to recreate something like what he was imagining.
I wanted him to play with my hair for hours. To just feel it. To be with him, and to have him touching me. Just caressing. Feeling cared for.
"Something like that," Xander said all too soon. "But with the braid and everything."
"You know I can't see it."
"Well, yeah, but... but..."
I took my phone out and snapped an awkward selfie. It gave me some sense of what he meant, and actually I did know which hairstyle he meant once I saw.
"Oh. That. Like kinda pulled up and braided on one side, and down and in my face in the other, yeah? You like it like that?"
"Kinda, yeah."
"I could maybe do it more often."
Xander smiled. "You should. It looks good on you."
"Thanks."
****
I wore my hair like Xander liked it. Not always, but a lot more often. He knew it was because he'd asked. He smiled sometimes when he saw me, in a way that made me all melty inside. I had to consciously not do the same thing to my hair every day. It was tempting, but I got better results when I waited a few days in between.
I carried on trying to dress a little more fun. A little sexier, maybe. It got me compliments sometimes, and sometimes those compliments were from Xander, which was what really mattered.
It got me more attention from other boys too, though. Somehow, without meaning to, I picked up another boyfriend. Avery. Probably not quite as nice a guy as I was used to, but it made me feel less horrible about myself knowing that I wouldn't be giving him what he wanted.
And to be fair, I was more explicit about not really being interested in a relationship, so he had fair warning. I said we could hang out sometimes, and maybe we'd make out on occasion, and stuff like that. He said he was fine with it. He was expecting to grow on me, of course, and expecting things to progress. Maybe it was still kind of shitty leaving him that hope, but I'd been very clear that I wasn't going for any of that, so it wasn't all on me.
Xander was seeing someone again too, and maybe that was why I said yes at all to Avery. Some feeling of loneliness or jealousy, or even just that Xander was with someone so there was no point holding out for him until he was single again.
****
Chapter Three: Kasey at Twenty
****
I got a part-time job while still doing school. I needed money. Money for clothes and makeup. Stuff I wouldn't ordinarily have gone for before. I was trying out new things, and I needed the funds for it.
Plus, rather naughtily, I had started messing around with sex toys, and they cost money too. I couldn't exactly ask for financial help buying them from either Mom or Dad.
I got a dildo 'cause I thought it might be fun to have something I could pretend was Xander getting all bad with me. That didn't really work the way it did in my mind. The vibrator I got was better. It felt really nice just having it pressed to my clit, just gentle on me, while I read stories or thought about my brother.
I got another, more powerful vibrator after that one. A magic wand. Mostly because of stuff I'd seen online. I used it much less frequently, but it was so good for getting off when I really, really needed to. That wasn't often, but it was nice to have when I needed it.
The other upside to my job, aside from the money, was Lily. Lily was another girl who worked there, about a year older than me, but close enough to my age as made no difference. I was initially drawn to the ever-changing artful streak in her hair, and her related attitude of not stressing over much, including stuff that would have made me a ball of anxiety. And she seemed to like me, which was important too. She was the closest thing I had to a friend there at first, and later on she became one of my best friends.
At some point, we bonded over Xander. It kind of cemented us in a way that I very much wasn't used to.
"So that guy who picks you up sometimes," Lily asked one day, "that's Avery, yeah?"
"No," I said. "That's Xander."
"Oh. Oh wow, wait, that's your brother?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"I don't know. Just... the way you look at him, I assumed boyfriend."
"I don't have a boyfriend."
"Right, well, the guy you're... what, seeing? The guy you do stuff with sometimes?"
"Sure."
"Just call him your boyfriend. It's easier."
"Not for me."
Lily went quiet. Contemplative. "So what's Xander's deal then?"
"His deal?"
"Or your guys' deal."
"There's no deal."
"I mistook him for your boyfriend, and now you're adamant your actual boyfriend isn't your boyfriend either. There's something."
I looked at Lily. She looked right back. Fuck it. It wasn't a great job. I only liked it for Lily being there some days. If this fucked things up, I could always leave.
"I've got a thing for him," I said bluntly.
"For... Xander?"
"Yeah."
"Your brother?"
"Yes."
"Oh." Lily took a moment with that. "I can see it."
"You can?"
"Yeah. I mean, I've kinda got a thing for him, and I barely know him."
"Don't you dare."
"Ha, relax. I'm more into girls anyway."
"You are?"
"Yeah. Boys are fine sometimes, but girls... yeah, girls are better." She peered at me. "Have you seriously not noticed me flirting with you?"
"Was that... for real flirting?"
"Depended on how you took it."
"Oh."
"Is that ok?"
"I mean, yeah, it's fine. I'm not-"
"No no, I get it. It's ok. Long as you're cool with me being... me. Some people still aren't in this day and age."
"Sure." I shrugged. "I don't really understand how any of that stuff works. Not in any kind of normal way. It's good for people to figure it out, I think. At least what works for them."
Lily smiled. "I like that way of looking at it. But sounds like you've got troubles, huh?"
"You could say that."
"About your brother."
"Yes."
"How long?"
"Oh, fuck, like... I don't even know. It's just kind of always been a thing, maybe. But for a long, long time I was too young for it to be a... a problem."
"Makes sense."
"Apparently I used to sneak into his room when we were little. Like if I was having a bad night or something. I don't think it was on purpose, at least at first. He was just closer. But from what I remember... he was so good about it. I realize now he wasn't really any more mature than I was, but he seemed like he was at the time. It seemed like nothing could hurt me while I was with him."
Lily put a hand to her heart. "Awww. That's cute."
"Shut up."
"No, it is, though."
"You think?"
"Yeah."
"I mean, maybe it was kinda cute. It made me all warm and happy. I remember that. Usually he wouldn't let me sleep with him. But he did sometimes. I wasn't allowed to touch him. I remember that. We had to have our own sides of the bed. But... it was enough. He was there. He was warm, and his bed smelled different from mine. I... I snuck in a couple times when he was away or something. Just 'cause his bed made me sleep better."
"That's adorable."
"Yeah. Or obsessive."
"Do you think you're obsessive."
"Yeah. Probably. I don't mean to be. But just, like, why can I not get it through my head that I should be going after basically any boy other than Xan?"
"Enh. Not the worst, though. Sure you can't really be together, but at least he'd never treat you shitty, right?"
"Never."
"Yeah, see, so there you go. Worst you could do was be with someone shitty to you. By comparison, the doomed romance isn't so bad."
"Huh. Maybe. That's a good way to look at it."
"I think so."
"So... you don't think it's a problem if I don't get over him?"
"It's obviously not ideal. But, like, you know how often I get crushing on straight girls? I'm not exactly ideal either."
"That's not quite as bad."
"No. Maybe not."
I sighed. "I think Xan thinks I'm, like, asexual or something."
"Oh. Are you?"
"I don't think so. But maybe. I just, like, sometimes I think it'd be easier being totally asexual, maybe. So I wouldn't have these feelings for him."
"Yeah, asexual wouldn't cut it. You'd need to be, like, aromantic."
"What?"
"Yeah. Asexual is mostly to do with sex. If you've got romantic feelings, that's a different thing." Lily shrugged. "Unless you just really, really want to bone him and aren't all deeply in love."
"I wouldn't say I'm in love. But... yeah, that makes sense. I don't know that I actually want to... have sex with him. I would, but it's not about that." I considered. "Aromantic, huh?"
"Yeah. But I don't think it's something you can, like, learn. It's just something you are."
"Maybe if I try really hard..."
Lily smiled. "Don't think so."
"Dang."
"Yeah."
"Lily?"
"Hm?"
"I don't know why I told you any of this, but thanks for being pretty great about it."
Lily smiled. "Hey, no worries. It's no fun going through this stuff alone."
"Tell me about it."
****
Maybe it was just having someone who knew and was ok with it. Maybe that was all it took. My fantasies, my thoughts of Xander, made me feel a little less guilty and alone, anyway.
Having it figured out in my head that there was a difference between sex and romance helped too. It seemed so obvious in hindsight, but I wasn't sure I would have put it together on my own. I didn't want to fuck my brother necessarily, but I so badly wanted a relationship with him.
Not that it mattered. I couldn't have either. He was always chasing after other girls. Or in relationships with them. I still had to resign myself to never being the kind of girl he looked at that way.
I got myself kind of in trouble. It was all my confused feelings. Maybe I just wanted to try some things and see what I felt.
Whatever it was, I let myself go too far with Avery. Let him start taking some of my clothes off, let him get his dick out, touched it, stroked it, halfway convinced myself that I might as well try sex. Might as well see.
But I couldn't do it. I didn't want it. The closer we got, the more panicked I got, and the more I just wanted to run.
It was even harder for me because I could see how excited Avery was getting. How much he wanted it. I started to worry, to get truly afraid that he wouldn't accept a no from me. But what else could I do? I didn't want it. I couldn't do it. Just couldn't.
"Stop."
"What?"
"Stop! I... I can't. I don't want to."
Avery looked confused, then hurt, then annoyed bordering on angry. "What?"
"Stop," I repeated. "Give me my shirt."
"Oh seriously?!"
"Yes. Please?"
Avery fell back on the bed with a groan of frustration. His cock was out and hard, his underwear halfway down his legs, his shirt open, but not quite out of the way.
I wrapped my arms around myself, wondering if I dared to just start grabbing my clothes and dressing. I had my panties on, and my jeans only opened enough so he could get at me some. I kind of liked having my pussy touched, but it was better when I did it myself, or used a vibrator. It wasn't good enough to be worth it, at any rate. I wasn't even sure I was getting wet for him.
"What the hell, Kasey? How long are you gonna do this to me?"
"Do what?"
"Be a... cocktease."
I flushed a little angry, but also kind of embarrassed. "I'm not."
"You are."
"I told you! I told you I never wanted anything. Not really."
"Then why did you ever go out with me?"
"You asked. And I thought... I don't know what I thought. But I told you I didn't want to be your girlfriend."
"You... ugh, you don't make any sense. This is torture."
I was getting more angry by the moment, which helped fight my fear and uncertainty, at least. "So find someone else, then! Jesus. Don't put your shit on me. I've got enough of my own."
"Yeah? Like what? What shit do you have?"
"None of your business."
Avery looked disgusted. "Yeah. None of my business great. Fine. Whatever. Just go."
I wanted to remind him he'd driven me, but I didn't quite dare. I picked up my bra, my shirt, whatever of my things I could find. Maybe I'd miss something. I didn't care. I just wanted out of there.
My fingers trembled as I tried to call Xander. I didn't even think about anyone else. Didn't consider it. I needed my brother. He needed to come rescue me.
The phone rang forever before he finally picked up.
"Kase?"
"Come get me," I blurted.
"Um... Kase, I'm kinda with-"
"Please!"
Xander hesitated a moment. It wasn't long at all, but I had a sudden panic he'd say no.
"Are you ok?" he asked.
"No. I'm... I'm safe. But I'm not ok."
"Shit. Ok. Where are you?"
"Just... I'll be in front of Avery's. You remember where?"
"Yeah. I remember. Did he do something?"
"... no. Yes. But no. I don't know."
"Shit shit shit." Xander's voice was in and out a little like he was moving around frantically. "Ok. Find the nearest, like, coffee shop or something, ok? Wait there. Text me where."
I nodded, feeling reassured already. "Ok. Thanks, Xan."
"Yeah. Of course."
I realized that I was still holding my bra in my hand as I marched down the street, fighting tears. I stuffed it in my coat and kept walking. I didn't know what else to do.
The barista at the place I walked into gave me a concerned look and seemed like she wanted to ask about me, but I mumbled my way through an order and she just kind of let it go.
The drink I got was way more chocolatey and sweet than I usually went for. More desert than coffee. It tasted good, though, and comforting. Not unlike a hot chocolate on a cold, miserable day.
Xander rushed in the door a little while later, after I'd finished most of my drink despite trying to sip it slowly. He looked a bit wild, but calmed down when he saw me, and that I was sitting there relatively ok.
"Jesus, Kase. You had me kinda scared."
"Sorry. I was kinda scared myself."
"What happened."
I shrugged. "He wanted sex. I didn't."
"What? Did he..."
"He didn't do anything. It's my fault, kinda. I let him get further than usual. Get my clothes off and stuff."
"It's not your fault," Xander said firmly.
"It kinda is. I told him I didn't want any boyfriend stuff. But, like-"
"No, Kase. It's not your fault."
I felt a warm reassurance in his repetition and conviction. "I shouldn't have gone out with him."
"Maybe not. But... you have to try so you know, right?"
"I guess. I'm tired of trying, though. It's so much work. And so stressful. I don't like it."
"Yeah. Yeah I kinda get that." Xander shook his head. "It's worth it. When you can find something good, even for a little while, it's worth it."
"I wouldn't know."
"Well that's what the trying's for. Although... shit, Kase, I don't want you in situations you're not comfortable with."
I squirmed. "I'm not comfortable with much, seems like. I thought... maybe if I just had sex, if I just did it, maybe stuff would make more sense?"
"It doesn't really work that way. If stuff doesn't make sense before you do it, it probably won't after either."
"Oh. Well... fuck."
Xander chuckled as I dropped a heartfelt f-bomb. "You wanna hang here for a bit? I'm gonna order something if we're sticking around, is all."
I looked up suddenly regaining awareness of something other than myself. "Oh. Oh shit. You were with Beth, weren't you?"
"Kinda, yeah."
"Shit. Like... like how with her?"
"You really want to know?"
"Maybe?"
"Mid-sex."
"Oh no." I buried my face in my hands. "I'm sorry."
"It's fine. She was pissed, but she was fine when she realized you were in trouble."
"But I wasn't! Dammit. Why'd you pick up? I coulda got a cab or something."
"Kase, seriously, like I'm not gonna pick up when you need me?"
I flushed warm inside. I wished I had more of my drink left to hide behind, not just weird, sugary dregs. Why couldn't he say stuff like that more often? That was what I needed in my life.
"I didn't need you as bad as I thought."
"Yeah you did. It's ok. People have emotions. Be ok with that."
"Ok." I looked toward the counter. The same barista who'd served me earlier gave me a questioning look when I caught her eye. I smiled hesitantly like I was ok. Because I was. Nothing could hurt me right now. Xander was here. "Maybe... maybe you should order something?"
Xander nodded easily. "Sounds good. You want something else too?"
"Maybe. Yeah, maybe. Here, I'll pay though. You came out to get me and everything, and-"
"Nah, it's on me, Kase. Just sit tight."
Again that warm flush inside, deeper and more visceral. It was like... like how a date was supposed to feel, I thought. They never did much for me usually. And not that this was a date at all, but Xander showing up and paying for me and just wanting to take care of me... it all felt so nice. Like I mattered.
"You should maybe eat something too. What do you want?"
I broke out of my daydream that must have only lasted a few seconds, though it felt longer. "Oh, uh, actually yeah, I'm kinda hungry. But wait, for real let me give you money for that."
Xander stopped my hand fumbling with my purse. He patted my shoulder. "What do you want?" he repeated with a look in his eye like he wasn't going to let me convince him.
Drink-wise, I only had a tea the second time around. It was nice. A bit odd coming on the heels of my previous drink, but hot and soothing, adding to the warmth inside me from Xander's care and attention.
We sat and drank and ate. I only picked at my food, but we sat for long enough that I finished most of it eventually.
I wanted it to last forever. At least all evening, maybe. Until they kicked us out. I'd been on track for having the worst night in a long, long while. Now, somehow, it was the best.
Just me and Xander having a not-date. Just the two of us. Talking, smiling, laughing. Me being cared about in a way I could never imagine getting from anyone else.
The hard part was knowing how much harder this was going to make any attempt at getting over him. It felt like that was never happening at this rate.
****
"That's amazing," Lily said.
"You think?"
"Yeah! It's like... jeez, I don't know. Like your hero came to your rescue or some shit. I don't know. It's all romantic and stuff."
"It's not, really. He was in the middle of... he was with his girlfriend."
"Well see? That's even better. He chose you."
"Nah. He thought I really needed him."
"You did."
"No. I mean, yeah, kinda. But I woulda been fine."
Lily tapped my shoulder with her fist. "Stop being a bummer and just enjoy it."
I smiled cautiously. "It was so super nice," I admitted.
"There, see?"
"Like, I don't know, I just have this feeling like Xan will always be there when I need him. And he was."
"Right? Sweet. Romantic. Etc."
"And, like, having all his attention. Even if it was for something shitty. That's all I want, really. I just want to always feel like that. Or as much as possible. Like I'm all that matters to him."
"You're so far gone for him, you know that?"
"I am aware, thanks. It's been a struggle."
"It's cute though."
"Ha. Just imagine if he actually felt the same about me and... and stuff... happened."
"Sex?"
"Yeah."
"I dunno. It'd be kinda hot, I guess."
"He's my brother!"
"I know. You're the one with a crush on him. Don't be judging me."
"I'm not. But, like... do you actually think it'd be hot?"
"Kinda, yeah. Brother and sister? Yeah."
I blushed. "That kinda does it for me too," I admitted quietly.
"Well no shit. Obviously with you it would."
"Not so obvious. Not much does it for me."
"Dude, out of everyone I know, you'd be the obvious choice to be into that kink just generally. And at least a few people I know gotta be into it. It's big these days."
"Yeah, really though. You, uh, you have any favourite stuff online?"
Lily grinned. "Porn?"
"Yeah. Maybe. Or... stories?"
"Ooh, stories, huh?"
"I like some plot and romance and stuff, ok? Porn doesn't always do it right. Actually it never does."
"Mmhm. Alright. My secret little kinkster, huh? We got a connoisseur here."
"I don't know about that."
"You know exactly what you're looking for, don't ya? You probably think most stuff's trash, and you only go for real quality."
"What's wrong with that? No ones wants trash."
"When it comes to sex and romance and shit? Yeah, sometimes they do, actually. I know sometimes I just want something hot and dirty."
I shook my head. "No way. Gotta be done right. Hot and dirty's a waste if it's not set up well."
"Mmhm. Connoisseur. Or snob, maybe. Incest porn snob. Now there's something I never thought I'd see."
"Oh shush."
Lily just grinned. "Hey, wanna watch some stuff with me sometime? You can show me some of your favs."
"What, together?"
"If you're cool with it. You could just send me links or something if you want."
"I can't... that's..." I screwed up my face. "No one watches porn together. That's not what it's for."
"It's fun. You should try it."
"You've done it?"
"Yep. Well, only with a girlfriend. But I liked it when we did it."
"It'd be weird for us."
"Why? I already know what you're into."
"No but like..." I felt myself blushing red enough that Lily had to notice. "Like... we couldn't... get off together."
Lily laughed. I felt embarrassed for a moment, but it wasn't that kind of laugh. It wasn't teasing. Or at least, it mainly wasn't.
"Oh, Kase. Sure we can if we want. But nah, we don't have to watch it like that. We can just watch it. Just have fun. If you want to."
"Oh. Well... maybe."
"I'll take a maybe."
****
The memory of my rescue stuck with me longer than it did with Xander or Lily, or anyone else who might know, I assumed. I thought about orchestrating another scenario somehow, another occasion where he could come save me and care about me and make me feel special the way I so desperately wanted. It was a bad idea for several reasons, and I gave up on it.
I did other stuff, hoping it would have an effect. I made sure to wear my hair the way Xander liked, and I dressed skimpier around him when I could. Sometimes as daring as a cami and panties, leaving legs, midriff, and cleavage all well on display, as well as my panty-covered butt if he wanted to look.
He did look at times, I thought. Not quite the way I wanted, but at least somewhat appreciatively, perhaps.
Mom and Dad weren't thrilled, but whatever. Mom at least was supportive, seemingly understanding some of what I was going through. I did catch her frowning at times when I was too underdressed, same as Dad did.
Xander never minded how little I wore, but it was frustrating not to know for sure if he liked it.
"You know what's weird?" Xander asked while we were hanging out in his room.
"No. Tell me."
"You might actually be the girl who dresses sexy around me the most."
A small, thrilling surge of victory hit me inside. I tried not to smile like a total lunatic. "You think I look sexy?"
"Well obviously. A lack of clothing is, like, a pretty good bet. And you're pulling it off these days."
I looked down at myself. Cami and short shorts today. And Xander fucking liked it!
"Thanks."
"Honestly, Kase, if you ever find the right guy, he's gonna be super lucky."
I nodded and toyed nervously with the braid I'd put in my hair. The one I wore most days now, just for Xander.
"I think... I think it still wouldn't work on 'the right guy'."
"I can't see why not."
"Well... it hasn't yet."
"Oh?" Xander's eyebrows went up. "Are you telling me there's someone you haven't told me about? How long?"
"Long."
"What? Hm. You're gonna have to give me a hint. But, like, why haven't you gone after him instead of these other guys you've been with?"
"Couldn't."
"Why not?"
"It's complicated."
"Oh." Xander shrugged. "Well you don't have to tell me. But you can."
"You wouldn't like it."
"Try me."
"You wouldn't!"
"I said try me."
My heart pounded. He was forcing me. It took discipline to never tell him the truth. If he pushed, how was I supposed to hold it back.
"You can't get mad."
"I won't."
"Promise?"
"Kase, it's me."
I nodded. That was enough. Xander. My big brother. He wouldn't be mad. But he'd reject me. I knew he would. He didn't know what he was leading me into, but he'd gone and done it now.
"Yeah," I said. "It's you."
"Right. So who is it?"
"You."
"No, who's the guy?"
"You."
"Kase?"
"Dammit, Xan, it's you. It's always been you."
Xander took a long time to process. I could see him working through it. See it in his eyes.
"Me?"
"You."
"That doesn't make any sense."
I laughed weakly. "Sure it does."
"But... it's not 'cause of, like, that stuff you're into, is it? The porn? Because-"
"I'm into the porn because of you," I said softly. "Not vice versa."
"Oh. What? Oh. Oh Kase."
"Yeah." I sighed. "Sad, huh?"
"It's... something."
"So go on."
"Go on what?"
"Tell me what you think."
"I don't know what to think."
I smiled sadly. "Sure you do."
"Kase, I really don't."
"You think it's weird."
"I don't."
"No?"
"No. But it's confusing. I don't understand... really? It's me?"
"Yes. Of course it's you."
"Why me?"
I sighed and hugged my arms around me, regretting my lack of clothing all of a sudden. I needed something for comfort, and didn't have it. "It just is. That's all. It happened. And it's so far back that it's not really obvious when."
"Oh. But... you've never liked guys. Not really."
"None except you."
"Oh Kase..."
"Yeah, I know. Pathetic. But it is what it is."
"Not pathetic. Just... unfortunate."
"Hm, yeah, that too." I fell back on Xander's bed, back to not caring what he did or didn't look at. And maybe hoping just a little that he was looking at something. "Maybe it was that time you pushed a kid for me. That one who kept bugging me when I was... fuck, I don't know. Little. Or maybe it was when Mittens died and I was a wreck and you kind of held me together somehow." I shrugged. "I really don't know what it was. But you've always been there, you know? Always."
"I'm your brother."
"I'm aware."
"Like, brothers are there for sisters. It happens lots."
"Not like you."
"You make me out as something I'm not."
"Just how I see you. You gave up sex for me."
"Not permanently."
"No. But you did. That night."
"Yeah, well, you needed me."
I smile wanly. "Exactly. You've never not been there when I needed you. And... and you always make me feel better. Everything's better when you're there. Good stuff's better. Bad stuff's less bad. You can melt me with a smile. Especially when I know it's just for me."
"Kase, come on."
"I'm just saying. It's not some flighty thing. It's how I feel. I don't want anyone else. I just want you. And I can't have you. I know that. So I steal what I can."
"So... the outfits?"
"To see if I got your attention, yeah. It kinda worked."
"Jeez. It kinda did. I didn't realize..." Xander shook his head. "You tricked me."
"Sorry. It's all I've got. You've been so good to me, and all I've got is... I don't know. Boobs, I guess. You like boobs."
"Are you kidding me?"
I cringed. "You don't like them?"
"No. I mean yes. Kind of. Don't confuse me. I'm saying you're amazing, Kase. You don't need to flash skin at me. You've been there for me just as much as I have for you."
"Nah."
"Yeah. You have. Every break up, you've been there."
"'Cause it makes me happy some other girl doesn't have you for a while."
Xander snorted. "Well yeah, ok. But you actually really help. Just so you know."
"Oh."
"Or, like, you do actually make some good points about who I'm seeing. In between petty snark. It helps me not be too stupid sometimes."
"Again, self-serving."
"Sure. I guess. Shit, I don't know, now you're in my head. Kase, you're the best sister I could have hoped for, ok? And if it's all because... because you want to have sex and stuff-"
"What? Ew. No. I don't want that." I hesitated. "I mean, I would if you wanted. But that's not what I want."
"You don't?"
"No. I just want... I want to be your girlfriend, ideally. I want you to always look at me the way you sometimes do, when I'm the only one you're thinking about. And you know, if sex would get that for me..."
"We're not having sex, Kase."
"No, I know. Just saying. It's on the table."
"Well take it off."
"Nope."
"Fine. Whatever. Don't act like you don't want it, though. The problem with me knowing the porn you're into is playing coy doesn't work."
"Only because of you! I told you. All I really want is the stories that, like, tell it properly. That aren't all fucking and banging and stuff."
"They're still incest."
"Thought you didn't care about that."
"I don't. But there's context to it now. And... and I don't know if it's healthy."
"Obviously it's not healthy! Are you kidding? Obviously it's not."
"Oh. Well... good, then. As long as we're clear."
"We're very clear. Ask me if it helps any."
"... does it help any?"
"It does not."
"Oh. Damn."
"Yeah."
I lay there on Xander's bed. I longed to bury myself under his covers and cocoon myself in. To take solace and comfort in being surrounded by his scent and lingering presence. It probably wouldn't have gone over particularly well though.
Silence reigned for a time. I was thinking. Xander was thinking. We were both kind of worked up and unsure of ourselves.
"I still love you, you know," he said quietly.
I managed a weak smile. "Thanks."
"You're my sister. Always. That's not changing."
"Yeah. Unfortunately."
"No. Not unfortunate. Whatever you think right now, I wouldn't change us being sibs for anything. And I don't think you would either."
"It's like you know me or something."
"Yeah. Maybe I know you."
I groaned. "No, Xan, I wouldn't give you up for anything either. But... dammit I just wish I had a chance, you know?"
"Kase..."
"No, I get it. I understand. And if I wasn't you sister, I'd have even less of you. Way less. But it hurts. It hurts a lot sometimes."
Xander smiled crookedly. "Guess I was wrong. I thought going out with boys would help you see some of the good parts of relationships. Maybe you already knew."
"It's torture!"
"Yeah. That's part of it."
"I don't like it!"
"That's part of it too. But you know, don't you? That you put up with it all because sometimes... sometimes there's nothing in the world that comes close."
Fuck. I did know. The good moments with Xander were the best dang parts of my life. And the bad parts were, as I'd stated, torturous.
"Why'd it have to be you," I whispered.
"That I can't answer."
"Damn."
"Yeah."
"Thanks for trying."
Xander snorted and moved closer. He ran his hand over my head sympathetically, petting me like I was a sad puppy rather than a very sad sister. "You'll be ok."
"Will I?"
"Yes."
"... will you play with my hair some more?"
Xander chuckled softly. "You think that's appropriate?"
"No. Do it anyway?"
"Will it make you feel better?"
"Yes. Probably not long term. But for a little while it will."
Xander weighed his options, then nodded. "Ok. But no getting more attached."
"How would I possibly get more attached than I already am?"
"Just sayin'. Don't."
Laying my head in Xander's lap and letting him tease my hair helped to salvage the day. Between that and our whole conversation, which honestly didn't go as disastrously as it might have, I had mixed and complicated feelings for a long while afterward.
At least I still had my brother.
****
Chapter Four: Kasey at Twenty-One
****
"You can't move out!"
"Kase, I-"
"You can't! Don't even say it!"
"Look, you know things with Beth have gotten pretty serious."
"Yeah, but-"
"This is what people do. They move in together."
"Doesn't mean you have to."
"I want to."
"But-"
"Look, I'm done with university. My job's going ok. I've got a girlfriend, and we're good together. You don't even hate her."
"I do now."
"I know. But really, we can't stay home forever. You know that."
I folded my arms and shook my head in childish petulance. "It's not fair."
"No, it's not fair. I agree with you there. But... maybe some space wouldn't be a bad thing in the long run? Not right away, but eventually. Maybe."
I felt myself tearing up. I wanted to hold it together. To try and pretend like I could handle it. But I couldn't.
"It's... it's not fair," I repeated, not quite crying yet.
"I know. I'm sorry."
I turned around. Xander already knew I was breaking down. It wouldn't do any good to try and hide it. But I tried anyway.
"Ok. Whatever."
"Kase-"
"Whatever! Go, then."
"This has nothing to do with you, you know. I don't love you any less."
"I never should have told you how I felt."
"Ok, obviously this has nothing to do with that."
"It... whatever. Just go."
"I-"
"Go!"
I hated being shitty to Xander, but I didn't know what else to do. I needed to be alone. I needed him out of my room. Most times if things were bad, I wanted him as close as possible. When things were bad because of my feelings for him, sometimes I needed the opposite. This moment in particular, I just couldn't handle having him in my room.
He was going to leave me. Of course he was. I had to have known it would happen eventually. But in my little fantasy world, we'd live together forever. I didn't know how I'd thought that would work.
Finally alone, I cried. I just cried. Nothing else to be done. I couldn't stop him. Couldn't break him and Beth up. Couldn't prevent time from marching on.
If I somehow did something drastic enough that he couldn't leave, it'd only strain our relationship, and I knew it. That didn't stop it being tempting to do... something.
Mom came in after the worst of my emotions had flowed out of me. By then, I was mostly just curled up in a ball, occasionally sobbing.
"He's not going that far, you know," Mom said gently.
"Too far."
"I know. It feels that way, doesn't it?"
"I hate it."
Mom's hand landed on my shoulder, gently rubbing in circles. I tensed against it, then slowly relaxed, and eventually rolled onto my tummy so she could rub my back. Neither of us said anything about it. It was like I was a kid again, and for the moment I didn't care at all. It was comforting, and I needed it.
"It's not easy for me either," Mom said. "My babies getting all grown up. You'll be moving out soon too, I expect."
"Maybe."
"And I've just got to watch you go. I can't hold you back. That would only hurt you."
"Xan hurt me."
"No, sweetie. He's just living his life. He doesn't want to leave you, but you know he has to have his own life, don't you?"
I squirmed. "Does he really have to?"
"Yes."
"Damn."
"I love how close you two have always been. Never fighting like some siblings do. Never had to worry about you when you were together. You'd always look after each other."
"Xan looked after me."
"Mmhm. You were there for him too. Don't think I haven't noticed."
"Not the same."
"Maybe it seems that way. I think you both just do it without thinking. You could help him after breakups in a way I never knew how. Or when he broke his leg that time."
I smiled despite myself. "He thought he was gonna be a skateboarder."
"Mmhm. At first, while he was stuck in bed or on the couch, I couldn't pry you away from him. He would have been miserable if you weren't there looking after him and just... being with him. We had to drag you away at night just to make sure you slept. And I still remember finding you asleep next to him some mornings."
I smiled a little wider, cracks of happiness marring the otherwise smooth surface of my current tragedy. "He tried to learn to use the crutches. And he was sooo bad at it."
"He got there. But yes, he was at first."
"Well what's he gonna do now if he does something stupid again, huh?"
"He'll deal with it. It's not like you won't see each other, but maybe it's good to sometimes grow on your own. Maybe?"
"Ugh. Don't want to."
"I know. It's not going to be easy."
"No. It's not."
****
I sat next to Lily on her bed, staring vacantly at the porn playing on her tablet propped up in front of us. It was an incest scene. It almost always was with us.
It had been weird at first watching this stuff with her, but fun and exciting too. It made me feel less alone. These days it barely even registered as anything abnormal.
Lily was bottomless and casually rubbing herself. I'd taken my jeans off, but just kind of sat there without ever touching my panties, let alone beneath them. I couldn't cum as easily as she could at the best of times. With my heart still heavy at losing Xander, I didn't even feel like bothering.
Lily made herself cum before she finally stopped the video. "Not in the mood, huh?"
"Nah."
"Thought it might help."
"Sometimes it does." I sighed heavily. "I don't think much of anything could help right now."
"He's only been moved out a week. It might get better."
"Yeah. It might." My heart tightened. "I miss him so much."
"I know."
"He still came over on the weekend, but only for a couple hours, and mostly only to grab some more of his stuff."
"Oof."
"I slept in his bed last night."
"Yeah?"
"Still smells like him. I'm dreading the day Mom decides to wash his bedding and put it away. She will, you know."
"Well... yeah, I get that. Can you just ask her not to?"
"I can't imagine that would go over well."
"Why not? Just tell her you want to... smell him... sometimes... Ok yeah, maybe don't do that."
"Yeah."
"Well, like, steal his pillows or something. Just play it off like you want them for Maximum Comfort or something. It might help."
"Maybe. It's gonna be brutal anyway. Whatever I do."
"It is. But you're hanging in there, yeah?"
"Technically."
"Make him visit more. Go visit him."
"Friggin' Beth's always around!"
"Friggin' Beth," Lily agreed supportively.
"You know the worst part?"
"No."
"I don't even hate her. I want to, but she's actually nice. She's good for Xan. I can see it."
"Oh."
"Usually it's so easy to hate them. But I can't even with her. Even though... shit, I'm pretty sure she was the first girlfriend he had sex with."
"You think?"
"Best I can figure. Maybe he and Milly did it. I don't know."
"How would you know these things?"
"Best guesses is all. I know exactly the first time Xan and Beth had sex. He was so fucking happy for days. Like irritatingly happy."
"Oh. Yeah. That kind of thing. I getcha."
"Or maybe he's fucked them all. Every fucking girl. Except me. Everyone except me."
"Don't spiral, Kase."
"Doin' my best."
"I know. You don't even want to fuck him anyway."
"No, but... if he wanted..."
"Yeah, dude, I know. But that's not what you want. Not good to fixate on it."
"Easier said than done."
"Sure. Most things are. Plus you just said you only thought it was Beth. Not, like, 'everyone'."
"That's true. Doesn't help much, but yeah, you're right. I might be spiraling a little."
"No way, really?"
"Shush."
"I think it's good at least that you're not instinctively hating Xan's girlfriends anymore."
"Maybe. Could just be Beth though. Maybe she's just, like, actually not a bad person or something. Maybe she can make Xan happy. I do want him to be happy."
"Yeah, of course."
"But, like, how'm I gonna be happy?"
"Shit, that's the trick alright. Pretty sure everyone asks themselves that."
"Are you happy?"
"Enh. I'm doing ok, I think. Be happier if I could find the right person. You know, kinda like you."
"A girl?"
"Probably. Not necessarily, but probably."
I nodded, feeling just stupid enough to carry on my line of thought. "What about me?"
"Uh... in what sense?"
"Like you kinda liked me, right?"
"Well yeah. Still kinda do, but just low-key. Not a big deal. What are-"
I moved quick, darting in to kiss Lily. She was very clearly surprised. Even once she figured out what was happening, she let the kiss linger a moment before pushing me away.
"Kase, don't."
"But you like me."
"Yeah. But that's not you."
"How do you know? Maybe that's why I don't really want boys. Maybe I like girls."
"But you don't, do you?"
I struggled internally. "Well... no. I don't think so."
"Don't try and force it."
"But... but..." I slumped back. "I'm sorry."
"It's ok. It was a nice kiss, if that helps."
I snorted. "Yeah. I mean actually, it was kinda nice. I think maybe... maybe I've never started a kiss."
"What? Really?"
"Yeah. I've been ok with kissing boys sometimes. But never really excited enough to want to go for it. Just, like, let it happen when they wanted to."
"Well gee. I feel special now."
"You should."
"Did it... do anything for you?"
"Ugh. No. Not really. And... and I just realized your pussy's still out, and now I feel even weirder about what I did."
Lily laughed softly. "I'll put pants back on."
"I appreciate it."
"It really wasn't a bad kiss."
"Thanks?"
"If you ever feel like you actually really might like me, I'd do it again."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. But I'm not being your get-over-Xander-free card."
"No. I know. Sorry again."
"It's cool."
"I don't think it'd really get me over him anyway."
"No. Probably not. You want ice cream?"
I nodded. "Yeah. Yeah I really do."
"Great. Go pick some up and we'll have at it."
"Oh you dick. That's such a tease."
Lily beamed angelically. "You owe me one. You just surprise-kissed me."
"You said we were cool!"
"We are. We'd be even cooler if you get us ice cream."
"Right. Because it's cold. Ha ha, etcetera."
"I didn't actually mean it that way, but yeah, that too."
"You know this means I gotta put pants back on too."
"The world is just full of hardships."
****
Chapter Five: Kasey at Twenty-Two
****
I moved in with Lily. Her roommates left and she needed some new ones anyway. I was one, this guy Brendan was another. He and Lily were already kind of friends, and we got along well enough, so it was fine.
It was good for me. I couldn't handle living at home without Xander. As predicted, Mom had washed his bedding and ruined me being able to sneak in and sleep in his bed to pretend like he was still around. For a while I'd still been able to curl up in one of my brother's hoodies I'd stolen, but that wasn't nearly enough.
The good news was I probably grew out of some of my obsession. I hated to think that other people had been right, that it wouldn't be so bad, that I'd actually come out better in the end. They were right, though. I didn't strictly need Xander in my life. I missed him, but I could function. Even enjoy myself.
I still texted with Xander frequently, and we met up sometimes. I tried to get once a week with him, but sometimes it was two or three weeks between visits.
I was waiting for him at a coffee shop this time. Coffee dates were easy and reminded me of the time he'd rescued me.
"Hey, Kase."
I looked up from my phone and smiled. "Hey, Xan."
"Waiting long?"
"Nah. I was early anyway."
"Mmhm. I'ma grab a coffee and be right back."
I nodded and went back to my phone while Xander was ordering. Really, though, I watched him while pretending to be looking down.
He looked good. He always did to me. But maybe... maybe he didn't look like he was putting quite the same effort in as I was used to. I'd been noticing a faint trend toward slacking off. Ever since he and Beth moved in together, I thought. Like he just didn't feel the same need to attract attention these days.
"How's it like being out of school finally?" Xander asked.
"Pretty good. It was getting tiresome."
"Yeah. I get that. I miss parts of it, but overall... nah, don't miss it."
"Mmhm. My job's going good too. I wasn't sure at first, but they're finally letting me do some of the stuff I'm supposed to be there for."
"What were you doing before?"
"Like... busywork. Printing stuff. Entering data."
"Oof."
"Yeah. Had to tell them that wasn't why I wanted the job. I got a degree for a reason, and it wasn't to be an intern."
"Went well?"
"Yep."
"Nice." Xander favoured me with a broad smile. "You're really figuring the world out, huh?"
I shrugged. "I don't know about that."
"I do. Honestly, you might not like to hear it, but I think you're doing better without me around all the time."
I fidgeted with my half-finished drink. "No, you're right. I do hate it, but yeah, it was good for me."
"I'm glad."
"It's... it's whatever. It's good. I miss you."
"I know. I still wake up sometimes and think you're gonna be there. Start thinking about, like, asking what you want for breakfast, or if you need a drive. Then I remember... you know."
"You think that stuff?"
"Not a lot. But sometimes. I miss living with you too, you know."
"Well good. You should miss me."
"I do."
I nodded like it was settled. "So, uh, how's Beth?"
Surprisingly, Xander seemed to struggle with a fairly usual and innocuous question. "She's... good."
"Is she?"
"Yeah."
"Buuuttt?"
"I don't know. She's talking about getting married."
I choked on my coffee. "What?"
"Yeah. Like not right away. But she thinks maybe we should at least get engaged or something?"
"Really? Isn't it kinda early for that?"
"That's what I thought," Xander said, seeming relieved that I agreed. "Like I really like her and everything. And living together's going good. But... I'm not ready to be married."
"What's the hurry?"
"Exactly. But maybe... maybe I just go along with being engaged? See how that goes?"
"Xan..."
"I know. I shouldn't do it if I don't want to."
"Correct."
"But I don't not want to, if that makes sense. I'm not sure. And engaged isn't as crazy as married."
"You get engaged, she's gonna push for marriage."
"Probably, right?" Xander sighed. "I kinda miss just dealing with you wanting to get in my pants. Simpler times."
I giggled softly and looked around to make sure no one heard. Though to be fair, no one knew us, or that I was his sister. "I never tried to get in your pants."
"Easy to say now."
"I never did! Being in love with you and wanting to bone you are two different things."
"Ah. So you never wanted to bone me. Good to know."
I shifted awkwardly. "Well... maybe not never..."
"Ha. I miss you, Kase."
"Could always move in with me. I'll leave my roommates, you leave your girlfriend. We could get back to our weird little codependent sibling thing."
"I could be down for that. Lemme give this thing with Beth a go first. Your plan can be the backup."
There was conflict within me between the easy, mildly fucked up banter we slid into, and the sad knowledge that I wasn't going to get picked over Beth. I knew that right from the start, of course. But I liked to pretend even just for a moment.
Still, it wasn't as heartbreaking as it would have been even a year ago. I was getting better and more independent all the time. Didn't mean I had to like it.
"Your funeral," I said, feigning disinterest as best I could.
"It's gonna be fine," Xander said, trying to convince himself as much as me.
"I'm sure she'd be glad to hear that it'll be... 'fine'."
"Oh shush. How's your love life going?"
"Low blow, bro. Low blow."
"Hey, I don't know. Maybe you actually found someone. How'm I to know if I don't ask?"
"Me and Mr. Vibey are doing just fine, thanks for your interest."
"Mr. Vibey? You don't really-"
"No. It doesn't have a name. I'm not that weird."
"Good to know."
"I'm thinking of trying out butt plugs."
Xander went gratifyingly pink. "Kase!"
"You asked."
"I did not ask about your masturbation habits."
"You essentially did."
"I did not."
"Lily says butt play's pretty fun sometimes. I thought-"
"Still didn't ask!"
"No." I grinned devilishly. "But you're going so red I couldn't help myself."
"Well... stop."
"Poor innocent brother. Such a prude."
"Not wanting to hear about my little sis sticking things up her... butt... does not make me a prude."
"You didn't care about my vibrator."
"That's... I don't know. That's easier. Normal."
I arched an eyebrow. "Ooh, ok, so you actually are a prude. How did I never know?"
"I'm not!"
"Have you even done any butt stuff?"
"What, me? Or with a girl?"
"Either."
"... no."
I cackled gleefully. "I finally got one up on you!"
"Whatever."
"At least I've tried-"
"Please don't tell me what you've tried."
"Don't you wanna knooowww?"
"No."
"Even if-"
"Nuh uh."
"-it was just fingers?"
"What part of 'I don't want to know' is confusing you?"
"Oh I get it. I'm just loving this."
"I bet you are."
"You know, if Beth won't do that stuff, you could always-"
"Kase, I don't want to threaten our coffee dates. But if you finish that sentence..."
I threw my hands up. "Done! I'm done."
"Good."
"Prude."
"Little shit."
I grinned.
Xander shook his head. "I think I miss the days of you being all repressed and semi-asexual and whatever."
"Oh I still am. Don't worry. Just... I try stuff sometimes. Lily's been good for that."
"Oh yeah? Anything going on there?"
"Ha, no. Not like that. Nothing romantic."
"Ah. Oh well."
"But she has shown me some stuff."
"... in what sense?"
"Thought you didn't want to know."
"You're right. I don't."
"But you were cuuurious for a sec, huh?"
"Maybe."
"Me with another girl, eh? That's what does it for you?"
"Not hardly."
"It did. For a sec it totally did."
"Stop grinning like that."
"Can't."
"You're a weird girl, Kase."
"Yeah. I've been told."
****
"Are you fingering your butt?" Lily asked.
"... if I say no-"
"I can see you doing it."
"Yeah, well, why ask then?"
"It's odd for you."
"No it's not. I do it sometimes."
"Not in front of me."
"I don't masturbate a lot when it's not our porn night." I shrugged. "I wanted to mess around with it some more. I didn't think you were gonna judge."
"Not judging. Just... impressed?"
"Impressed?"
"I think so. Very adventurous for you."
"Ugh. You and Xan both. How come it's such a surprise that I-"
"First of all, because you're you. Second of all, what's Xan got to do with anything?"
"He's never done butt stuff. Once I started bragging about having him beat, I kinda felt like I needed more experience. Just to test stuff."
"Uh huh. You have the weirdest sibling relationship, you know that?"
"We both knew that already."
"True."
Lily went back to watching the video in front of us. I resumed fingering myself.
Unlike usual, I was concentrating on my ass, as Lily had so cunningly noticed. It was no big thing. Or it shouldn't have been. Then again, I probably would have said something if I'd caught her fingering her bum instead of her pussy, so who was I to call foul?
When I'd played with my ass before, it hadn't been anything overly meaningful. Just a test, really. Just to see if maybe it explained some stuff about sex that I wasn't getting. It didn't really. It was ok, but nothing either mind-blowing or sickeningly perverse, as seemed to be the two major schools of thought.
"You mind if Brendan joins us?" Lily asked.
I jolted my mind away from my booty and tried to focus on the question. "With what?"
"Our porn night."
"What, seriously?"
"Yeah. Is it ok? We could watch on the tv in the living room if we didn't have to keep it all secret."
I tried to look serious, but with a fingertip up my ass it was a hard sell. "Lily, did you already tell him about it?"
"Maybe."
"Lily!"
"Well he was curious."
"So what?"
"He's our roommate. He's cool. It's fine."
"Says you. I don't want to have to stop watching what we want to just so-"
"Oh, no. No no. He's cool with incest vids."
"... he is?"
"Yeah."
"You told him everything?"
"It kinda happened. It was going so well, and we just kept talking."
"Ugh."
"Come on. You like Brendan."
"I like lots of people that I don't want to share my dirty side with."
"That's fair. Give it a try anyway?"
"Is he gonna perv on me?"
"I dunno. Probably not."
"Great."
I had my doubts, but went along with it the next time we were having a porn night. It was definitely a little awkward at first, but it actually wasn't too bad. I kept all my clothes on at first and made Lily sit on the couch with Brendan while I took the recliner.
Lily wasn't bothered and was first to strip her jeans and panties off so she could freely rub herself.
She had to repeatedly nudge Brendan before he finally got his dick out. He didn't seem any much more comfortable than I was at first.
Once they were both masturbating, I felt like it was probably fine if I did too. I left my panties on and just sneaked my fingers in underneath, still not quite willing to give Brendan a show in case he looked my way, which he occasionally did.
"You guys really do this a lot?" Brendan asked.
"For sure," Lily said. "Had to always be on my little tablet though. The big screen's way better."
"And it's always... incest?"
"Nearly always, yeah. Sometimes I pick something else. Kasey's a one-track girl though."
"Oh shut up," I said, flushing slightly. "Don't blame me."
"It's genuinely mostly because of you though," Lily said. "I never watched nearly so much incest porn before we started doing this."
I shook my head and pulled my knees up, curling into more of a ball while still rubbing myself. "You make me sound like a total perv."
"Which is funny considering how horny you generally aren't."
Brendan looked back and forth between us. "I'm missing something, aren't I?"
"Lots of things," Lily said. "Enjoy the show, would you?"
All three of us pretended to go back to watching the porn on the tv. It wasn't particularly doing much for me, though, and I kind of just left my hand covering my pussy, barely moving.
The initial setup had been kind of sweet. A sister all nervous for prom. Her brother danced with her some before she went, made her feel more confident. When she got back, she sneaked into his room and they talked some.
Then they boned. They always boned. Never just fell asleep all cuddled and snug. It was ok, but not what I wanted.
As soon as sex happened, that's all it was. Maybe they'd call each other 'brother' or 'sister' sometimes, but it lost all meaning. It kinda sucked. Sometimes vids could still do it for me at that point. This one couldn't.
Lily and Brendan didn't have that problem. They played with themselves while watching the action. Brendan even scooted his pants down to his ankles and freed up more of his cock for stroking and for someone to peek at if she wanted. Which I did.
It wasn't really sexual. Not like I was getting off on seeing his penis. It was more just that I was used to Lily being bottomless, and us casually being together half naked. A boy with his cock out that wasn't expecting me to do stuff was a bit of a novelty.
It gave me ideas, honestly. Thoughts of Xander in particular. Wondering if there was ever a world where he and I did something like this. Masturbating together to videos of pretend siblings falling for each other.
That was wishful thinking, of course. He wasn't interested that way. And even if he was, he had a girlfriend he was about to get engaged to.
At least my little daydream got me kind of worked up again. Gave me something to rub myself to, even if it wasn't enough to really get me there. I needed something way better to cum. Lots of times I didn't finish. It was fine. I wasn't even jealous much of Lily these days, and her superhuman ability to usually cum when she wanted to.
Though admittedly, it probably just meant she was normal, and only seemed to have powers relative to my dysfunctional self.
****
Mom and Dad were thrilled to hear Xander and Beth were engaged. I had to endure a family dinner with everyone gushing about it.
For the most part, I stayed quiet and picked at my food. Xander had moments in between acting excited where he went just as quiet as me. No one seemed to notice. Just the two of us at times, making knowing eye contact across the table.
We somehow made an excuse to stand outside by ourselves for a bit after dinner. Xander casually sipped at a half-emptied beer bottle. I'd already had two glasses of wine and needed to chill so I could drive myself home later. The buzz was already on the downswing, and I needed to just let it fade no matter how much more pleasant it would have been to ride the evening comfortably drunk.
"Pulled the trigger, huh?"
Xander shrugged. "Wouldn't say that. Married would be the trigger, wouldn't it? More like cocked the gun, if anything."
"Hehe, cocked."
"It's a real word."
"I know. But it's funny."
"You're taking this remarkably well."
"Oh, I hate it, thanks for asking."
"No, I know. But you haven't been actively sulking."
"True. Seemed uncouth."
"Fair." Xander took another drink. "We're gonna be happy."
"Never said you weren't."
"We love each other."
"Who you arguing with, Xan?"
"Just sayin'."
"Mmhm."
"I'm not ready to get married yet."
"I know."
"But I should be."
"Who's to say when you 'should be'?"
"It's good though. The sex has been way better since we did the whole 'engaged' thing."
"Thanks for sharing?"
"Beth's happy."
"Xan, listen, you don't have to get married. And even if you do, it doesn't have to be yet. Stay engaged a while. See how it goes."
"That's the plan. I'm already worried for when she gets impatient though."
"Have you told her any of this?"
"How can I do that? She'd be crushed."
"Seems like you dug yourself quite a hole then, didn't ya?"
Xander sighed. "Yeah. I think I did. This is supposed to be fun. It's so stressful."
"Even with the good sex?"
"That helps. Lots of other stuff's good. I don't mean to imply it isn't. I'm happy with her."
"Uh huh."
"I'd be happier if... if we could just be together, you know? Why we gotta be making it a whole thing?"
"Don't ask me. She's your girlfriend. Sorry, your betrothed."
"Ugh."
I grinned. "And just think. You coulda had me instead. Never woulda been any issue about marriage."
"You mean 'cause it's mildly illegal?"
"That too, I guess. I just meant I wouldn't really care."
"At all?"
"Nah. Well, maybe I shouldn't say at all. It'd feel kinda nice everyone knowing we were together, I guess. Even if that's the impossible cherry on the already-nearly-impossible sundae."
"You still think about stuff like that?"
"Sure. Less than I used to. It helps not always having you around. It sucks too. But at least I think about other stuff. I still basically only get off to brother and sister stuff online."
"You know I don't need details like that."
"You asked."
"I did. Not that specific, but I did."
I hesitated while Xander took another drink. "There's this guy Brendan..."
"Your roommate? Or another one?"
"No. Him. He's kinda interesting."
"Oh?"
"Yeah."
"Like for real?"
"I think so. Maybe. I don't know that I could really be into him. Not like in a normal way. But he's been watching porn with me and Lily. He's kinda into that stuff too."
"... you watch porn together?"
"Yeah. Have I never said?"
"Maybe. You'd think I'd remember that, though."
"Mmm. 'Cause you do so enjoy the thought of me and Lily messing around, don't ya?"
"You continue to misinterpret things. Deliberately, I assume."
"Enh."
Xander shrugged. "Well if Brendan already knows what you're into, could be a good thing."
"Yeah. I think so."
"Makes it easier when you want to explore your kink some more. Since he already knows about it."
"Does make it easier. Never dared bring it up before." I shivered slightly even though it wasn't that cold out. "You think he'd be ok with, like, calling me his sister or something?"
"Don't know. Don't really want to know."
"Oh come on. You're curious too."
"Do you even know if he's interested in the first place?"
"Well... no. But he probably is. Boys like girls who will play with their dicks. If I offer, I'm probably in."
"I... shit. I wanted to say it's not that simple, but it definitely can be."
"Mmhm."
"That's not a solid basis for a relationship, let's put it that way."
"Who said anything about a relationship? I just wanna see if I feel anything for a guy who can... push my buttons."
"You want him to pretend to be me or what?"
I felt my face warm. "Not... not exactly. Just pretend to be a brother, maybe. That's all. He couldn't be you."
"That's a relief."
I looked at Xander, feeling self-conscious. "But you know my interest in this stuff comes from you," I said softly. "Not the other way around."
"... I guess I probably did know that, yeah."
"You made me the mess I am."
"Don't blame me for you being a little weirdo."
"I blame you."
"Fair enough." Xander finished his beer. "Ready to head back in?"
"Are Mom and Dad and Beth all still raving over her ring?"
"Probably."
"Ugh."
"Come on. It'll be fine. We'll be together."
I eyed Xander sidelong as we went back in. It was unfortunate getting excited over him saying we'd be together, when in fact the whole problem was him being together with a different girl. And yet, despite all my progress, something small like that was all it took to make me all fluttery inside.
How, after all this time, could he still do that to me?
****
It was weird to realize I'd gotten used to Brendan and having him join Lily and me in our little perv parties. I saw an awful lot of him without pants on. Mostly in the context of jerking off.
I would even go so far as to say that I kind of liked having him around. Lily had been huge for me. Having a friend who understood and empathized with my unfortunate attraction. Brendan became something similar. Not quite as important, but meaningful to me in a different way from either Xander or Lily.
Brendan was a boy who I was fairly close to, but wasn't related and wasn't trying to get in my pants. That confused me at first, but I got to really cherish it after a time. Despite us masturbating together to incest porn, we probably had the healthiest and most normal relationship I'd ever had with a boy.
It was either that comfort or some sort of self-sabotage that led me to push things, and I really couldn't tell which.
I waited until a night where Brendan and I were doing a porn night but Lily wasn't with us. Those nights were pretty rare, her being the most likely of the three of us to initiate such events.
"So hey," I said, eyes locked firmly on the screen. "Can I ask something?"
Brendan nodded, which I only caught because my attention was firmly on him in my peripherals. He was slowly stroking himself while we watched a pretend brother and sister do the initial awkward dance that would inevitably lead to sexy times.
"Go ahead," Brendan said.
"Just, like, hypothetically... how would you feel about me sucking you off?"
Brendan couldn't decide between gaping in astonishment, or smiling like a goof. Even staring more directly at him didn't sort out which emotion he was going to land on.
"How hypothetical?"
"I'd like to try it."
"Oh! Well-"
"But I don't want it to be a whole thing. Like... is it ok if we do something like that and then maybe that's it? Maybe nothing else?"
"Maybe nothing else, or definitely nothing else?"
"Maybe. Just maybe."
"Ah." Brendan wrestled briefly with the decision. "I can't pretend like I haven't thought about you a bit," he admitted.
"Really?"
"Is that surprising?"
"Maybe not. You've seen... you've seen bits of me. My pussy, particularly."
"Not often. You keep it pretty covered even when you're half naked."
I grinned shyly. "Frustrating?"
"A little. But I don't know. I like this whole... getting off together thing. I didn't want to ruin it."
"I appreciate that." I let my legs fall apart somewhat, keeping my hand well away, letting Brendan get a peek at me if he wanted. "You seem cool. Pretty chill. There's some stuff I'd like to try when there's no pressure. And I might still not really like any of it. But... I'll definitely make you cum, at least."
"That's a hell of an offer."
"Good enough for you?"
"I'll try very hard not to get my hopes up for anything more."
"Probably wise."
I wasn't convinced Brendan could stick to his promise. He already looked so awed even as I first knelt in front of him. So thrilled by what was happening. Maybe I'd misjudged and he had a serious thing for me already. But if that was the case, he'd behaved himself really well so far. That counted for a lot.
Right off the bat I enjoyed playing with Brendan's cock more than any of my previous experiences, few as they were. It was my decision. Not coerced. And I was pretty sure if I backed out, he'd be chill about it. Disappointed, sure, but not angry or annoyed.
"You're dripping some."
Brendan flushed rather cutely. "Yeah, that happens."
"'Cause of porn?"
"Sometimes. Some of these vids are pretty hot."
"What about on your own? When you pick what you watch?"
"Yeah. Sometimes then too."
"Huh. So it's nothing to do with me?"
"No, it's, uh, it's definitely about you right now."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Shit, I don't know if you want to hear this, but you look pretty fucking fantastic like that."
"On my knees?"
"Partly? Like, I don't know, bottomless. On your knees, yeah. And, like, looking at me all fascinated like that. And touching me."
I gripped Brendan's cock tighter, getting an adorable little exhaled sigh from him. "That's what does it for you?"
"Those are all pretty good things, sure. Plus... plus it's you. You're very easy to crush on."
I tilted my head. "Are you crushing on me?"
"Kinda? Maybe? I've never masturbated with girls like I have with you and Lily. It's... it's hard not to look. To be interested."
"In me? Or in both of us?"
"... is it bad if it's both of you?"
"No. It's better that way. This isn't about hooking up or anything, right?"
"Uh... sure?"
"So it's better if it's not just me anyway."
I started sucking Brendan before I chickened out. I didn't know what I was doing, really, except for what I'd learned watching porn, and my experience coaxing out cum with handjobs.
I didn't hate it. It wasn't directly stimulating, but there was an appeal to it. It was a fairly intimate feeling. Taking a boy in my mouth.
He loved it. I could tell that easily enough. Guys were easy enough to please by just paying any attention at all to their penises. Until they wanted more. But initially, yeah, that tended to do the trick. It was working for me, at any rate.
At least I was getting more out of it than I usually did. I felt far more in control. I'd initiated, and not through any sort of pressure I was feeling to perform or conform. It was my own choice. I could take my time, find out how I felt, and have that knowledge and experience all safely tucked away.
Brendan felt kind of weird in my mouth, but not in an unpleasant way. Just... weird. New. Different.
The more I sucked, the deeper and longer I bobbed my head up and down and caressed his shaft with my lips, the more I got into it too. I could almost say for certain that I was enjoying myself.
There was a power to it. To being in control. To making him feel good on my terms. And, of course, I was learning. I was getting a taste, so to speak.
There was an actual flavour, I found. A very subtle one to his cock itself, and a somewhat more prominent taste to his precum. I was familiar with precum, having had it over my fingers. But to taste it on my tongue was something else entirely. And I could play with it if I wanted. I'd never felt comfortable enough before to just stop and run it through my fingers, or give little licks and contemplate it in my mouth.
So much of the moment was really very nice. I didn't feel vaguely horrible about myself, which I realized I probably always had before, even if I'd tried to fight it.
"Kase?"
I looked up, startled. Brendan had been quiet for a while, other than the little moans and sighs I teased out of him. It made no sense, but I'd somehow almost forgotten he was there.
"Yeah?"
"You're gonna make me cum."
"Oh. Right."
"Is that ok?"
"That's largely the idea."
"Oh. Sure. Ok."
"How close are you?"
"Pretty close."
"Where..." I blushed. "Where do you want to do it?"
"Oh, uh, I just thought... is in your mouth ok?"
I nodded, feeling a warmth in me that really hadn't been present the whole time. Maybe it had been there in some small form, never really making itself properly know. Something about the way Brendan was looking at me now, and the way I was forced to acknowledge what we were doing, it kind of worked for me. Got me excited.
"That's fine," I said.
"And... and could you look at me?"
"Look at you?"
"Sorry. I mean, whatever you want. I just... I like when you do."
More warmth. More tingles.
"Ok," I said quietly.
I sucked Brendan harder, keeping my hand low on his shaft and squeezing some. I flicked my eyes up at him in semi-regular intervals. Had I been doing that? At first maybe I had. Then I'd gotten so focused on just his dick.
He liked it though? Why did that do things to me? I liked it, whatever it was. I liked that he liked it.
Brendan's cumshot was hot in my mouth. The flavour stronger than his precum. Way stronger. Not one that I immediately loved, but I didn't hate it. And it was so weirdly hot taking it all in while doing my best to stare up at him. He was staring right back so damn intently, until finally he shut his eyes and rolled his head back with a satisfied groan.
I took my cue to pull off his cock. I still had a good mouthful of cum. I debated what to do with it at first. Any other time, it would have been a rush to the sink to spit it out. With Brendan, in the moment, I went for it and just swallowed.
He gave an extra groan like I'd done something hot. Maybe I had. My hand was, admittedly, sneaking down to my pussy even while I sat back on my heels right in front of him.
It was easily the clearest view of me masturbating Brendan had yet received. I didn't mind. He looked, but it wasn't even a pervy kind of look. It was a look of appreciation. He liked what he saw, but didn't need to make anything of it. He was sated for the moment. And, probably, he would have been respectful enough not to ruin it for me even if he'd still been horny.
Whatever the case, I came on my knees in front of a boy while his cum still lingering on my lips, tongue, and throat. It was hot, embarrassing, mildly slutty, and just so damn good.
****
"I sucked Brendan off."
Lily looked at me, shocked just for a second or two, then grinning wickedly. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Good for you."
"Thanks."
"How'd that happen?"
"I... I wanted to try it. And I did. He was accommodating."
Lily snorted. "Bet he was. How was it?"
"I think I kinda liked it. I'm still not quite sure why, but I've got some thoughts. I think I gotta do it some more."
"You should."
"You support me, huh?"
"Well duh. This is probably the healthiest sexual thing I've ever heard about from you."
"Sucking some dude off?"
"No, Kase. Not some dude. A dude you and I both know pretty well. Well enough, anyway. Someone you're comfortable with. Someone who presumably isn't going to be a total shit about it."
"He's been pretty good. He's hinted he'd be up for it again. I think he's really hoping it's gonna happen more. But he's been good."
"Good. If he ever isn't... I'll set him right."
I giggled. "I bet you would too."
"I got your back, you know."
"Mmhm. And I definitely appreciate it."
"Do you think you're gonna... be a thing?"
I shook my head, feeling heat rise to my cheeks. "No, I don't think so. Nothing like that. I mean... probably not."
"Ooh, but not definitely not?"
"It... it wouldn't be fair. Even if I wanted to. I couldn't promise that it'd be anything real. Not with me. You know how I am."
"Babe, no one can ever promise that a relationship is gonna work out. I know how you are. Brendan's got an idea too, remember, and he still likes you."
"He does?"
"As a friend, I mean. He'd probably go for more. I could see it. I'm just saying. He comes to our little incest nights. He's as bad as we are."
"Maybe not quite as bad."
"No. Maybe not quite."
"We'll see how it goes."
"All anyone can do."
****
Brendan was pretty dang accommodating, really. He seemed to be good with the level I wanted. It probably helped tremendously that what I wanted was to make him cum a couple times a week. It was a pretty alright deal for him.
It got better when I finally worked up the nerve to ask if he could pretend I was his sister. I'd already started pretending he was my brother while I sucked him off. Not Xander, but just some nebulous bonus brother. I didn't mention that, but he might have been able to guess.
Brendan wasn't sure what to do with the request at first, but it didn't bother him. It just took some time to figure out how comfortable he was with the pretense, and how to make it work. Once we got into a bit of a flow, it made things so much better.
"What are you doing?"
I grinned up at Brendan as I knelt in front of him. I was getting so comfortable doing it. It wasn't even something I second guessed anymore.
"You're hard."
"We can't do it out here. We'll get caught."
I almost exclusively sucked Brendan off while having porn nights, out on the couch. I'd tried in his room, but I just didn't like it quite as much in there. I wasn't sure why. Privacy should have been more important to me. But, too, it was a somewhat more intimate and personal setting, and I maybe didn't want that.
"Mom and Dad are out," I said, getting into the pretense while scooting Brendan's boxers down. His pants were already off.
Brendan took a moment, then shrugged and decided to play along. "They could come home."
"Nah."
"And Lily's still here."
I started stroking his cock, rubbing my thumb over the head to pick up any initial precum. I wasn't sure if Lily was meant to be our sister in the scenario. In my head, she definitely was.
"She won't mind."
"She might tell."
"She won't." I licked Brendan's cock, just a bare flick of my tongue, but I knew what he liked and it made him so weak and compliant for such very little effort. "Don't you want your blowjob, bruh-ther?"
"Unf."
Lily padded in, spoiling the buildup slightly as we weren't quite far enough in for my taste. She'd witnessed our blowjob sessions a couple times already, so that wasn't an issue, but I hadn't yet told her about the incest fantasy. Not that it could possibly surprise her.
"Again?" Lily asked. "You're really starting to make me doubt previous claims regarding your libido."
I tried to ignore her and took Brendan deeper in my mouth. He was blushing cutely, but still liked when I looked up at him while taking his cock. He wasn't fully used to Lily watching, but clearly was willing to make a lot of little sacrifices for the sake of semi-regular blowjobs.
"You're gonna make me want to get in on that if you keep it up," Lily grumbled settling down for some bottomless self-love, as was her wont.
I kept my eyes fully on Brendan as I pulled my lips back, leaving a soft trail of spit halfway down his cock. "Ooh, you kinda twitched at that," I said.
Brendan frantically waved like he wanted me to shut up, but it was too late.
Lily snorted. "Of course he did."
"It's like he wants both his sis-ters sucking on him."
Brendan groaned and covered his face. Lily looked at me.
"Oh really? Is that the game you're playing?"
"What did you expect from me?"
"How'd I get roped in?"
"You just said-"
"I wasn't serious."
"So just watch then."
"Yeah. Already am, thanks, since you two literally won't get a room."
I squirmed a little, partly for the game, and partly for actual arousal. It was still a novelty for me, getting wet while messing around with a boy.
"You won't tell, will you?" I said shyly.
"... what?"
"Mom and Dad. You won't-"
Lily groaned and lashed out with her foot, just barely catching my shoulder hard enough to be a rebuke. "Stop!"
"I'm sorry I'm a bad sister. I can't help-"
Lily giggled and kicked me again. "Stop. Seriously."
"She won't," Brendan mumbled.
"And you put up with it?"
"Well... yeah."
"Oh. Right. The sucking you off thing. Fair enough, I guess."
My cheeks burned. They weren't playing along, but it was still kind of ok. It wasn't quite what I wanted from my games, but it was good in its own way.
Behind the teasing and exasperation was a tacit acceptance of my kink. Neither was bothered by it. Possibly my insistence on doing stuff less privately than it could be was a very slight issue, and dragging them both into said kink, but I wasn't being rejected for any of it. Just teased some.
Teased was ok. I could live with it.
Lily still rubbed herself. She was watching the porn we had playing, but also keeping an eye on Brendan and me.
I really, really wanted to know if any of her masturbating was over us. Over me in particular. Probably not, right? But maybe. She'd had a bit of a thing for me at one time, and it was possible that hadn't gone away entirely.
Did I want her to still have a thing for me? Not really. Nothing major. But maybe... maybe a little something, possibly.
I was getting so bad. I felt like an entirely different person than even a year or two ago. I remembered the feeling of trying desperately to like someone, or to enjoy being liked, or anything at all.
Probably I still wasn't there yet. Not quite in a 'normal' place when it came to sexuality and romance. But it was something. Something other than Xander, which was important.
I made Brendan cum while Lily was right there watching. In fact, I made him cum on my face. It made a better visual than in my mouth, and both were pretty visceral for me anyway. With an audience, the facial was better, unless I wanted to be super obvious and open my mouth to show off a cummy tongue, which I didn't really.
I'd learned plenty of things from porn, but I didn't always want to emulate them. Just sometimes. When it felt right.
I feigned indignation, even though I'd been the one to make Brendan blow his load.
"Not on my face! Bad brother!"
"I didn't... I thought you were gonna... swallow."
"Of course I was. Can't leave messes for Mom and Dad to find. Then you go and cover your little sister like that." I shook my head in mock despair. "So bad."
"Your acting's even worse than some of these videos," Lily remarked without malice.
"Shut up!"
"It is."
"He came on my face!"
"Yeah. I watched you jerking him off onto you. And you're still just sitting there all messy. You think we can't see you playing with yourself?"
I was, indeed, rubbing myself. It wasn't quite doing it for me. I needed... something. I was trying to keep some kind of roleplay going, but it wasn't working.
Jeez. I needed a 'brother' to apologize for cumming on me. Or maybe just to tell me I looked cute like that. Something.
Brendan was very little help immediately post-cumming. He wasn't hardly horny at all in the aftermath. Lily was actively unhelpful.
What I wouldn't give for Xander to walk in and see me like that. And maybe do... things to me.
Things? Like what? I was over him. Sort of. Not really. Better than I used to be.
But I needed something more than desperately trying to imagine I'd been cummed on by my brother. It wasn't enough.
I sat on the couch next to Lily and tried to rub myself to incest porn, the way that we'd made a bit of a tradition for us. Even with my messed face, it wasn't enough. If anything, the cum seemed to make it trickier for me. It was kind of hot, but in a distracting way. I just didn't know what was up with that.
If I got too frustrated, there was always my magic wand. I only used it tactically, but there was a possibility I should put it into a heavier rotation. It could get me off when nothing else could. Super powered vibrations truly were a magic all their own.
In the meantime, I just kept trying. A cummy face and a boy willing to pretend to be my brother really should be worth more when trying to orgasm. They really, really should.
****
I dreaded the dinner with Xander, Beth, and our parents. I had an inkling I was going to hate it. I wasn't sure why. There was just that sense.
And, indeed, Beth started talking about 'plans'. Wedding plans. Not in direct terms, but gushing over ideas for dates and locales and all that crap. It was miserable.
I went outside after supper to take a 'smoke break.' There was no smoking involved, it was just what it felt like. It was better than thinking of it as an 'avoid a breakdown in front of your family' break. It had to be.
"You're hiding," Xander said.
I smiled, not turning around. I was secretly ecstatic that he'd bothered to come find me, but I also wasn't sure I was ready to talk.
"Thought I might take up smoking. I'm getting practice in standing outside by myself. It'll come in useful, I think."
"Oh. So you're not out here sulking then?"
"Why ever would I be sulking?"
"Beth wants to set a date."
"So I hear."
"How much do you hate it?"
"I'm... I'm happy for you."
"Kase?"
"Oh god I hate it. I hate it so much."
"Yeah. I figured."
Xander leaned against the rail next to me, both of us staring out over a dark lawn in the late evening moonlight.
"I wish I could hate her more," I said.
"You don't hate her?"
"Not as much as... not like I used to. With your girls. Beth honestly probably is the best of them."
"Well... thanks?"
"I don't want you marrying her though."
"Yeah. Me either right now. She says we can wait a while for it. She just wants... I don't know. A timeline? Commitment?"
"You're pretty committed."
"I thought so. Needs to be 'official' or something I guess."
"Uh huh."
"It feels like a lot."
"Does it?"
"Yeah. I don't know. Maybe that's silly. Lots of people are married with kids at my age already."
"And lots of them are miserable about it."
"That's true. I forget that sometimes."
"Divorce rates are high for a reason. Nevermind the amount of people suffering through the rest of their lives with someone they never would have married if they'd been a little more clever."
"Also true. Do you think that's what I'm doing?"
"You're not married yet, are you?"
"No, but... but I can see it coming. She wants it."
"And what do you want?"
"I don't know. That's what makes it so hard. I like living with Beth. I really do."
"Do you love her?"
There was a hesitation. Just enough to keep me from dying entirely.
"Yes."
"Yes. Good. Well that's fine then. I'm sure it'll work out."
"Don't be shitty."
"What do you want me to be? You know I don't want you to be with her."
"You said you don't hate her."
"I mostly don't. If she makes you happy... you should be with her." I turned my head and looked fully at Xander. "Promise me you won't let her trap you. If she doesn't make you happy anymore, don't stay with her."
"What if it's not that simple?"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"It just isn't always simple."
"It can be. Every couple weeks maybe just think if you're happy where you are. When you think about getting married for real, think harder about it. Don't do it if you're not sure. Simple."
"It's not!"
"Sure it is. If you're worried about losing out on sex, dump her and come over to see me. You can-"
"Don't finish that sentence."
"Xan, I'm doing way better without you than I thought, but if you ever need anything at all from me-"
"Kase, I'm not using my sister to... to..."
"As a cum dump?"
"Come on!"
"What? I watch a lot of porn these days. I know some filthy things."
"Probably watch more than I do."
"No doubt. You got a girlfriend holding back your corruption. I don't."
"You don't need to be crude."
I shrugged. "Just saying. If you needed something 'crude' to get you through at some point, I'm here."
"If anything was ever gonna happen, and it's not, I don't want it to be like that. That just feels like a horrible thing to do someone. Let alone you."
"I volunteered. I can make my own decisions."
"You'd really be ok if I came over and just... oh god, no, I can't even say it."
"Prude."
"I think I miss the days when you didn't even know incest porn was a thing."
"I don't. It's the only thing that gets me even kind of horny. Even if it's only a poor substitute for something real."
"You ever think that maybe you've built up too much of a fantasy? If I ever did stuff with you, and especially if it was only for my own gratification, that maybe you'd feel horrible after? That maybe the fantasy of it would be ruined, and you'd discover you never really wanted it?"
"Probably be best to find that out and get over it, don't ya think?"
Xander snorted. "You've got an answer for everything, don't you?"
"I spend a lot more time thinking about it than you."
"That's true."
We stood in silence a long moment. I didn't mind the quiet. I kind of wished I was brave enough to scoot closer to Xander and press against him, if only for a moment, just to feel him. I didn't get that contact very often these days, outside of hugs.
"We should head back," Xander said. "Before anyone comes looking. Beth and Mom are gushing so hard to each other they might not have noticed. But someone will sooner or later."
"Oh. Yeah. I guess."
Xander was already turning to go in. Impulsively, I dove against him, wrapping my arms tight around him, going for the biggest, comfiest hug I possibly could.
He felt like he might resist at first, then his arms were around me too, holding me close, taking comfort in me just as much as I was in him.
The hug didn't last as long as I would have liked, but it was enough to get me through the rest of the evening.
****
Chapter Six: Kasey at Twenty-Three
****
I went out shopping with Mom. There wasn't any particular need for us to shop together, but it was a nice little ritual at times that kept us closer than we otherwise would have been.
Plus, purely pragmatically, it meant Mom sometimes bought me stuff I needed, or at least could drive it to my place for me. I really needed to get a car of my own one of these days.
Somehow the subject of Xander came up. Not that it was all that unusual. He was a big part of what Mom and I had in common, and was a pretty big deal in both our lives.
"I think they're going to set a date soon," Mom said.
"Hm?"
"Xander and Beth."
"Oh. For a wedding?"
"Yes. Obviously that."
I shook my head dismissively. "Nah. Don't think so."
"Why do you say that?"
"Xan doesn't really want to."
Mom sighed. "Kasey..."
"What?"
"You know it's happening."
"Not necessarily."
"And here I thought you were over this."
"Over what?"
"This... possessiveness. Xander needs to do his own thing."
"Yeah, I know. I'm not being possessive. He really doesn't want to be married right now." I shrugged. "Nothing to do with me."
"They've been together a while now. They're engaged. They love each other."
"Sure."
"So why wouldn't they get married?"
"Dunno. She's not right for him, I guess. Or maybe he's just not interested in marriage at all. I can't know everything that's in his mind."
"Are you sure it's not just wishful thinking?"
"Pretty sure."
"And this isn't another one of those things where you don't like your brother's girlfriends for no reason?"
"There's always been reasons. Not always good ones." I kept walking, making Mom have to keep up with me. "I like Beth, as far as these things go. I mean, I don't. But I do. She's ok. Xan should have someone better than just ok, though."
"That's... true. Sort of. There's nothing wrong with Beth, though."
"I know."
"So... so..."
"Why are you having this conversation with me anyway? Shouldn't you be talking to Xan? Asking him how he feels?"
Mom sighed. "He won't talk to me. Not about anything like that."
"Oh."
"He'll talk to you. Can you ask him?"
"Ask him if he's setting a date? Nope."
"No?"
"No. Obviously not. Even if he was going to, soon or in a while or whatever, you can't just be asking people that stuff. Puts all this pressure on."
"Hm. True."
"Why are you so desperate anyway? It'll happen if it happens."
"I'm not getting any younger, you know."
"Oh whatever. You're not hardly an old lady yet."
"... I miss you both, ok?"
"I'm literally right here."
"Not like that. Like... when you were littler. When you needed me. When we had our family all together."
"People grow up, Mom."
"I know. And I think I've been feeling that more lately."
I contemplated. "So really... you want grandkids?"
"Is that too much to ask?"
"I dunno. Maybe. What's that got to do with a wedding?"
"Well... that's how these things go."
"Sometimes."
"Right. Sometimes."
"I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here, Mom. Do you even know if Xan wants kids?"
"He won't really tell me stuff like that either."
I laughed softly. "You're not doing well at getting all his secrets, huh?"
"He never really was much of a sharer. Not with me."
"Not with most people," I said, feeling a small warmth at knowing I was Xander's most likely confidante for deeper stuff.
"No. Maybe not. I could ask Beth. She might tell me."
"Who's to say she knows?"
"Who would, if she doesn't?" Mom narrowed her gaze at me. "Do you know?"
"Never came up."
"Uh huh."
"Really. It never has."
"Ok then."
We kept walking, heading toward checkout. I'd been too distracted to look at much, but Mom had what she came for, so it wasn't a total disaster.
"You know I'm probably not having kids," I said.
"I... guessed that."
"Ah."
"Is that horrible of me?"
"Can't see how. It's accurate."
"I don't mind, you know. I want you and Xander both to do what makes you happy."
"I'll let you know if I ever figure that one out."
"Just... I'd so like to have grandkids. Even if they'd make me feel ancient."
"Hm... thought of getting a puppy?"
"That's not the same, dear."
"Arguably better, though. Much more trainable. And people don't look at you funny when you put them on leashes."
"You're not as funny as you think you are."
"Just saying."
"Mmhm. You want anything before we leave?"
"Nah, I'm good. We could maybe look at some clothes after, though? There's a good store pretty close."
"Your wardrobe getting sparse again?"
"Maybe. It happens."
"Well... I suppose as long as I'm not getting grandkids, I might as well dote on my children some more."
"That's the spirit! Love you, Mom."
"I wish you wouldn't only say that when you're getting something you want."
"But that's when it's most true."
"Still not as funny as you think you are."
I just grinned.
****
"Mom thinks you're setting a date."
Xander sighed and fidgeted with his coffee. "Yeah."
"Don't sound so excited."
"Dude, I'm not ready."
"I know that. How come Beth doesn't?"
"I don't know! I've told her. But... I don't know. Maybe once it happens-"
"Idiot."
"Hey!"
"You don't want it."
"It's not that simple."
"It is."
"It isn't. I don't want to lose her."
"Yeah? Why? Sex that good, is it?"
"You of all people should know it's not that." Xander hesitated. "Well, mostly not that."
"Uh huh. Xan, can I ask you something?"
"When have you ever not?"
"Is Beth the only one you've ever had sex with?"
"Oh wow."
"Is she?"
"None of your business. But no. Just... the only one where it's been more than once."
"Ah. That's it, then."
"It's really not."
"It is. It's about sex."
"You're infuriating. You don't even like sex."
"I might once I tried it. Maybe I should with Brendan."
"Yeah?"
"I dunno. Been toying with it. Might as well, right? He's the least obnoxious boy who I've ever kind of had a thing with."
"That's not a great way of making the decision."
"You're getting married to the first girl who wanted to sleep with you repeatedly. Don't talk to me about bad decisions."
"You're getting borderline mean there Kase."
"Sorry. You're right." I shrank back in my seat some. "I'm all jittery over it. I see myself having to be there. Watch you get married. It hurts. Even as best as I can let you go... I don't know if I could do it."
"No good lashing out at me about it."
"Some good, actually. It's your call. You're the one doing it."
"Not yet."
"Slowly but surely, Xan. She's got you wrapped around her little finger."
"Doesn't."
"Absolutely does."
"... does she?"
"Yep."
"Fuck."
"Mmhm."
"I don't like it. That's not how it's supposed to be."
"You have the power to change things."
"I don't know that I do. We're moved in together and everything."
"Sure are."
"And I don't want to lose her."
"So you keep saying."
"This sucks."
"Yup."
"Why is life so hard?"
"Pff, you're asking me?"
"Thought you might have figured it out by now."
"I'll let you know if I do."
****
I still had nervous energy to burn off. I couldn't stop thinking about the terror of having to go to my brother's wedding. Probably, god forbid, be part of the wedding party.
Bridesmaid? Probably. Ugh. Have to be next to Beth instead of Xander, even. Just the worst. It would have been so much easier sometimes if I could just hate her properly.
I released some of my tension by going after Brendan even harder. More blowjobs, more pretending he was a second brother, more showing off while Lily was around.
It was, for me, fairly slutty. I recognized that it wasn't really. Not enough that probably anyone would actually label me that way. But it was definitely the most wanton I'd been in my life. Not that it was much of a contest.
I went even further than that one night. A little sister blowjob and facial, followed by my usual rubbing one out, just wasn't enough. I still needed something. So I did all I could think of to do.
I pattered softly into Brendan's room that night. My face was all scrubbed clean, no traces of cum left. I wore only panties still damp from playing with myself and one of his shirts that came down low enough to mostly cover said panties. It was what a horny little sister would wear, I figured. And even if it wasn't, it would probably work for him, right?
"Brendan?"
"Hm? Kasey?"
"Yeah. It's me."
"What's up?"
I got closer in the dark, feeling my way carefully to the edge of his bed. "Do you think it'd be ok if I slept with you?"
"Um..."
"I just mean sleep. Nothing else."
"Oh. That's... I don't know."
"You can feel me up some if you want. I don't mind."
"God, Kase..."
I crawled in, forcing Brendan to move over and make space. He hadn't rejected me yet. Not fully. I could sense it might be coming though. I really wasn't sure what I'd do then.
"I can suck you off again too, if that helps."
"No, I'm good, thanks." Brendan let me snuggle under the covers. "This is more brother stuff, isn't it?"
"Yeah."
"I don't know that I can handle being... whatever I am to you. Not forever."
I lay still. "Kinda shitty of me, isn't it?"
"No. I wouldn't say that."
"We can do more stuff if you want. What do you fantasize about doing with me?"
"Arrggh. Don't do that to me."
"I mean it. I don't mind. You've been good to me. I can be good to you."
"See, that. That's been bugging me. You don't actually want a relationship with me, right?"
"I don't think I know how."
"We could figure it out if you wanted. But I don't think you do."
My chest was getting all tense. I regretted crawling under the covers already. It made things that much more awkward.
"I'm sorry."
"It's fine. I knew what this was. I just... I don't think I can keep doing it if there's not, like, something emotional going on. Something more than you pretending to be my sister. It's kinda hot, but... it's not real."
"Shit. Yeah. I know." I sighed heavily. "You know what sucks?"
"What?"
"The fact that you don't even want to take advantage of me makes me kinda wish you would."
"That's horrible."
"It is, isn't it?" I shrugged as I sat up and swung my feet back out of bed. "Let it never be said that I know how to handle relationships in an emotionally healthy way."
"Kasey... you can stay for tonight if you want. If it's just sleeping."
I smiled sadly and shook my head. "Thanks, but I can't now. I appreciate you being decent, Brendan. I'll try not to make things weird."
"You got to be pretty good at blowjobs, you know."
I laughed in an awkward, stilted way. I was caught unprepared for finding anything funny.
"Thanks. I try."
"Kasey?"
"I'm tryin' to leave you be, you know."
"I know. Just... do you really have a thing for your brother?"
"How gross do you think it is if I do?"
"I think it explains a lot. That's all."
"Well... I do. Xan was my first crush. And somehow, maybe, still my only one."
"Ah."
"It sucks. I don't recommend it."
"It hasn't gone away at all?"
"Not the way you'd hope. I dunno. You were the closest to ever pushing me into something more normal, but I don't wanna lie and pretend like I would have been able to love you properly. I don't know that I can with anyone. Even with Xan. If he'd ever loved me back like that... shit, I mighta just fucked that up too. Maybe it's better to stay a fantasy. Maybe I'm broken, and that's as good as it gets."
"I don't think you're broken."
"I am. It's only a question of how badly. And whether I can maybe be put back together. I mean, I'm already more whole than I ever was. You helped some."
"Oh. Well... good."
"Mmhm. Night, Brendan. Thanks for everything."
"Oh sure."
I stepped quickly out the door and shut it behind me, leaving Brendan alone. In the aftermath, I felt kind of stupid for ever trying.
It wasn't stupid. It was good. We were on the same page, basically. It sucked losing what we had. And I could have kept it going if I'd been more restrained. But maybe it was better that it didn't go any longer. Maybe getting everything out of it that I had was good enough.
It didn't really help in the moment. I'd tried to hold it together in front of Brendan. Not let him see the hurt in me.
Because it did hurt. It was good. It was adult. It was responsible. Nothing bad had happened. I didn't blame either of us. It was the way things had to be.
But goddamn it hurt. It was a rejection. It was the closest thing to a relationship I felt like I'd ever been in. And it was over. Probably. Definitely? No. Probably.
I went to Lily. I didn't know what else to do.
With her, I didn't ask. I'd never slept with her before, but asking just felt like I'd open myself up to double rejection, and that was too much for my poor heart this night.
Lily had been asleep already, but I woke her up trying to sneak into bed with her. I only knew I had because once I'd settled, she rolled toward me and put an arm around me.
"What happened?" she whispered.
"I fucked up. No. I didn't, actually. Kinda I did. I don't know. But Brendan and I are done."
"Ah. Fuck, dude."
"Yeah."
Lily squeezed me tighter. "That sucks. He was good for you, I think."
"I think so too. But I could never give him what he deserved."
"You don't know that."
"I do. I wasn't going to love him. Not the way he should be."
"Maybe not. But you know that's kinda the point of relationships. You chill for a while and see if love happens. Forcing it or needing to already be there, that's missing the point."
"... you think I should have tried?"
"I really don't know. I'm just saying if you never really try, you'll never really know."
"Huh. Maybe. Yeah. I guess."
"Sleep on it, ok? Whatever happened with you two, I'm sure if you want to talk again in the morning Brendan will listen. He's a good guy."
"He really is. Better than I deserve, probably."
"You stop that. Don't be mean to yourself just 'cause you're feeling bad."
"Sorry."
"Go to sleep. You'll feel better tomorrow."
"Ok."
It took me a while. Lily was back to sleep long before I was. But being next to her, feeling her comforting presence, listening to her breathing, it helped. It allowed to me to calm down and eventually join her in slumber.
****
"So, uh, we're setting a date."
I clenched my fist so tight it hurt, but under the table so it didn't show. "Of course you are."
"I pushed it to next spring. I said spring weddings seem like the best. Beth went for it."
"Uh huh."
"She... she'd like you to be a bridesmaid."
The knot inside me squeezed tighter. "I can't."
"I mean... it's not that big a thing. Just gotta show up for a few things. Get some pictures."
"Look happy?"
"Well... ideally, yeah."
"Xan, you know I can't."
"It's most of a year away. Maybe it'll be ok by then?"
"It won't."
"Oh."
"I can live with you getting married. That's fine. But it's gonna make me sick just being there, let alone being part of it."
Xander sighed. "You know, at some point you're gonna have to get over this whole thing."
"Fuck you."
"Kase-"
"No, seriously. You think I haven't tried? You know I've tried. You don't take me seriously, I get that."
"I do."
"You don't. You'd think it would have been long enough now that you'd get it. But you don't. It's just something silly to you. Like I'll grow out of it. I'm fucking broken, Xan. Always have been. I can't just, like, be normal. I can't do it. I'm all fucked up."
"No, Kase. You think I don't take you seriously? I do. I just don't see you the way you do. I don't think you're broken. You never have been."
"Twenty-three and never had a real, functional relationship. What do you call that?"
"If you think everyone's running around having functional relationships, that might be your problem. Hardly anyone does."
"Who are you kidding? Everyone's always finding someone they like. Everyone. You do it lots. Or you did, before Beth."
Xander snorted. "Nah, Kase. Why do you think I've stayed with Beth so long? The other girls I was with... those relationships would not have been healthy to stay in."
"You seemed fine with them at the time."
"Yeah. For a time. You see people getting in all these relationships and think they've got it figured out? They bounce between people specifically because they don't have it figured out. They're trying desperately to be happy. To find someone who makes them happy. And it's not working. They aren't winning the race. They're still trying to find which direction to run in."
I sat back, stunned at the torrent of words flooding from Xander's mouth and the sheer intensity of them.
"You go in so pessimistic," Xander continued. "I've seen it. And that's not great. But honestly, it doesn't put you any further behind anyone else, really. Going in thinking you've found the one when you haven't isn't better than going in assuming it's all doomed to failure. Neither's good, don't get me wrong, but you're not in such a bad place."
"But aren't... aren't they, like, going in with a chance, though? A chance at being normal. I don't even have that."
"Maybe it'll work out if you find the right guy. Who's to say?"
"There only ever was one. And he's getting married."
"You haven't met even a decent fraction of the guys out there, Kase."
"Yeah. Obviously. No one can. You can only meet who you can meet. Only so much you can do." I sighed miserably. "This idea of there being 'the one' out there never made sense. Like how are you gonna find them in a billion other people? It's an even more cruel joke for me 'cause I did, and he's my brother. And it's bad and stupid and I'm surprised you still put up with it, really."
"Don't say that."
"Well really, though."
"I need you in my life. I've got no one else to tell all this fucked up stuff about me. And it matters more than you know that whatever else happens, you care about me."
"But... you're not broken. You're all normal and all like 'can't fuck my sister, durrrr.'"
"Why'd you give me a stupid voice? That's a perfectly sensible thing to say."
"Maybe it shouldn't be, ever think of that? You say people are being all dumb and shit and have no idea which way to run? Maybe they shouldn't be so uptight about who's right for them."
"So just... boink your sib if it feels right?"
"Why not?"
"I really don't think I have a sufficient grasp of philosophy to delve too deeply into that one."
"Well if you figure it out, get back to me. In the meantime, I think I got somewhere I need to be."
"You think?"
I stood up and stretched, trying to release some lingering tension. "Yeah. I think. It may all go horribly. But on the other hand, probably can't make it any worse."
"... you've got me intrigued, but I have the feeling you're not gonna tell me what this is about."
"Correct." I hugged Xander tight. Despite having my mind basically made up, I still needed to feel him for a moment. To take comfort in him the way I just couldn't seem to grow out of. "Congratulations on getting married. Tell Beth I'll be her stupid bridesmaid, ok?"
"Really?"
"Yeah. Serve her right when I throw up during the ceremony."
Xander snorted, then giggled at the absurdity. "I hope we get pictures."
"I'm sure we will. Bribe the photographer if you have to."
"Will do. Love you."
"Mmm. Love you too."
****
Brendan was perfectly chill, just hanging out at home. A perfect foil to the bundle of nerves that I was.
I didn't know what else to do other than just launch into it.
"Do you wanna go out sometime?"
Brendan tilted his head curiously. "What?"
"Go out. With me. Date. Do you want to try a date?"
"I... didn't we... did I miss something?"
"Of course you did, but that's not important." I pushed my hair back, stalling for a few precious seconds. "Look, part of our problem was we didn't do things in any kind of normal way, yeah? So... do you want to try being normal? Just go on a normal-ass date?"
"Maybe?"
"Oof."
"No, like, I don't get it. I thought you didn't like me that way."
"That's what dating's for. To maybe find out. No blowjobs. No brother stuff. No sneaking into bed. Just... just a date."
"... maybe there could be some blowjobs?"
I grinned cautiously. "Have to play your cards right for that, boyo."
Brendan grinned back. "Say Saturday?"
"See you then."
I walked way quickly so as not to show how fluttery I went all of a sudden. Maybe this was a terrible idea, but it felt kind of exciting. Not necessarily in a good way, but maybe. Hopefully.
****
Chapter Seven: Kasey at Twenty-Four
****
I'd never realized how good it felt just holding hands. It wasn't something I'd had many opportunities for. I was pretty sure Xander and I had held hands in our younger days, back when it didn't really mean anything. Evidently that either had a lingering effect on me, or it was just something I naturally liked and had forgotten about.
Brendan found it all very adorable. At times, though, it probably drove him a bit crazy.
I liked the hand holding, the cuddling, the caressing, the lying together and whispering all sweetly. He must have missed the blowjob sister phase at times. He was happier being normal, sure, but I could tell there was an undercurrent of horniness in him at times that I didn't really feel.
Sometimes I did. Sometimes I was as happy to play with his dick as he was to have me getting him off. Other times I only really did it because he wanted it. And still other times I strictly ignored his hints because I just wasn't in the mood. But at least I felt like I didn't have to be in the mood all the time. That it wasn't a failing in me. That was progress, probably.
But perhaps it wasn't enough.
"Hey, Kase?"
I lay next to Brendan, only slightly more clothed than him. The taste of his cum fresh on my tongue. Directly after a blowjob wasn't when I usually expected anything too serious, but there was something in his tone...
"Yeah?"
"How come you never want me to do you?"
"What you mean?"
"You know what I mean."
"I don't."
Brendan sighed. "Like... licking you. Fingering you. Anything."
I shrugged. "Not that big a deal."
"It kinda is. I want to make you feel good, you know. It doesn't always have to be one way."
"It's not. I like making you cum."
"Sure. But I like making you cum too. And... and I know maybe I'm not great at it..."
"It's not you. I only cum easy with certain things. My magic wand will usually do it. Or just the right porn. Otherwise, it doesn't really happen much."
"Yeah, but, like, I need practice, don't I? Or I won't get better."
"True, I guess."
"But it's like you don't want me to."
"It's unnecessary, is all."
"Disagree. But, uh, that kinda brings me to something else."
"What?"
"Sex."
"Oh."
"I didn't want to push anything-"
"I just made you cum, didn't I?"
"Yeah. And that's great. But Kasey, I really like you. Really, really like you. It's not about cumming."
"It's not?"
"No. It's like... like... it's more special, I guess. I don't know. It means something. And maybe it kinda means something if it never happens, but in a worse way."
I felt a small tingle in me. Something more than cumming. That I could work with.
I thought back to my stories. The ones that had initially opened up my world. They'd all been brothers and sisters, sure, but beyond that, I only really wanted to see them fucking if it was more than that. If it was, as Brendan said, special.
"How special would it be?" I asked tentatively.
"What?"
"How special?"
"I dunno. A lot?"
"Brendan!"
"What?"
"I'm serious. How special?"
"Kase... fuck. Like, ok, sometimes I think about doing it with you and... and it just feels so right. Like it kinda hurts to think about, but in a good way. An ache. Like a longing or something."
I tingled harder inside. "Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"That's pretty special."
"I guess."
"You know I haven't done it before."
"I assumed."
"Is that ok?"
"Yeah. Of course."
I could see Brendan getting excited. I was, admittedly, pretty excited too. Maybe we should just do it. See what happened. It'd be special, right? We'd been together a while. I liked Brendan. Maybe not quite as much as he liked me, but it wasn't all that far off. Not enough to be a problem, hopefully.
I squirmed, racing through possibilities in my mind, trying to figure out how it would go. If it would be anything at all like some of my favourite, most romantic stories that I revisited regularly. The ones where sibs fell madly, stupidly in love, and the hell with the rest of the world anyway.
It wasn't quite as special and romantic just being a regular couple, but there was precious little anyone could do about that. It was, too, a lot simpler that way. Probably for the best.
"If we did it," I said slowly, watching Brendan's eyes light up, "would it be ok if I changed my mind? I can't promise I wouldn't, is all."
Brendan wrestled with that one. "I mean... yes. Yeah, it's ok, but..."
"I don't intend to. I'm just saying, if we start and I don't like it... you need to be ok with stopping."
"That's fair. Have you never... like anything at all in..."
I tilted my head curiously until I realized what he meant. "Oh. Dildos, you mean. Yeah, sure. Not my favourite, but they're ok, I guess."
"Oh. Well, like, it won't be any worse than that, right? And it should be a lot better."
"Ooh. Confident, are we?"
"I'm pretty sure it'll be better than just a toy."
"Depends on the toy."
"You trying to make me insecure or what?"
"Maybe a little."
"Oh thanks."
"Well I'm gonna be a little insecure too. So it's only fair."
"I don't know if that's really how it works."
"You wanna argue, or you wanna have sex?"
Brendan didn't even think about it. "Sex."
He started rolling toward me, and I gently pushed him back.
"Not now."
"Uh... what?"
"Obviously not now. If we're gonna do this, it's not gonna be after you just came already."
"I can go again."
"I know. But... not like I want anything cheesy and romantic or whatever. I'm not a lovesick teen. But maybe a little special?"
"Oh. Special. Yeah, that makes sense." Brendan visibly relaxed. "We can do special."
"Again with the confidence."
"Again with the making me insecure."
I laughed softly and kissed him. "Good night, Brendan. Don't be up 'til all hours worrying about this."
"Don't worry. It's gonna be so good."
****
"So... I think I'm gonna have sex with Brendan."
It took Lily a moment to process, then she grinned widely. "Oh thank fuck. Finally."
"Hey now!"
"Well you have to admit, it's about dang time."
"That's exactly no one's business."
"Excuse me, who insisted just now on informing me all about it?"
"... shush."
"Was it you? I think it was you."
"Are you gonna be a supportive best friend or what?"
"I can be supportive and teasing. Multitasking isn't that hard in this case."
"Sure."
"Sooo?" Lily leaned casually forward toward me. "You excited?"
I groaned and slumped, letting my emotions take over. "I'm so fucking nervous."
"Ha, yeah. That makes sense."
"Does it?"
"Yeah. You never got a first time out of the way early. At least you're doing it now."
"I don't want to do it wrong."
"Don't worry about that. Just get through it. Brendan'll enjoy it whatever happens. You know, excepting a real disaster. Just try to not hate it. And maybe pick up a few things."
"He might hate it."
"He won't. You let him cum in you, he'll be a happy boy."
"He can't cum in me! Has to be a condom."
"Oh, well, yeah. Fair enough. Not on the pill, huh?"
"You know I'm not. Why would I need to be?"
"I guess I just assumed you were. I don't know why, in hindsight. We should see about getting you on it. Or actually there are other options. Supposedly better ones. If I went out with boys more often, I probably would have looked into them more."
I squirmed uncomfortably. "Well... whatever. Condoms are fine."
"They're fine, but not great. Best to stay safe though, you're right. Go with them for now. But we're looking into options, ok?"
"Unless he breaks up with me 'cause I'm so bad."
"He won't. And even if he does, you still need options for the next boy."
"Why do you assume there'll be another one? If this goes horribly, maybe I just won't bother."
"You want a happy, healthy relationship as bad as the rest of us, Kase. Wanting it with your brother doesn't change that."
"Maybe it does."
"It doesn't. And honestly, that's not even the worst baggage I've ever seen. You're not the hopeless case you make yourself out to be."
"Says you."
"Yeah. And I'm an expert. So deal with it."
****
The day came. I still wasn't sure I was ready, but it had to happen sometime.
Brendan was good about it. He took me out to dinner and everything. We had some wine together back at the apartment. Some calm music. Trying to get me all happy and relaxed I guess. I went a little harder on the wine than maybe I should have, but that was on me and my nerves, not Brendan.
There was something brotherly about the way he took me to bed. I didn't dare say that out loud, even though he probably would have understood. I didn't want to ruin the mood. It helped, anyway. Helped to feel like I was cared about. Like the sex was just happening between two people who wanted it rather than something orchestrated.
I wished I was more drunk. It wouldn't have been good, probably, but that was where I was at.
Still, I liked it at first. I liked being in his arms, slowly dragged along while he held me and we stopped a few times to make out. Then more of the same on his bed.
Then he insisted on licking me out. Which was fine, but I didn't really want it. I wanted sex. In the sense, of course, that I wanted to get to it and see whether I hated it or not.
Brendan's attempt at pleasuring me was doomed to failure. He wasn't going to make me cum like that. I could barely make myself cum without some specific tools and/or techniques. He didn't really stand a chance with just his tongue.
It felt nice. At least there was that. But then there was all that pressure on me to make sure he knew I was enjoying it, and then to pretend like he made me cum at the end. That part I wasn't in love with.
I could have just been honest, sure, but again, I didn't want to spoil things before they'd been given a real shot.
"You ready?" Brendan whispered.
I nodded. "Yes," I whispered back.
He had to stop long enough to put a condom on. I'd insisted on it, and he couldn't argue that it wasn't the smart thing.
Once he came back, I tried to hold him close. Partly just for the intimacy of it, but partly too so he wouldn't see my face. I didn't know what I looked like at the moment, or what I'd look like when it happened. I didn't want to have to worry about it either way. If we both could have been blindfolded, that might have been ideal.
Brendan found my entrance and pushed into me so very carefully. He didn't need to be nearly that delicate. I'd played with myself lots, and my pussy could definitely take it.
Nevertheless, he stayed slow and gentle, only gradually filling me up. He was restraining himself for me, even though faster would have been better.
I thought about saying something, but just left it. There was so much potential for things to all end in tears that I didn't want to add conflict over a non-issue.
"That ok?"
I nodded, knowing he could feel the movement of my head against him. "Yeah."
And it was. Just ok. Nothing overly good or bad about it. Just... yeah. A cock in me. A real one. It wasn't particularly magical, but it was maybe better than a dildo, or at least I could convince myself it was. But again, dildos had never done much for me. They didn't stimulate me the right way.
Now maybe Brendan's cock in me while I vibed my clit...
This wasn't the time for that, though. This was only a first trial run. Maybe things could be added next time. Not now.
"Harder," I urged.
"You sure?"
"I won't break."
"No, but... first time and all..."
"Yeah. Still won't break."
"We can just go slow if you want. It doesn't have to-"
I growled in my throat. "What's the point if we're not gonna do it for real?"
"Ha, yeah, ok."
Brendan started thrusting in me. Some actual fucking motion. It was better. Still not great, but better. I could be ok with it. It was sort of like a mediocre massage, in that it wasn't really worth all the fuss but as long as we'd started already I could probably relax and enjoy it for what it was.
I continued to cling to Brendan as he let himself enjoy it more. I didn't want him to see the lack of rapture on my face. It was good that he was getting into it more. His little grunts and sighs in my ear were nice. And the happier he was, the happier I was just to feel him against me. I could take pleasure in his pleasure.
If not for the pressure to have an amazing time, I probably would have liked it better than sucking him off. Blowjobs were, similarly, about making him feel good, mainly. I could enjoy that part of them without having to feel like I needed to experience certain things too.
It really came down to the pressure on me more than anything. I wasn't sure how everyone else handled it. Although they probably just liked fucking, which must help.
"Unf, god you feel so good," Brendan moaned.
I didn't know what to say to that. Did I feel good? Probably. No reason I wouldn't.
He fucked me harder, losing the precious sense of control he'd started with. Again, I kind of liked that. Liked that he was enjoying himself, and got some more enjoyment out of the feeling of him moving faster.
I had to admit, his cock probably was better than a dildo, even if it wasn't the part I was most enjoying about sex. Maybe it was the combination of things that made it better as one big package. The actual mechanical sex along with the warmth, intimacy, and feeling that Brendan was loving it. I could get behind that. Sort of.
I stroked his hair and ran my fingers up and down his back. I tried to encourage him as best I could. He should cum. I needed him to finish. The sooner the better. I could enjoy sex, I decided, but only if it wasn't a drawn out affair. Not like porn videos where dudes lasted ten minutes, twenty minute, half hours, or whatever.
No. Brendan could have his fun, cum, and we'd all be happy with it. It could be fine.
"Cum," I found myself saying aloud, though I wasn't sure I meant to. Once I'd spoken, I mentally shrugged and went with it. "Cum!"
"Hnnggh. Not yet."
"Yes yet. Cum, Brendan. You want to."
"I do, but-"
"Do it."
"Kaseyyy."
"Do it! Cum!"
Brendan grunted and shook his head, then came. I couldn't actually feel the mess, since he had a condom on and all, but I knew his orgasms well enough even from a different perspective.
He was the one to cling to me afterward. I just kept running my hands over him, all gentle and comforting and whatnot. Bringing him back down softly
"That was pretty amazing," he murmured.
"Mmhm," I responded noncommittally.
"You didn't cum, did you?"
"... no."
"I wanted you to."
"I know. It wasn't going to happen though."
"Oh."
"Not your fault. I don't cum easy."
"I know. I thought... maybe sex..."
"From what I've read, it's less likely from straight fucking than other methods. Another one of those porn lies."
"Oh. Well fuck."
"Nah, it's fine."
"Do you want me to-"
"No," I said, forestalling whatever offer Brendan might have made. "Let's just enjoy the moment, ok?"
"Yeah. Ok." Brendan kissed me softly and caressed my cheek. "I love you."
My eyes went wide. I nuzzled against his cheek so he wouldn't see my reaction.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck.
Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
Seriously? Love? Dammit. Fucking damn it.
What was I supposed to do with that? I'd had so much on my mind this whole time, and now switching gears like this? Impossible.
Fuck.
****
"He told me he loves me!"
Lily's eyes went wide for a second, much as mine had upon first hearing it. "Oh. Oh wow."
"I know!"
"Like... during?"
"No. After. Right after."
"Fuck."
"Exactly!"
"What did you say?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"What could I say?"
"Well... nothing."
"Right."
Lily pushed her hair back and shook her head. "Sorry, dude."
"Ugh. What do I do?"
"I don't know."
"I... I don't love him. I really like him, but not... not that."
"I know. I get ya."
"What do I do?"
"Stay chill, I guess. Maybe it's fine. Maybe he doesn't even remember saying it. Might have been a post-orgasm kinda thing. You might have rocked his world."
"I doubt it. It was... ok."
"For you, sure. For him, who knows?"
"You think?"
"He really liked it, didn't he?"
"Sure seemed to."
"So maybe he just thought he had to say it or something. Maybe it's not a whole big thing."
"Maybe." A small hope bloomed in me, though I was sure it wasn't right. "So I just... hope he doesn't bring it up again?"
"No. You should probably talk about it."
"Fuck."
"Yeah."
"I don't want to."
"I know."
"Ugh. Can you do it for me?"
"... talk to your boyfriend about loving you?"
"Yes."
"Obviously not."
"Damn."
"This happens sometimes, Kase. It's something you gotta learn to deal with."
"How do you deal with it?"
"Honestly... usually it leads to a breakup."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah. Sooner or later. If one's in love and the other isn't... what else do you do?"
"You've never had, like, a mutual love thing?"
"Oh sure. Or I thought I did. Weirdly those didn't last all that much longer."
"Why do I even come to you for advice?"
"Sometimes the wisest girl is the one who's made the most mistakes."
"... I don't know if that's deep or not."
"Me either. But hey, honestly, this isn't your fault. Whoever pulls the Love trigger is responsible for the consequences."
"Even if it's been long enough that maybe I should love him too?"
"Don't be getting into that. You love him or you don't. Nevermind whether you should or not. Shoulds don't belong in this conversation."
"Yeah. Maybe."
"Take some time. Figure it out. You don't need to rush regardless of what you decide."
"You say that-"
"'Cause it's true."
"-but the wedding's coming up."
"Oh. Oh shit. I forgot about that."
"I didn't."
"Damn. Xan's still going through with it?"
"Apparently."
"Shit. You doing ok?"
"Obviously not."
"Right."
"Why's everything gotta be so complicated? And all at the same time?"
"Hell if I know."
****
"Still getting married, huh?"
Xander fidgeted. His leg bounced nervously. "Yeah."
"That excited, are you?"
"Hush. You know I'm... anxious."
"I know. I'm surprised you haven't called it off, really."
"How am I possibly supposed to do that? Everyone's excited. Beth. Her parents. Our parents. Our families. Her friends. My friends. Ugh. Everyone."
"I'm not."
"Ha, no, I know. I appreciate it."
I smiled at the absurdity of it all, but the smile faded pretty quickly. "If it goes ahead... I'll be there. For the ceremony and everything. I promise."
"You gotta be. You're a bridesmaid."
"I'll be your fucking best man if I gotta be. I'll be there."
Xander smiled, small but genuine. I knew he knew what I was saying. And I meant it. Whatever my feelings, however much of a mistake I knew it was, and however much it hurt, I wasn't going to abandon my brother to his fate all alone.
"I miss you," he said quietly.
"We see each other all the-"
"Not often enough. Not like it used to be."
A small hole inside me made itself known. The one I variously tried to ignore or fill in. The one Xander had left in me without meaning to.
"Not like it used to be," I agreed. "But at least we're learning, yeah? Getting better at the whole 'independent adult' thing."
"Arguably, sure. I feel like I peaked, though, and I'm on the downslope now."
"You'll soon have a wife to help with that."
"Yeah. I will."
"It'll be good, right?"
"Probably. I don't know."
I watched Xander slowly spiraling. There was nothing more I could do for him right now. And I still had burning news I wanted to share. I'd hung onto it way longer than I wanted to. At least I had Lily to share that stuff with, or I would have gone crazy waiting to tell my brother.
"I had sex," I said.
Xander's head jolted up, mind-train derailing instantly. "You did?"
"Yeah."
"With Brendan?"
"Obviously."
"Right. Well that's... good."
"You don't sound sure."
"No I mean it is, isn't it?"
"I think so. Definitely in some ways it is."
"But?"
"But I don't know. He likes it way more than I do."
"I could see that. I'd be surprised if he didn't, honestly."
I snorted. "Thanks."
"Well... really though. It's you."
"It is me."
"How you doing with it?"
I shrugged. "Enh. It's fine. I probably should have realized he'd want it a lot more after the first time."
"I'd imagine so."
"Uh huh. But, like, it's so much work. I miss just sucking him off. He got to feel good, I got to make him feel good, it's all pretty straightforward and easy. Now he's hell bent on making me cum and stuff."
Xander laughed. "Oh my god. Of course that would be a problem for you."
I flushed. "What? I'm serious."
"I know. It's just... you know how many women have the opposite problem?"
"How would I know that?"
"Like... a boyfriend who wants to make you cum. And that's a problem for you." Xander chuckled and shook his head.
"Well, ok, like, it'd be fine, but he can't do it, is all. And it gets exhausting. Makes me just wanna grab my wand and bang one out for myself instead of letting him try to fuck me good enough or whatever."
"So tell him."
"What?"
"Girls especially, sometimes they need certain things. You gotta communicate that. Don't just expect him to figure it out."
"What, like, hey I don't wanna fuck, I'ma actually just vibe myself?"
"Nah, Kase. But maybe be like, hey, you wanna use this toy on me after you get off?"
"Oh. You think I could just do that?"
"Don't see why not."
"He might not like it."
"So? Then you know. And if he really wants to make you cum, he shouldn't be so concerned with how he does it. If he's got that whole thing where he thinks his dick'll take care of everything, you've got bigger problems."
"Yeah. Yeah maybe." I smiled cautiously at Xander. "Thanks. That's actually good advice."
"Hey, what are brothers for anyway?"
We both paused a moment.
"Well, probably not convos like this usually," I said with a small, insane giggle.
"Yeah. Yeah I'm just starting to think about it now and... yeah." Xander rubbed his face. "Giving my little sister advice on how to get off with her boyfriend. That's weird, isn't it?"
"Not for us, really. We're well past that in weirdness."
"Mmhm. Maybe."
"I like what we have. It's not what I wanted, exactly, but it's important to me. Wouldn't trade it."
"Me either."
****
The wedding snuck up on me. I knew it was coming. Dreaded it coming. And yet somehow, I still didn't expect it when relatives started popping up and rehearsals started happening, and all that other junk.
I'd been trying to sort out things with Brendan, though I didn't make as much progress on that as I would have liked. I had to put a pin in it anyway.
Somehow, Beth and I bonded through the lead up to the ceremony itself. We'd been ok anyway, but she did a weird sort of anti-bridezilla thing, and I actually found myself enjoying her company.
Which only made me more conflicted when we misplaced Xander on the wedding day.
There was an initial sense of relief that hey, no groom no wedding, right? Except that was quickly overwhelmed by Beth freaking out, her mom trying to calm her down, my Mom dialing Xander over and over, and every other woman there all trying to help. Some of them even managed to not make things worse, which was nice.
I wandered out. I was useless there, and unlike everyone else I recognized it.
Xander didn't answer me either when I tried his phone. That was fine. If I couldn't find him I could find him. That was all.
Except... dammit. I needed to find him. There was a possibility he actually wasn't ok. He might need someone. He might need me.
Sure he might just be running from the wedding and simplifying my life for me, but it could be something much, much worse than that for all I knew.
The next step was getting hold of anyone he might be with. Friends and family and whoever else. Except who would he go to that wasn't already here? No one, right?
Then I stopped and just thought. I must have looked silly. People were rushing around frantically, or at least purposefully. I was just standing there in my stupid dress trying to breathe deeply and calmly, and just have a good think.
No one paid me much mind, which was nice of them.
All my thinking didn't lead to much, but there was one place that popped into my head. Somewhere no one else would find him. Even if he wasn't there, at least it wouldn't be redundant effort.
"Hey Mom, I need to borrow your car."
"What?"
"Your car. Please?"
Mom gave me a look of hope. "You know where he is?"
"No. But I have a guess."
She hesitated, then shrugged and handed her keys over. "Find your brother."
"Do my best."
Someone would have checked our parents' house. Probably. Xander wouldn't have gone there anyway, but even if he had someone would have seen him.
However, in all likelihood, no one had bothered scouring the park nearby. Why would they? There was no particular reason he'd be there.
And yet, as I parked and started walking, I knew I was right. I knew he'd be there. What's more, I knew right where he'd be.
There, by the pond, watching the ducks, was a hunched figure on a bench. As I neared, he straightened up and looked toward me. My sad, worried, tired looking big brother.
"You tracked me down, huh?"
I sat beside him, looking so very out of place in my formal wear.
"Just a guess."
"How many other places did you try?"
"None."
"So not really a guess."
"Sure it was. I didn't know. I guessed. I got lucky."
"No one else would have found me here."
"An educated guess then."
Xander sighed and slumped down again. "No. Not a guess at all."
"Why do you keep saying that?"
"Because it's not the first time."
"Hm?"
"You really don't remember?"
"What?"
"What was I, like, ten? Twelve? Something. I got upset about something. What was it?"
My memory jogged. "Oh shit, yeah. That's what it was."
That's why I'd been so certain. It came back to me then. Tracking Xander down here as a little girl after he'd run away.
Not a proper run away. Just an upset little boy dealing with shit he couldn't handle. Not so different from now, in a way.
And me, even littler, but I knew where he'd gone, and I was determined to follow. It wasn't a bad walk from our house, though pretty far for us at the time with no adult supervision.
"Was that when Grandma died?" I asked.
"Yeah. Yeah I think that was it."
"Must have hit you hard, huh? I don't remember being that bothered for some reason."
Xander gave a short, humourless laugh. "You know what? It wasn't even missing her that hit me that bad. I think that was the day I realized I was going to die. And it scared the shit out of me."
"Oh. Oh wow. I don't remember that."
"I probably didn't tell you. I'm not even sure I knew what was going on at the time. I didn't have the words or experience or anything. It was like my first time dealing with existential dread, and could nooottt handle it."
"No kidding."
"But you found me."
"Yeah. That was our spot for, like, what, a couple months? Something like that. We loved it. I remember that. We'd come to the park and really annoy Mom 'cause we just wanted to watch the ducks. I think they had their babies, maybe."
"Ha, yeah."
"And I don't know, it just made sense that you'd be there when no one could find you."
"You know me too well."
"It's kind of a problem."
"Sometimes it's the best damn thing in the world," Xander said softly.
"I... what?"
"It is. I needed you that day. You were my little sister. Even younger than I was. But you were there, and you just, like, held me and patted my head while I was freaking out."
"And crying."
"And crying, sure. I didn't even feel bad about it. You didn't mind. Didn't tease me or ask questions or anything."
"It didn't matter," I said, remembering the moment viscerally for a second. "I just wanted you to feel better. I didn't care about anything else. That's what freaked me out most about that day, you know. I'd never seen you like that. Upset as all hell, sure. But not quite as... primally, I guess."
"Mmhm."
"But after a while you went quiet and just, like, laid there with your head in my lap. It was ok then. We watched the ducks. Just watched them."
"And Mom and Dad called down havoc when they realized they'd lost us both."
"Ha, sure did. God, you think they remember that day?"
"I assume. The one and only time they had to get the police involved looking for us. Probably memorable."
"Police? I don't remember them."
"You mighta been asleep by then."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I was still awake and in your lap and stuff, but I think you fell asleep sitting there. Your hand was still on my cheek I think."
"Oh."
"It was nice. I was gonna walk home, but I didn't want to wake you, and obviously wasn't going to leave you."
"Huh. Yeah, I really don't remember any of the fallout for the rest of that day now that you say it. I remember after that. We got helicoptered good for a bit afterward."
"Yep yep. Good times."
I smirked crookedly, then let it fade. "Good times," I echoed.
I reached over and pulled Xander toward me. He resisted for only a moment, then fell across my lap, scooting down so his head rested on my thighs.
"It's a nice dress," he said faintly.
"Thanks."
"Softer than it looks."
"Maybe that's just me."
"Oh. Maybe."
I stroked Xander's hair. "Mom said something like that a little while back. About how often we were there for each other. I only remember the times I needed you. Somehow the ones where you needed me don't stick the same."
"We both had our moments," Xander mumbled.
"I guess."
"You were about the best sister I ever could have had."
"Glad you think so."
"I mean it."
I smiled, feeling warm tingles inside. I tangled my fingers gently in his hair. "You were the best brother."
"Was?"
"Still are."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Even though I'm marrying someone other than you?"
"Don't spoil the mood."
"Sorry."
"It had to happen. We can't be together like that. I've never been under any illusions."
"Well..."
"Ok. A few illusions. At times. Whatever. You know what I mean."
"I do."
Xander sat up slowly. I hated to have him leave my lap, but I let him go.
After stretching, he just sat staring at me for a moment. It was so piercing. So intense. It made me feel all small and helpless in the best possible way. He could have asked me anything, anything at all, and I couldn't have refused him.
In a way, that was exactly what he did. Sort of.
Xander, still staring at me in that irresistible way, leaned in. He leaned in dangerously close, until his warmth and scent was all there was in the world, then just kept coming.
His lips met mine. I was shocked, taken aback, but even as my reaction would have been to pull away from literally any other guy trying a move like that, I pushed into him. I accepted my brother's kiss and gave it right back.
My heart pounded like a bass drum, out of control, no particular rhythm to follow. I vibrated all throughout, just small shivers, but everywhere, consuming me.
And still he kissed me. Still I felt my brother's lips, tasting them for the longest, sweetest moment of my life.
Why was it so fucking good? I mean, I knew why. I absolutely knew why. But I thought I'd been exaggerating what it would be like. Making it into something reality could never match.
That wasn't at all what I'd done. I'd under-anticipated. I'd expected too little.
Fuck it was good. So fucking good. The one perfect moment in my life.
And then it was over.
I blinked. Seconds? Had it even been seconds? Or had we been frozen for hours? Probably closer to the former than the latter.
Xander was still looking at me, but no longer in the kind of way that made me a melty little sister. Just... just like my big brother. Like who he was.
"Sorry," he said.
"It's ok."
"It's not. I'm getting married. I shouldn't be..."
"Making out with your sister?"
"I definitely shouldn't be doing that."
"Probably not."
"Oh god I shouldn't have done that."
I put my hand to Xander's cheek. "It's ok. It's... a wedding gift. That's all."
"That's not how wedding gifts work."
"Why not?"
"I can't give away presents at my wedding."
"You didn't. You took one for yourself."
"... I did?"
"It was a beautiful kiss, Xan. Best of my life."
"It-"
"Shush. It honestly was. So yeah, kind of amazing for me. But you needed to try it. I... know the feeling."
"Oh. Really? You think?"
"You can't tell?"
"I don't know. I'm very confused."
"Woulda been easier if you'd hated it, huh?"
"Oh wow. So much easier. Just... fuck. I wish I'd hated it just now."
"Be better if were terrible at kissing each other."
"Ugh. So much better. Seriously."
"Sucks to be us."
"For real."
I smiled, taking an extra moment to just drink it all in. Including the leftover tingles from my one perfect kiss. The only one I'd probably ever get.
Worth it. So fucking worth it.
"Speaking of sucking... we should actually get to the wedding at some point."
"Yeah. Fuck. Probably."
I laughed with unfeigned joy. I didn't even care anymore that Xander was getting married. "Don't sound so excited."
"I mean, it's good. It'll be good."
"Sure."
"I love her."
"Yup."
"You're not being helpful."
I patted Xander's shoulder. "Come on, bro bro. Time to be adults."
"Yeah. Shit. Alright."
We walked back to the parking lot.
"I got dirt on my dress," I said.
"Where?"
"On the hem."
"Oh. Whatever. No one will notice."
"Pretty sure someone will."
"Then fuck 'em. You're best sister. Kick 'em out. I hereby grant you authority."
"Best sister?"
"Like best man, but-"
"Yeah, no, I get that. The effect isn't the same."
"Don't care."
"I-"
"Don't care. You're standing with me, ok?"
"That'll fuck with tradition."
"Mmhm."
"And literally all the planning for the ceremony."
"Ask me if I care."
"Do you-"
"Nope."
"Xan?"
"Yeah?"
"Good luck."
"Thanks."
"Love you."
"You too."
****
"He kissed me. He fucking kissed me!"
"Yes," Lily said patiently, but with gleaming, excited eyes, "so you've said. repeatedly."
"I don't think you're getting it. He kiss-"
"No, I get it. But he still got married."
"Well, yeah. He had to."
"He could have run off with you."
"With his sister? Uh huh. Yeah. That'd go over great."
"What happened to the desperate little thing you used to be. You would have gone for that in a heartbeat."
"Maybe I've matured."
"... I want to make a joke, but honestly... yeah. You have."
"Well... good, then."
Lily leaned in closer, mischievous spark still in her eye. "So how was this legendary brother-kiss?"
"Oh my god so good."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Like... what was the best you've ever been kissed?"
"I... hm. Good question. Maybe that time when-"
"Better than that."
"You didn't let me-"
"Then double it."
"That doesn't make sense."
"Imagine never wanting it to end."
"Ok, sure."
"Then when it ends, you're still happy, because it's right there lingering. It was a magical fucking moment, and there's no way you can be unhappy afterward. Your whole body is just fucking revved up. Like you wanna... wanna..."
"Fuck?"
"What? No. Don't ruin this by being gross."
"Oh come on. Don't tell me you wouldn't have fucked your brother right there."
"Lilyyy. Don't ruin this for me."
"I'm not ruining a damn thing. You would have."
"Ok, yeah, sure. He was getting married though."
"That's your counter-argument?"
"Shush. Don't bring logic into this. I'm warning you."
"Wouldn't dream of it."
I leaned closer to Lily. The two of us were huddling in like conspirators, afraid of being overheard but wanting to share every juicy little secret.
"We danced after the wedding," I hissed in a hushed tone, like it was dangerous to even say aloud.
"That's traditional."
"Specifically me and Xan, I mean. My dress and shoes were... less than pristine. He didn't give half a shit. He danced with me longer than Beth, even. I watched the video after and counted."
"Of course you did."
"The slow song, Lily. The slow song! Fuuuccck."
"You bad girl. Dancing platonically with your brother in public like that. What will the neighbours think?"
"Nothing platonic about it. It was what sex wishes it could be."
"That... ok, what?"
"You heard me. Sex wishes it could be that good."
"I really don't think that's true."
"You ever danced in someone's arms, head on their shoulder, slowly melting into them, letting them carry you, feeling like you'd happily just fade away like that, still held and safe and snug?"
"That's quite a claim."
"It's what I felt. I thought I'd never top that kiss. And then a few hours later..."
"Better, huh?"
"Longer, at least. Not that pure moment of intensity, but just, like, I can die happy now, is what I'm saying."
"And at his wedding no less."
"I knooowww! That's part of what makes it so good. It wasn't just slow dancing. It was... everything. Everything all together. I can't describe it."
"You gonna try and dance with him more? Right in front of his wife?"
"Don't be silly. Wouldn't be the same. You can't force moments like that."
"You haven't even tried."
"Are you luring me into doing something stupid."
"Maybe. It's all very fascinating. That's all."
"Uh huh. Stop perving on my life."
Lily snorted. "You want me to be fascinated. You'd be miserable if I wasn't."
"... maybe. Shut up."
****
Chapter Eight: Kasey at Twenty-Five
****
Sex with Brendan got better. It still didn't seem worth the effort most of the time, but he really liked it, and I liked that he liked it.
A bigger problem was that it was getting more and more frequent for him to say that he loved me after sex. Hoping he'd just drop it probably hadn't ever been the correct course of action, but these things aren't emotionally easy to handle.
"I love you," he said yet again.
It spoiled the moment somewhat. We were lying in a rare moment of post-orgasm, where we'd each had one fairly close together. Mine was vibrator assisted, his was more traditionally penetrative. It would have been a nice time anyway. Could have gone to sleep all restful and content.
But no.
"Brendan?"
"Yeah?"
I squirmed anxiously. "I can't say it back."
"That's ok."
"It's not. You keep saying it. It's been months. I can't say it."
"Maybe I said it too soon."
"Maybe."
"But I don't think I did. It's what I feel."
My tummy knotted up tighter. "I don't," I said in a bare whisper.
He was slow to answer. "What are you saying?"
"I think it might be unfair to let you keep thinking it's gonna happen. I think maybe what we have right now, that's about all that it's ever going to be."
"... never anything more?"
"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. I like this. I have no idea if I'll ever want more than what it is."
"Oh."
"Is that horrible?"
"No. No I guess I knew what I was getting into."
I felt stung, even though I knew exactly what he meant, and it was a fair assessment. I wasn't quite right. I knew that. A girl doesn't get hung up on her brother like I did if she wasn't a little broken.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"It's fine."
"Ok."
It wasn't fine. We both knew it.
****
"I hate this," I told Lily. I was still a twisted mess inside.
"Well, you know, messy breakups are a part of life."
"Is that what it is?"
"Not the messiest, sure, but kinda messy. And definitely a breakup."
I sighed. "Yeah. Fuck. He found a new place yet?"
"Supposedly."
"He didn't have to move out."
"What, even after you two broke up?"
"We didn't have to break up either."
"After you told him you'd never love him?"
I gaped at Lily. "Are you not on my side?"
"Of course I am."
"What was I supposed to do? Let him keep believing that... that... I'd change?"
"Maybe. If he was happy, and you were happy, maybe that was enough."
"It wasn't. If he'd just stopped saying it..."
"Yeah. Yeah you might be right. You probably needed to tell him."
"I think I did."
"It probably was the mature and responsible thing to do." Lily sighed. "But now we need to find another roommate."
"Oh gee, thanks for caring."
Lily hugged me. "I do. I'm proud of you. Your first long term relationship. Fairly healthy as these things go. And you're only mildly nonfunctional in the aftermath. That's pretty good all round."
"Oh good. That makes me really excited for... life."
"It's good. Seriously. You've got experience now."
"So I've got experience. So what?"
"It makes next time a little better. Or less terrible, as the case might be."
"Oh good. There's that to look forward to then."
****
Mom took me out. Shopping, nails, food, drinks. Someone must have told her about Brendan. I didn't. But presumably she would have found out eventually anyway, so whatever.
"I dunno," I said. "It kinda sucks. I liked him."
"He was good for you. I could see it."
"Well... yeah, kinda, I guess."
"But you're doing ok, right?"
"Yeah, no. Pretty good. It's weird getting used to having so much space again. I like it, I think. But it was nice just... having someone. Sleeping with someone. Sleeping alone all the time isn't the same anymore."
"I can understand that. Are you... interested in anyone?"
"Mom! It's been, like, a minute. Gimme a chance."
"Sorry. Just curious."
"Just because I gotta figure stuff out again on my own doesn't mean I want to jump into anything."
"No, I know. I was just wondering. I thought there might be. Maybe that was part of the split."
"Come on, really? You know I don't fall for anyone easily. Let alone more than one at a time."
"I know." Mom took another long sip of her drink. "There was someone though, wasn't there?"
"No."
"But... you remember around Xander's wedding?"
"Sure."
"There was someone then. I didn't want to say anything, but I could see it."
"Oh my goddd. Do I need to cut you off?"
"We're getting picked up, darling. It's fine."
"I don't care about that. There was no one else the whole time I was with Brendan, ok?"
"There was. You were so happy for a while after the wedding. I expected you to be mopey. But you weren't."
"I was happy for Xan."
"No. You didn't want him to get married. Don't think I don't know."
"Well... whatever."
"Was it someone you met at the wedding? We could get you in contact."
"Oh really? Even if it's someone married? Or related? Or-"
"Well obviously not in those cases." Mom frowned. "Related?"
"To Beth, I mean."
"Right."
"'Cause that's be weird, like, hooking up with her cousin or something."
"Was it her cousin?"
"No, Mom. There was no one. I was there for Xan. That's all. It was his day. I was happy for him. Even if it was a terrible, terrible mistake."
Mom laughed just a little off-kilter, but triumphant. "I knew it!"
"Yes, well done. I'm possessive of my brother. You worked out my least secret secret. Well done you."
"So what were you happy about then?" Mom asked, drilling deep as though she was some kind of emotional investigator hot on the trail of... something.
"You wanna know?"
"Yes."
"Xan was by the duck pond. That's where I found him. And I remembered when we were little. Some stuff. It was nice. And, like, he's always gonna be my brother. I'm not gonna lose him just 'cause he marries someone he shouldn't. Got nothing to do with anything. No one else is ever gonna be his sister. It's special."
Mom teared up a little. "It is." She clutched my hand. "I love how close you two have always been. Warms me inside."
"Does it?"
"Yes. Makes me feel like I did some things right. And that you'll both always have someone."
"Yeah. Kinda how I feel too." I patted Mom's hand. "You did lots of things right. You and Dad. Not everything, but you know, pretty good overall."
Mom kept staring at me all misty-eyed. "I think I shouldn't have any more to drink."
I snorted at the way she broke the moment. "Yeah, Mom. Probably a good idea."
****
Chapter Nine: Kasey at Twenty-Six
****
"Marriage is the wooorrrst."
I grinned at Xander from my end of the couch and sipped my wine. We were chilling at his place. Beth was away for the weekend.
"So it's all going well then?"
"Ugh."
"Oh good."
Xander shook his head, a little further along to be drunk than I was. "I don't know what happened."
"I do."
"Shush. It was so good before we got married. What happened?"
"You didn't want to, remember? We both knew it wasn't what you wanted."
"I know. But... it shouldn't have changed things."
"It does, though. From what I understand."
"Maybe? Fuck. Like, why is there less sex? There should be more!"
"Have you told her that?"
"No. I... I don't even really want more. It just gets so... normal. Not boring, but... well yeah, boring."
"Whip out some ropes and cheerleader outfits and butt stuff. Easy. Solved."
"Beth's not really into that."
"I meant for you."
"Oh ha ha. So hilarious."
"Thank you."
"You think me getting tied up and..."
"Pegged."
Xander gave me such a dirty look. "And that. You think that's gonna-"
"Pegged. Say pegged."
"No."
"Prude."
"I'm not."
"You've been getting more and more a prude since you were with Beth. You used to know all this stuff I didn't. And be into stuff. You introduced me to erotica, remember that?"
"Did I?"
"Yeah."
"Oh wow. That was... forever ago."
"Mmhm."
"You were all into... incest and stuff."
"Still am. It's my main thing that gets me off."
"Don't say it like that."
"Like what?"
"Like some kind of subtle invitation."
"It wasn't. You're married. I've matured."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."
"So you wouldn't do stuff with me?"
"Now who's making invitations?"
"It was a hypothetical."
I shrugged and finished my glass. Xander refilled it without asking. "Hypothetically... yeah, I'd do stuff with you. Of course I would. But that was never in the cards for us."
"So defeatist."
"Again with the making subtle invitations."
"I'm not! I'm just saying. You used to be so super into me."
I gave Xander a Look. "You feeling neglected now that your baby sis doesn't have a hopeless crush on you?"
"... maybe."
"It's still pretty bad. It's just not as overwhelming as it used to be."
"Ah."
"I sometimes imagined what it'd be like having sex with you instead of Brendan, you know. I felt bad about it. Like it was kinda almost cheating. But people have their fantasies, right?"
"They do."
"What's yours?"
Xander looked confused. "Mine?"
"Yeah. I've got the whole incest thing. Specifically you. What's yours?"
"I... don't have one."
"Of course you do. What, are you embarrassed? Is it that much worse than me wanting to be with my brother? I can't imagine that."
"I really don't think I've had one that's been, like, quite so omnipresent. It changes."
"Fine. So what's the current one?"
"Really?"
"Yes."
Xander finished off his drink. I grabbed the bottle of wine and drained the remainder into his emptied glass.
"Fine. It's butt stuff."
"Ha!"
"Not pegging."
"Pff. Vanilla motherfucker."
"No, listen. No making fun."
"Ok."
"But... yeah. Beth won't do butt stuff. I've asked."
"Shoulda figured that out before the wedding."
"But like... I thought once we're married... we'd try stuff."
"Is that why you went through with it?"
"Only partly."
"Dude, people don't get less inhibited after marriage. Whoever they are is basically who they are. Marriage just... solidifies things."
"How the hell would you know?"
"Am I wrong?"
"... no. But how the hell would you know?"
"Me and Lily talk about this sort of thing sometimes. She's got theories."
"And that's one of them?"
"Yep."
"Huh."
"So what else is there to this little fantasy?"
"Nothing."
"How can it be nothing. It's literally just stick your dick in a butt and cum? There's so little imagination to that it actually hurts."
"Just, like, regular sexy stuff. Except doing it in the butt. That's a perfectly reasonable fantasy."
"It's not. There's no story there. No reason for the butt stuff to happen."
"Why do I need a reason?"
"Have you seriously not ever watched porn? Read stories? Anything?"
"Of course. Not much for a while, but-"
"That's how you get the best stuff! You put stuff in that's not just the sex. You think videos do well if it opens on a dude sliding in a butt and ends with him cumming? No. No you need more. Like, some kind of seduction. Or some play acting. Like 'oh nooo I don't do buuutttt stuuufff' then all kinds of like touching and licking and eventually she loves it, or whatever. Nevermind that the girl in question has done like a billion anal vids already."
"... how the fuck much thought do you put into this stuff?'
"Is there more wine?"
"Don't change the subject. And... yes. There is."
"Good."
Xander got another bottle. We got straight into it.
"And stories. You need buildup in stories. You need reasons why it's hot that the characters are gonna do butt stuff. You can't just be, like, girl bends over from the word go and then there's a cock in her bum. Doesn't make sense. Needs to be, I don't know, at the very least like she has an interest but doesn't think good girls do stuff like that. But she really wants to try, and it's all hot and forbidden for her."
"Do you have a porn addiction? Is this a cry for help?"
"Maybe and no, respectively. Or, like, the sister stories. Where she gets her brother in her butt. Now there-"
"That's not realistic. Sisters aren't getting fucked in the ass by brothers."
"Who the hell said anything about realistic? You need stories, is all. Stories and reality feed on each other, but they aren't the same by any means."
Xander was quiet for a long moment. I worried I'd said something I shouldn't, or that he was too drunk. He hadn't had any more than me, though, so he shouldn't be too far gone.
"Maybe... maybe she's a little sister type," he said.
My eyes went wide and I carefully set my glass down before leaning closer on the couch. "Little sister?" I asked, smile forming on my lips.
"Type. That type. Like all cute and innocent, but also horny."
"Uh huh. But you described her as 'little sister'. Don't think I didn't catch that."
"No, obviously I know you caught that. Don't get all excited over it."
"Too late."
"Plus it's an anal thing. So, like, not whatever your fantasy is."
"I'd do anal."
"No you wouldn't."
"Why would you say that? I've been very clear about being open to trying stuff."
"You also don't cum easily from most things."
"Yeah. So? The one doesn't preclude the other."
"... have you done butt stuff? With Brendan?"
"Not with him, no. Just on my own."
"How much on your own?"
"Enough."
"How much is enough?"
I shrugged. "I've got a sense of it. I could take a cock, I think. For the right guy. A... big brother type, let's say."
"Uh huh."
"It's not as big a deal as people make it out to be."
"You haven't done it for real."
"Says who? Like I need some boy to make it count? Get over yourself."
"Fingering your butt is not the same as-"
"I could do more than that."
"Like what?"
I grinned wickedly. The alcohol wasn't helping my sense of propriety any, but honestly I was thrilled that Xander was taking an interest in me sexually. Not in the sense of wanting to really do anything with me, but enough to be exciting.
"Want me to show you?"
Xander actually considered before slowly shaking his head. "That... would be taking it way too far, wouldn't it?"
"Most definitely."
"And yet you offered. Was that for real?"
"Yep."
"Seriously."
"Yuuup."
Xander peered at me suspiciously. "What exactly would you show me if I asked?"
"You have to ask to find out."
"You know I can't risk it."
"I strongly suspect you'd wuss out, sure."
"It's not wussing out. I'm married."
"Ah. So nothing to do with me being your sister then. Interesting."
"That too. Obviously that."
"Not so obvious. You forgot."
"I didn't."
"Did."
"No. Just, like, we can't."
"I know."
"Good."
Xander drank deeply from his wine. I probably should have cut him off. Both of us, really. But I didn't. I couldn't. I was enjoying this way too much.
He drank some more. I drank some more. A dangerous game of drunk chicken.
"You know how long it's been seen I've watched porn?" Xander mumbled.
"How the hell would I know that?"
"Beth says you're not supposed to do it when you're married."
"Ooooh." I cracked up laughing.
"It's not funny."
"It so is! You marry her 'cause she puts out, then-"
"That's not why I married her."
"Then why?"
Xander carefully set his glass down. It took me a moment to realize he was crying. To be fair, it wasn't an obvious cry. Just some tears streaming down his cheeks. Hardly any sobbing or anything to go with.
"I don't know," he said, his voice cracking. "I just thought it made sense."
"No you didn't. We talked about it. You knew you didn't want it."
"I would have lost her if I didn't marry her."
"And you still lost her."
"No. Yes. No. I have her. But... she's not who she was. She's different. You know she wants kids?"
"Sure. Brings it up every now and then."
"I can't have kids, Kase. Jesus."
"Oh? I thought you half wanted them."
"Says who?"
"You've been pretty wicked on the fence about them."
"I don't think that's true."
"It is. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't."
"Make things up why don't you."
"I could. You're too drunk to properly call me on it."
"M'not."
"Yuh huh."
Xander shook his head sloppily. "Nope."
"Yep."
"You wish I was drunk. Then you could... do things to me."
"Like what?"
"Kiss me. You'd kiss me so much."
"I would, would I?"
"Mmhm."
"Would you like that?"
"It'd be nice. But bad. Don't do."
My heart fluttered. "Nice, huh?"
"Mmhm. Don't do!"
"Real mixed signals there, bro bro."
"M'being very clear."
"No. You're not." I sighed heavily. "I'ma have to put you to bed pretty soon."
"No! Stay."
"Of course I'm staying. How the hell would I ever get home like this? Can't take your car, and you certainly can't drive me."
"Lily."
"Oh. Yeah. Fair point."
"She's nice. You should date her."
I snorted. "Oh wow. You're getting to be right out of it, huh? Thought I was keeping up better than that."
Xander snickered. "You drink like a girl."
"Ok. First of all, sexist. Second of all, you can't hold your wine worth shit, so don't get into it with me."
"Had a lot."
"That's... true."
Xander looked up at me with a moment's pure clarity. The look in his eyes electrified me.
"Kase, can we kiss? I really liked last time."
"That was so long ago."
"I think about it sometimes."
I tingled inside. "Me too."
"Can we?"
"It's kinda cheating."
"I know."
"Not right."
"I know."
"We shouldn't do that to Beth."
"Uuuggghhh. Fuck you and your... morals... and shit."
I patted Xander's head. "Good attitude. Well done. Let's get you some water."
****
I spent the night. Part of it in bed with Xander, but not nearly in any kind of secret or sexy way as I might have liked. He just fell asleep partly on top of me, was all, and for a time I thought maybe I kind of liked it.
But no. He was passed out. There was nothing really to be gained from it. No cute little moments or anything. Just some obnoxious snoring.
At least Lily was proud of me. I wasn't convinced I'd handled anything at all correctly.
"No but you did, though," she said. "You didn't help him cheat. That's pretty good."
"He wanted me to kiss him. And I said no."
"I mean, the cheating thing, remember. Plus he was drunk."
"Argh. True. But... yeah, no. He was drunker than I was. Not a good look."
"Exactly. What would it even mean like that?"
"Stop making good points! But yeah. Wouldn't have been worth it. Not like that."
"Correct. Stop beating yourself up. You did great. Like, way better than a lot of my friends would in similar situations."
"... getting drunk with their brothers and making out with them?"
"Not that similar."
"Oh."
"You didn't make out thought, right?"
"No. Alas."
"Good. Thought I'd missed something."
"I might have an excuse to show him my butt next time. If he remembers. And goes along with it."
"Well there, see? Some good came of it all."
"How sarcastic are you being?"
"Like a solid seven, probably. You're gonna show Xan your butt?"
"If it seems like it'll play ok, maybe."
"Why?"
"To prove I'm better at anal than he thinks."
Lily was silent a moment. "Your relationship is something uniquely special, huh?"
"You could say that."
"Please don't try fucking your ass in front of your brother. It's not the power move you think it is."
"Ok, obviously I wasn't going to go that far."
"How far, then?"
"Well... just drop my panties and wait for him to chicken out, durr. Wave a dildo around like it's going up my butt, maybe. He'd never actually watch me do anything."
"So you think."
"Ok, so maybe it's all a stupid idea and I know it, ok?"
"Good."
"It made more sense when I wasn't entirely sober."
"When you were drunk off your tits?"
"I was not that drunk. And also, how drunk would you have to be for-"
"Don't ask me. I don't know what tits have to do with anything."
"Well you said it."
"And I regret everything."
"Yeah. Me too."
****
I spent some time locked in my room seeing how a dildo felt up my ass.
It wasn't so much that I planned on disregarding Lily and trying to fuck my ass in front of my brother, but more like I just wanted to see how feasible it would be. I wanted to prove I could do it to Lily, to Xander, and to myself.
Turned out, probably I could. There was nothing all that much more difficult to it than just fingering my butt, which I'd continued to mess around with sporadically. It took some more prep, of course, and stretched me out way more, but it was very doable.
It didn't actually do much for me. It stretched my ass and filled me up in a weird and novel kind of way, but much like regular masturbating or sex, the act itself didn't really push my buttons.
I could kind of imagine it being fun under the right circumstances. I got a naughty thrill just thinking about doing it in front of Xander. Taking my pants off, lubing my bum, fingering myself, then slowly fucking a dildo in and out.
But of course Lily was right, and that wasn't actually a particularly clever thing to try. I knew that. I still imagined Xander watching as I did it more in the privacy of my room. At the very least, maybe it was another little fantasy that might help me get off on those infrequent occasions when I really wanted to.
****
Chapter Ten: Kasey at Twenty-Seven
****
"Your brother's divorce is taking a toll," Mom said.
"I know."
"Then I don't know why you keep smiling so much."
I forced my lips back to neutrality for a moment, but it didn't stick. "Come on. It's gonna be good for him. He'll be happier."
"You know that?"
"Yes."
"I'm not convinced."
"Trust me. Once he gets over Beth, Xan'll be way happier. She's only holding him down."
"That's not nice."
"Hey, she's the ex now. You're allowed to be petty toward her."
"It's amicable. They may stay friends."
"It's less spiteful than most. That's not the same as amicable. You know she was screaming at Xan that she's gonna be too old to have kids and it's all his fault wasting her time like that?"
Mom winced. "No. Did she?"
"Mmhm. I mean, what the hell, though? You'd think she'd make sure they were on the same page about kids if that's all she wanted."
"It wasn't all she wanted."
"No. But a big part of it, though."
"Perhaps."
"I don't think Xan wants kids at all."
"Maybe he's just not there yet. Some people take longer than others to settle down."
"Kids aren't just about 'settling down' Mom. There's way more to it than that."
"You'll understand some day."
"Doubt it. I'm not having any."
"Since when?"
"We've had this talk."
"I think I'd remember."
"You just forgot. Probably got too excited thinking Xan was gonna have kids. Ok, well, right. I'm not having kids. There, had the talk. Again."
Mom sighed. "Yes, it's all coming back to me. Somehow I'd forgotten."
"You actually knew I wasn't before I told you, if I recall."
"Yes, I'd forgotten. You were right. I got excited over Xander and Beth." Mom drummed her fingers and eyed me. "But you've changed over the years. Maybe-"
"Don't take that tone with me, Mom. It's not happening."
"The right boy. That's all it takes."
"Not in my case."
"Why not?"
"Xan's the right boy. And for a variety of reasons, kids are not on the table."
Mom rolled her eyes. "Ok, yes you'd be good together. If you weren't both my kids, obviously. But that doesn't mean you need to give up on finding someone for real."
"Enh. Might just move in with Xan and start a life together and-"
"Kasey!"
"Lots of sibs do it, Mom. The spinster aunt types."
"Xander can't be an aunt. And neither of you can, for that matter, if neither of you has children."
"Well played. You've really outfoxed me on that one. Guess I'd best go get preggers with some random idiot then."
"Don't be crude, dear."
"No really. Unprotected sex with multiple strangers here I come!"
Mom sighed. "Whatever did I do to deserve such wonderful and loving children?"
"You're just lucky I guess."
****
"So it's done?"
Xander nodded wearily. "It's done."
"Official?"
"Official."
"Nice."
I offered my closed fist to be bumped. Xander just rolled his eyes at me.
"It was all pretty brutal. I thought getting married was too complicated. Turns out getting unmarried is worse."
"Yeah? Why was it so bad anyway? Thought it was just, like, signing some papers and done."
"In theory. Reality got more complicated."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. We both maybe got a little petty about some stuff."
"I thought it was all supposed to be pretty friendly. As these things go."
Xander shrugged. "It was. Doesn't mean there wasn't still some pettiness involved."
"Ah. Well remind me never to get married then."
"Don't have to. Marriage between siblings is rather frowned upon."
I grinned. "Oh really. You proposing already?"
"I just said-"
"I heard you. But it means you were thinking about me and you, huh?"
"That's not what it means."
"Yeah it is. I never brought it up, did I?" I tossed my head flippantly. "Who says I'd even want to marry you?"
"Seriously?"
"I don't need no man holding me down."
"You've been pining after me since... forever."
"Nope. I'm all emotionally mature and shit these days."
"You wish you were."
"I am."
"So... you're not interested in me anymore?"
"Oh I definitely am. Can't seem to shake that whole thing. But I'm content to just be sibs. I can live with that."
Xander drummed his fingers thoughtfully. "You know... weirdly this is probably the time in my life when I could most use you being obsessed with me."
"Didn't time that very well, did you?"
"Apparently not."
"You'll be fine. Get right back to dating loads of girls and banging 'em."
"There have never been 'loads of girls'."
"Sure there have. Used to always have someone to mess around with. I remember."
"Yeah. You remember through the eyes of a jealous sister, maybe."
"That's-"
"Despite your hangups, you've never been that far behind me."
"I've been way behind everyone."
"Not hardly. That thing you had with Brendan, for instance? That wasn't nothing. If not for Beth, you would have had a longer and healthier relationship than I ever did. And actually you may well have me beat on healthier, as it turns out."
"We split up."
"Sure. But not after an ill-advised marriage."
"I advised against it, for the record."
"Yes. I remember."
I squirmed uncertainly. "I don't know, though. I've been broken so long-"
"You were never broken, Kase."
"Yeah I was. Am. There's stuff I don't like. I wanna be with my brother. That's not normal."
"That's the best argument you got?"
"Shut up. I can do better."
"No you can't. You've figured stuff out. It shows." Xander shrugged. "Maybe that's just all it was. Maybe you're a late bloomer, is all."
"Oh really?"
"Yeah."
"Well... you... might have a point. Maybe."
"Damn straight I might."
It actually made me kind of anxious to think that I was swinging around to being something like normal. I didn't know what to do with it. Xander at least kind of made sense.
And when I thought about it, maybe a big part of my problem had been trying to force things that shouldn't be forced. Maybe I should have just let things happen slower for me.
But then, too, maybe if I hadn't forced some things, maybe I wouldn't know all the things about myself that I knew, and maybe I'd be worse off.
Life. So friggin' complicated.
****
"So you guys gonna hook up now or what?" Lily asked.
"Can't imagine so."
"Dang."
"What's that mean?"
Lily shrugged. "I guess I'm kinda rooting for you. I dunno."
"We can't actually be together, you know."
"You're both single."
"He's still my brother."
"That's never bothered you. Don't act like I don't know that."
"Well... I know we shouldn't though. We both do. Doesn't matter if... if we're both available, and maybe kinda lonely, and it'd be pretty great, and... stuff."
"That's a really compelling argument."
"Shut up."
"I think you should at least give it a go."
"What, you think I haven't?"
"Not when it counted."
"When does it count."
"Now. It counts now."
"Oh gee, so specific."
Lily shrugged. "Just sayin'."
"Just you wait until you have a weird, unfortunate crush going on. Then see how I prod you about it. Won't be so fun then."
"If I ever fall for my brother, I'll be sure to let you know."
"You haven't got a brother."
"I know. Makes me a lot safer."
"Just wait until I knock up your mom. Then we'll see who's laughing."
Lily cracked up. "What, like a brother thirty years younger than me is gonna be a romantic problem? Bish, please."
"Good to know that's the only problem you have with me fucking your mom."
Lily patted my hand. "Honestly, if you can swing it, you have my blessing."
"You're a weird girl, Lil."
"Thanks."
****
"You know going out with you is the thing I look forward to these days?" Xander said.
"What, you only now look forward to it?"
"No, I mean I always did. But, like, it's so super obvious now that it's the best thing I got going on. I think it was for a lot of the time I was with Beth. I just didn't realize it then."
"Yeah. Sex complicates that stuff."
"Believe it or not, it really does."
"I know. I just said that."
"Yeah, but not in a tone like you fully believed it."
"I don't know. Sex is complicated. Sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad ways. But it's complicated."
"Some people don't think so."
"Some people are idiots though. They end up with STIs and babies and shit and are like 'oh no how did this happen?' and it's like... durrr."
"True."
"At least you didn't make a baby with Beth."
"That's a very good point. That coulda been horrible."
"Coulda been."
Xander fidgeted with his coffee cup. "Kase?"
"Yeah?"
"You ever think about these kinda being like dates?"
I tensed slightly, in a fluttery kind of way. "Do you think they are?"
"Well... they kind of are, right? They're kinda basically like what dates are. Except with a lot of talking, mostly, and no kissing and stuff."
"I think that's just how being friends works, mostly."
"Right, sure."
Xander was still fidgety.
"What are you really thinking?" I asked.
"God, I don't know. I'm all confused. Maybe I need some for real, actual dates."
"Probably."
"But... I don't know how to get them."
"... beg pardon?"
"I don't!"
"You absolutely do."
"No I mean, I thought I did. I used to. But now all of a sudden I want to and just... can't."
"Why not?"
"I don't know! Maybe I'm getting too old. Maybe I wasted my best years already."
"You're not even thirty yet."
"I'm getting close." Xander shrugged miserably. "Maybe my youth was the main thing I had going for me."
I snorted. "Your youth. Right. Nah, dude. It's easier when you're younger, but just like 'cause everyone's durdling around looking for something. People get more set as they get older. Dating pool gets smaller and more complicated."
"Yeah. That's part of it, probably."
"You might just have to work at it more."
"Maybe. Maybe I should just give up though."
I rolled my eyes. "Seriously?"
"Yeah. It just feels bad with all the rejection and lack of interest and lack of options and whatever."
"Uh huh." I stood up, carefully walked around to Xander's side of the table, bent down, and kissed him. I didn't hold it long, but enough to register it properly. "Call this a date, then," I said softly. "Get some confidence back."
He stared at me, stunned and fighting a smile. "That doesn't count."
"What, you need a longer kiss?"
"That-"
"'Cause you'd have to earn it. This was your only freebie."
"My only one, huh?"
"Yep."
"So if I tried to kiss you again right now-"
I danced back lightly, just out of his range. "Don't even think about it."
Xander stood and advanced on me. I skipped back again, smiling broadly at him.
"I thought about it," he said.
"Too bad you're so old. You'll never catch me."
Xander made an indignant noise and lunged for me. I darted away and out the front door. He was still after me, so I ran.
I was laughing, somehow keeping ahead of Xander despite not taking my flight all that seriously. Maybe it was just because he was trying to maintain some level of decorum and I wasn't. He shouldn't have bothered. Half-assing chasing his sister down was worse than just going for it as far as dignity was concerned.
He caught me eventually. Of course he did. I would have had to make sure if he didn't manage it on his own. But it was more of a thrill when it was for real, and his hands were on me, arresting my progress all at once.
I breathed hard and shallow from my brief run, but more so from feeling Xander's grip on me, reeling me in.
"Does this count as earning it?" he asked.
"There's so many people around," I replied softly.
"So?"
"So you're gonna kiss your sis in front of them."
"They don't know."
"We do."
Xander nodded, but it only made him hesitate for a second. He pulled me even closer and kissed me.
Fuck it was a good kiss. Like out of a romantic movie. The kind of kiss where the world stops and the camera pans around while triumphant music plays. The kind where I got all melty and wanted to fall into Xander's arms and let him carry me away... somewhere.
It was right up there with our kiss back from before his wedding. That one perfect kiss I thought I'd get. This one was perhaps a little less spontaneous, but the buildup to it was fun and beautiful in its own right.
I was sent right back to my days of pining over my brother, and my memories of curling up and replaying the kiss in my head over and over. Only this was fresh and real. Actually happening. Doing all the things to me that nothing else could match. Shooting thrills and tingles all through me.
I was even more breathless afterward. I gazed at Xander with wide, adoring eyes as he stared right back, searching for my reaction.
"Maybe I shouldn't have done that," he said.
"No, you definitely should have."
I reached over and caressed his cheek, brushing it with my thumb. He leaned into my touch ever so slightly.
"I'm very confused," he said.
"I know." I kissed him again, just soft and quick. "It's a confusing time. Mostly for you. But generally."
"Are you confused?"
"No. Uncertain, maybe."
"About what?"
"Same things as you, probably. More or less. And probably some things that you haven't considered."
"What makes you think I haven't considered those things?"
"Because I've thought about stuff like this way more than you have."
"Oh. Yeah, probably, huh."
"Definitely. Plus, you're kinda on the rebound. Fogs the mind."
"I don't think I am."
"You hundred percent are. And I'm not getting too invested until I know you're over it."
"Tell that to our kiss just now."
I blushed and looked away for a second. "Told you. Freebie."
"No, the first one was a freebie. The long one was... something else."
"Yeah, well, that's your fault." I poked my finger into Xander's chest.
"Not hardly. I only accept half the blame for that. Don't think I missed how hard you were kissing back."
I flushed even warmer. Of course he knew. And yeah, I was easily as much to blame as he was. But we had to be smarter than that. I certainly did. There was way, way too much at stake.
"You're right," I said. "But for real, Xan, we need to be careful."
He nodded slowly. "True."
"And... and I definitely need to know what's going on with you before I let us do anything else."
"Even if I wanted to kiss you more?"
It was the hardest thing I'd probably ever done to press a hand to Xander's chest and take a full step back to put him at literal arm's length. "Please don't," I whispered. "Not right now."
"Yeah. Yeah ok." Xander swiped a hand through his hair. "You're probably right. I think maybe partly... partly I'm just looking for something. And I knew I could get it from you. That's not fair."
"It's not."
"Sorry."
"It's ok. I knew what I was doing."
"I don't want to do stuff like that. Especially... god, especially not to you."
"I know." I smiled humourlessly and patted Xander's chest. "You just need some time. And some thinking."
"That's all I've had lately. Even before Beth and I were officially done."
"Take some more."
"Ugh."
"I know. But... seriously."
"Yeah. You're right." Xander struggled with something for a moment. "Can we still go out again maybe next week?"
My lips quirked into something more like a real smile. "As siblings? Or as a date?"
"... I don't know yet. Maybe both."
I tingled a little, but tried not to let it show. "Let's hope both." I held up a warning finger. "But if it's at all datey, it's only gonna be innocent, yeah?"
"Yeah. Of course. You're my sis-ter. What else would it be?"
I couldn't decide how best to answer that question, and decided it was best just not to say anything.
****
"Holy shit, for real?"
I nodded at Lily's reflection in the mirror, trying and failing to hold back a goofy smile. I focused hard on getting my subtle makeup just right in an effort to control my reactions.
"Yep," I said.
"Like... a for real date though?"
"We're gonna give it a try. We've been working toward it."
"Oh my god!" Lily squealed and hugged me from behind. "This is fucking exciting!"
"You're telling me?"
"I've been waiting so long for this."
"And you think I-"
"No no, I know it's been even longer for you. But... ah!"
Lily was vibrating. Actually physically shaking her arms to release nervous energy as she paced around behind me.
"We kinda just kept our little coffee dates going," I said. "Seeing how it went. But, like, I think we're ready for more."
"What does 'more' mean? Like... fun times?"
"We're taking it slow, Lil. We have to."
"I can't believe the patience you have. I woulda jumped him as soon as the divorce was signed."
"One doesn't simply jump one's brother."
"You could have. I've seen the way he's been looking at you lately. He woulda let you take him to bed any time you wanted."
I had to put my makeup away. It was as good as it was gonna get. The way Lily was winding me up, I could only make things worse at this point.
"You think I'm gonna take him to bed?"
"I'm saying you could. I'm surprised you haven't. That's all."
"You know... it's probably good this didn't happen a few years ago. I probably would have by now."
"Why is that good."
"Seriously?"
"Ok, yeah. It's good. You're right. Ugh. I just want... I want you to get him, Kase. You've wanted him forever."
I clenched my fist for a second, just trying to do something with all the nerves Lily was firing up in me.
"That's why I gotta be so careful," I said quietly. "It'd be so easy to fuck everything up. I'm still not a hundred percent sure Xan's not just rebounding on me. He knows he was kinda doing it. It's not just me."
"It'd never be totally just a meaningless fling. You have to know that."
"I know."
"Good. Xan loves you."
"I know that too."
"You two are perfect for each other."
"I don't know about perfect..." I smiled slow and wide at myself in the mirror. "But pretty good, right?"
"So good!" Lily clapped her hands on my shoulders and stood behind me. "Get him, Kase. He's all yours."
"Would you please stop being the devil on my shoulder?"
"Not likely."
"I've learned a lot. I'm patient. I want to do this right, if it's going to happen at all. I don't need-"
"Whoa, what was that?"
"I-"
"Do you think it might not happen?"
"That's a possibility with dating."
"But... but... even with Xan?"
I put my hand up to my shoulder, patting Lily's fingers. "If it's not right, then yeah. I have to somehow be strong enough to recognize it. I don't know if he'd see that right now. That makes things trickier, and even more important that I'm smart about it."
"What the hell happened to the lost little sister ready to do anything for her brother?"
"She grew up some, Lil. Maybe not enough, but some."
Lily sighed and rested her chin on my shoulder. "You do rather kill the romance of it all, you know."
"Sorry."
"Please just fall in love with each other and live happily ever after."
"I will certainly do my best."
"That's all I ask."
****
It was a proper fancy restaurant and everything. Like we were real adults on a real date. Which, in fact, we were.
As much as I hated this need I had to go slow and really evaluate where we both were at, I had to admit it added a certain necessary something to dating my brother. I could have just gone with my feelings and let passion dictate my actions, but in some ways this was better.
It meant sitting across from Xander over candlelight for the very first time was nerve-wracking in a way that I never would have thought he could make me feel. My mind was whirring along like crazy. I was nervous like a girl out for the very first time with a boy she super liked but didn't know that well.
I knew Xander. Knew him as well as anyone could know anyone else. And yet I was nervous and anxious and excited, and too many other things to keep track of.
"So this is kinda weird, huh?" Xander said.
"A little."
"But... good, I think."
"Me too. The wine's nice."
"And... you look nice."
I blushed and took another sip, making eyes at Xander over the rim of my glass. "Thanks," I mumbled.
We sat in awkward silence for a moment.
"Is it just me, or is this harder than it should be?" Xander asked.
"It's not just you."
"But why, though? It should be so easy."
"'Cause it's for real."
"What?"
"Yeah. It's a real date. Our first one."
"It's not. We've had loads."
"Transitions from just hanging out. They weren't full dates. They weren't at fancy-pants places like this. They weren't all dressed up, with people around to see us and know we're... well, doing whatever it is we're doing."
"Dating," Xander said softly.
My tummy fluttered a little more helplessly every time I was reminded of it. "Yeah. That."
"I was so nervous before picking you up tonight."
"Pff. I'm still crazy nervous."
"Yeah?"
"You kidding me? Of course I am."
"Ok, good. Me too." Xander tapped at his silverware, then had to forcibly restrain his anxious fidgeting. "I couldn't stop thinking about this. About you."
"Jeez, it's just a date," I teased even while my tummy was flipping out on me.
"With my sister."
I sucked in a sharp breath. "True."
"And, like, I don't know if there's ever been so much riding on a date for me before. I never used to care."
"Yeah, well, just think of it like the old days. This goes bad, you can always find another girl to go out with."
"You know that's not true."
"We can't be too stuck on this working, Xan. We need to be ok if it doesn't."
"... what the hell happened to you? Seriously. With the being all mature and stuff about this."
"I'm not, really. But I'm getting better at faking it."
"Ha, yeah, ok." Xander took a deep breath. "I think maybe partly I'm nervous because... because I think I might be more invested in this than you."
"Well we both know that's not true. I've had ten years or more waiting for this."
"Exactly. You've had all that time to figure things out. To think about stuff and come to terms with it."
"You've had lots too. You've known about me for quite some time."
"That's different from feeling it."
I sat a little straighter, all on edge. "Feeling what?" I asked breathlessly.
Xander fussed with his silverware again, avoiding direct eye contact for a moment. "Feeling what you feel. Those same things."
"How do you know?"
He looked straight at me. "Because I haven't been able to get you out of my head."
"You... haven't?"
"Do you even know how insane I've gone?"
"I have an inkling, sure."
"No but for real. You remember that first time we kissed?"
"You think I'd forget that?"
"No, but I wasn't sure it meant as much for you as for me."
"You kidding me?"
"I'm not. Kase, that moment was with me all through my marriage."
"... so I'm a homewrecking little sister now?"
"No. Not hardly. That's all on me. I'm just saying... fuck. What am I saying? I just mean, like, you finding me that day. That kiss. That's what I thought about. Other stuff too, but mainly that. And then... I wanted more. I still want more. I think about you and... and it's bad, Kase. So bad."
I clenched my fingers. My toes balled up tight. I fought with every single muscle in me to maintain an illusion of holding it together. My head was swimming, and not from the wine.
"It was a good fucking kiss," I agreed.
"The best. I never... I honestly never had one that made me feel so good. Except that one with you on our... date. Our pretend date."
"It was partly real." I leaned forward, still tense, but resting my elbows on the table and trying to pretend like I could cope. "You don't know what those kisses did to me."
"I do. That's what I'm saying. They were worse for me."
"Doubt it."
"Kase, they made me realize the same things I think you already knew."
"Such as?"
"Such as, like, maybe it's always been you, and I was way too slow figuring it out."
I brushed my hair back on one side. My fingers trembled too much to even do a good job of it.
"That's a hell of a line."
"It's not a line. I dated girls 'cause it felt nice and it's what I supposed to do. And I got married 'cause... well it didn't feel right, but again it was what I was supposed to do. And you were there falling for me like you're not supposed to do. And somehow I think you got it right."
"Arguable."
Xander took a deep breath. "This date doesn't feel right. And that's only 'cause we're both all tense and stuff. Or at least I am."
"Oh I definitely am."
"Maybe we put too much pressure on it."
"Agreed."
"But I want to try it again, Kase. I want to find what works for us. Because... I really, really want this to work. If I'd been smart, I would have run off with you before I was married."
I snorted. "You didn't want me then."
"I did. Just that I didn't know it. I kissed you and it made me feel so good for that moment. So free. So happy. Like everything could just be easy, and we could have what we wanted. Then I married Beth anyway."
"You did."
"I thought about you so much. I wanted to kiss you again."
"I remember."
"I think I know what you went through all those years. I'm sorry about that. But I don't want to do that. I just want... you."
I went for a sip of my wine to buy a few seconds, but realized in time that it was just as likely I'd spill the rest of the glass as get it safely to my lips.
Instead, I reached halfway across the table and took Xander's hand. He felt a little less trembly than me, but neither of us was in any great state of self-control.
"Well we'd best try this again, then," I said softly but firmly.
Xander smiled in relief. "Definitely."
"And maybe... maybe it was a good enough date that we still should kiss after."
"I think that's a good idea."
"I'll call Lily and see if she can pick us up."
"Why? Neither of us drank that much."
"I don't know about you, but I wouldn't trust myself to drive a straight line right now."
"Hm. Yeah. Fair."
****
Xander and I were fully making out by his car when Lily showed up. Like really quite aggressively. It had started out as just a nice, gentle kiss that slowly got deeper as we discarded our anxieties and just went for it.
It was something more primal than our previous attempts. Not the single moment of pure beauty that it could have been, but something needier and perhaps more meaningful in a different kind of way.
Xander had me pressed up against the side of his car, hands on my sides at first, slowly working down to my hips and up to my shoulders. I held him to me, encouraging him to press as tight as he wanted.
Our fondling was fairly innocent as these things went. Especially considering how fiercely our lips were locked, and the increasing ferocity of our tongues dancing with one another.
He could have touched me anywhere he wanted. Absolutely anywhere. But he didn't even go for the obvious boob or butt grab. I, likewise, mostly behaved myself with my hands, even though I would have been just as free to wander.
I was annoyed when a car pulled up next to us. Annoyed at the interruption. I wanted more time with Xander. More of him on me. Of his mouth and his hands. And, being hornily honest, the hardness I felt rubbing against my lower areas. I'd never in my life been so eager to grind right back on a boy. My panties were fucking soaked. I just wanted more.
"Excuuuse me," called a cheerful voice. "I'm looking for my friend and her bro-ther. You haven't seen them, have you?"
Xander and I somehow stopped, panting and breathless, still searching each other's eyes before finally wrenching our gazes to the side.
There sat Lily in her idling car. Cherubic face beaming over at us with the sort of innocence reserved for the very, very amused.
"You didn't let me know you were here," I said, unable to let go of Xander lest my legs give out on me without his support.
"I did, actually," Lily said.
"Your phone's been buzzing," Xander confirmed.
"It has?"
"Yeah."
"Oh. Why didn't you say?"
"Are you kidding?"
I blushed and tried taking a tentative step away from Xander. I didn't fall over. That was a good sign.
"How drunk did you two get?" Lily asked.
"Not hardly at all, really," I said. "Don't think we even made it to a second glass."
"Seriously? And you're still making out like this in the parking lot?"
"Shhh."
"What? It's not like anyone else here knows you're sib-"
"Shush!" I tugged at Xander. "Come on."
"And why am I picking you up anyway? I thought you must have-"
I flung open the back door on Lily's car and climbed in. Xander was right behind me. He fell partly on top of me, probably on purpose, and we spent a long moment giggling and pretending to try and get ourselves straightened out, while in fact just getting some sneaky feels in.
"Hey! This is not that kind of car, you two," Lily protested. "This is me graciously picking you two up so you don't crash on the way home. Although with you guys not being drunk I still don't get why."
"Go on a date with your brother sometime," I said, giving Xander a last kiss before buckling myself in. "Then maybe you'll get it."
"That kind of only works for you."
"Well then... I don't know. Meet the right girl, maybe. One who does things to you."
"Does things to me? Like-"
"Not dirty things. I mean, like... like basically makes you drunk just 'cause you're with her."
Xander looked at me. "Is that what I do?"
"Tonight you did. And you know it, 'cause you're in no better shape than I am."
Xander grinned. "True."
We were under way, but Xander ignored that and undid his seatbelt. He scooted over next to. I raised my chin defiantly, like I wasn't going to submit to more kisses, but I was fooling no one.
"Hey! Back in your seat!" Lily said.
We ignored her. Xander's lips were on mine. His tongue brushed between them. My arms went around him. Fuck, why was this so good? And how the hell were we just gonna do this in front of Lily?
Then again, she'd seen everything anyway. What was a little more?
****
I woke up next to my brother.
It took a moment for the realization to sink in, but when it did I smiled so wide it almost hurt. I would have curled up tighter with him, but for the fear of disturbing him. The longer Xander stayed asleep, the better.
For a time, I just watched him. I felt his close presence, listened to his soft breaths, and studied his peaceful face.
My bladder, having awakened me the first place, protested my inaction. I ignored it to the level best of my abilities, but I could only get away with that for so long.
Only with great reluctance did I finally slip away from Xander and patter off to the bathroom.
Lily was waiting for me when I stepped back out. Apparently her senses were tingling. Or she'd been specifically waiting for me to get up. One or the other.
"Sooo?"
I tried to brush past her, to no avail.
"So what?"
"Don't be coy. The state you're in, it doesn't work even a little."
I swiped at my hair. I'd seen a brief reflection of myself and my generally rumpled appearance, but hadn't cared even slightly until just now.
"Xan?
"Of course Xan. What happened?"
My smile beamed out cautiously, bringing along a faint, mildly embarrassed flush of my cheeks.
"He's still sleeping," I said softly.
Lily's eyes widened, then narrowed again as she swept them up and down me. "I almost got excited there for a second. But you're still wearing the same thing you were last night. More or less. It never came off, did it?"
I tried to smooth out my dress. Lily was correct. Neither Xander or I had lost our clothes last night. Well, maybe a few things.
"It was just sleeping," I said.
"No it wasn't."
"Ok, there was some kissing, maybe."
"Some? The way you two were going at it in the car, I can only imagine what happened when you were alone."
"Yeah, I bet you imagined."
"How exciting did it get? Tell me!"
I blushed deeper and tried not to think of my lack of panties under my dress. That wasn't really for naughty reasons so much as they'd just been too fucking wet to sleep in comfortably, and I'd kicked them off at some point.
"I'm amazed I could sleep at all," I said.
"Mmhm. But you did."
"Yep."
"And Xan did."
"Mmhm."
"Did he need... help with that?"
Lily made a jerking off gesture with her hand.
"Would you stop. None of your business."
"Of course it's my business." Lily wrapped her arms around me in a surprise hug. "Mmm, I'm so happy for you anyway. Whatever you got up to."
"Lots of kissing. Lots." I started melting again just thinking about it. "And some feeling. Actually lots of that too."
"I bet."
"Mostly PG."
"Really?"
"I mean... kinda."
"Somehow I bet no one watching would have classified it as nearly so innocent."
I squirmed some, finally pushing Lily away. "It wasn't. Oh my god it wasn't. Lil, I've never been so horny in my life."
Lily beamed excitedly. "That a girl!"
"I mean, it really wasn't anything too crazy naughty or anything. But oh my god though. It did things to me..." I shook my head. "Shit, you know in porn and stuff and the girls supposedly get all drenched and want it so bad?"
"I'm familiar."
"... personally or in porn?"
Lily just grinned.
"Ok, well, I think I got it. For the very first time. I understood it."
"See, there ya go."
"But it took making out with my brother."
"Well yeah. You need the right person. That's what it's all about."
"And that's Xan?"
"You know it is. Why are you even asking that? He's been the right guy for... what, like a decade or something?"
I grinned shyly. "Yeah. I guess that's right, huh."
"Damn straight."
"It was so gooood."
"I bet."
"Like oh my god, though. How am I supposed to be all chill and take it slow and... and..."
"Breathe, Kase. You're doing fine."
"I just wanna jump back in bed with him."
"That's good."
"It's not! I don't just... jump into bed with guys. With any of them. And, like, where's my control?"
"Just enjoy it. Seriously. Have fun. It's Xan. You don't need to date. You know each other as well as you ever will."
"I mean... ok, yeah. Sure. But-"
"No buts. Get back in there. Be a slutty li'l sis. Enjoy yourself."
I gasped in indignation even as I allowed Lily to shoo me back to my room. "You know I was trying to get back anyway before you waylaid me."
"I needed to know what was happening."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did. Now go. Stop arguing."
I stood back in my room, door safely shut behind me, Lily on the other side. I stared at Xander for a moment and wondered if I dared change my clothes. Crawling back in while still wearing my dress didn't sound like the best, but I didn't quite dare strip down to undies. Especially with my panties jettisoned the night before.
Fully changing into maybe, like, a sleep shirt or something might make sense. With or without panties depending on how bold I felt.
I slipped out of my dress and what few underclothes remained. I took a moment to purge my face of the tactical makeup I'd applied the day before. It shouldn't have been left on overnight, but something about falling asleep with my brother had distracted me from dealing with it.
After cleansing my face and throwing on what I considered my cutest baggy sleep shirt, I turned around and found Xander lazily staring right at me.
I tutted indignantly and put my hands on my hips. "How the hell long have you been awake?"
"Long enough."
"And you just watched me change?"
"Well... it seemed like a shame not to."
"I wasn't ready for you to see me... naked."
Xander shrugged, clearly not about to be ashamed of his choice. And in all honesty, I was more secretly thrilled than I was upset. In a nervous kind of way, granted, since I really hadn't been prepared for it, and being naked for someone new was never the easiest thing. Even Xander. Maybe especially him.
"To be fair, I only saw you from the back," he said.
"Uh huh. Nothing in my mirror at all?"
"... maybe a few flashes of boob."
"Right."
Xander reached out a hand, beckoning me back toward him. "It all looked good."
"That's not even the point."
But it was, actually, and I wished I'd thought of some way to trick him into complimenting me more specifically.
"I'm sorry I peeked at you while you were naked right in front of me."
"You were sleeping!"
"I mean-"
"I thought you were sleeping!"
"Mmhm. And I appreciate it."
"Ugh. You're just the worst first thing in the morning, you know that?"
"Just wait until we do even naughtier things. Then see how insufferable I am."
Maybe panties would have been a good idea. Soaking them was far better than letting it all just run down my thigh. Probably. It wouldn't get that bad anyway, I hoped.
Or maybe I wanted to soak myself. I didn't know. I wasn't used to this. Even with Brendan, horniness had to be carefully coaxed out of me. Then there was fucking Xander who could lie there all rumpled and unapologetic and make me all confused and abuzz.
"What makes you think we're doing naughtier things?"
"Didn't you always say you'd basically do anything I wanted?"
"Ha! Is that what you think?"
"Well you said it."
"Mmhm. In my younger days. When I was such an innocent. Not at all capable of looking after myself. You missed your chance, Xan. I'm far cleverer these days."
"And yet you still accidentally got naked for me. How clever do-"
I growled and pounced on Xander. It shut him up for a few seconds, but didn't really accomplish much else. Except to get us rubbing and grinding on each other some, which was its own reward, really.
"I should never have let you in my bed already. You're just gonna be a little shit about it."
Xander laughed and rolled on top of me. He did it so easily, and only partly because I let him. As if I needed to be any wetter, or for the butterflies inside me to whirl any faster. It was simply unfair the way he could pin me down whenever he wanted, and just how little emotional defense I had for it.
"I'm just happy, is all," he said. He got close and gave my cheek some light kisses, eventually culminating in me turning my head so he'd kiss my lips instead.
"Of course you're happy. You've got someone to rub your dick on."
Xander grinned. "Sure. But it's not even about that. I just... fuck, Kase. I'm so much happier already. It's so much easier with you. And I don't mean sex-wise, 'cause that's still more complicated."
My heart pounded and I tried to squirm from under Xander. I didn't try very hard, though, and just ended up rubbing on his boner more than anything.
"You're happier, are you?"
"Yeah. So much. Aren't you?"
"Even without sex?"
"Mmhm. It's just, like, that stuff seemed so important before. With Beth. With Milly. Zoey. Anyone. It was always basically about sex as, like, the driving force, whether it was happening or not. And maybe it never should have been."
"Probably not."
"And then all these years with you, whenever we lived together or hung out or whatever, sex was never an issue."
"Couldn't be."
"Well... yeah, in a sense." Xander kissed me again. "It's just so nice, though. Not having to worry about it. Having a relationship built on lots of other stuff. Still wanting sex, but being ok if there isn't any."
"For real? All this and you'd be ok if we never fuck?"
It figured. He was the only boy who I'd ever been desperately horny for, and who I'd happily let seduce me into things. And now he decided he could do without sex if necessary. What the hell was that about?
And yet, there was something so sweet about it too. Knowing that I was different to him. Special. In a brand new kind of way from what I'd already known. It was so very conflicting.
"I really think I would, yeah."
"Tell that to your dick."
"Ha, yeah, ok. Maybe I should stop grinding on you, huh?"
"... well I didn't say that."
Xander bit his lip a second, and his rhythm hesitated, but he went right back to fully grinding on me like just the baddest big brother. Fuck I loved it.
Thank fuck he was still fully bepanted, because my shirt was not enough protection. He'd already pushed it up past my pussy, and was grinding on my thigh close enough to where he'd hit my soaked entrance sometimes, and even my clit. If I helped him out, he could be directly on it with every move. It took the resistance of a goddess not to move a little and make it happen.
"I'm probably gonna just cum in my pants here."
"Good. Do it."
"That's such a mess."
"Mmhm. But it'll be your mess and not mine, so that's fine."
"Mean."
"Practical."
I pressed back against Xander as best I could, giving him a little extra purchase for rubbing himself off on me. He groaned in a way that absolutely delighted me and only encouraged me to grind back on his cock.
The more I pressed to him, the more he rubbed on my thigh and missed my pussy altogether, but that was ok. I loved it. I was so into the little noises he made, and the increasing desperation of his thrusting. Especially the knowledge that I was helping my brother get off. That was a heady thought, and was keeping me on edge even without direct stimulation.
Xander eventually grunted differently and spasmed, and his rhythm went all to hell before he gave it up entirely.
"You came?" I asked.
He nodded. "Yep."
"In your pants?"
"Of course."
I grinned and gave him a lingering kiss. "Feel better?"
"Definitely. But also... kinda gross now. From the mess."
"Not from the questionable morality of getting off on your sister?"
"Not so much."
"Oh good."
I kissed him some more. I was definitely addicted to that part. There wasn't really any way I was giving up on the idea of sexier stuff, all in due time, but there'd be pure hell to pay if I ever had to give up on kissing Xander for any reason. That was non-negotiable at this point as far as I was concerned.
I began to regret getting Xander off, though. He wasn't grinding on me anymore, and I was still such a horny little thing. I wasn't used to this. To feeling my need so strongly, either alone or with someone.
"Do you need to get off too?" he asked.
"... maybe."
"You can't be more definite than that?"
"Do I need to be?"
"Kinda. Anyone else, I'd probably be trying to go down on you right about now. You... I mean, I know you don't always want certain things, and I don't want to put pressure on doing stuff you don't really want, and-"
Of all the times for a boy to be considerate about my lack of arousal. The one time I actually really needed some attention.
"Ok, I need it," I interrupted.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I'm horny as fuck, Xan."
He grinned with more than a little pride and a definite hint of smugness. "'Cause of me?"
"Well duh. No one else here."
He kissed me. He was still pinning me down. I couldn't get purchase to grind back on him the way I wanted, but boy was I trying.
"That's good for my ego," he murmured.
"Shush. It's not about you."
"Kinda is."
"Xaaannn, I'm horny, ok? Fucking just... just do stuff."
"Is that ok?'
"Yes!"
"You don't want to take it slower and-"
"You're fucking infuriating, you know that?"
"Just making sure. Consent is very important, you know. Good to be on the same page."
I was about ready to smack Xander, but he was already moving. Sliding down my body, in fact.
Instead of the anxiety and reluctance I might have felt under other circumstances, I just got more excited. I didn't know what he was going to try, but I knew it was going to be something dirty, and I was so ready for it.
God it was a weird feeling. Good. Exciting. Fun. But definitely weird.
I squirmed and clutched my hands up to my face. It was one of those moments where I wanted to both cover my eyes and see absolutely everything. I tried to wiggled my hips away from Xander, but it did nothing at all to stop him. He flipped my shirt up easily, baring my wet little pussy to him.
"Oh wow," he said.
"What? What's wrong?"
"Nothing. You're soaked, though."
"I'm not."
"You are. You must know that you are." Xander ran a finger across my slit, making me shiver.
"Ok. Maybe I do."
"It's nothing to be embarrassed about."
"Who says I'm embarrassed?"
"The fact that you're only barely looking at me."
"Shut up."
I grabbed a pillow and put it over my face, blocking Xander out. I still heard his laugh clearly.
Then his tongue was on me. He wasted no time at all burying his face in my snatch. Just going right for me. Apparently he thought it was ok. No warning or anything. No gentle working up to it. Gently teasing around the area. Just straight up licking my pussy.
It was, perhaps, the best feeling in the world. Our intense makeouts being the only real competition. In my horny state, being eaten out took the win, if only in the moment.
Xander pushed my legs farther apart. It wasn't quite the same feeling as being pinned down and grinded on, but it had a similar sensation of me being physically controlled for sexy purposes. And because it was Xander, it just made me wetter.
It was like he was lapping at a constant trickle of my arousal. I felt myself leaking more with every swipe of his tongue, replenishing what he stole.
Xander was clearly loving it. Not on the pure, visceral level I was, but he definitely was. Probably similar to how I enjoyed blowjobs sometimes. Only more so. His tongue was an enthusiastic little thing, flicking tirelessly over my clit and caressing the length of my aroused, puffy lips.
"Fuck you taste good," Xander whispered.
I tossed my pillow aside, daring to look down my body at my brother. "Well don't stop."
"You're enjoying it then?"
"Yeah."
Xander brushed his thumb over my clit, grinning up at me with a gleaming, wet chin. He dipped his head back down, lowering his mouth back to work, and sucked gently on my clit.
"Unfff," I moaned.
I let out more soft little noises, each one getting a pleased reaction from Xander. He'd be smug about it. Being the one to melt his frigid little sis and all. I was ok with that. For the way he was making me feel, he could be as smug about it as he damn well pleased.
"Yes yes yesss," I hissed.
My hand found the back of Xander's head, stroking and encouraging him. I just wanted more. I wanted to cum. I wanted to cum on a boy's face. Another new one for me. But oh god I wanted it so badly.
He was going to do it. It was right there, bubbling to the surface. That feeling that I always had to find for myself, in some capacity. But Xander could do it for me. My beloved big brother. All it took was some sibling makeouts and his fantastic, adoring tongue all over my pussy.
And holy shit it was a good one. Like the best of my toy-assisted orgasms, but with an actual emotional element to it that made it deeper than anything I could do to myself. Someone I loved who loved me back, and who truly wanted to get me off.
Xander kept licking me while my toes curled and I held him down hard against me. He just kept tonguing me. My body tensed, my pussy spasmed, and little thrills ran up through me. If not for him holding my thighs back, I probably would have shut them on his head. I was lost for a long moment, and not fully in control of myself. He had control. My brother. Taking over me by virtue of licking me out so damn good.
I luxuriated in the orgasm. There was nothing else to be done. Just enjoy it and the aftermath, and the physical closeness of my brother. Who was still licking me, for some reason, even if it was only just occasional soft little swipes at this point.
"Holy fuck," I breathed.
Xander lifted his face again, somehow not looking quite as smug as I'd expected.
"You came?"
"What, you couldn't tell?"
"No, I was pretty sure. I just wasn't convinced I'd be able to do it for you."
"You seemed to have it pretty well under control."
He kissed the inside of my thigh. "Not faking it then, huh?"
"Nope. Thank god. Faking it gets exhausting, and it's like what's the point after a while?"
He kissed me again. He was gonna have to stop teasing me down there, or I'd shove him right back into my snatch and make him go again.
Maybe I should just do that regardless...
Xander laid another couple kisses on me, then flipped my shirt back down as though modesty was any kind of concern at this point. He crawled back up and went for a proper kiss, which I only just barely fended off.
"Hey, no! Your face is all full of pussy!"
"Mmhm. Yours."
"I don't want that."
"Why not?"
"That's weird."
"How is that the weird part?"
"It obviously is."
Xander chuckled softly. "Please can I have a kiss?"
He was looking at me with those eyes. Those damn eyes I couldn't refuse. Why did he have to look at me like that while I was riding high and feeling so damn vulnerable to anything he wanted?
"Fine. One."
He grinned and kissed me. Honestly, I didn't taste that bad. Arguably, it was even pretty good. I already knew that. I'd tasted myself before, just out of curiousity. It was even better coming from his lips than my finger or something. And maybe it was even kind of hot getting a kiss from my brother's lips after he'd eaten me out and made me cum. Maybe.
Xander pushed it and kept trying to kiss me more. I giggled and pushed his face away, even when he kept coming back. We got to wrestling again, but having both cummed already, it was a sillier, less overtly sexual kind of play-fighting. Much less grinding on one another this time around.
"I should probably clean up," Xander said.
"Mmhm. Probably."
"Unless you want me to do it again?"
"Don't tempt me."
"It's a serious offer."
"I know." I gave Xander a shove. "Go have a shower or something."
"Ok."
He grinned and sneaked another kiss before rolling out of bed and leaving me alone.
I lay right where I was for some time after. I still felt good. Floaty. Euphoric. Like nothing was quite real.
I didn't really know what to do with any of it. I could easily have said yes to Xander. Let him eat me out again. Maybe multiple times. All morning, if his jaw didn't give out.
But it was probably best not to get carried away just yet. Wasn't it? Or was that silly? Was that just me scaring myself and not really knowing what to do with sex that I was actually really into?
Lily might have some thoughts. And I had to get back out of bed sooner or later. I was getting hungry.
"You two seemed to be having a good time," Lily said airily.
"Spying were you?" I accused, entirely unconcerned.
"No spying required, thank you very much." Lily grinned nearly as smugly as Xander. "I don't think I've ever heard you enjoying yourself so much."
I looked away. "You heard that?"
"Some. Enough."
"Oh."
"But it was good, right? Not disappointing?"
"Definitely not disappointing."
"Good."
I smiled shyly. "Really good," I confirmed.
"What'd you do?"
"None of your business."
"Tell me anyway."
I shrugged and kept silent for all of eight seconds. "He licked me."
"Ooh, good brother."
"Mmhm."
"And you..."
"Oh I didn't do much, really. He came from, uh, rubbing on me. While we were making out and stuff."
Lily laughed in delight. "I'm happy for you, Kase. Really happy."
"Me too."
"So how come you're not in the shower with him?"
I thought about it. It was tempting. Xander would be all naked and wet, and probably hard again. Or he would be if I joined him, at least.
"Shouldn't push it right now."
"The hell you say."
"I'm serious."
"Maybe. But you're wrong. You're in love. You have the one you want. Enjoy it. Don't be so afraid."
"That's... that's not as easy as you make it sound."
Lily sighed and came over to give me a hug. "You love each other, Kase. It's gonna be fine."
"I know. But... I don't know what I'm doing. I've never really wanted someone before. I've been ok with doing stuff. But I've never wanted to do stuff. Not, like, actively. I haven't been desperate for it."
"You're desperate now?"
"Kinda. Maybe."
"So roll with it. Do what you want."
"What if it's too much all at once?"
"For him or you?"
"... both?"
"Well, if it's too much for you, then stop when you want to. If it's too much for him... oh who are we kidding? It won't be. He's so into you it's kinda painful."
"It's not quite that bad."
"Yeah it is." Lily smacked my butt and sent me yelping off toward the bathroom. "Go get him. I mean it!"
"I already did once. Stop trying to run my love life!"
"Then don't make me step in, how 'bout that? Get going!"
I sneaked into the bathroom, butt cheek still fresh off of Lily's sharp smack. As much as I wanted to be in charge of my own relationship, I was pretty sure I also wanted an excuse to let myself go and enjoy the present. If it took Lily bossing me around a little, then so be it.
"Kase?" Xander asked cautiously, apparently noting my entry.
"It's me," I confirmed.
"What ya doin'?"
"Having a shower."
I pulled off my shirt, leaving me all nakey and ready to hop in with him. My pussy was still a wet mess from earlier, and I felt it tingling back to life at the prospect of getting more time with my brother. Nevermind that we were both naked already and barely separated by a lonely shower curtain.
"I'm still in here."
I grinned with nervous excitement, trying not to tremble as I closed the gap and stepped in with Xander.
"Yeah. I know."
I didn't even get a chance to survey his wet, naked body. I was barely in with him before we were at each other, hugging tight, kissing, letting water run down around our joined bodies.
As I'd guessed, he was hard. Pulsing against me, in fact. Definitely happy to have me there, sharing the intimate space.
"For someone who never gets horny, you sure are horny today," Xander mumbled in between wet, sloppy kisses.
"You bring out the best in me."
"Apparently so."
"And... and fuck it. Xan, I love you. You've always been the one who could do this to me. Just... I didn't even know how badly you could make me need you. I didn't know."
"You make it really hard not to get a giant ego over this."
"I don't even care. Have the biggest ego you want. Just... keep doing this. Keep being you." I guided his hand to my pussy. "Keep making me feel things like no one else can. Keep reminding me why I'm yours."
"Are you mine?"
"Have been since forever." I looked at Xander very seriously. "I thought I could be in control. I can't. All of a sudden I have you, and you want me, and... it's like everything I learned doesn't matter. I couldn't even let you shower in peace. Though I partly blame Lily for that."
"I must remember to thank her."
"You really must."
We kissed again, firm and loving, and in that special way that made me all wobbly and melty and weak in my brother's arms. His finger started dancing on my pussy, adding special little tingles and thrills to my already overhyped body.
"We should take it slow," Xander said.
"Mmhm. Probably."
"I don't wanna fuck anything up with you."
"Me either."
"But I already licked your pussy. So obviously that's gotta be ok."
"I mean, if you really wanna do it again..."
Xander smiled wide as he sank to his knees. I leaned back against the wall and spread my legs for both balance and access. This was so new to me, but holy fuck could I get used to it.
****
Chapter Eleven: Kasey at Twenty-Seven Part Two
****
I couldn't get enough. Thankfully, Xander couldn't either.
His living situation was more complicated than mine, and my roommate already knew about and supported our relationship, so there were a lot of sleepovers at my place. A looottt.
It was easily the happiest and most carefree time of my entire adult career. It still scared me sometimes, but not for any rational reason. Nothing happened to make either of us think we were doing the wrong thing. Not by any means.
It might just have been a fear of change. An anxiety surrounding actually finally getting what I wanted. Maybe that was all it was.
It thrilled me to go out with Xander. To be in public with him on dates, or just running errands. Whatever it might be.
I loved holding his hand or sneaking little kisses. Anything that gave away that we were together. No one knew we were brother and sister. That was our secret. It was scary thinking that someone we knew would catch us sooner or later, but even that prospect just got me more worked up, and sometimes meant my panties were soaked by the time I got home.
I was a horny little thing like never before. Never ever. I wasn't sure whether Xander or I was more delighted about it.
"Can I ask you something?" Xander said one morning.
We were cuddled on the couch, having eaten breakfast and still mindlessly watching cartoons. It was all an excuse to be close anyway. Most things were.
I had Xander's cock out so I could play with it. Actually just play. I'd previously enjoyed jerking cocks off to make a boy feel good, but I was only just learning to selfishly appreciate them as toys. At least this specific one. I had so much fun making it hard in my hand, then holding or rubbing it and seeing what reactions I could get.
"Ask me anything. You know you can."
"Mmhm. Ok. Well, you remember when you used to dress like this back at home?"
I considered. I was only in panties and a tight little cami. There had indeed been that phase way back when.
"Sure."
"I just got thinking about it. I never asked at the time, but like, was that all an attempt to seduce me?"
I grinned and rubbed Xander's cock just a tad faster. "Maybe."
"It was, wasn't it?"
"Yeah. It was. Basically. I mean, I don't know about seduce. But get your attention, for sure."
"You know there were times I thought maybe you were actually just coming out of your shell."
"Not really. Except for you, if you'd wanted."
"That was mean. You know I couldn't do anything back then. Not with us both living at home."
"We coulda been sneaky."
"Really? You would have been ok with that? Sneaky makeouts, and that's it?"
"I'm sure it woulda been more than makeouts."
"Yeah, no, but I mean, there couldn't have really been any romance to it. Nothing more than whatever we could get away with unseen."
I sighed. "Yeah. That's true. I woulda been ok with it, I think. But it's better it didn't happen then. It sucks not having that time, kinda, but I think it woulda been worse that way."
"Mmhm." Xander had an arm around me and was casually feeling my tit through my thin top. "I think we're both wiser now. Not wise enough to not get with our sib, but something, at least."
"Wisdom's got nothing to do with who you want to be with. Just got to do with how you're with them, and what you'll accept in the relationship."
"That's... pretty deep."
"Thanks."
"I'ma have to process that some."
"You do that."
Somehow, thinking back to my phase of trying to dress slutty for my brother got me even more worked up. Or maybe that shouldn't have been a surprise. Juxtaposed with our relationship these days, it was kind of fun to think about what could have been going through his head back then, or how close I might have gotten him to doing something stupid.
"How much did I make you think about me?" I asked.
"Kind of a lot. It was confusing at the time. I was trying to, like, not be bad. You definitely got me hard a few times."
"Yeah?"
"Maybe more than a few."
"Oh good."
"I don't know. You kinda threw me right off though. Like, it actually weirded me out too much to really watch any incest stuff for a while."
"Oh. Whoops. Didn't mean for that."
"Nah, it's fine. I think... I think I was just too young to really understand everything about myself. I mean, we all are at that age, probably. They say you're an adult, but like, there's so much stuff you're still figuring out."
"I know, right?"
"And I was in no position at that time to ever accept that I could fall for my sister."
"You were frustrating that way, alright."
Xander's hand dropped from my chest down to my lap. He rubbed me over top of my panties.
"In hindsight, I think I could have fallen for you long ago, if I'd been willing to really think about it."
"Only when you're horny, I bet."
"Hm, maybe. That is a factor at times." Xander kissed me. "I don't know what might have happened. I'm just really enjoying what we have now."
I sucked in a breath as he pressed harder against my pussy through my undies. I was getting all worked up. More so than before, even.
Without stopping to think about it, I slipped out of Xander's grasp and knelt in front of him. He was in his boxers and shirt, cock sticking out through his underwear. I tugged at his boxers until he helped me get them off, and in the process guided him to sit his butt closer to the edge, and closer to me.
"What we have is pretty good," I said quietly, just before attacking Xander's cock.
I'd had some time to get used to having my brother whenever I wanted, basically, but not nearly enough to really adjust to it. It had been, what, two weeks maybe since that first sleepover? Three? Something like that. I had a hard time keeping it straight. If not for my work schedule, I might have lost track of time entirely.
Xander's cock twitched in my mouth as I wrapped my lips around him. My clit gave a little twinge in return.
It was a hard call whether I liked sucking him off better than having him lick me out. They were both good in their own way. I didn't really cum just from sucking him, which was probably the deciding factor there.
But I still fucking loved it.
My traditional favourite sexual activity, sucking and jerking, was improved tremendously with Xander. Before, it was something I was good at, something that kept the focus off of me. Now it was so much better, something I could truly get off on, and I was happy I had so much practice.
Even while learning to be more sexually selfish, I still craved the feeling of making Xander feel good too. It wasn't hard to do. But there was an even more special feeling when I took control of him and made him cum. When I knew that my skill and his love and attraction for me all came together to make him explode.
I gazed up at Xander while I worked his shaft. I grazed the base of his cock with my fingers, but mostly used my mouth to its full capability.
He felt so amazing in me. His little twitches, the steady but subtle flavours of his precum leaking into me, the constant warmth and hardness.
And the way he looked at me. I spent far too much time trying to meet his gaze, because that more than anything was what soaked me. My big brother's eyes looking at me, all full of love and lust and need.
I rubbed myself slowly at first but ever increasing to full masturbation while getting off on getting him off.
Lily wandered in mid-blowjob, bowl of cereal in her hand. It didn't stop me. Her presence still weirded Xander out somewhat. He wasn't used to having her around the way I was. It didn't faze me even slightly to have her there, but I felt the tension in Xander's legs, and a sudden reticence from his brotherly cock filling my mouth.
"Another fun morning, huh?" Lily said without any judgement. She plunked herself down in the recliner, not joining us on the couch. All the better for Xander's comfort level.
"You know you make Xan shy when you just walk in like that," I said, pulling my face off his lap and taking the chance to stroke him and spread spit and precum around with my hand.
"Need I remind you that if you want privacy-"
"Bedroom. Yeah yeah, I know."
"'K. Just so we're clear and all."
"Mmhm."
Xander was doing his best not to look at Lily, and unfortunately that led to less delicious eye contact as I went back to sucking him.
Halfway through her cereal, Lily put on a porn vid instead of the cartoons no one was watching. I wasn't sure if that helped Xander be more comfortable or not. It was the same brother and sister thing we'd watched a few nights ago, one of the rare evenings where Xander wasn't over.
Lily stuck a hand down her panties, rest of her cereal forgotten. She kept her eyes mostly on the screen, but I had the sense that it was a cover for actually watching us.
Again, an audience didn't bother me nearly as much as Xander. I was used to it. To Lily specifically. And if she wanted to get off to a sisterly blowjob playing out right in front of her, I didn't really mind.
Xander's embarrassment didn't stop him from cumming. I was too practiced, too good at what I did. And he loved his li'l sis sucking him off way too much.
I got his full load of cum in my mouth. I was really getting to love that part. Feeling Xander explode in me. Getting the taste of him all over my mouth. It made me so turned on. So horny. It was like sucking him off ramped up to something far beyond, if only for a moment.
About half Xander's cum went straight down my throat as I swallowed the initial shots. I held the rest on my tongue, savouring the moment, the taste, the knowledge that my brother was experiencing pure bliss for a few precious seconds, and all thanks to me.
Doing stuff with Xander had done so much to help me understand sexuality the way I assumed most other people probably just got. It all made sense with him. So much sense.
Which wasn't to say I was above still being the little sister sometimes rather than a sexual partner. Or maybe a combination of the two.
I climbed back atop Xander, deliberately pressing against his cock even as it softened. I went for a kiss and almost made it before he realized.
"Is there still cum in your mouth?"
I shook my head.
"There is, isn't there?"
I shook my head more vigourously.
"Kaaassse? Swallow, please."
I shrugged and swallowed, then opened my mouth wide to show off it being empty.
"That's better."
Xander then allowed a nice, deep kiss, though he broke it off before I really wanted to.
"You still taste like cum."
"Only makes sense. You did just cum all over my mouth."
"You know I'm not really into that."
"You're always kissing me tasting like pussy, aren't you?"
"That's different."
"So isn't."
"So is."
We just stared at each other, then turned as one to Lily.
"Ruling?" I asked.
Lily was still playing with herself, and wasn't even pretending to be watching porn instead of us. "I dunno. Get another mouthful and swap it a little, I'll see what I think."
Xander made a face and rolled his eyes. I cracked up.
"Not all that helpful," I giggled.
"And kinda pervy," Xander added.
"Need I remind you both that-"
"Yeah yeah. I know. We could have privacy if we wanted." Xander ran his hands up from my hips along my back, then back down to my butt. "I'm a little afraid if we stayed in Kase's room anytime we were horny... we'd never really do much else."
I enjoyed Xander's hands on me, feeling me up in my skimpy outfit. I was all worked up from that and from blowing him, and from Lily watching, and from being properly in love and it still being so fresh, and... and... just everything really.
Xander's fingers finally slipped into the front of my panties before I felt the need to guide them there myself. I sighed happily and curled up with my big brother while he rubbed my horny little pussy for me.
I felt so secure, loved, and taken care of.
****
"You two have really been going at it."
I shrugged, flicking my eyes over at Lily for a second.
"It feels good."
"Yeah I bet. I've seen it. It looks amazing."
I grinned. "It really, really is. Who would have thought that teenage me had it all figured out and I just needed to listen?"
"I mean, it always seemed like you did listen, there just wasn't anything you could do."
"Hm, yeah, maybe."
"Xan didn't want it back then."
"True. And I still try and tell myself that I wasn't ready yet anyway. I needed some more life experience. But I dunno. I probably could have been more forceful in seducing him or something. Coulda just gone for it."
"Kase, honey, you wouldn't have known how to seduce anyone back then."
"I... ok, yeah, that's a good point. But still, though."
Lily shifted a bit and slipped a pair of fingers inside herself. In Xander's absence, we were having one of our movie nights. In theory I shouldn't have needed them, but in practice I was horny like never before these days, and having an excuse to play with myself on a non-date night was kinda nice. Plus getting some quality time in with Lily, since I knew I'd been ignoring her somewhat lately. It was hard to think of anyone other than Xander some days.
"I know it feels like wasted time," Lily said while fingering herself. "I feel that sometimes about relationships. Failures or modest successes both. But, like, everything you go through kinda helps. Makes you more ready to handle the real thing."
"You think?"
"I hope."
"Ha, yeah."
I rubbed my pussy a little faster as I got thinking about Xander some more. I mostly ignored the porn we were watching.
Honestly, our incest porn viewings had always been something of a substitute for me. A way of fantasizing about Xander, or someone as close to him as I could get, which unfortunately often just meant witnessing someone pretending to be a brother while fucking their equally pretend sister.
Dirty stories had come closer for me, in that they allowed me more creative freedom in how I imagined the characters, and if I was selective I could get far more romance and connection than I ever could in videos.
Either way, they were only pale imitations of the real thing. I had actual, for real experiences now. Experiences that even in my memory hit me far harder than any porn could ever manage.
I still liked masturbating with Lily. Watching our incest vids. Maybe that was weird. I sometimes worried that maybe it was. I didn't worry too hard, though. It was just something we did, and something that was kind of nice for reasons I couldn't fully explain. Possibly even just for the sense of belonging and having someone to share these things with.
"Hey, Lily?"
"Yeah?"
"So I think Xan's really starting to want sex, and-"
"You haven't done that yet?"
"Don't make it sound so weird, please."
"Sorry. I mean, it's you. Maybe I shoulda guessed."
"Still making me sound weird."
"No I just mean, like, I know how you feel about that stuff. I just thought it was different with Xan."
"It is. That's what I was trying to get at." I grinned softly to myself and rubbed small circles on my clit. "I'm excited."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Like... like I'm not worried or stressed about it. I mean, maybe a little. But not nearly like I usually would be. I think I really want it."
"Well good. So do it then."
"Just like that?"
"Why not?"
"I don't know. I think it's a situation where because I'm not dreading it, I kinda don't really know how to feel. And, like, being excited is kinda giving me some anxiety because of-"
"So essentially you've got a good thing, and you're so not used to that that you're self-sabotaging."
"... maybe."
"Yeah. Don't do that. Fuck your brother, ok? Just do it. Enjoy it."
"Maybe I will."
"Good."
"Ok."
Nervous tingles ran through me, mixing with some pleasant, sexual feelings that I could help along by playing with myself.
Lily and I rubbed our pussies together side by side in near silence for a little while. I wasn't really anywhere close to getting off, but I liked the high I was riding of keeping myself aroused and thinking about Xander. Lily came, though, and just kept a hand between her legs afterward. Both of us touching, but not really searching for orgasm.
"Lil?"
"Hm?"
"I'm gonna fuck my brother."
Lily grinned and started rubbing herself again, only slowly. "Nice."
"I think so."
"Can I watch?"
"No, you fucking perv."
"Hehe, worth a try."
"No it wasn't. Stick with getting off to incest porn like a normal person, would you?"
"I've had to say this a lot already, but you and Xan seriously won't stay in your room to do stuff. Much of the perving is not my fault. I refuse to accept it."
"True. Sex will be."
"At least at first."
"Always!"
"Yeah. You say that now."
I squirmed. "Ok. Maybe I'm kinda bad for that."
"I don't mind."
"Uh huh. I'm just saying, like... ok, so yeah, we kinda get carried away out here sometimes. I used to with Brendan too. And, like, I don't know. It's probably weird, right? Like I'm so sex-averse most of the time... why do I do that?"
"I wouldn't say you're sex-averse."
"I've been averse to sex for most of my life."
"Well yeah, when you put it that way." Lily shrugged, still lightly fingering herself. "I think more than most you just really needed the right person. Or, like, the right kind of connection. Like if you were demisexual or something, y'know?"
"I don't. What's that?"
"Oh. Like when you aren't interested in sex unless there's a strong emotional connection."
"Well duh. That's how it works."
"No, Kase. That's how it works for you. Not for everyone."
I frowned. "But... oh. But... no wait. Um... what?"
"Surely you've realized that before."
"I mean kinda. Sorta. Not in quite such a specific way."
Lily patted my shoulder. "Sorry. Did I blow your mind just now?"
"Kinda. I gotta look into this." I curled up a little tighter into myself, knees up toward my chest, masturbation entirely forgotten even though my pussy was still out and pretty wet. "Does that mean that, like, the whole incest thing isn't actually what I'm after?"
"I don't think it ever was. Not really."
"We've spent so much time getting off to it together."
"Yeah. But, like, you wanted Xander, right? And he happened to be your brother. I think there's a good chance your kink came from him, and not the other way around."
"Oh. Yeah. Probably."
"I, on the other hand, just think it's hot."
I snorted, then giggled, relieving some of my tension. "You perv."
"That's me."
I cautiously looked over at Lily and her concerned but grinning expression.
"You know," I said slowly. "Maybe that's what it is too. Maybe you and me have that connection."
"Hm?"
"Like... that connection I need. Maybe that's why I don't mind doing stuff around you. Or masturbating together. Or whatever."
"... Kase you better not be saying-"
"Whoa whoa, no. Not like... not like I want something. I mean, maybe if I was into girls or something... but no, not like that."
"Good. 'Cause I'm over you in, like, that kind of way. I don't need that complication. Nor do you."
"No. Definitely not. Just, I don't know. You're my best friend. I like being able to do stuff with you. I don't want to, like, be with you. But being open and whatever. It's been pretty great for me."
"Yeah. Me too. Although I think maybe that's enough together time for today."
"Probably the right call."
"Would you mind terribly if I, uh, borrowed your magic wand? Just for efficiency's sake."
I laughed. "It's almost more yours than mine at this point anyway."
"No no, still yours."
"I'm seriously gonna get you your own one of these days. Maybe a big birthday. When are you thirty again?"
"I'm the same age as you, you dick. You know it's not for a couple years yet."
"You've got a year on me. One year closer to thirty."
"Ugh. You're the worst."
"Don't be mean. I'll take back my toy."
"Good luck with that. It's still in my room from last time."
I rolled my eyes. "Yeah. Definitely need to get you your own."
****
"You seem nervous."
"No," I lied.
"Kase, I felt your hand tense up. You're nervous about something."
"No using hand holding to lie detect me. That's cheating."
"I can't help it. You always wanna hold hands."
"Yeah. It's the best. Fight me."
Xander squeezed my hand tighter for a second, reassuring me. "I don't disagree. I'm just saying I can tell something's up."
I shrugged, just buying time. "Maybe something is."
"And you don't wanna tell me?"
"It's a complicated one."
"Is it?"
"Well... no. I don't know, Xan. Like, it's been a nice evening."
"I thought so too."
"Dinner, drinks, a goddamn walk on the beach of all things."
"You don't like that?"
"I love it. I love you."
"... I'm not following what the problem is, then."
"I know." I stopped and waited while Xander took an extra half-step, then turned to me. "You're gonna have to take me home."
"But... Kase, I'm worried. Would you just tell me what's wrong?"
"There's nothing wrong. It's not like that." I reached over and brushed Xander's cheek, looking deep into his eyes. "I want to be alone with you."
"Oh. Well that's ok then."
"Yeah I thought you might be ok with that."
"Am I so predictable?"
"First of all, yes. Second of all, I felt how hard you were when we stopped to make out a ways back, and you know it."
"Ha, you got me. We still gotta walk all the way back to the car."
"I know."
"We could just be bad. This section of beach is deserted."
"Well sure. The sun's basically down."
"We could do stuff here."
"Xan..."
"That'd be kind of fun, wouldn't it?"
"I don't know. It doesn't matter though. This isn't that kind of night."
"What kind of night is it?"
"... a night where you take me to bed?"
Xander took a moment processing. It was partly my fault for being so vague. I couldn't help it though. It was hard to come right out and tell him I wanted sex. It wasn't something I was at all used to, and it just felt like such a strange thing to say.
"Like... 'to bed'?"
"Yes."
"Oh wow. Really?"
I shifted my weight. "Don't make it weird, please."
"No, it's not. Just... I dunno, Kase. I didn't know you wanted that."
"Turns out I really do. But only with you."
"Like as in you want me and are ok with sex? Or you actually-"
"I want you to fuck me, Xan. I can't be any clearer than that. And you know this isn't making me any less nervous."
Xander grinned just the widest, beamingest smile. He enfolded me in his arms and gave me an extremely melty kind of kiss, the way only he could.
My panties were soaked anyway. I must have seemed distant or distracted all evening, but it was only because I was psyching myself up. Thinking about what was coming. Wanting it so badly, but not being confident or comfortable in going for it.
But I was so damn excited thinking about it. All fluttery and turned on from being with Xander, and having my thoughts about him. I wasn't sure when the right time would be, but almost right away this evening had seemed perfect. It was just that kind of night. Everything lined up. Nevermind how damn romantic the sunset walk on the beach was. Cliche as all hell, sure, but anything romantic with my brother-especially in public where I knew people could see us together-was that much more intense than it would have been with anyone else.
I loved him. I loved him so hard. Feeling loved back, feeling like I was his and he was mine, and that we could have a real relationship together, it made me so weak and warm and happy, and even downright sexual.
"I wasn't sure it was ever gonna be something you really wanted," Xander whispered.
"Tell that to my panties," I teased, emboldened by his embrace, even in a public area.
Xander felt even more confident, and stuck his hand right under my dress. I squealed and smacked his shoulder, but let him get his feel in. I only gushed more while my brother rubbed my wet panties in the middle of the beach.
"It's a disaster zone down there."
"I know!"
"You're serious, aren't you?"
"I am!"
"Wow."
"What, did you think I'd never want to?"
"I mean, it was a possibility."
"Really? No way. You wouldn't have been ok with that."
"With you... yeah. I would have."
I blushed. "Nuh uh."
"You're more important than sex, Kase. Way more. Not even a contest. You know how happy I've been with you?"
"Tell me."
"... well I don't really have the words. But I'm just saying everything feels right in a way it never did with anyone else. Sex just isn't as important as you being happy."
"Xan, I still woulda done it with you. And it wouldn't have been a whole big thing."
"I-"
"But that doesn't even matter. I want it. For real."
"Unf. You don't even know how hot it is hearing that from you."
"You forget already that I can feel you poking me?"
"I get hard lots, Kase. This is bigger than that."
"A bigger-"
"Not physically. Shush." Xander kissed me again, but probably only to stop me teasing. "Kase, I'm taking you to bed, ok?"
I trembled and clutched at Xander for support. "Yes please," I said in a small voice.
"I don't wanna let go, but we do have to walk back to the car and everything."
"We better get moving then."
"Yeah. We better."
It still took us several minutes before we went anywhere. Xander didn't want to let go of me, and I didn't want him to release me. For a few moments, I was sure it was going to end up being wild, passionate, ill-considered sex right there in the sand. As deliriously excited as I was, I probably would have gone for it, despite knowing that wasn't what I wanted and almost certainly would be a bad idea.
We made it back to Xander's car, brushed our feet off, and slipped back into our shoes. I kicked mine back off again once we were sat down and fussed with getting all the little granules off. Xander just grinned and drove us home.
I could tell he was spending a dangerous amount of his attention on me when it was meant to be on the road. I couldn't even pretend to be annoyed about it. I loved it. I basked in it. I flirted right back with him the whole way, at times obviously, and at others making it seem unintentional.
Sitting so that plenty of my boobies showed down the front of my dress could be an accident, though it was very much on purpose. Fluttering my eyes at my big bro could hardly be anything other than deliberate.
I pretty much gave up on the game when I hiked my dress up and started playing with myself right there in the car.
"You're gonna make me crash," Xander said.
"So don't look."
"You're playing with your pussy right next to me."
"Only over my panties."
"Still, though."
I made full eye contact with Xander, as full as I could with him only flicking his gaze over to me intermittently, and slid my panties fully down my legs, dropping the soaked material straight into his lap. I then stretched out and rubbed my pussy with increased vigour.
"Fuck's sake, Kase."
"You love it."
"Not the point."
"Your cock's twitching over there."
"I said not the point!"
Xander was on me as soon as we got out of the car. I didn't even have a proper chance to slip my dress back into position, and it remained dangerously high on my hips, just barely covering my butt.
He kissed me aggressively, pressing me back against the car. His fingers almost immediately sneaked under my dress, and I whimpered into his mouth as he felt up my sopping little pussy.
"You're so hard," I moaned.
"You're so wet."
"I know."
"I want you so bad."
"So stop fucking around and get me to bed already."
"You were the one teasing me in the car."
"I was horny. Deal with it."
"Oh I intend to."
An electric thrill ran through me at the intensity of my brother's naughty promise. My clit throbbed, getting almost painful as Xander brushed it roughly with his thumb.
He growled and whirled away, having to forcibly separate himself from me. His hand clasped mine, tight and possessive. I was dragged along behind him giggling and trying to sort my dress out so I wasn't flashing the whole neighbourhood.
My dress lasted all of five seconds once we were in the apartment, making my efforts somewhat wasted. Xander had it up and over in quite an impressive time, really. Already in bare feet, all I had to do was shuck my bra, which seemed somehow more dignified than wearing it with no panties.
Xander was still basically fully dressed, which definitely needed to change. He didn't really give me time, though. He was already nuzzling at my boobs, giving them little kisses, and groping at my butt.
I was naked, wet, and so very willing. I kissed, nuzzled, and fondled back, while primarily giving him access to anything he wished. I fumbled at his clothes as best I could, but only really managed to open his shirt and loosen his belt. I didn't really get anything off of him. I didn't have the time or coordination for it.
"Lemme get you nakkkeeed," I whined.
"Soon."
"Now."
"Let's get to your room first, hm?"
"Not fair. I'm already naked."
"Shoulda worn more clothes I guess."
"You like when I don't wear much though."
"Mmm. That's true. You got me trained way back when. When you started wandering around the house not hardly wearing anything."
"And here I thought you didn't appreciate that."
"Oh I appreciated it. You know I did."
"Do I?"
"Yeah. Just the way you wanted."
"Not exactly. I wanted you to be more obvious about enjoying it and wanting to do stuff to me."
"Hnngg. Why do you say things like that?"
"'Cause I like it."
I hopped into Xander's arms, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck. He took my weight and carried me off to the promise of the bedroom. He stumbled a bit and bumped me against a wall or two, but those were just extra opportunities to make out and grind on each other in a very unsiblinglike display of love and wanton lust.
Lily caught us. Of course she did. We were making way too much noise, and exactly zero efforts to be subtle. Luckily I noticed her while Xander was nibbling on my ear, and he didn't have a clue. I quickly put a finger to my lips.
Lily nodded and stayed quiet, but ran her eyes up and down the two of us. She had to see that I had nothing on at all, and that Xander was really quite rumpled. Not to mention the ferocity with which he was kissing, sucking, and touching me.
Her eyebrows went up and she made direct eye contact with me. She made a circle with the fingers of one hand and poked it with a single finger from her other hand. The question being somewhat crude, but very clear.
I grinned shyly and nodded. Lily grinned right back, so much broader than my smile. She flashed me a thumbs up, took a last look at the two of us, then disappeared like a ninja.
"Bed," I urged.
"Yes ma'am."
"Don't ma'am me!"
"Or what?"
"Or... or..."
Neither of us ever found out what the consequences may have been. We reached my room, and Xander tossed me to the bed.
And it was an actual toss. I landed with a soft bounce in a tangle of covers, naked, horny, wild, and all sprawled out. I stayed put for a second as my eyes flicked back to Xander, unsure if I should chastise him for throwing me, or if I just wanted him to toss me around some more. It felt somewhat unromantic, but so very exhilarating and sexy.
It was kind of an incredible feeling, actually. Undignified, but so very affirming and hot, my pussy begging for his touch harder then ever before. My big brother tossing me into bed like a plaything, knowing how badly I wanted him and knowing he could have basically anything he wanted of me.
But he didn't follow me fast enough. I gave him a few seconds to admire my wanton, immodest state, then I leapt back out at him. I fell to my knees and attacked his pants while he was still slipping out of his shirt.
"You're s'posed to wait for me," he said.
"Why the hell would I do that?"
"Some sense of propriety?"
I snorted. "Who the hell you think you're kidding?"
"Clearly not you."
I got Xander's bottoms down and tried to go for his cock, but he was stepping out of his pants at the same time and it didn't line up very well. I got a few sucks in anyway before he picked me up and shoved me back into bed, bouncing me again.
This time he was right behind me, landing on me even before the bed had settled. I squealed happily and accepted a quick barrage of kisses, though my attention was down much lower where he was poking me.
Naked, skin to skin. Xander was hard and dripping. I was wet and puffy. We were both so ready for this. I was getting used to being properly horny around my brother. Like insanely so. But this was something else entirely. Something I didn't really know how to handle.
Every little grinding thrust sent shivers through me. Xander was leaving trails of precum on my thigh, and more and more was bumping straight against my pussy. The absolute most delicious tingles and flames danced through me as I felt certain every move would be the one.
I was a desperate little thing. Clutching and panting for my brother to fill up my pretty pleading pussy. I'd never wanted a single damn thing in my life more than I wanted it just then. It was a trippy feeling for me, but one that made perfect sense in the moment. Xander was just who I wanted, and I'd been fooling myself all those years thinking that maybe someone else could substitute for him.
I launched a cry of protest as Xander slipped away, kissing his way down my body.
"Where the hell you going?"
"Gonna eat your pussy."
"Nuh uh!"
"Um... yeah."
"You're s'posed to fuck me! Goddammit, fuck me, Xan. That's the whole point."
"It's called foreplay. Jeez."
"Yeah. The whole fucking night's been foreplay. Have you somehow not clued in how wet I am? I'd drown you if you tried eating me right now."
"Unf. Well you know that makes me need to try."
Despite my protests, my eyes rolled back in pure, helpless pleasure as Xander latched his mouth onto my pussy, sucking and licking on it like the horny big brother he was. Admittedly, if not for my overwhelming need to get his cock in me, it was the kind of night where I could have wantonly let him lick me out for hours, cumming over and over until I was worn right out.
As it was, I just couldn't properly muster the proper tone to stop him. I needed something entirely different from Xander, but his mouth was so good. I was so damn wet, and he lapped up my juices with a lust and dedication that surpassed his usual attentions.
"You taste so good tonight."
I wiggled, then pressed his face back into me. "You always say that."
"Cuz iss twu."
Xander pushed my legs farther apart. I let him spread me. Let him have as much of me as he wanted. I was so damn into it. Nothing else in the world could have distracted me from wanting brotherly sex, but brotherly pussy eating was a closer second than I'd realized, and I was going to get both anyway. I could be patient. Sort of. At least for another minute or two.
"Lick my clit."
"You haven't drowned me yet."
"Greedy brother! Lick my clit!"
"But-"
I wrapped my legs around his head, muffling him between my thighs. So what if he wanted to drink my arousal all night? I wanted a cum, and I wanted him in me.
"You're being obstinate. You could be fucking me already, you know."
Xander's reply was inaudible. At least I seemed to have made my point, and his tongue-work focused much more heavily on my clit.
He knew what I liked and he was pretty good at giving it to me. Once he put his mind to it, he had my eyes rolling back, my toes curling, my fingers tangled in his hair, and my voice only a soft whimper.
My oral orgasm took the edge off. It drained some of my nerves and anxiousness and let it all out alongside tingly waves of pleasure running through me, bolting to or from my clit, the epicentre of it all. Xander still flicked his tongue over me until I finally had to nudge him away.
Maybe he knew what he was doing. Maybe he wanted me calmer and more ready for our first time together.
Judging by his messy grin, though, I suspected that he just really wanted to eat me. And if it meant getting to tease me some in the process, so much the better.
"You're just lucky I really like that," I murmured.
"Some girls would be thrilled to get licked out before sex."
"Uh huh. You know I'll just expect it every time now."
"Don't threaten me with a good time!"
I snorted. "You're such a dork."
"Rude!"
I ran my fingers softly up Xander's cheek. "Xan, would you please fuck your sister already?"
"Unf. No fair saying it like that."
"You're starting to make me feel like you're stalling."
Xander hesitated, and I felt a tight clench of panic inside as I feared maybe he actually was stalling.
"Maybe a little," he admitted. "It's... I don't know. It's a lot of pressure."
"No it's not."
"It is. I love you so damn much. And I know sex has never really been your favourite."
"That was 'cause it wasn't you."
"Mmhm. And if that's really true, then it's still a lot of pressure, but in a different way. What if I can't live up to being your one true love?"
I punched his shoulder lightly. "Idiot!"
"Hey!"
"Worst case is the sex is mediocre and you have to eat me out some more to make up for it."
"I wouldn't feel great about that."
"Jesus, Xan. If we have bad sex, even if we never have sex, it's not gonna change how I feel. You're who I want to be with. Always have been. That's why I want you right now. You're the only one who makes sex really make sense to me. I get it. And... and I really want to try it. It's not about pressuring you. You don't even have to be good. I don't care. I just want you."
Xander's eyes glistened slightly, and he rubbed at one of them with the back of his hand. He looked halfway to crying as he crawled back up to me. That or laughing. Maybe some manic combination of the two.
"You're the idiot," he whispered. "You make it sound so simple. And so good. I'm in love with my baby sister. What's simple about that?"
"Nothing. Everything. I don't know."
I kissed him. It was tender, not full of the lust I would have expected even a moment or two ago. It was something different. Something loving. Something we needed now.
"You're so much better at this stuff than me," he said between kisses. "Emotions and shit."
"I'm really not. It's taken me a long-ass time to figure stuff out. I was in love with you way before I should have been. It's made things hard."
Xander shook his head. "I've loved you just as long. You recognized it in yourself, is all. I tried to find what I needed with other girls. It was never gonna be as good as with you. I wish I'd realized."
"We both needed to learn stuff. It's just what is." I grinned shyly. "You really think you loved me that long ago?"
"Looking back... I can't see how I didn't. I didn't know what it was then. You were my sister. It... it made it hard to see some stuff."
"Even when I had that whole incest fetish thing going?"
"Especially then. I think it just made me shy away from ever really thinking about you. It woulda just seemed all porny and stuff."
"Oof. Cock blocked myself."
Xander laughed softly. "Not exactly. I was slow. Apparently I just am about these things. Things that I think are gonna be really good... they turn out not to be." He met my eyes. "I don't want to do that with you. I don't want to do it wrong."
"I told you. You can't. I just want you. I don't care about the details."
"Even if I said I wasn't ready right now?"
I nodded. "Even then. You'd be wasting a good pussy-flood though."
Xander smiled in a small but genuine way. "Well shit. Can't have that."
"Really though."
His cock had been pressed against me the whole time, unmoving but so hard and warm, dripping and throbbing sporadically. A few times while we talked I felt him twitch. I took it as desire for me. All of it, really. It helped keep me revved up and ready for him.
Not that it compared at all to the way he looked at me when he was finally ready. It hadn't even occurred to me that he'd hesitate like that. That wasn't how I thought of boys reacting to the prospect of sex. It was kind of sweet, though, and I loved him for it.
But that expression on his face when he'd made up his mind that he was definitely going to fuck me, complete with all due love and tenderness he felt for me, that was the kind of thing that drove me wilder than his physical arousal for me ever could.
I gasped aloud as he moved. He was already so close to my pussy, and a gentle movement of his hips ran his shaft over me, so damn near to doing what I needed him to do.
He was more careful the second time, lining up better. He parted my lips and stretched my horny little pussy out, penetrating me, bringing us physically together like never before.
"You're in me," I whispered.
"Mmhm."
"You're in me!"
"I know."
"Mmm, fuck, Xan." I dug my fingers into him, just a little, just to feel him and know that he wasn't going anywhere. "Can you go deeper?"
"Of course." He kissed me even as he sank further into my hot little pussy. "I'm going to give you everything."
"You better."
"I will." He stroked my hair, pushing it back from my face. "I want you to have everything. Not just this. Not just sex. I don't know. I love you, Kase. Fuck I love you so much. Why do you do this to me?"
"If I could answer that, my life would have been a lot less confusing."
"Ha, yeah."
I widened my legs as Xander got deeper, nearer to bottoming out. I wanted to have him just as completely as possible. To have us joined fully in our sibling love. I wanted everything.
A bubble of emotions welled within me. It was really happening. Sex. Sex that I wanted. That I needed in a way I couldn't properly articulate. Sex with my beloved brother. It felt right already. We'd barely even started, in a sense, and still I felt a perfect clarity that this was, in fact, how it was meant to be. Xander was who I needed to be with.
"You fill me so good," I whispered.
"You like it?"
"Mmhm."
"So you don't want me to stop?"
"Don't you dare!"
"Don't worry. I don't dare."
Xander started moving in me. Mostly in and out. A little bit of wiggling too, like he wanted to make sure he was getting just as deep in me as possible.
My pussy was all filled up with him. Getting fucked by him. By my brother. By Xander.
My Xan.
It was so good. Exquisite. Just the best thing a girl could ever dream of.
Xander was in me, on top of me, kissing me, whispering to me. Our bodies lay together, me pinned beneath him, feeling everything. I was his. He was mine.
He thrust harder in me, gaining confidence, letting lust take more control. My pussy accepted him so nicely. Molded itself to him. Clenched around him. We squelched together rather lewdly, the sounds of sex very prominent despite him still being relatively slow and gentle.
And all the while I felt something growing in me. That complicated ball of emotion. All the things I felt. All good, but not at all simple.
There was no time to process everything. Not while Xander kept fucking me, getting into a good rhythm, losing any last restraint and just doing what he wanted. What we both desired beyond anything else for this special night.
I got overwhelmed. There was too much for me to handle. All in the best possible way, but still.
I clung harder to my brother, feeling him so deep inside me. I buried my face in him, inhaling him, muffling myself against his hot skin. I hid away, trying to take comfort and repress something, anything, just enough so that I could focus. I couldn't do it. There was so much. Way too much.
Xander was grunting, his rhythm losing cohesion. The sounds were so beautiful and sexy to me. He was going to cum. Oh god he was going to cum. All inside me. My amazing brother. My love.
I was crying. I didn't know when that had started. My cheeks were wet. Xander's shoulder took on a salty taste. I was absolutely losing it.
And he was cumming in me. I could feel it. The spasms, the gasps and pants, the small shudders, and the hot splash of cum inside me, snugly in my pussy.
I was a mess in so many ways. But I just felt wonderful. Too good to hold it in.
"Aw, Kase, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," I croaked. "Not a damn thing in the whole world."
"You're crying."
"I know."
"What'd I do?"
I held his cheek so tenderly, gazing at him as best I could through misty eyes. "You were perfect," I whispered.
"... is this one of those things I don't get?"
"Oh, Xan."
"What?"
"Nothing." I smiled through my happy tears. "Just kiss me, would you?"
His lips locked with mine for a long, loving kiss. He nuzzled at my cheeks, wiping my tears away with his face. He kissed me in some of the wettest places.
He still didn't get it. I could tell. But he kind of did, and that was enough. I just needed to be held, to be cared for, to be loved the way only my brother could ever do for me.
Xander was still inside me. He was softer, and it was all messy with cum, but he was there. Our bodies were sweaty together in a way that might have been gross under other circumstances. Right now, I wanted everything. Every part of him. As much care and adoration and comfort as could physically be provided.
"I love you so goddamn much," I breathed.
"So... good tears then?"
"Yeah, Xan. Good tears."
"Oh. Ok. Good."
We lay on our sides together, his arms wrapped around me. He held and caressed me a while longer. I couldn't get enough. I was definitely being kind of needy, but it wasn't unjustified. It was our first time together, and it was pretty huge for me. Important in ways sex had never, ever come close to before. I craved that sweet aftercare, and boy did Xander deliver on it.
"So we're gonna do this more, right?" Xander asked.
"Of course."
"Nice."
I chuckled softly. "Not right now, though."
"No. I sensed that."
"Other times. Lots of other times."
"Lots?"
"Hope so, yeah."
"So you really liked it then?"
"How many times are you gonna make me say yes?"
Xander grinned. "I just really like being the guy who finally did it for you. The special one."
"Idiot. You always were."
"Now there's proof."
"Is there?"
"Yeah. I've never been so good that a girl cried from pure joy before. That's gotta be proof, right?"
"Ok, whoa, first of all it's a lot more complicated than that. It's all, like, emotions and shit."
"Sure."
"Second... oh whatever. Just cuddle me some more."
"I'm cuddling as hard as I possibly can."
"And you're doing a great job. Now shush and enjoy the moment."
"I'm enjoying the hell out of it already."
"Bet you are."
"Kase?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you so goddamn much too."
Another shiver and a little tug on my heart, as if I needed more of that. I still grinned widely and nuzzled my big brother, as happy as could be. "Yeah you do."
****
"So you did it?"
I hid my face behind my mug of coffee. It wasn't nearly enough to keep Lily from seeing the wide, foolish grin on my face.
"Yep."
"How was it? I wanna say good just by looking at you."
"Dude. So good." I had to set my coffee down for safety's sake. I couldn't trust my hands to stay calm and collected. "I get it now."
"Sex?"
"Yeah."
"That's awesome then." Lily grinned back at me. "You've graduated to a brand new level."
"Have I?"
"Mmhm. That first time sex is actually good... unf. It's just a whole new world after."
"Yeah, I don't know that it wasn't good with Brendan. It's more like-"
"Did you ever get all stupidly grinny after? Did you ever look forward to it? Did you ever feel like you do now?"
"... no."
"So it wasn't good."
"But that's just 'cause I'm weird."
"Kase, here's the thing. Good sex isn't about the mechanics of it. It's about how everyone feels about it. It could be mechanically terrible, but if you can't stop thinking about doing it again, it was probably actually good."
"How'd you know what I'm thinking?"
"Your dreamy eyes. The way you keep watching to see if Xan's up yet. That smile that won't quit."
"Fine. Ok." I squirmed in my seat. "I wanna do it again so bad," I said in a lower tone.
"Excellent. That's my girl. Fuck your brother's brains out. In fact, go wake him up with sex."
"You think?"
"Do you want to?"
My smile was so wide it kind of hurt. "Yeah. Yeah I really do."
I set my coffee down and pattered off back to my room. I felt Lily's eyes on me, offering delighted support, and maybe taking in some amusement of her own. She was such a bad influence on me, but it was just what I needed at times. A bad influence in the best possible way.
****
Chapter Twelve: Kasey at Twenty-Eight
****
Xander moved in with Lily and me. It just got to a point where it was silly not to be living together. When he was over six nights of the week anyway, give or take, it was only playing pretend that we weren't a full-time kind of thing.
It was better for our respective budgets anyway. The apartment was really meant for three, and while Lily and I could swing it with just the two of us, it was a financial relief to have Xander paying his share.
The practicalities were kind of irrelevant to me most of the time. I was too busy being deliriously happy. Waking up with Xander, going to sleep with him, going out, making out, generally being romantic and/or sexy.
Life made sense. Possibly for the very first time ever.
The only unfortunate part was that I couldn't tell anyone. No one except Lily. Not our parents or friends or anyone else. It was a weird and kind of trippy feeling at time to be so very thrilled with my relationship, and yet not able to tell anyone why. Mom was probably the trickiest.
"You know your brother won't tell me who you're seeing either?"
A small knot of tension grew in me while I perused racks of blouses. Mom was looking for some new clothes, and I was there to help her. Though I mostly kept finding stuff for me more so than anything for her. Maybe it was because I kept imagining what Xander would enjoy seeing me in.
"I'm not seeing anyone," I said, sticking to my line. "And even if I was, there's no reason Xan would know."
"You're living together now. How would he not know?"
"You think I'm gonna bring guys home while my brother's there?"
"I think they'd at least bump into each other."
"Maybe. Doesn't matter. There isn't anyone."
"Of course there is. Do you know how many years I've known you for?"
"I'ma go out on a limb here and say roughly twenty-eight."
"That's right. I have never in my life seen you this happy."
"I'll tone it down some."
"I don't want you to do that. I just want to know what's going on with you."
"Nothing."
Mom sighed and held a shirt up in front of herself. I gave it a once over, then shook my head.
"It's not nothing. That much I'm sure of."
"Ok."
"Which means it's someone you don't feel comfortable telling me about. You can tell me. Whoever it is. I love you. I'm glad you're happy."
"What if I was with some super old guy? Like ninety? And just gold digging like crazy?"
"You're not. We're right back to you being happy, remember? This isn't some scheme. You're actually just doing well."
"What if it was a dictator in some country who's very into violently repressing the-"
"Kasey, sweetie, why the hypotheticals?"
"'Cause there's no-"
"No one. Right." Mom sighed. "If you weren't so happy, I'd be worried, you know? You've never been nearly so stubborn about keeping a secret."
"I'm fine."
"Ok. Let me just ask you this. Is it Lily?"
"Mom!"
"I'm only asking. You know I wouldn't mind. Neither would your father. If it's something like that-"
"I'm not into her that way, Mom. Jeez."
"It's ok if you are. That's all I'm saying. I know you've been best friends for a while now. Sometimes... sometimes you find someone you didn't expect. And that's ok."
"It's not Lily."
"Aha, so it is someone!"
I rolled my eyes. "Gee, thanks for tricking me under the guise of being progressive."
"I can do both."
"Number one mom. That's you."
"I love you, Kasey. Whoever it is, I love you. I won't push anymore today."
"Thanks."
"But if you wanted to share..."
"No. I'm good. Love you too. But seriously, enough."
"Ok. What about this top, you think?"
I shrugged. "Maybe. Try it on."
"Ooh, we got a maybe. Better than we've been doing."
"Don't worry. We'll get there."
****
"I think we should tell Mom and Dad."
Xander frowned. "Hard disagree."
"I'm serious."
"So am I."
"They have to find out sooner or later."
"Why? Why would they ever need to know?"
"They're our parents."
"Yeah. That's a big reason why we should never ever tell them."
"There's a chance they'll figure it out anyway. Mom got close. She thought it might be me and Lily."
"Ha, really?"
"Mmhm."
"That's kinda funny."
"Why?"
"I mean... I don't know. It's not really. I've thought it before. And I could totally see it."
"Could you?"
"Yeah. After me, she's the person you'd be most likely to be with."
"I don't know that that's true. But yeah. There's definitely a world where that happened. I almost sad-made-out with her once."
"Sad-made-out, huh?"
"Yep. Lucky she was being smarter that day than I was."
"Good thing. Wouldn't want to have to compete for your affections."
"A little competition never hurt."
"Disagree. I like you all to myself."
"Bet you do. 'Specially when we can be nakey."
"Mmhm. Those times are my favourites."
"And when we can do stuff."
"Even better."
"Speaking of which, how do you feel about fingering me some?"
"I feel really good about it."
I spread my legs. "Glad to hear it."
****
Lily started getting pretty serious with this girl Hazel. I was happy for her. She hadn't had a tremendous amount of luck with relationships since I'd known her. She'd had some fun, but I'd seen the frustration in her too sometimes.
"Things still going good?"
Lily nodded, giving me that shy but helplessly wide smile that I recognized from my early days of being with Xander.
"Pretty good."
"Nice."
"Yeah. We're going out tonight. I think... I think we're gonna have a sleepover."
"Ooh, there ya go. Excited?"
"So excited. It's been a while. And I think I really like Hazel."
"Me too. She seems to make you happy. That's the main thing. And she's a cutie."
"Damn right she is." Lily sighed wistfully. "It's almost unfair how good she looks sometimes."
I giggled. "Probably 'cause you're so into her."
"What would you know? You don't even like girls."
"Sure. But I don't like many boys either. I know Xan isn't objectively as good looking as I think he is."
"He's pretty alright."
"Mmhm. But he's, like, perfect to me. All he has to do is look at me the right way and I'm ready to melt into his arms."
"Ok, you're right. He's not that good looking. You're just in love."
"Mmhm. And maybe you are too."
"M'not. Too early for the L word."
"Never know."
"I do. Too early."
"Well... maybe after the sleepover."
"Yeah. Maybe."
I helped Lily get ready. She was more neurotic about picking just the right outfit than I'd ever seen her. Another sign there was something special going on with Hazel.
I wasn't really helpful for much other than moral support, in a sense. I could help Lily reject clothing choices, but even when I thought she looked amazing, she still stripped off again and tried something else.
Lily spent a lot of time in her underwear in between options. At times her outfit might call for no bra, and she also switched up her bra and panties a few times too. That sort of thing didn't really even register to me most of the time. Lily and I were pretty comfortable with each other. Somehow, though, I started feeling just a little horny after a while.
It wasn't about Lily, I thought. Not really. Seeing her in any of various states of nudity or masturbation had never done anything for me. But maybe it was something about how excited and nervous she was. Something that reminded me of myself thinking about Xander. In that context, maybe the casual nudity and constant clothes switching was getting me in mind of something different. And maybe, too, my head would flick to images of me posing for my brother in sexy or skimpy outfits.
"You sure this is the one?" Lily finally asked at the end of a long fashion show.
"Pretty sure."
"Maybe I should-"
"Lil, you either go with that one, or you go naked. You're gonna be late if you run through another round."
Lily blushed. "You know, that'd probably work, too."
"Showing up nakey? Yep. It's a strong move. Assuming you don't get arrested before you can sneak off for fun times."
"True. Plus I'm not nearly brave enough to go in public like that. Even if it would be crazy hot."
"But seriously. You look good."
"Yeah?"
"Don't fuss with your top. That's the perfect amount of cleavage just the way it is."
"I can't help fussing. I'm a little anxious here."
"Mmhm. I kinda got that hint from the... four hours we spent on dress up just now."
"It was barely an hour, you ass."
"Still though."
"It really looks ok?"
"You look amazing, Lil."
"Thanks."
"Go get her."
Once I finally got Lily out the door, I had some time to myself before Xander got back. It occurred to me that if Lily was going to be gone all night that Xander and I were going to have some quality time to ourselves in the apartment. That was a fun opportunity.
I made use of the time I had to myself. I showered, getting all squeaky clean and ready for my brother.
After contemplating on the issue of what to wear, and giving strong consideration to wearing nothing at all, I opted for something very similar to back in the old days of trying to get reactions and attention from my brother. A tight cami that left some midriff bared, and a small, cute, but not slutty pair of panties. I wanted to strike a balance between adorable and sexy, plus anything too bold and revealing wouldn't have been something I'd have ever worn before getting together with Xander.
I put my hair up the way Xander loved, with the braid and everything, wondering not for the first time what exactly he liked about the style, and my look just generally. The cuteness? The sexiness? The familiarity? The promise of the things we could do together? Something else entirely?
After applying just a light dash of makeup, I puttered around in my skimpy outfit, burning off some nervous energy. I made us some food, since I had the time and it saved worrying about it later. I was just waiting for things to cook and getting some cleaning up done when Xander returned.
I kept scrubbing dishes, pretending like I didn't even notice. It felt like forever before he finally came to find me. Long enough that I almost gave up and went off to pounce on him instead.
It was worth it, though. I felt his presence in the doorway, pausing and just looking for a moment. I'd been rubbing the same plate over and over with a cloth, not really pretending all that well that I didn't know he was there.
I shakily put the plate down to dry as Xander's soft footsteps crept up on me. I hoped he was horny. I certainly was. This whole time I'd been waiting for him, my panties had been getting less and less clean. Almost to the point I should possibly have changed them. But then again, maybe evidence of my excitement was part of the fun.
"Hey, you," Xander said, slipping his arms around me from behind.
"Hi."
I tried to remain casual, but I couldn't. I'd got myself too excited waiting for him, and I wanted stuff all at once. His hug from behind was nice. His hand sneaking up my top was good too. I didn't feel an erection yet as I subtly pressed my butt back against him, but it was coming.
"Why do you remind me of teenage you?"
"That... might be the effect I was going for."
"Thought it might be. Lily help you with it?"
"Nah. She was too busy getting all crazy over her date tonight. She's sleeping over, apparently."
"Ooh. Good for her. Apartment's ours?"
"Yep."
"Mmm. Nice."
Xander kissed the side of my cheek, nuzzling me briefly before pulling back. He kissed my neck too, where my hair had been pulled out of the way. His hand kept sneaking upward, just brushing the bottoms of my breasts under my shirt.
"Why couldn't you have reacted like this back then?" I complained.
"We weren't together then."
"We could have been."
"Don't remind me. I still regret not going for it sometimes. Even though I know it would have been terrible. We weren't ready. And living with our parents? Forget it."
"Mmm, yeah. I still like dreaming though. Being so into each other that we'd risk it. I don't know how we'd ever get enough sleep, always sneaking into each other's rooms at night."
"Probably we wouldn't." Xander chuckled softly. "I feel like it wouldn't take us long to get caught. In the morning probably. You all naked in my arms, both of us passed out all happy and snug."
"Unf. You think that's how it'd be?"
"I do."
Xander fully cupped my tits, caressing them like his own personal playthings. Which they kind of were.
"I think Mom would notice something," I said, leaning back against Xander for both support and physical contact. His cock was stirring for sure, and wiggling my bum on him was definitely helping. "I think she might have put it together without even necessarily catching us."
"Maybe. You were trying to seduce me all the time and they never figured that out."
"Not all the time. Just sometimes. And other times I just wanted your attention."
"You had it more than you realize."
"Well it's no good to me if I didn't realize, is it?"
"You know how many times I had to hide that I'd popped a boner from my baby sis walking around all hot and cute like that?"
I shivered. "I never knew that."
"Never?"
"You never told me. And I don't think I ever caught you either."
"I got pretty good at hiding that kind of thing. You have to as a teenager."
Xander grinded on me, getting ever harder as he rubbed on my ass. He still fondled my tits while his other hand caressed my tummy, dipping lower and lower toward dangerous territory.
"You've got me now," I said faintly. "All to yourself. Don't have to worry about anyone else seeing anything."
"Unf. I do like it. You know what I want to do with you?"
My heart pounded. With his hand aggressively on my chest, he had to feel it thumping. "Tell me," I whispered.
"Oh wow, you're so wet."
"I know. What do you want to do to me?"
"I wanna get you naked."
"Well that's pretty easy. I'm wearing hardly nothing already."
"Are you imagining this is... you know... back then?"
I closed my eyes and clung to Xander's arm. "I am now," I whispered.
"Not this whole time?"
"Maybe a little."
"That you're, what, nineteen again? Parading around for me."
"Wouldn't call it parading."
"Sure you wouldn't. But, like, what if it had worked, hm? What if I just started feeling you up? Kissing you?"
Xander kissed my neck again, and my shoulder, and my cheek. I trembled and fought for control. It wasn't like he affected me any less now than he had way back when, but there certainly was a difference in imagining it. And I'd encouraged it right from the start with my nostalgic outfit.
What would I have even done back then? I hadn't known myself the way I did now. I didn't know what I was doing. I would have gone with it though, right? Of course I would have. I would have been deliriously happy if Xander had started feeling me up and kissing me and stuff. Just like he was doing now.
"What would you have done with me?" I whispered.
"Pretty much the same things I'm gonna do now. Only I woulda been less good at them."
"Lucky me, then."
Xander pushed my wet panties down my thighs. I let them fall, then carefully stepped out of them and kicked them aside.
I was bottomless, horny, and still getting felt up like crazy. Xander moved on to rubbing my soaked little pussy directly, no panties to interfere.
My top went soon after, also getting tossed aside, and leaving me totally naked for my brother's pleasure and amusement. God I loved it. I wanted him naked too, of course, but there was something so naughty about being nakey for him while he was still clothed. About the idea of him coming home and casually stripping me while he was still dressed. It wasn't even an idea, really, it was what had actually happened.
It had definitely been the right call letting Xander take my few clothes off instead of waiting for him already naked. I savoured the feeling of being unwrapped, of being a present for his roaming hands.
I moaned as Xander kept fingering me. I really was his horny little plaything. His slutty little sister that he could do whatever he wanted with. It still awed me at times the sorts of things he could make me feel. In large part because I'd never felt any of those things before him. He'd made sex fun for me in a big, big way.
Only Xander could strip me naked in the kitchen and effortlessly turn me to putty in his hands. Only he could casually finger me to orgasm like that, keeping me a gooey, horny mess the whole time. Only my brother. God I loved him so fucking much.
"You gonna cum?" he whispered in my ear.
I nodded shakily. "Yep."
"Cum for your brother?"
"Unf. Hey, no fair."
Xander laughed softly. "I like reminding you sometimes."
"Uh huh." I pressed my butt firmly against Xander's raging erection, again wishing there were no pants between us. "I think you just like reminding yourself that you're doing bad, bad things to your li'l sis."
"That too." Xander kissed me and nibbled at my ear. "You know I'd love you the same even without that kink. Even if you weren't my sister."
"Just what every girl wants to hear."
"But it does make it hotter."
I snickered, but it was definitely true. It wasn't like I didn't know how hot incest stuff could be. It was basically the one fetish that had worked for me over the years, though even it was inconsistent. Combining it with being so deeply, helplessly in love was a good match.
Xander made me cum on his fingers right there in the kitchen. His naughty li'l sis letting her brother get her off at his whim.
I writhed around in Xander's arms, partly for legit cumming reasons, and partly to rub my ass over him even more. It would be kind of amazing to make him cum in his pants while I was getting off on his fingers.
"That a girl," Xander said adoringly.
He gave me another kiss, then gently bent me over the counter. I rested there panting softly, sneaking little peeks back at him. His clothes were coming off. Good.
"You gonna fuck me right here?"
"Certainly thinking about it."
"That's kinda bad. Almost like you just can't help yourself."
"Yeah. Almost like that."
Xander grinned. His pants came down, and his hard cock bounced into my over-the-shoulder eyeline. Another gush of arousal flooded my pussy. I was gonna get pounded good. I could sense it.
"Bad brother."
"Ha. Says the girl waiting for me in basically nothing, already soaked."
I wriggled and tried to protest, but there was nothing to be said. That's exactly what I'd done. Waited for him just the way I knew would get me his undivided attention. And I got it.
Our clothes were strewn about with no concern at all. Xander's part of the pile was bigger than mine, since I'd started with so very little on. I loved each and every sound of material hitting the floor, as it meant he was closer to being just as nakey as I was, and so very hard and ready to fill me up.
I got so damn wiggly the closer he got to full nudity. It was like Xander hadn't made me cum only moments before. I was so horny and desperate and ready for him.
My eyes rolled back as Xander teased me with his cock, rubbing it over my pussy, and up across my butt. Some of my arousal got smeared over my asshole, which got me thinking even dirtier thoughts.
"God why do you feel so good?" I breathed.
"'Cause you looovvve me."
"Oh yeah. That."
Xander smacked my butt. I yelped and wiggled, even though it didn't hurt. I played it up just to see if I could make him do it again.
A few more spanks came my way before Xander got settled and slowly slipped inside me. It felt so damn magical getting filled up like that. That nice gentle stretch that transitioned into a decadent rhythm of fucking me over the counter. At that point his hands spent most of their time holding onto my hips and keeping me lined up for his cock.
"You know, I half expected you to go for my bum this time," I murmured.
I felt an extra little twitch inside me.
"Oh really?"
"Yeah. The way you were rubbing it like that."
"... and what would you have done?"
"What do you mean?"
"If I'd tried it. What would you have done?"
"What makes you think I'd do anything at all?"
"You'd just let me?"
"I think you'll find I'd let you do most anything. You know, if you get me in the right mood."
Xander fucked me harder, not quite pounding my pussy, but getting close.
"You got yourself there tonight. You were ready for it before I ever got home."
"... maybe."
"Did you want me to do your butt?"
I considered. Did I?
"It could be neat to try."
"That's not really an answer."
I looked back at Xander, giving him my sluttiest little sister eyes. Only halfway on purpose. They just kind of happened.
"I think I told you once that I'd do stuff like that with you," I said.
"I might vaguely recall that."
"And I recall that it was something you wanted."
"You... maybe recall right. You know, I got so used to anal not ever even being on the table, I didn't even think to ask if you were ever serious about it. You know, now that sex between us is a whole thing."
I shrugged, feeling tingles inside me that were only somewhat related to the brother-fucking I was getting. They had more to do with what I might be getting very soon.
"You wanna fuck your sister up the bum?"
"Right now?"
"If you want. I'm in the mood for it. I'm having a horny evening."
Xander smacked my butt, a harder slap than before. I hissed in pleasure.
"You sure are."
He pounded me harder, holding my hips and really giving it to me. I was somewhat disappointed that after all that he wasn't even going to go for it, but it still felt really nice.
Goddamn it was good, actually. Something about threatening to be an even dirtier sister for my brother, maybe that was what it was. Or maybe it was the energy he put in. Xander was pretty enthusiastic about fucking me anyway, but I'd got him all turned on like crazy this time.
"Gonna cum in me?" I asked, as if I didn't know.
"Maybe."
"Gonna make my li'l pussy all messy?"
"Unf."
"Bad brother."
"Naughty sister. That's the problem."
I got a few more butt smacks. At the very least, he definitely had my ass on his mind. It didn't hurt that he could stare straight down at it while we fucked. There was no way he could just forget about it in the moment.
"Cummm, Xan. I want that mess in me."
"Hngg. Of course you do."
"I dooo."
He grunted again, tightened his grip on my hips, then a moment later exploded in me. I grinned stupidly and cooed as I was cummed in and made just as messy as I'd asked for. Practically begged for. Why? I didn't even know. I just loved it. Loved what I could make Xander feel for me.
Xander pulled out slowly, panting just loud enough that I could hear it. I started to stand up, to go for the cuddles that were certainly my due after sexy times, and after taking my brother's load for him like a good sister. He held me down though, denying me.
"Stay," was all he said.
I tingled. I stayed.
Xander pattered off and just left me there. I stayed.
Goddamn, what was he even up to?
I had images in my head of him coming back with a phone or camera or something. Taking a picture of me one way or another. His formerly sex-indifferent sister turned into... well, whatever I was now. Whatever I was with him.
A slutty, messy thing at times. No question there. Plus I was still horny. I'd cummed, sure, but then after fucking and getting messed like that, I could certainly go for another orgasm.
I'd probably let him document, if he wanted. I could trust him with photos. For sure I could. And I was horny enough that I was weirdly kind of thrilled at the thought, in a paradoxically shy kind of way.
Xander didn't come back with a camera or anything. He came back with lube.
"Good girl," he said, seeing me still bent over wantonly the way he'd left me.
My eyes widened as I put some things together.
"You are gonna do it!"
"You said I could."
"I did. Then you just came in my pussy."
"Well yeah. I was already invested. And, you know, it's probably better if I'm not just thinking about wanting to get off right away."
I wiggled excitedly, unable to hold still. I stayed bent over, laying half across the counter, but I felt the need to move. I was in such a vulnerable position. Which, sure, was kind of a prerequisite for anal. But it wasn't something I'd done with anyone before. Eager as I was, I wasn't totally self-assured of what I was doing by any means.
Xander laid a hand on my butt and spread my ass. He rubbed his thumb over my bumhole. I shivered and tried to stay still, but failed miserably. It just wasn't possible.
"We don't have to though," Xander said in that kind of tone that suggested he'd respect a no, but would be terribly disappointed.
"Are you kidding? I don't go back on promises like that."
"I don't know that you promised."
"I think maybe I did back when I was still trying to seduce you."
"That does sound like something you'd do."
Xander leaned over me, nuzzling and kissing my cheek. The length of his body pressed against me, in an awkwardly bent over kind of way. He was already hard again. I could feel him throbbing.
"You know I'm yours," I said in a small voice.
"I'd gotten that impression, yes."
"Good."
Xander knelt behind me. He spread my ass again, and this time buried his face in it. He went after my butthole aggressively, kissing, sucking, and licking.
"Unf. Careful, I might like that."
Xander just dug his fingers into my butt cheeks, spread me wider, and ate me out all the more fervently.
This was happening. It was really happening.
It wasn't the first time I'd marveled at some new thing with my brother being actually real. It seemed like each new step was something amazing for me. Something I was experiencing from a brand new perspective, or something I'd never done at all.
I'd played with my ass before, but no one else ever had. This was just for Xander and me. I kind of loved that it was. That it was something I could give just to him. He made everything better anyway, but it was so great him being my first in this case. To go right to the best. And, of course, to share something special between us.
Anal as something special and beautiful? Did that make sense? Maybe. That wasn't usually how it was portrayed. More of a dirty slutty thing. But why shouldn't it be beautiful? No reason I could think of.
"Xan?"
"Hm?"
"No one's eaten my ass before."
Xander slowed down. "Oh?"
"You're the first."
He gave me a kiss right on the butthole. "Good. I like that."
"Me too." I squirmed, feeling his warm breath on my sensitive, spit-covered skin. "Is it weird that I think this might be a beautiful thing?"
"Not at all."
"Really?"
"Kase... you're giving me something here that no other girl had any interest in. And I know it's got nothing to do with you enjoying it."
"I might enjoy it. It's felt ago playing with my butt before."
"Sure. But it's got nothing to do with that. It's like when you offered back when I was with Beth. Or... kind of offered. Teased me about it, maybe. You'd do something like that without even thinking about it."
"'Cause I love you, you mean?"
"Yeah. Kinda. Just... stuff with you means so much more. I don't know how to explain it."
I felt all warm inside. "I'd give you anything you want."
"Exactly."
"You sure you're not just excited 'cause it's butt stuff though?"
"Some of that too."
"Ah."
Xander licked my asshole some more. "But it's so much better with you that it ever would have been with anyone else. Just... just for so many reasons."
I was blushing. I knew I was. "Enough sweet talk. I can't give you my ass any more than I'm already gonna."
"I mean it."
"I know. I'm gettin' embarrassed now is all."
"Heh, sure you are."
"I am!"
"You're getting horny, more like."
"..."
"Don't think I haven't noticed how bad you're dripping."
"Well you won't stop licking me back there! And saying nice things and stuff! And... and being my brother."
Another kiss on my butthole, then Xander finally stood up. I shivered as cold lube drizzled down over my warm and spitty little hole.
"That's true," he said dreamily. "I will always be your brother."
I hissed and arched my back, reveling in the juxtaposition between the sweetness of Xander's words and the way he was fingering my bum.
My hissing grew sharper and more intense as he pressed his cock to me. The cock that had made a cummy mess of my pussy so shortly ago, and might soon do the same to my ass. But first it had to get inside me.
I could take it, right? I had some experience with this. I knew my way around my butt.
But I wasn't doing it. And I'd never had someone else trying to get inside me that way. And... and...
"Fuuuccck," I moaned.
Xander had done it. Just popped right in. I was still kind of tight, and stung just a little, but he'd licked me nicely and worked me some with his finger, and it was mostly just kind of stretched and snug.
"I'm in your ass," Xander said.
"You arrre."
"It's pretty great so far."
"Go deeper. It gets better."
"You think?"
"Guaranteed or your money back."
Xander chuckled softly, but both of us were too focused to put much effort into joking around. I waited eagerly for more, and he delivered, sliding further into me. His cock opened me up like I was the perfect little butt slut sister for him. And maybe that was exactly what I was, at least in the moment.
"You're right," he said softly. "It is better."
"Told ya."
"And you're taking it all surprisingly easy."
"How hard's it s'posed to be?"
"I don't know. The way girls act about it sometimes-"
"They wouldn't know. Buncha prudes."
Xander snorted. "You know, you of all-"
"I know what I said. I stand by it. If anything, me being me makes it worse when other people are more prudish than I am."
"I mean... you're not wrong. Kinda."
Xander got fully, deeply inside me. Balls deep. In my ass. My technically virgin little asshole. Fuck I loved it.
"Fuck me. Harder."
"Harder?"
"Yeah."
"Won't that hurt?"
"Only one way to find out."
"Jesus, Kase. When you get slutty, you do it up right, huh?"
I wiggled, which felt very interesting with my bum filled with brother. "I love being slutty for you. I love that you make me want to be."
"Unf."
"I know, right?"
"So... harder?"
"Yep."
"You asked for it."
"Do iiittt. It's our first time doing it. Claim me properly."
Xander slapped my butt. I kinda suspected it was coming, so it wasn't a total surprise. But the spanking combined with him fucking my ass was an intense burst of sensation. On the verge of painful and too much for me, but so deliciously naughty and fun.
He didn't pound my ass the way he did my pussy sometimes. We both knew I couldn't take it like that. But he went harder than I thought he would. Really testing me. I felt good about how I took it. And how weirdly good it felt. Not just because of the connection between me and my brother, and the experience we were sharing, but physically too.
The emotional part was better. But then, it always was. It wasn't a fair comparison.
"Your butt's gonna be wrecked," Xander said.
I giggled. "You think? You're gonna have to be rougher than that."
He spanked me some more. My bum cheeks were getting pink and tender.
And he fucked me even harder. I was pushing my luck. I knew it. I couldn't actually take it super rough.
But it wasn't just to test me, as it turned out. Xander was just losing control. Having too much fun with his sister's ass. On the verge of cumming. Grunting and thrusting and about to blow.
I cooed in delirious pleasure as he came in me. In my ass. Messing a second hole for the evening. Claiming my ass just like I wanted.
"Makin' messes," I murmured happily.
"Hm?"
"Nothin'."
Xander pulled out, emptying me but leaving lots of evidence behind. He stood me up, half-dazed as I was, and kissed me passionately and tenderly.
Sex with Xander made me feel such wonderful things that I'd never dreamed possible. Anal was special too in its own right. Something new and wonderful to play around with. But kissing him and being held so warm and close, those were the sorts of things that made me absolutely melt and feel like everything was just as it should be. More than the most special of sexy times could ever decisively beat.
"I'm already feeling like I should have made that more romantic somehow," Xander whispered.
I shook my head. "Just keep holding me. That's all I need."
He kissed me again. "Maybe somewhere other than the kitchen."
"Hm, maybe. I'd say my room except... we have the apartment to ourselves."
"Seems a waste."
"Mmhm. Wanna cuddle on the couch?"
"And be naughty some more?"
"Almost certainly."
"Yes I do."
We spent the evening naked. Sometimes sexually, sometimes sensually, and sometimes just being together.
Xander played with my ass some more. He didn't get aggressive or anything, but he gently fingered it quite a bit, seemingly entranced by it. Occasionally he got in some more licks and kisses, but mostly just fingering.
We were lost in our own little world when Lily came home. I was, in fact, in the rather compromising position of sitting in Xander's lap, making out with him, and slowly riding his cock while one of his fingers was buried knuckle-deep in my butt.
None of that would have been much of a problem except that Hazel was right behind Lily, and she was not nearly so prepared for what she saw.
"Goddammit guys!" Lily said. "Seriously?"
I shrunk down slightly. Xander pulled his finger from my butt and wrapped his arms protectively around me. "What? I thought you were staying at Hazel's tonight."
"Obviously I'm not."
"But... but your sleepover."
"Yeah. Here. Hazel's sleeping over here."
"Oh. Whoops."
Hazel, still wide-eyed, was tugging at Lily's arm. "I thought you said your roommates were siblings."
Lily sighed. "They are."
I looked down at Xander and I, in particular where we were physically connected. There really wasn't any way of pretending like we weren't being all too intimate for brother and sister.
"Nice to meet you?" I tried.
Hazel hid further behind Lily, still hissing urgently. "They can't do that."
"They can and they do," Lily said. "You get used to it."
"Do you?"
"Yeah. You didn't mind that video we watched last week, right?"
"That's not the same."
"No. I know. Is this too weird? I can take you home."
"... I didn't say that."
I smiled hopefully. I didn't want to blow Lily's night for her. She deserved some fun and love in her life.
I wasn't totally sure why I was still so calm. We'd been caught. One hundred percent found out. It could be really bad for us.
But it probably wasn't. Lily was the one in trouble, somehow. Plus Xander was right there with all the comfort I could ever need in my life. Nothing truly bad could ever happen while he held me.
"Sorry," I called softly.
Hazel met my eyes, and I shrugged in what I hoped was a helpless and endearing kind of way. She chewed her lip a moment, then nodded subtly at Xander.
"He's really your brother?"
"Yes."
"Isn't that weird?"
I shook my head. I felt no doubts at all in my heart. "No. It isn't."
I kissed Xander openly, also squeezing him with my pussy where no one could see. He groaned softly into my mouth.
We both knew Lily and Hazel were still right there, just watching. Neither of us particularly cared.
"Damn, that's kinda hot actually," Hazel said in a voice that I was pretty sure was only meant for Lily.
"Tell me about it," Lily answered. "Somehow it's almost always hotter than it is weird."
"Crazy."
"I know."
"How do you live with them?"
"Beats me." Lily coughed gently. "So, uh, we can still leave if you want. Or..."
"We don't have to."
"Yeah?"
"Maybe... maybe somewhere naked siblings aren't making out?"
"My room?"
"Yes please."
I grinned as Lily dragged Hazel away.
"Well that wasn't so bad," I murmured. "Considering we got caught by someone we don't know that well, and almost ruined Lily's night to boot."
"Coulda been worse," Xander agreed, kissing me again.
"Kinda makes me think some more that we should tell Mom and Dad."
"Why would you say that while I'm in you?"
"Just sayin'. We have to sometime. And where it didn't go badly with Hazel..."
"Parents are a way different thing. But seriously please don't keep bringing them up right now."
I giggled softly. "You wanna focus on sex with your sis-ter, huh?"
"Ideally, yes."
"I don't know why you'd always rather do that than have awkward and potentially life-shattering conversations."
Xander rolled me onto my back and followed me down, thrusting right back into me, all the way. "Yeah. Can't imagine why."
He fucked me tenderly, eventually cumming in me yet again, then lay atop me afterward at my insistence.
"I'm not ready for that conversation," Xander said softly.
I was drifting nearer to sleep, even with Xander lying on me and my heart rate still up from his affections. I kissed his cheek.
"We're gonna do it sometime," I reiterated.
"Sure. Sometime."
****
Chapter Thirteen: Kasey at Twenty-Nine
****
Dad and I going out shopping together was rare, but it did happen. In particular when he was having trouble finding something special for Mom. I kind of liked the excuse for being out with him. I wasn't sure why I didn't find more reasons.
Other than the obvious that so much of my free time was spent wrapped up with my brother, one way or another.
"Stop looking at tacky jewelry, Dad. This is an important anniversary coming up."
"How's it tacky?"
"Trust me."
"Ok, but... how am I supposed to know what to look at?"
"Have you seriously not paid attention to what Mom wears? You've had lots of time."
"... not really. All I know if there are some things that look so beautiful on her. But they don't really look like much when she isn't wearing them. It's like... like I need to see them on her to know."
"That's almost sweet, actually."
"Is it?"
"I mean, if you worded it differently, yeah. Like 'she shines brighter than any jewels ever could.' Something like that. That was too much, but you know."
Dad smiled goofily. "She does, you know."
I laughed. "Tell her that sometime. She'll love it."
"I just might."
"Uh huh. Well here, look at these necklaces while you're thinking about how to woo Mom."
"They're nice. You think..."
"If there's one you like, I'll try it on. It'll give you an idea."
"That'd help. You know sometimes when you smile these days, you look just like her."
"I look like Mom, huh?"
"More than usual, I mean. Like... like exactly like her back when we first fell in love."
"Oh."
"I don't remember you ever smiling quite that way before. Not until... what, a few months ago? Maybe a year. It's been nice seeing you that happy."
A small pang hit me inside, but it was quickly covered by the warmth of thinking about Xander.
"Maybe I've never been happy before. Not like this."
Dad smiled. "I'm glad. I know you won't tell your mother what's going on, and you probably won't tell me either, but I'm happy for you."
"Thanks, Dad."
"If you wanted a good anniversary present, though, you could tell Mom who you're seeing. It's been driving her bonkers."
I rolled my eyes and groaned. "No fair. You just said you weren't going to ask."
"No, I said you wouldn't tell me. Big difference."
"Apparently."
"She's happy for you too, you know. But she worries."
"She shouldn't."
"She does. You're with someone who-"
"Maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm just happy with myself."
"-who you feel you can't tell us about. I'd be lying if I wasn't concerned at times too."
"Jeez. Maybe, ok? Maybe."
"Yeah?"
"No. Maybe. No yeahs. No excited grins. Wipe it right off or I'm leaving."
"You can't. I haven't found the right-"
"No more questions?"
"No more. Promise."
"Good. Now come look at these earrings. Mom needs a nice pair after she lost one of her favs last month."
****
"We're telling them."
Xander groaned. "Are we?"
"Yeah. I've thought a lot about it."
"Just 'cause of what Dad said?"
"Him and Mom. They've been wearing me down."
"They've been hitting me up too, you know. They're convinced I know."
"Well you do know."
"Yeah. But they don't know that I know that you... that I..." Xander stopped and frowned. "Whatever. They can't really know that I know."
"We do live together. And you know all my secrets."
"Ugh."
"It'll give us some peace, at least. Either they'll love us or disown us. And I suspect the former."
"I mean..."
"And I'd like to not have to hide it anymore. I've hidden it all my life, Xan. It feels nice not doing that. Having you. Sharing our relationship with friends. It hasn't blown up yet."
"We've been lucky. Lily's cool. And Hazel."
"And Cece and Mark."
"Right. Why did we tell them again?"
"And James."
"Wait, who?"
"Lily's friend. It's a long story."
"No, wait, hang on, why did-"
"Point is, people are finding out. It's gonna start getting out there. Sooner or later Mom and Dad'll hear even if we don't tell them. They should know. They shoulda probably known already."
Xander groaned again. I slipped my arms around him and pestered him with kisses until he warmed to my embrace and started kissing back. I let him grab my butt and get some feels in too.
"It's gone ok somehow, hasn't it?" Xander said softly.
"Mmhm."
"I keep thinking the world should have ended by now or something."
"Nah. Turns out no one really cares that much if a brother and sister wanna fall for each other."
"You'd think there'd be more of a fuss."
"Enh. Why though?"
"I don't know. Just seems like there should be."
I kissed Xander some more. "S'that bother you? You want more attention?"
"No. I like just being left alone to love you."
"Well then you got what you want."
"Seems too easy."
"So? The rest of it wasn't. Let's take an easy win for once."
"... that actually sounds like a good idea. I just wish my stomach wasn't all in knots thinking about telling the 'rents."
"I know. It'll be fine though. Promise."
****
The day came. Our parents' anniversary. I felt the same nervous flutters and painful tensing in my tummy that Xander did. The closer we got to actually revealing our secret, the more real it felt. It didn't help that Mom and Dad were having such a good evening with their friends, and it felt like we were running the risk of ruining it belatedly.
I began to have doubts that the timing was even right. Maybe it would be better to put it off. To do it some non-special day, perhaps.
But if we delayed it now, what was to stop us pushing it back indefinitely?
By the end of the night it was just us. The family. Me and Xander, Mom and Dad. All four of us were lightly buzzed, enough to make the conversation seem more doable.
"Are you two spending the night?" Mom asked. "I don't want you driving drunk."
I looked at Xander for reassurance. "Nah. We'll probably stick around and clean up some. Xan'll be fine to drive in a bit, yeah?"
Xander shrugged. "I expect so."
Mom pursed her lips. "Well you best be sure. There's no point in you-"
"Yeah yeah, we get it." I took a deep breath, then kept going before Mom could start again. "So listen. There's something I want to tell you. We want to tell you."
Mom arched her eyebrow. "Oh?"
"Yeah. Dad, don't sneak off. This is something I want you to hear too."
"Wouldn't dream of leaving the fun," Dad assured me.
I got everyone wrangled, all sitting down together. I made sure Xander was right next to me, as close as we dared. I took his hand and squeezed it, even though our parents could see the gesture. In a few moments, hopefully it wouldn't matter.
"You've really wanted to know who I've been seeing," I said hesitantly.
Mom snorted. "That's an understatement. Does this mean we get to find out? Why didn't you just bring him?"
"Or her," Dad said.
"Yes, dear. That was implied."
"Just making sure."
I smiled nervously and squeezed Xander's hand tighter.
"She did," Xander said before I could work up to speaking again.
Mom tilted her head in confusion. Dad's eyes flicked to our hands.
I had to just go for it. It'd be easier to just say it now than let it linger.
"It's Xan," I said, not meeting anyone's gaze for a moment. "Xan's who I've been seeing. Who I'm with."
There was dead silence for the longest few seconds of my life. I clutched Xander like I was about to be torn away from him.
"Oh," Dad said.
"What?" Mom said a second later.
"I guess that would explain it."
"What?"
I cautiously looked at Dad. He didn't seem to quite know how to react yet, but there was warmth in his eyes.
"I love him," I said in a quiet voice.
Dad smiled small and crooked back at me. "You always did."
Mom was still in the midst of absolute confusion. Her face flashed about every emotion one could imagine, some more than others.
"Is this real?" she finally asked. "You're sure?"
"Couldn't be more sure," Xander said gently but without any shred of hesitation.
I favoured my brother with a look of pure adoration and had to restrain myself from kissing him. I didn't want to risk it just yet.
Mom slumped back, still thinking. "Well... it makes sense why you wouldn't tell me," she mused.
"Yeah. Sorry about that," I said.
"And why you were so happy."
"Um..."
"I always thought you'd be happy if you could just marry your brother." Mom chuckled with only faint undertones of actual mirth. "Then you just did it anyway."
"We're not married," I said. "I mean, that's probably not really happening."
"No, I know. I just meant..." Mom waved her hand helplessly. "You know what I meant."
"We do," Xander said. "You're not mad?"
Dad shrugged. "How could we be? I didn't expect this, but... it's not like we couldn't have seen it coming if we'd really wanted to look. You're both just who you are."
"And you're happy," Mom said. "Happier than I've ever seen either of you."
I grinned, feeling warmth flood into me. Relief and acceptance, and the constant flow of love from Xander's hand squeezing mine. And our parents too. They'd take some time adjusting, but the worst was past, and it hadn't been that bad at all.
I had to free my hand so I could stand and walk over to Mom and Dad, giving them each a big, slightly tearful hug.
"Love you," I whispered to each of them.
"You take care of each other, ok?" Mom said. "I'm going to be very upset if you break each other's hearts."
"Even if it meant we'd be more normal?"
"You think I didn't see how unhappy you were with all your other relationships? If this is what you need... normal can get fucked."
My eyes went wide at Mom's sudden vehemence and I couldn't help giggling hysterically. Xander, going in for hugs too, looked at me curiously. I didn't deign to repeat Mom's words.
****
"So your parents know and everything," Lily said.
"Mmhm."
"And our friends basically all know."
"We're getting there. I'm kinda surprised the rumours haven't taken off more."
"Enh. Maybe everyone wants to be respectful."
"Maybe."
"It's pretty crazy though, huh?"
"It really is. I just feel..." I squirmed in my seat. "I feel happy. I feel free. It's just all really working."
"Yeah it is!"
Lily offered me a high five. I rolled my eyes at her.
"You think I'ma forget where that hand's just been?"
Lily grinned and went back to playing with herself. Our movie nights were rarer these days than ever, in particular ones where it was just us, but it was nice getting them in every now and then when we could.
A lot of the time the porn we watched did little to nothing for me anymore. It had been my substitute for Xander when I had nothing better. Now that I had him, I was settled into being with him, no pretend sibs getting all hot and bothered together could ever compare.
Lily still rubbed herself all bottomless and horny next to me. I sat with my panties still on, not even really pretending to masturbate. It was, weirdly, mostly about an excuse to hang and chat anyway. Plus even though she wouldn't admit it, I was pretty sure Lily liked an excuse to get off to some incest porn on occasion.
"So hey, as long as everything's going super well and everything..." Lily said.
"Yeah?"
"I was wondering... how would you feel about Hazel moving in?"
"Fine, basically. She's pretty cool. We've got a whole bedroom we basically don't use. Though I'm sure we probably still won't."
"Ideally." Lily grinned. "I'd like having her around more."
"Yeah? You lurrrvvve her?"
"Maybe."
"Or you just want someone to play with your naughty bits whenever you want?"
"It can be both."
"I guess that's probably the dream for you, huh?"
"Is for lots of people."
"Sure. Love's better than naughty times, though. Just sayin'."
"Enh. Depends on the night. Overall probably yeah."
"That's a fair assessment." I checked the time. "Shit. Now I'm just thinking about when Xan's gonna be back."
Lily laughed. "Hey! This is s'posed to be our hangout time."
"I know. But now I kinda want Xan to play with me some."
"You literally just said love's better than-"
"I know what I said. Doesn't mean naughty times aren't really awesome too."
Lily nudged me with her elbow. "Take care of yourself some. You can still do it, I'm sure."
"It's better with Xan."
"He's ruined you, huh? Even your fingers can't compete?"
"Not usually, no."
"Ah, alas. I'm gonna be doing movie nights all alone pretty soon. You won't want to bother."
"That's not true. I still like 'em. Just not for sexual reasons necessarily."
"Porn and masturbating's the whole point."
"You know that's not true. We bonded a lot over this stuff."
"That's true."
"Maybe you and Hazel can bond over it too. If I'm not around or whatever."
"Nah. She doesn't super dig porn generally. She's ok with it, but it's not exactly her thing."
"Pity."
"Right? Ah well. Her loss."
I scratched my head. "You think me and Xan are gonna bother her if she moves in?"
"She's spent the night enough. She knows what the deal is."
"True. I can't promise we'll ever behave more than we do now."
"Wouldn't want you to. Love seeing you happy, Kase."
I smiled. "Yeah. Same."
****
Having Hazel around full time didn't really change anything. I caught her staring sometimes when Xander and I got a little too into each other around her, but that was nothing new. She seemed curious more than anything.
"How'd you do it?" Hazel finally asked one morning.
"Do what?"
"You know. Decide you could be with your brother."
I smiled over my coffee. My mind flashed to Xander still lazing in bed. I had a fresh load of cum in my pussy from wake up sex, and if I didn't have to get to work, I'd still be snuggling with him.
So far, I wore only a pair of panties to ensure my brother's mess stayed put, and one of his shirts that hung loose on me. I'd have to get changed, of course, but it was the sort of outfit I loved wearing when I could. Especially any of Xander's shirts that carried his faint scent.
"It wasn't something I decided, really," I said. "I had to figure it out, sure, but... it's just what I've always needed. It was always him."
"Always?"
"Yeah. Even my best attempts at finding something 'normal' were kinda bad." I sighed wistfully, again thinking of Xander. "With Xan, everything just works. It's so easy."
"Easy? Being with your brother?"
"I know. Doesn't sound right, does it?"
"Not really, no."
"But it is. Social problems and all. It's still so much easier being with him than anyone else. So much better."
Hazel squirmed and looked away for a moment. "That actually sounds pretty romantic."
"You think?"
"I mean... he's the one, right?"
"He is."
"And... and it's like you guys had to get together even though it's something you're not supposed to do."
"Correct. Plus it took Xan a lot longer to figure things out."
"Right. You might never have been together. You could have known each other your whole lives and longed for each other and stuff, and you might never have gone for it."
"Very true." I shuddered. "What a hellish existence that would have been."
"And you're so in love! It's crazy. Just, like, constantly. The way you're always looking at each other... jeez, it's not fair."
I grinned. "It's just how we feel."
Hazel nodded, tapping her fingers nervously on the table. "No, I get it." She coughed awkwardly. "This might be a bad question to ask. I don't know if you'll like it. I mean, what you and Xander have is kinda beautiful and shit, and I don't want to cheapen it or anything, but-"
"Haze? What do you want to ask?"
She took a deep breath. "I kinda maybe want to ask Lily if she'd pretend to be my sister sometimes. Or something like that. Is that weird, you think?"
I laughed. "Ha, seriously? No, of course it's not. Why would it be? Me and Xan don't even have to pretend."
"That's exactly it, though. You guys... it's all romantic and stuff 'cause you found each other in spite of being siblings. That's way different from... from going for the kink of it."
I shrugged. "Sure. Maybe. I mean, I can't promise what Lily'll think, but I can guarantee she won't be bothered by the suggestion. And I'm not either, if you're worried about that."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You should watch some videos with her sometimes."
"The... porn ones? Not really my thing."
"I think Lily mentioned that, yeah. But like, maybe it's just an excuse for you two to get into some roleplay stuff. Maybe she could be kinda like your big sis teaching you some bad, bad things."
"... well when you put it that way..."
"Think about it anyway. And seriously, just talk to Lily. She won't be upset. Promise."
"I was pretty sure she wouldn't be. She's so close with you, and she has an incest kink already."
"Exactly."
"It's newer to me, is all. I think maybe I'm looking for permission to... to feel some stuff."
"Not really something I can give. But... you have my blessing, if that counts for anything."
"It weirdly kinda does."
"Nice. Good luck with Lily."
"Thanks."
****
Chapter Fourteen: Kasey at Thirty
****
"We're really doing this?"
I smiled and squeezed Xander's hand. We stared together at the front of the house.
"We really are," I said.
"It just feels so crazy."
"I know. But it feels good too."
"It does."
"It's weirdly not that much more expensive than our apartment was."
"It kind of is when we're only splitting two ways."
"Well, yeah. But you know what I mean."
"I do."
"We can afford it."
"Definitely."
"I'm gonna miss Lily, but I think it's time we were on our own."
"Plus she's been talking about moving into her own place with Hazel."
"Plus that, yeah."
Xander put his arm around my shoulders. I nestled against him.
"It's a good house."
"Mmhm. Small, but we don't need much room."
"Right. Yard's big enough we could get a dog though."
I pouted. "You keep going on about that. If anything, we should get a cat."
"Dogs are better."
"You would say that."
Xander ruffled my hair, but then smoothed it out for me. "You know, we could get both."
"That's so much responsibility all of a sudden."
"One at a time, then."
"I don't know. Maybe it'd be better to get both at once. So they aren't territorial with each other."
"But it also means getting them both adjusted at once."
"Our kitty'll be fine. You're the one gonna have to train a puppy."
"They're gonna be our pets, Kase. You're still gonna have to be a dog mom."
"I don't know how to take care of a dog."
"We'll learn."
Xander squeezed me tighter to him. I couldn't resist anything at all that he asked when he held me like that.
"Ok," I murmured. "We'll learn."
****
Moving into a house and trying to make it livable was a whole thing. Not that it was all that complicated, but there was just a lot more stuff needed for a house with just Xander and I in it, as opposed to splitting an apartment, or indeed living at home when we were younger. In the latter case, our parents had to deal with all that stuff anyway.
"We're still gonna be working on getting things for months," I complained, sliding into a seat out on our back deck.
Xander, already sitting and sipping a beer, just nodded. "True."
"It's so much worrrk."
He grinned. "But it's worth it, isn't it?"
"I mean, yeah, obviously."
Xander's gaze flicked up and down me. I was free to wear as much or, more commonly, as little as I wanted around the house. It was just us. No one else to offend.
I didn't have the same youthful body as back when I'd first tried to catch my brother's eye with daringly skimpy attire. That didn't seem to bother him one bit. Nor did my experimentation with wearing even less. Like my go-to sleepwear of cami and panties, only without the panties.
Xander really liked me wandering around bottomless. Topless and fully nude were excellent too, based on his reactions, but casually bottomless got him interested the easiest.
Right now I had underwear on, but that was mostly because we were outside, and I wasn't yet confident in how much privacy we had. I'd probably be fine to go naked if I wanted, but there were definitely a few second-story windows around that I could be spied from given the right timing.
"It's our own place," I said, snagging Xander's beer and sipping from it.
"Sure is." Without missing a beat, he grabbed a backup beer and cracked it open.
I'd really only wanted to tease Xander and see if he'd fight me for his drink. Hopefully very physically. But since he wasn't biting, and now had another beer going, I took a longer swallow of the one I'd stolen.
"Have you seen Wisp around anywhere? Haven't seen her in a bit."
Xander looked at me, then down to his lap. I followed his gaze, then giggled. Wisp, our new kitty, was curled up napping atop my brother.
"You know, for someone who didn't want a cat..."
Xander shrugged. "What can ya do?"
"She likes you better than me, even."
"I don't know why."
"I do. But I'm biased. 'Course it's gonna start being a fight over your lap, you know."
"You'd fight our kitty?"
"If I'm horny enough, probably, yeah."
Xander softly scritched Wisp, who flicked an ear and yawned in response.
"Bad influence for our little one, you are."
"I am?! You remember yesterday when you yanked my panties off and bent me over the-"
"Shush. Not in front of Wisp."
I made a rude noise. "You didn't even want a cat. Now you've gone all cat-dad on me. It's kind of annoying."
"Jealous?"
"Kinda, maybe. Yeah."
Xander grinned wider. He carefully picked Wisp up and set her in my lap. Wisp stretched, got resettled, then purred contentedly on my tummy.
"Aw, there's my baby," I cooed, previous jealousy forgotten in the blink of an eye.
Xander's expression remained teasing, but that was fine.
"You're kinda right, though," he said. "More pets might mean less fun times for us."
"Mmhm."
"So... we could just run with Wisp for now. Maybe."
"No doggo? Even though you were dead set?"
"I didn't think I'd like having a cat so much, ok?"
"Hehe. Softie."
"Maybe. So what?"
"I love it."
"Of course you do."
I picked Wisp up again, kissed her forehead, then set her down on the deck. She grumped a bit, but then padded off to explore her domain. I watched her for a moment before slipping out of my chair and kneeling in front of Xander.
"Really? Here?"
"What's the point of having a yard if we can't use it?"
I got Xander's shorts down and his cock out. Something I'd become very proficient at. He groaned happily as I caressed him and felt him grow in my hand.
"You want the neighbours to see?"
"No one's looking."
"You don't know."
"Xan, darling, I want to suck you off."
"... well when you put it that way..."
"Fuck the neighbours?"
"Yeah. Fuck 'em. Let 'em watch."
I grinned and stroked Xander with a firmer grip. "No one's watching. But yeah."
I sucked my brother off. I sucked him off so good. It was so freeing. Out there in broad daylight. In our yard. On our deck.
His slutty, happy, horny little sister, doing all the wonderful things I could think of with my mouth. Making him a very happy and satisfied brother.
I worked Xander's cock lovingly and with all due care and attention. I took him deep, I bathed him with my tongue, I made the most adorable eye contact I possibly could.
It got me horny and wet. I was already kind of worked up, but this took it to another level. Doing stuff with Xander always did. Nothing turned me on like he did. Not even close.
Xander groaned in the deep and guttural way that I loved so much, and filled my mouth full of cum. My eyes rolled back and I got all squirmy. I wanted to play with myself while taking my brother's load. By the time I'd sneaked my hand down to my panties, he was already pretty well done.
I saved most of Xander's cum so I could open my mouth, stick out my tongue, and show off for him.
"When the hell'd you get so bad?" he asked softly.
I swallowed, savouring the experience of having Xander watching me and seeing what a slutty sister I was. Not that there was any doubt left on the issue.
"That's just what you do to me."
"And you're playing with yourself."
"Mmhm."
I knelt in front of Xander, fully masturbating for him. His eyes were on me, so deep and penetrating. Just watching me. So intent.
It got me crazy horny trying to imagine what he was thinking. In a general sense, there was no question what was in his head. In a more specific sense, it was a low-key thrill trying to guess exactly what he wanted to do with me.
"Take your clothes off," Xander said.
"All of them?"
"You're not wearing much. It won't take long."
"But... I'll be na-ked."
"Right."
"Outside."
"Yep."
"What happened to worrying about being seen?"
"You'll be the one all nakey, won't you? I won't have to worry about it."
I stood up a little shakily, from horniness and from sudden jitters. It wasn't really any worse being naked outside than it was giving my brother a blowjob, but it felt more like I'd be in the spotlight somehow.
Plus... Xander wasn't really much of a dom or anything, but those moments when he took firm control could make me so weak and warm inside. Not unlike when he held me all tight and loving, like I was the only girl in the world. The way he looked at me now was just like that, but without physical contact, and with the expectation that I really would do as he asked.
Which I would. Of course I would. I was a horny little thing. And, more importantly, I was his. Even Xander's gaze promised that I'd enjoy myself if I only did as he asked.
And even if there wasn't anything more, if he just wanted to see me naked, I'd still do it for him. I'd do basically anything. Always would have, probably always would.
"Making your sister strip for you might be worse than just getting naked yourself," I said even as I trembled and pulled my top so very slowly up my tummy and over my breasts. "If anyone's watching."
"They would have seen you suck me off already in that case. They know who's the bad one here."
I shook my head, feeling an extra flush in my cheeks. My eyes flicked to neighbouring windows. I didn't see anyone. I was pretty sure Xander thought we were still alone too. He wouldn't have kept playing the game otherwise. Probably.
"I'm just helpless," I said. "I only-"
"You've never been helpless. You just like to play at it."
My panties slid easily down my legs. I was naked in the afternoon warmth. Naked and wet. Getting wetter with every passing moment of Xander just looking at me, drinking me in.
The things he could do to me with just his eyes...
"I like being your plaything," I said in a hushed whisper.
"That's not what you are."
"No?"
Xander stood. He caressed my skin, running his fingers delicately over me, anywhere at all he chose.
"You're my sister. My love. Not my toy."
"I can be more than one thing."
"Not the way I feel about you."
Xander's kiss was warm and firm, making my legs falter slightly. He was right there to lean on, to take support from. I felt dizzy from his kiss, from the situation, from his words, and from unspoken promises.
"You still think you don't do exactly the same things to me that I do to you," Xander said.
"Well, I-"
"You have me wrapped around your finger."
"Do I?"
"You know you do." Xander brushed my hair back. "And I love it. I love being all yours. I'm as much your plaything as you are mine."
"You can do anything you want to me," I argued.
"Yeah. Same."
"But... you're always so much more in control."
Xander snorted. "Is that how you see it?"
"Yeah."
"Kase, I'm still not sure that we're alone. But it doesn't matter. You could tear my pants off in full public and just do things to me. You could do whatever you wanted, anywhere you wanted. What would I ever do about it? I love it. I love you. I always just want more."
I grinned shyly, feeling the soft breeze play on my skin. A moment ago I'd felt naked and submissive. I still felt that, but I also felt the depth of Xander's feelings for me, and just how vulnerable he was in return.
There really wasn't any control to be had between us. We were both equally lost and wrapped up in each other. Maybe I still considered myself the more hopelessly in love of the two of us. If I was, then Xander wasn't far enough behind to make any difference. I needed to remember that.
"You can have as much as you want," I assured him. "Anything you want from me."
"Same."
"K, well... you know what I want right now?"
"You want me to eat your pussy."
I slapped Xander's shoulder weakly. "You fucker. You already knew and you're just standing there not doing it."
"We're having a moment."
I batted my eyelashes. "Pleeeaaase lick my pussy?"
"Unfair."
"I know."
Xander kissed me deeply, his tongue darting around like he was getting it warmed up. I squealed in unconcealed joy as he then tackled me to the ground, carefully laying me down in the grass and not bouncing me off the deck.
He was right there even as I stretched out languidly in the sun, already atop me. He kissed down my neck, lavishing attention on my boobies, then down over my soft tummy.
"You're soaked."
"Mmm. I know."
"Horny little thing."
"Mmhm."
I purred happily as the sun caressed my skin and Xander buried his face in my pussy. He licked and sucked me with brotherly enthusiasm. He tasted my juices and caused me to flood even more.
This was paradise. This was why we'd needed our own place. Basking in the backyard in each other's loving attentions. Being naked if and when we wanted. Doing just whatever the hell we so desired with ourselves.
It wasn't like we'd been overly restrained living with Lily, but this was a whole new level for us. We'd never ever before had the freedom to make each other cum in the fresh outdoors like this.
Xander licked my wet slit and flicked across my clit. He cunningly probed at my ass while he licked my pussy, getting even more juices flowing for his own enjoyment. He ate me like he was starving, like I was the only thing that could possibly satisfy him.
He made me wiggle and coo, squirm and purr. I basked in the decadence of it all. Of being the most beloved baby sis of all time.
I came for Xander as I always did. Purest pleasure and love washed through me, filling me, making my back arch and my toes curl. He kept licking my pussy throughout. He knew how to coax me so beautifully through an orgasm. To keep me high and happy longer and more intensely, all with cunning use of his tongue.
We cuddled together afterward, lazing in the warm sun and soft grass. Appreciating each other in post-orgasm bliss.
"This is so fucking good," Xander said softly.
"Mmhm."
"We made some good decisions."
"We really did." I nuzzled against my brother. "Hard to believe we got here, isn't it?"
"Kinda, yeah."
"I just love this all so much."
"Mmm. Me too." Xander ran his hand over me, landing on my boobies and gently toying with them. "Speaking of loving..."
I giggled and playfully swatted his hand. "You just cummed in my mouth already."
"Then I licked you and got kinda horny again."
"Well I want cuddles now."
"But... sex later?"
"Maybe sex later. If the cuddles are good enough."
"You drive a hard bargain."
"I know." I ran my fingertips up Xander's arm, then back down again. Just touching him. Feeling him. "The neighbours are either going to hate us... or love us."
"We're very lovable."
"Hope so."
"We don't strictly have to have sex outdoors."
"No. But I'ma want to be nakey out here with you sometimes. And it's our yard. We're allowed."
"Kinda, yeah." Xander closed his eyes and let me cradle his head, sending him love through my fingers. "I really don't want to let anyone mess with this little paradise."
"Exactly, right?"
"Hey, where'd Wisp get to anyway?"
I groaned and tore myself away from Xander. Not far, but enough to flick my gaze around the yard.
"Ha. In your seat."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Just sunning herself."
"Smart kitty."
"I know. She's got it figured out."
Xander kissed me. "Love the fuck out of you, you know."
"Mmm. Me too."
****
Xander and I had a housewarming thing. We decided we'd probably better just do it. We invited friends and family, probably about half of whom knew that we were together, and the other half being on the tentative list to be told at some point. Some of them would figure it out, probably.
I was still waiting for someone to raise all hell over it. Our parents hadn't. None of our friends had yet. Some of our other family made for likely candidates. Not to be mean about it necessarily, but to disapprove of the decision in some way. I could see it.
I didn't even really care. I had Xander. We had our parents, and Lily, and to a lesser extent Hazel. We had some other close people who were on our side, more or less. I didn't need more. If we alienated some, that was just too bad.
I stood pressed up to Xander, his arms around me from behind, his chin resting on my shoulder. I was deliberately in a very girlfriendy kind of pose with him. We got some looks over it. I still didn't care.
Those who didn't know our relationship seemed confused about the whole event. Buying a house was no small thing, but it wasn't typical for a brother and sister to buy one together. The explanation for why didn't really solve that, but it was a good answer, I thought.
"This is getting a little uncomfortable," Xander whispered to me.
"You're not even hard. I'd feel it."
"Not like that. You know that's not what I meant."
I grinned. "Yeah. I know." I put my hands over Xander's where they were clasped across my tummy. "Everyone'll know soon, I assume. Conversations are happening. We won't even have to directly tell everyone."
"It was too many all at once. It's too much pressure."
"Shhh. Just hold me. I'm right here."
"I know. And I love it. But I feel like dragging you away and locking us in our room."
"Always about sex with you."
"You're being deliberately obtuse."
"I am." I patted Xander's hand. "I know. I get it. I'd feel so much better just being alone with you. Just lying in bed and waiting for everyone to leave."
"We could just do it."
"No. We have to get through this. It had to be done at some point."
"Maybe."
"It did. We're not hiding, Xan. It'd be way too late for that anyway. We're in the open. We just have to ride it out."
"If I didn't love you so much, I probably would have run away already."
"It's our house."
"I know. They can have it."
"You derp. Just let's get through it. You can do whatever you want to me after."
"You always say that anyway. You can't use it as a reward."
"Sure I can."
I pressed my butt back against Xander, subtly grinding it on his cock. As expected, I started to feel a reaction fairly quickly.
"So not fair."
"I know. Deal with it."
We had to talk to some more people. I could tell some of them were trying to probe at our relationship. Like they suspected, or had been told, and very much wanted to confirm. I alternated between being direct, and ignoring attempts entirely. It wasn't an effective strategy, really, but like Xander I wasn't very comfortable and needed the occasional defense mechanism to stay sane.
Mom came over and hugged us both.
"You two are staying very close."
"I know. Weird. Like we like each other or something."
"Don't be glib, dear. You should mingle more. You have guests."
"Ugh. Mooommm."
Xander abjectly refused to leave my side. "Yeah, no."
"Well mingle together, then," Mom said firmly. "But mingle. Hosts have duties."
"Not sure who wants us to mingle with them right now," I tried as an excuse.
"Anyone who wants to leave is free to do so."
"Has anyone?"
"A few."
"Oh."
"Might not be 'cause of disapproval," Xander said.
"Yeah. But might be."
"True. Oh well."
I nodded, feeling easier already. "Honestly, fewer people's not a bad thing right now. And if we lose the ones who are upset with us, so much the better."
Mom adjusted a strap on my dress without thinking about it. "No one's going to stay upset."
"Maybe."
"They won't. You invited people who care about you."
"Generally. Aunt Ellen never much liked me though."
"That's not true."
"No, it is," Xander said. "She liked me. Not Kase so much."
"You two are horrible. Your family loves you. And your friends. Trust them."
"Yeah, ok, fine." I took Xander's hand, intertwining our fingers. "We're mingling, ok?"
"Good."
"Jeez. Not like it's our house or anything, huh?" I said.
Xander squeezed my hand. "She's just helping."
"I know."
"Honestly... I don't think we could ask for better than parents who still want to show us off even now."
I felt a small coziness inside, wrapped inside the anxiety and nerves in my tummy. "She's still proud of us, huh?"
"Yep."
"Even though we coulda been massive disappointments."
"Right."
"That's kinda nice."
"It is. Our parents kinda love us, Kase."
I smiled cautiously, still nervous and fluttery and not altogether comfortable, but taking in this other perspective was helping. "We're gonna be ok."
"Yeah. Probably."
We stopped by near Dad where he was barbecuing. He wasn't quite as forceful as Mom, but still with that same love and pride, despite our unconventional love.
Lily and Hazel were around, of course. I'd absolutely insisted Lily be there. She wouldn't have missed it.
"So this is weird, huh?" Lily said.
"Maybe a little."
"Hell of a way to let everyone know you're together," Hazel said. She was staying about as close to Lily as I was to Xander.
I leaned against my brother. "It is, isn't it?"
"Kinda funny watching 'em," Hazel said, glancing around.
"Glad to hear it."
"Just saying."
"Mmhm."
"Shush, Haze," Lily said, wrapping her arms around Hazel and kissing her cheek.
"I never woulda been this brave," Hazel said. "It's a good thing! Probably."
"Yeah," Xander said. "Probably."
"Only a few have abandoned ship on us," I said. "Better than I would have thought."
"There's still time yet," Xander said.
"We need more booze, that's all," Lily said with sudden inspiration. "We'll get a little drunk. Get through the rest of it."
"That sounds like a terrible idea," I said. "I'm in."
"Tight. Let's do it."
It was probably poor hosting practice. I didn't much care. The four of us got kinda buzzed, and it made everything a little easier. Mingling and conversing and not caring so much what everyone was thinking.
I was pretty sure Mom caught on to how tipsy we were getting, but I was doing as she'd asked, so she left it alone.
It would have been interesting to know exactly what she and Dad thought. Sure they'd accepted me and Xander being together, and weren't at all ashamed of us, but Mom in particular still wanted to be able to show us off sometimes. I could see that. This was almost certainly never what she'd had in mind. She was a good sport about it, though. Supporting her children in their love.
It was hard to say what my various relationship dynamics would be going forward. How many of them would stay intact. The most important ones would be fine. That was what really mattered.
****
"You know I said we didn't need a puppy," Xander said.
I tilted my head and just watched him snuggling with Pendragon. "Yeah. I sure feel silly about it."
Xander made some silly baby noises to his pupper. I took a seat next to them.
Wisp was only little still, but she was growing. She already had a big sister's cautious disdain for the new addition to our family.
"You're just gonna have to get used to him," I said quietly as Wisp hopped into my lap.
Wisp curled up in the sunlight and deigned to accept my hand. She purred softly.
"They're gonna be best friends," Xander said, laughing as Pendragon nipped at him.
"Remains to be seen."
"They will. I believe it."
I scritched Wisp's ears. "You know I really only pushed for getting Penny so that Wisp would spend some time with me again. Really annoying how she always loved you more."
"Cats can sense neediness. They don't much care for it."
I sighed. "Maybe I shoulda been a dog person."
"They're better."
"Pff. Whatevs. You and Penny stay over there then."
Xander rolled onto the grass, play-wrestling with Pendragon. "You gotta stop calling him Penny. Gonna give him a complex."
"Shouldn't have called him Pendragon."
"It's a good name!"
"Yeah. And the obvious abbreviation is Penny. What do you want from me?"
"More respect for his masculinity."
I shrugged. "Enh. I think everyone should be a little more flexible on that stuff."
"Even dogs?"
"Especially dogs."
"Oh."
Xander threw a toy and watched Pendragon scamper off after it. He threw it again as soon as it was returned. His face turned to me in between tosses.
"What?"
"Nothin'."
"You're looking at me funny."
Xander grinned crookedly. "Just admiring you."
"Oh shush."
"No, really. Just, like, you're the perfect woman."
"Oh my goddd. What do you want, a blowjob or something?"
"Nah. We're having family time. Don't scar the little ones."
"Swear to god. You've gone all prudish."
"Haven't."
"You won't even hardly take your clothes off outside the bedroom anymore. They're pets. They don't care."
"It's weird though. I wanna be a good pet dad."
"You are. Don't worry about it."
"Gotta worry about it."
"No you don't. You're perfect just the way you are."
"You think so, do ya?"
"Mmhm."
Xander let Pendragon collapse on him, panting softly. "I kinda assumed I'd have, like, human kids at some point."
A twinge of emotional pain flashed through me. "Oh. That."
"Hey, no, I know it's not something for us. I don't even know if I'd really want them. I'm just saying I assumed it'd happen."
"Things don't always go the way you think."
"Tell me about it. I'm in love with my sister. You're the one. Always were. How crazy is that?"
"Pretty crazy."
"And everything's so fucking good."
"I know, right?"
Xander sighed happily and rubbed Pendragon's belly. "How'd we do it, Kase?"
"Fucked if I know. Perseverance? Stubbornness?"
"Ha, yeah. Basically, huh?"
"Maybe some luck."
"Some of that, sure."
"Or maybe just 'cause I always loved you too much."
Xander looked at me with those heart-melting eyes. "Love you too."
****
"No, Penny can't sleep with us."
"Awww, but he's asking so cute."
"You said Wisp couldn't be in our bed. Penny can't either."
"Wisp won't stay still. Just keeps waking me up. Deliberate-like."
"Cats for ya."
"Mmhm." Xander rolled over. "Sorry, bud. Go to your bed. Hey! No whining. Bed. Serious."
I smiled and waited until Pendragon settled in his corner of the room. "There's the strict dad."
"Shush."
"Kinda hot."
Xander snorted. "Fuck off."
I giggled. "Ok, maybe not. But it makes me smile."
"Yeah I bet." He sighed. "Kase?"
"Yeah?"
"Is it weird that we don't fuck all the time anymore?"
"Nah. I think that's normal."
"Even for us?"
"We're sibs. It's probably more normal for-"
"Don't even bring that up."
"Well for real though."
"No, I mean like... like I couldn't keep my hands off you."
"You still can't. You were getting awfully handsy this morning."
"I like touching you."
"Mmm. I like it too."
"But... why don't I want sex all the time? I used to. When we first started."
"There are more important things."
"You were just as horny. Don't pretend you weren't."
"I was. Worse than I am now, for sure." I shrugged. "Maybe it doesn't bother me the same. I never got used to wanting to do stuff like that. Not like most people. I only wanted it 'cause it was you."
"... did you ever really want all that sex and stuff? Or was it just to make me happy?"
"The former. Making you happy feels really good. But there was a period where... where yeah. Where I loved it. Where I wanted nothing else but getting naked with you and getting all stupid... and fucking."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"But it's ok that we don't do it as much?"
"Don't see why not. It's more important that we're together than anything else. That I can go to sleep with you every night." I snuggled into Xander's arms. "That I always get to feel you. Talk to you. Know you're there."
He kissed my forehead. "Yeah. I kinda feel that. Maybe we shouldn't have gotten pets. I feel like I'm all paternal now or some shit. Maybe that's where all my energy's gone."
"Ha. What, you'd rather be a horny thing all your life? Only wanting to get in my pants?"
"I wanted other stuff. But yeah, that was nice."
"Tell me you'd trade Penny for having constant sex drive. Just tell me. I dare you."
"..."
"Go on."
"I wouldn't. Wouldn't even trade Wisp for that."
"There, see?"
"But it feels wrong."
"That's growing up, Xan. We had to do it."
"Urgh. Whatever."
I kissed him softly, lingering on his lips. "You can still have me whenever you want," I assured him. "Any way you want."
"Bleh. I'm so old. I'm all like... we just had sex yesterday."
"Ha."
"It's not funny."
"It is." I kissed him again. "Just hold me and let's go to sleep, ok?"
"Yeah. Ok. That sounds nice."
****
I woke up before Xander. He was still snoozing obliviously. I smiled and watched him for a few moments.
Then I realized Pendragon was watching me in turn. His tail started going when he saw that I was looking back.
"Shhh," I said.
He only wagged harder.
"Don't wake your daddy up, ok? Let's get you some breakfast. Wisp's gonna be demanding pretty soon too."
I got the little ones some food and left the sliding back door open about halfway so they could go in and out if they so chose. I then sneaked back into the bedroom and made sure the door was closed behind me. My panties were off before I hit the bed.
Xander was the only one who'd ever made me feel true arousal. Like I really wanted sex. That hadn't changed. Only the frequency of it had gone down. That didn't bother me the way it did him, and I was pretty sure he'd adjust too, in time.
Regardless, this morning I was feeling it. My brother just called to me in that special way that made me feel naughty things. Even without being awake.
I grinned impishly as I pulled back the covers, then tugged down his boxers. I kind of missed the thrill of always sleeping naked. But we had dependants now. We had to be responsible, to some degree.
I sucked on Xander's soft cock. I knew how to gently get a rise out of it. Nothing too bothersome to his sleep, but more than enough to get him hard.
As soon as I could, I straddled Xander and rubbed my pussy on him. I wasn't quite wet enough, but grinding on him helped a lot. I got him all snugly buried in me before his eyelids fluttered open.
"Oh fuck," he breathed.
"Morning."
"This is nice."
I grinned, nodded, and rocked my hips. "Glad you think so."
"Is this 'cause I was saying we didn't fuck enough?"
"It's 'cause I wanted to. Maybe a little 'cause of that, though."
"Ah. You don't usually wake me up like this."
"Maybe I should."
"Yeah. Maybe."
Xander's hands slipped up my sides, gently pushing my cami up and over my tits. I had to bend down some to help him get rid of my top entirely. He wanted me naked. I was more than ok with that. The way he looked at me hadn't dimmed any with time.
"People just get less horny as they get older," I said. "Or so I understand it."
"Not quite the same for you, is it?"
"Not so much, no." I moaned softly as I bounced around on Xander's cock, all nakey and horny for my brother. "I'm probably not as horny as when we first got together, but I'm still way above what I ever was when we weren't a couple."
His hands were on my hips, encouraging me to ride him as hard as I wanted.
"Maybe we've stolen some things from each other. You don't know how many times I wake up and think about doing stuff to you, then end up just watching you until you wake up."
I grinned. "You can always do stuff if you want."
"I know! But I just... I just wanna watch you."
"That's sweet."
"Annoyingly sweet."
"If you say so."
"Like right now, I totally wanna cum in you-"
"Mmm."
"But I'm already looking forward to cuddling after."
"Unf. My soulmate."
"Shut up."
"Cuddles are great. We won't have time for long ones, probably. I gotta get ready for work."
"Me too."
"Wanna roll me over and pound me?"
"... yes."
I laughed in pure delight as Xander rolled us both over. I smiled and kissed him as soon as I had the chance. I gave him lots of kisses until he started fucking me hard, making me gasp with each thrust into my wet, horny little pussy.
"Mmm, yeahhh."
"Kaseyyy."
"Do it. Harder."
"You always want it harder."
"I want more of you. Always do."
"You just want me to cum."
"Unf. Ok, maybe."
"You probably want me to cum in you."
"Yes please."
"I'm gonna, you know. You're gonna make me explode."
"Do ittt," I hissed, wrapping my legs around Xander and holding him tight. "Cum in meee."
Xander grunted. "You asked for it."
"I diiiddd."
He kept pounding me. Then, sudden and magical, cum was flooding my little pussy, filling me and making me a messy sister. A girl all cummed in by her brother.
Xander kissed me deep. "I should still make you cum," he murmured.
I shook my head. "Cuddles now. You can make me cum after work or something."
"You'll be worked up all day."
"Mmhm. Gonna have a cummy pussy from my baddd brother."
"That doesn't drive you crazy?"
"'Course it does. And it makes it sooo good when you get me off later." I booped Xander's nose. "Don't forget you owe me one."
"Don't worry. I won't."
We kissed some more and snuggled together while we had time. I didn't want to let him go. Xander could still do that to me. Still make me want to hold him and never let go. Just to feel him as close to me as possible. Feel all his love.
A whimpering at the door made us both giggle.
"So much worrrk being pet parents," I complained.
"You love it."
"I do. But it means less snuggle time."
"Or more, depending on how you look at it."
"You know what I mean."
"I do."
Xander gave me a last kiss and stood up. I admired the sight of him as he got cursorily dressed and went to see what Pendragon wanted.
I was still so fucking in love with him it hurt. In the best possible way, though.
****
Epilogue: Kasey Thereafter
****
Xander and I had our life together. Lots of people came to accept it to some degree. A few didn't. That was fine. It didn't really matter.
We were happy together. We had ourselves and our pets, the number of which fluctuated but remained steadily at two or more. We had our house and our jobs. We had the people we cared most about, and we had each other.
Lily and Hazel stayed together too. They were the people we had over the most often. I still loved Lily as the bestest of best friends. She was happy for me, I was happy for her.
I perhaps got a little complacent with everything I had. But every now and then I'd still wake up next to Xander and just start grinning foolishly as I remembered how close I'd come to not being with him. How delicate it had all been. And, most importantly, that I'd made it. I had him. I had my brother forever and ever. I was all his, he was all mine. It was the happiest thought that I could even contemplate.
That or maybe when he'd wake up and catch me watching and he'd smile right back like he knew what I was thinking. He could still make me melt when he looked at me just right. Still and always.
My love. My soulmate. My brother.